i am so sorry for this late update. i've been super busy with internships and publishing TBB i haven't written in ages :c

thanks for being patient! ily all <3

*

Nick Peterson screams.

He hears himself scream like Robb and Orion screamed.

His fingers scrape at his sink, chest rapidly rising and falling, pain searing through his eyes. It licks up his whole face like scorching fire, each colored, shining, beautiful tear feeling like a knife piercing through his skin, drawing up blood.

At the back of his skull, he hears bells jingling.

There's a branding iron pressed to his eyes, and Nick screams again, throat hoarse and abused.

He'd tear his eyes out right now if he could, because the stars continue to fall, and the pain increases in waves, robbing him of the ability to see or speak or hold himself up, sending him crashing across the bathroom, pulling on his hair, scratching at his face and neck.

All he can do is writhe, scream, and wait for the crying to stop.

*

The plan was simple: stay away. Stay away, move countries if you have to, don't look back, fall out of love before you're blind and losing fragments of memory and yourself.

The thing is, plans change, and hearts don't.

Not Nick's, anyway.

*

When he's conscious, there's light and color. No pain. He makes it to the bathroom, and in the mirror, his eyes are still brown. Bloodshot from all the piercing needles and the branding iron, but. Brown. Coffee brown, mudpie brown, gravy brown. That's how Kaia used to describe them.

He heaves a sigh, splashes water on his face, and it gets on his hair and shirt.

You lose the colors first, Orion said. And then your sight. And then your memory.

And then, by choice, yourself.

Nick takes several deep breaths, chest falling and rising repeatedly, fingers gripping the sink.

He looks at himself again, stares at his eyes, and then gets in the shower.

*

There's something wrong with Yves.

Not that there's nothing wrong with him on a regular day, and Nick has his own problems to deal with, like, maybe breaking his family's heart, the possibility of being blind forever, the excruciating pain of the star tears. Oh, yes. He has a lot of things to be worrying about, but now, at this moment, he chooses to be worrying about the guy who once bought a white hamster, had no idea how to take care of it, and let it die on its exercise wheel.

Because he's quiet, eating his dumplings, slurping really loudly on his soup, but quiet.

"It's freezing, God," Cassia mutters, palms on her pale cheeks. She's still in her cheer uniform with a school sweater on top of it, hair tied with a neat bow, and her legs are bare except for knee-high white socks.

She's the most bundled up between all of them, and Orion doesn't know this, but he takes off his jacket, his only added layer to his thin cotton shirt. He hands it to her, turning his head. The effort's there, but it looks like he's talking to her bowl. "I told you not to go to cheer practice anymore. You get cold so easily."

So does Kaia, Nick thinks. And on the way to the parking lot after picking up Cassia from the gym, Nick raised his head, eyes scanning the lacrosse field, searching for number 14.

Her breaths came out in cold wisps of air, and underneath her helmet, Nick knew her lips were turning blue, and her fingers felt numb, even as she continued to move swiftly across the grass, barking out instructions and commands alongside her coach.

When Nick was her boyfriend, he'd bring her heat pads, put them under her shoes, warm up her hands, her face. Cuddle in the car with the heater on until she wasn't shivering anymore.

But he's not her boyfriend anymore, but Nick, apparently, still loves her. So he fished out his heat pads from his pocket, crawled across the bleachers, and dumped it in her bag before anyone could catch him.

Cassia gives Orion's jacket back, wrapping it around him. "I'm fine, babe. You'll freeze."

"No, I'm okay—"

"Here," Yves gruffly speaks up, shaking off his flannel jacket on top of his hoodie, not looking at either of them. His head is turned to the side while he almost shoves the jacket to Cassia's face.

Orion blinks. "Here what?"

Cassia takes it with slow fingers. When it's off his hands, Yves stares at the table and eats his food again.

She mutters, "Thanks."

Yves doesn't acknowledge her, and it's awkward and it's fucking freezing. Cassia wraps Orion's jacket back around him and eats her food, but her eyes raise to Yves's direction once, twice, and Nick pretends he doesn't notice.

Orion can't see any of this.

Nick points his chopsticks to Cassia, and then to Yves, and back to Cassia. "So, uh, you two buddy buddy now? All's forgiven because she almost strangled you?"

"Nope," the brunette says, shaking her head once.

"No, she hates me, remember?" Yves also answers, eyes on his food, stabbing his dumpling.

Orion blinks, head turning, like he's looking between his girlfriend and his best friend. "Right, she does," he mutters slowly.

Subject's diverted, atmosphere's fucking awkward, and it doesn't go away until they drop Cassia off at her apartment, and Orion walks her to her door—Cassia leading him—and kisses her. Nick looks at Yves. He's finding the back of his phone case so interesting.

Nick sighs. "So I'm assuming you're not as aloof as you pretend to be?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Yves answers, picking at his phone case.

"I've known you for four years."

"I might actually have hated you all those four years," his friend says, still not looking at him. "You'd never know."

Nick sighs. "Dude. What happened?"

