When do you know you are in love? I just spent more than five hours watching a handsome beast's chest contract and relax to his resting heart's command and I feel something. I am jealous. I want to be him despite all his faults. Maybe I would take everything along with his faults. He is so peaceful. He knows that he has it all. Money, good looks and a proper family. All that my heart desires. It is about to be morning, signaling my time to sleep. I lightly move my right hand from underneath the covers.

Don't do it.

He wouldn't know. Would he?

Is this love?

Put your hand love.

Love? He calls me that.

His lips, my lips.

Will I feel something?

Toby intimately placed his hand on her waist. He pulled her to his chest colliding both their worlds differently. Olivia was awake and unsettled whereas Toby was heavily asleep trapped in his own dreamland. ''Olivia just allow it to happen,'' suggested my mind as I nervously and irritably moved my body sideways in attempt to escape his strong grip.

''Hey ugh please let me go.'' I take a long breath and calm myself down. I mean he is probably holding a rock in his dream. I'm am nothing like a rock.

''I uh...you are sleeping and this is inappropriate but I'm going to do it anyway.'' I was not surprised by my actions. If you were sleeping next to hunk making your lungs and stomach burst into flames, what would you do? I did have a habit of talking to myself so that was less embarrassing.

''Thank you for helping me when I had a panic attack. I didn't plan for that to happen,'' I whispered after reaching out my hand to touch his beautiful nose with my index finger whilst fighting off the irritation of his touch on my skin.

''I'm going to kiss you right now and don't freak out because I know I'm not. Obviously I have done this before. A thousand times. So here it goes.''

Did I do it?

''Of course not, you are a few inches away from up there! I need to pull out of your grip,'' she complained climbing onto him ashamed of her poor performance and height. She felt like she had been climbing up a polar bear. He was my Teddy bear.

''Hello again sleepy ah person? Here it goes.''

Am I doing this right? No you haven't touched his lips yet.

She gave up. She could not do it. Not like that. I guess karma is a bitch sometimes. I know this phrase has nothing to do with this but I could not do it. Instead I closed my eyes and slept awaiting the new day.

***

Great, she's getting up!

''Rise and shine love,'' I teased noticing how she was miffed by something.

''I hate you,'' she said sarcastically pissed off at the natural light.

''Good thing you are up I can't move yet alone breathe.''

''What do you me-'' asked Olivia and paused realizing that she was on top of him. On top!

''Why did you put me here?'' she questioned trusting herself very much that she had not to gotten herself on top of him.

''Love I wouldn't,'' I clarified. I would have but could not. I knew how sensitive she was about these things.

''Okay sorry. I have a habit of moving a lot in my sleep.''

''Where are you going? Stay up there,'' I pleaded softly. I was tired but it was Olivia. I would die to have this moment with her again.

''Why?''

''You will have to learn someday to get out of your comfort zone sometimes. Ten minutes?''

''Five,'' she bargained.

''Nine.''

''Six and that's my final offer,'' she proposed. I was impressed and agreed.

''Deal. You gotta touch me though and get comfortable.''

''I hate you.''

''I don't.''

A few minutes later

''There was this girl when I was little. She was always so happy and clumsy at all times. I envied her. One day she was playing with this colorful rare material doll a few hours after a heavy storm. She dropped it on a puddle and went back into her house leaving it there. She did not care about it as much as I did. I watched her run back home and denying her knowledge of the doll. I remember,'' she paused as I pulled the blankets further up.

''I'm listening,'' I said tightening my grip and placing my lips slightly on her forehead.

''I remember being the happiest I had ever been running down those stairs to meet my future best friend,'' she interpreted as if coming to an end.

''Then what happened?''

''My mother happened. I picked Gena up and my mom flushed her down the toilet. She said big girls never play with toys but with boys. I blamed my father for all my mother's pain.''

''What did he do?''

