Yibo is sitting at the desk and tries his best to take attention on the books. he glares at classmate girls who keep talking and giggling loudly, gossiping about some idols. he takes headphones out from the bag to not hear anymore, maybe scared they mention...his name too? it's been almost five months after their separation and Yibo avoids absolutely everything related to Zhan, he buries himself into study and doesn't even open any social media, leaving like old man. 

"look, look this is Xiao Zhan, gosh so pretty and handsome" Yibo drops pencil and feels his chest tightening from sharp pain, why? why they had to open his wound? "aren't they perfect couple?"

"who? you mean his partner girl? it's impossible to disagree, although i want Zhan ge only for me"

"dreaming is cheap girl, you think famous actor Xiao Zhan can notice mere people like us? he surely ends up with high class woman"

"don't you think they're too close? look being all lovey-dovey with each-other"

"sharing clothes and some things, i won't be surprised if they announce their relationship soon"

"actually i won't mind, as fan want best for him. i even commented on his Weibo post"

"let's name their ship and start fan account ok?"

"Yibo...what are you doing? let go of it" friend's touch awakes Yibo and looks down at broken pencil, tightly hold sharp corner of it cuts his palm and unable to stay calm he suddenly throws everything on the floor with fast movement. everyone around gets startled and Yibo shouts as loud as possible

"did someone ask for your permission? who give you right to decide who is right one for ge...for him? exactly so called fans like you make his life hard and ruin his career with your nonsense rumors . just...can't you just mind your own business and leave him alone?"

"hey, why are you acting up? how can our fangirling cause any harm to someone?"

"it can, anything can damn it" Yibo hits fist on the desk and runs out, while friend turns to them before following him "please just shut up, when you don't know anything"

***

"damn it, damn it, damn it" Yibo nonstop hits fist on the wall and yells until friend forcefully pulls him back and catches his arm

"everything gonna be ok, please stop hurting yourself" 

"how silly of me thinking i could be fine without him" Yibo falls down and loud sobs shakes his body "that i could act cool and wait for him patiently. what is the use of avoiding him on the screen or internet, when gege's face is drawn in my heart? i hate, i hate hearing his name along others, tell me he won't forget me, he won't fall in love with someone else"

"don't you have faith in him anymore?"

"i'm very scared, i can't stop myself from thinking negatively brother. wish...there're only ugly people in that industry" Yibo blushes on his own words from embarrassment and smiles sadly "gege promised and he is the man of his word"

"that is right, so stop closing yourself in and just live like before Yibo. love and support him as just fan until he comes back as your boyfriend again, think about it...you have loving family and friends, while he is all alone against dirty industry. if you give up too, who is going to give him strength for fighting?" 

"i see you can be wise talker too, not only horny?" Yibo teases and pets his hand "you're totally right, thanks for showing how selfish i was being all along"  

*****

"Yibo, can I come in?" Lily asks after knocking on the door and enters the room without waiting for permission. Yibo leaves the phone and frowns at her

"why ask when you're already in?"

"What were you doing?"

"Playing games"

"And not waiting for something at all no?"

"I don't know what are you talking about" Yibo awkwardly coughs and Lily quickly takes his phone

"Then what is this reminder? Come on Yibo, you're going to watch press conference too"

"Lily..."

"instead of crying alone in your room, come out and be with us ok? We miss our future family member too" lily pets his hair and Yibo smiles with teary eyes imagining being with Zhan again...someday

"Mn, I'll join you soon" he deeply breaths in and leaves the room when time comes. All are gathered in front of the TV and Yibo sits down between his parents. Holding his hand dad encouragingly smiles at Yibo and he cuddles more. Show starts and at the moment Zhan greets everyone with shy gesture Yibo gulps down to stop his tears, more than sad he feels so proud now "isn't he just...breathtaking?" He whispers and tries to concentrate 

"So we're hosting cast of the new drama "Oath of love" which is going to air very soon. Let's welcome main leads Xiao Zhan and Yang Zi, along the production crew. Please sit down and let's start interview" Zhan bows with smile and sits down next to his co-star

"Xiao Zhan please share your impression about the drama"

"At first thank you so much for presenting our drama. Gu Wei is my first modern role and was truly nervous, especially about acting with very famous and experienced actors and actresses. think at the end everything still went well"

"It isn't like you have less fans or popularity. There are countless articles and posts about you and your appearance"

"Maybe but..." Zhan awkwardly smiles and rubs his hands together "I prefer to be mentioned as good actor and not as handsome man. I want to be remembered for my work and not appearance"

"You're known as one of the most humble celebrity, who treats absolutely everyone the same. You always avoid appearing on reality shows or some parties, which usually helps actors to gain more fame. why is that?"