"She apologized," he says. "I apologized. Asked if we can be friends for Orion's sake."

Nick's eyebrows raise to his hairline. "And?"

"And she said no because she's afraid she still feels something for me," Yves mutters, finally turning his head to the window, watching Orion and Cassia smile at each other, refusing to let go. "Which is fucking stupid because Orion is a fucking angel, she has no right to hurt him. Again."

Nick gets it now. "You have no right to hurt him, either."

"You think I don't know that?" Yves snaps, turning around to look at him, jaw clenched. "He's blind, Nick. Blind. Losing memory and shit, he can't see anything because of me, because of her. What the fuck does that make me if I like her, too?"

Goddamn it, Yves. Nick rubs his forehead. "But you do. Since when?"

"I was the one hearing his screams whenever he cried those stars," Yves breathes out, shaking his head, turning back around to face the dashboard. "I was the one with the scratch marks all over my body because he kept clawing at me. I know his pain. I didn't feel it, but I know it. And I'm not going to make him feel pain ten thousand times worse than that."

Cassia goes in her house. Yves takes in a deep breath and opens the door.

Nick gets out first. "I'll do it. Stay there and fucking smile."

Orion's holding out his hand while Nick approaches him, staring ahead. "Those footsteps don't sound like the sulking bitch."

"Nope, it's the other bitch, the more handsome one," Nick says, chuckling, grabbing his hand. "And he's not sulking anymore, don't worry about it. You good?"

"Mm." Orion nods, walking along, letting Nick guide him. He sighs, and his breath comes out in smoke.

Nick swallows thickly, looking down at his shoes. "O."

"Yeah."

"What's it like?"

"Dark," he jokes, snorting. "Empty. Annoying, because you can't go anywhere without anyone's help. And, uh. I don't know. Lonely." He takes a deep breath again. "I can't see the person I love."

Nick bites his lip. "Have you forgotten?"

"What Cassia looks like? Sometimes," he admits, nodding. "When I don't remember. Other times, I see her in the dark. And other times, the picture's gone, and I wanna kill myself because I can't remember what she looks like and I want to."

It's a common effect of the blindness. The suicidal thoughts. Tendencies.

Nick knows.

"If I can see again, I just wanna see her," he murmurs. "That's all I want. I can be blind to the rest of the world."

Nick's exhale is shaky. Did he love Kaia this much?

Does he?

He stares at the side of Orion's face and asks quietly, "Do you blame her? Or Yves?"

His answer is quick. "No. Never. I don't blame either of them."

Nick thinks he can't blame Kaia either. He won't.

When they get in the car, Yves complains, "Walking slow now, grandpas, I don't have all night."

"Shut up," Orion says, rolling his eyes, while letting Nick help him in the passenger seat. "Did your thirtieth 'the one' text you back? You're you again."

"Yeah," Yves answers cheerily, chewing his gum, backing up into the main road. "She texted back."

Nick meets his eyes in the rearview mirror. Yves holds the gaze for one second, and then he tears his eyes away, mouth curved in his usual smirk.

This is a mess. They're all a mess. Nick is the messiest mess of all.

A few days before he has to go back home for winter break, he stares at his phone, biting his nails, pacing.

He hasn't cried again since the first, but if he does this, he will.

But it's either that or breaking his family's hearts.

It's not something to look forward to, but Nick chooses the excruciating pain. He presses his thumb hard on the call button and holds the phone to his ear, the rings echoing in his head.

He's not a coward. It's just Kaia.

"Hey, Nick," Kaia says, and Nick hears her smile in her voice. "What's up?"

He's a coward. "Hey," he squeaks, scratching the back of his ear, pacing faster now, moving back and forth in the small space of his living room. "How were your finals?"

"Good," she answers cheerfully. "I'm not dead yet, so, uh, good sign." Kaia lets out a laugh. "What about you, genius?"

Nick scoffs, shaking his head. "Yeah, came in second again. I don't understand how Yves can be a dumbass when you talk to him but his test scores say the opposite."

"Damn it," Kaia mutters through her teeth. "It's fine. You can beat him next semester, just don't...sleep. Or, I don't know, you can kill him. I'll help you."

Nick laughs, nerves easing up. "You're the first person I'd call."

"Good." She takes a deep breath, and Nick does, too. "So I'm assuming you're not just calling to ask me about college."

Nick pushes his glasses up his nose and moves to the kitchen, pacing around the table. "Yeah, um. That is—that is correct, actually, that is a good assumption." He clears his throat, picks up a mug on the way to the sink, puts the mug down again on the counter. He inhales deeply again. "I'm—sorry, I'm just gonna get straight to the point."

"Oh, it's okay, you can stutter and panic some more," Kaia says, the grin obvious in her tone.

"Stop teasing me," Nick breathes, balling his hands into fists.

"I'm sorry." She laughs a bit. "You can take your time, Nick, it's fine. I'm not busy."

Nick's leg bounces. He picks up the mug and puts it down again, and he almost crushes the handle when he says, "What are you—what are you doing for Christmas?"