''It more of what did he not do. We never talked about it like we should have. She only bragged about him when she was drunk blabbering about how he was egoistic and controlling. He cheated on her a lot. Honestly I did not want to hear anything concerning my father's welfare. I practically grew up without him and my sister.''

''My father never cheated on my mother. In fact he was beyond the word selfish. He wanted all that she had and all that she was. He never wanted Carrie and I so we were hid away from his presence so he would forget about us.''

''Do you hate him?''

''I don't know about hatred but I'm sure if he was choking right in front of me, I would watch him choke to his own death whilst I hold a bottle of water in my hand.''

''Don't say that. I know you would act different when you see him. Don't shun away from your true feelings. Your time is up, please let me go,'' she cried unlocking her insecurities once again. I was reading her up like an open book.

''Yes!''

''What?'' she asked shockingly at my sudden enlightenment.

''Your birth certificate. We can check that for your father's birthplace and find him or at least his family.''

''I don't want to anymore. I will just die alone and miserable,'' she said in pain. I was confused whether I was inflicting the pain or her fears were. She was no longer comfortable with me.

''Hey don't give up yet. We are going to find your sister and father and you will get your family back.''

''B..but what are we going to talk about besides my mother? I mean I'm a terrible source of amusement. Can I go now? I need to make you and Carrie breakfast and you have to take your pills.''

''In a minute,'' I smirk. I doubt she ever noticed how happy she had me be.

''Olivia! Olivia! Are you up ye-'' called out Carrie with a cellphone in her hand after bursting the door wide open. She did seem surprised by Olivia's actions. She had never taken her for a girl who would fall for me in that manner. It was not what it looked like even though I had no t-shirt on and we were in the same bed and she was on top of me after all.

''I'm going to go now.'' Judging from my sister's urgency I noticed that she needed her.

Passing right next to her I whispered, ''Don't screw it up. I really like her.''

''You look really flushed Olivia. Are you feeling alright?'' asked Carrie teasing her clearly seeing how she had been blushing.

''Anything you need?'' Olivia moved closer to Carrie who quietly began making the bed avoiding serious eye contact. It was a queen sized bed that exhausted two hands but was easy to dress with more assistance.

''I want to ask you something. Is it okay if I have a boyfriend right now?'' Carrie was asking in her normal calm and squeaky voice. It made Olivia second-guess her response to the question. Carrie was kindhearted but also immature. It was kind of what got her into this mess.

''Is he the father?''

''What if I want him to be?''

''I don't know anything about love but in your situation and I think it will depend on a few factors. Truly I wish to help but I'm not the one you should be talking to about these things. Have you told your sister yet?''

''No. I will after the wedding. I don't want to cause too much drama.''

Carrie left the room with a huge smile drawn across her face. It was as though she had found the answer she had been looking for. Olivia had already forgotten about the stupid conversation she had had with Toby. He was unlocking something in her. She was changing all the opinions she had about him. Despite the hook-ups and the excessive drinking and partying, he was humane. Maybe too human-like for her.

In search of her birth certificate from her files from school she started thinking about Toby. Really thinking about him. Everything was too good to be true. No good guy falls from the sky and wants to rescue you from your shithole. What happened to Lizzy?

''Yes found it!'' she exclaimed in joy. The thought of her father's birthplace not being written on the old and rippled document frightened her. She let her eyes instantly fall on the parents' field.

Name of mother: Benita Maphosa...

She skips that and jumps on to the next details about her father. She was taking uneven and short breaths and wondered why she had not cases enough to check these details before.

Name of father: Craig Khohliswa

ID number: (Blank)

Place of birth: Bulilima, Plumtree.

An inch of hope arose in her. Eager to tell Toby of the good news, she ran out her room going downstairs to find Toby leading a girl she could not see clearly out the door into an unknown car. He was hiding her making his little physical gestures a bit suspicious. She went back into her room to shower and prepare for another nerve-wracking journey.