"Oh." Kaia laughs breathlessly. "Ah, I'm packing for it now, actually. Just spending time with my family, nothing special."

Nick hears his pulse in his ears. "Mm. Okay. Yeah, same. Just. Home, too."

Kaia pauses. "Okay, Nick, you're freaking me out."

"Sorry," he squeaks. "Uh, sorry. God. Okay, I was just—remember last year, I spent it with your family. And...this year, you would've spent it with mine."

He hears his own voice and he knows the words he's spewing out sound stupid, but it's too late to take them back now and he just squeezes his eyes shut and hopes his ex doesn't hate him forever.

That would be bad for his eyes. Just saying.

"Yeah," she says slowly. "But I—we're not together anymore." She laughs once, but there's no humor in it, just confusion.

"Yeah," Nick breathes out. "I know. I know it's been about...I don't know, nine months since then. And that you probably have better things to do during the holidays." He laughs, hitting his head twice. "But my family doesn't actually know we broke up yet, I'm sorry, don't kill me."

Nick's face scrunches together, phone pressed to his ear.

Kaia's silent for a few moments, and Nick looks at his screen to see if she hung up, but she didn't, and he mutters, "Kaia?"

"Yeah, I'm here," she murmurs. "Sorry, I just—I'm shocked. It's been nine months, Nick."

"I know," he says, swallowing hard, digging his nails in his palms. "I know, but I—look, I didn't know how to tell them, and my mom called me yesterday and she said she's expecting you to with me at the house by Saturday, and I'm sorry, Kaia, I really am," Nick rushes to say, breaths coming up short. "But I can't tell them now. My parents, and my brothers—"

"Nick," Kaia cuts him off quietly. "Are you asking me to pretend to be your girlfriend in front of your family for Christmas?"

Yes. But he's not doing this because he still loves her.

He can't tell his family he has the Disease. Not...not yet. His mother would be crushed, his brothers will...God, his brothers will ship him off somewhere, guard him 24/7, and Nick just can't—he can't bear to do this to them. Give them this fear they'll lose him.

"Yes," Nick whispers, closing his eyes. "Yes, that's what I'm asking you."

On the other end, Kaia sighs. "And what if I told you I don't want to do it?"

Nick's heart sinks, but he smiles and answers, "Then I'll make up an excuse, I'll die at the hands of my mother, and I'll try to get her off her phone. You're still friends with her on Facebook, I'm afraid she'll message you and hunt you down for not coming. Or, you know, just block her. You should, her memes aren't that funny."

It's meant to be a joke. Kaia doesn't laugh. "You can't tell them because of Robb, can you?"

Nick manages a smile. He murmurs, "Stupid, right?"

"No. Not stupid," Kaia tells him softly. "Not stupid. Just...sad."

"Look, Kaia." Nick takes a deep breath and leans against the wall, head hitting the cement. "I'm not using my dead brother to convince you to do this for me. Don't do it if you feel pity for me because of him, and if you don't want to do it, it's fine, I can just figure out something, and you know, you have no obligation to me whatsoever anyway, I mean, what was I thinking? I was being selfish, of course you'd want to spend your Christmas with your family, not with your ex-boyfriend with the issues and anxiety and the crazy family—"

"I said it was sad you can't tell them because of Robb, not that I pity you," Kaia cuts in gently, and Nick can just picture her raising her eyebrows, the tip of her mouth curling upwards. "And I forgot how much you can ramble when you're nervous."

Nick pushes his glasses, crosses his arms. Waits.

"No," Kaia breathes. "No, I didn't forget. What's nine months to three and a half years?" She laughs a bit at that. "And your family is crazy, yes, but I love it, and they love me, your brothers love me, so." She pauses. "We just have to act like we're still madly in love with each other. We've had three and a half years of practice, it should be easy enough."

Nick won't be acting.

The gaps Kaia left in the breakup, Nick scrambled so hard to fill them back up. Clearly, he wasn't able to. Still isn't.

With what he's asking of her, he's putting himself in days he can't go through again. Kaia will be looking at him, touching him, smiling at him, maybe even kissing him.

And she'll have no idea he's already crying stars.

He chokes out, "Yeah."

"Okay, then." Kaia takes a deep breath, and she's smiling again. It shows in her voice when she says, "I'll do it. Sure. I think we should meet up before we go to your house, though. Work out all the details. I don't want our first time to be alone together be the same day we meet your family, they'll know something's wrong."

"Right." Nick clears his throat. "Right, yeah, I agree. Thank you, Kaia. This means a lot to me, thank you. And I'm sorry."

"You're a good guy, Nick," she murmurs. "And you would've done the same for me. Text me, okay?"

Nick nods. "Yeah."

"Bye," she says, and then she hangs up.

Nick tosses his phone somewhere and sinks to the floor.

The first of his scream is a hoarse whisper. Then it gets louder.

The jingling bells get louder, too.

He kicks and screams and scratches at his body while he cries, and a star lands on his hand.

It's like a flower slowly sinking into tar.