"This is just simply my personality, I think no one should change because of popularity or gaining more money. I don't wanna be seen as judgmental person but nothing is guaranteed in this world"

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we own million today but it's totally possible to become penniless over the night, we shouldn't be ashamed to face other people because we humiliated then before. I'm aware that my fame is temporary and keeping it depends on many things I can't control. The more higher we fly, the more it gonna hurt if we fall down later"

"You love such a amazing man" Mr Wang pets Yibo's hair and latter one widely smiles, nodding at him

"Your anti fans say all your attitude is fake and aimed for gaining sympathy"

"I did never expect to be loved by everyone"

"It can't be" Yang Zi gets in the conversation and smiles at Zhan "At the backstage and in front of the camera he is the same, kind and friendly person. Zhan always comforts and helps others, even when he is the most tired one. He is never fully satisfied by his work and tries again and again. i don't think you can find someone who dislikes him after working together"

"by listening you Yang Zi, may rumors about you two dating is true?"

"no way" Zhan exclaims right away and kind of glares at host "i know fans take too much attention on every our touch or smile but they have right to do so. i mean they can fantasize about their idols but i don't wanna make someone mistaken. we're close friends yes, but i treat everyone with the same way"

"so ms Yang Zi is no one special"

"you just gave wrong and negative improvisation to my words, i meant every co-star of mine carries the same importance for me" 

"why the hell they always try to attack him?" Lily frowns and tightens her fist "whose bastards"

"it was same since the beginning sis, because gege shines brighter than others? because  he makes everyone envy? but I see he has more strength and confidence now, gege can already protect himself well enough"

"is that so? then let me ask one more unpleasant question" host slightly smirks and looks around "there is kinda weird rumor, brought out by your own staff. all woman you played with are very beautiful...then why do you cry after every kissing scene? maybe there is someone precious you're missing?" 

"gege" Yibo sobs out and hides face between his palms "please don't suffer like this, i beg you" 

"I think..." Zhan deeply breaths in, as his face shakes from pain "everyone has something too pure, what can't be shared to others. it feels disrespectful for me to talk about my private life when we're here to promote series, everyone worked so hard on. would love if you give director and crew chance to talk about more details" 

"he'll get himself in more trouble" Yibo whispers and distance breaks his heart more, he could give everything away for just one chance to hug Zhan now "why he acts so reckless? what if..."

"maybe because of you son? i'm sure Zhan knows you're watching now. i think he is scared, that you may misunderstand about his relationships too"

"how silly of him" Yibo hugs his knees and catches every second of Zhan's appearance. who knows how long their separation takes, there is only one thing he is totally sure about...gege loves and remembers him, same as before.

*****

Zhan sits down in front of the mirror and almost falls asleep, while his make up is removed. knowing storm is surely coming, he sighs and calls for assistant "what about response?"

"fans are kinda disappointed boss, some of them happy tho. it depends who is solo and who shipper" 

"too complicated, don't you think so?"

"anyway manager wants to talk" Zhan frowns and latter one rushes into room, loudly slamming door behind. His face shakes from anger and Zhan gets ready for next lecture

"For how many times Zhan? Do I have to make excuses for agency instead of you? Didn't we talk before conference? You just had to do fanservice, was it that hard?"

"Yes, I'm not going to fool my fans. Drama is already very good and is going to reach success without fake show I'm sure"

"Everyone does it, how long only you're exception?"

"I'm not going to act in real life too, if fans leave just because my sincerity then let it be"

"You alone, won't be able to change whole industry, but only way you can last in this field is changing yourself"

"What if I..." Zhan turns to the mirror again and eyes himself, almost unable to recognize old self "just leave?"

"There is no way back anymore, you know it very well too" manager throws notes on the table and points at them "offers from directors, read it and choose the most profitable project. Fix your attitude until it isn't too late" he leaves and Zhan locks himself in, taking his wallet out. lovely picture makes his heart pain as always and Zhan takes it to his lips, caressing with his lips 

"are you proud of your gege Yibo? did i do well? as long as you have faith in me, i can handle everything. hope very soon not only pic but i can kiss your cherry lips again, you're waiting for me no?" ringing voice startles zhan and he hesitantly answers unknown number

"excuse me, is this actor Xiao Zhan?" 

"yes it's me" voice sounds very polite and pleasant, it makes Zhan feel safe to talk "and you..."

"i'm calling from theatre, we would love to offer acting in our new play. are you interested?" 

"to play...in the theatre?" not believing heard words Zhan falls down and digs nails into his skin to make sure "am i dreaming?"

"maybe you're going to? actually play name is "a dream like a dream" think that role is perfect for you because you're best at emotional scenes"

"i don't even know...am i good enough?"

"you must be kidding, if not you then who?"

"then...i'll, sure i agree. it's been my life dream all along"

"we're so blessed to have gem like you Mr Xiao Zhan. please wait for our call for receiving more details" he hangs up and Zhan stays frozen, still unable to realize what just happened. so...after all doubt, hard work and suffering he is really worth to stand on the theatre stage. he is worth to act live and get applause from viewers "he was right, he was right all along" Zhan whispers and quickly deals the number, written in his mind. only when lovely, missed voice reaches his ear Zhan wakes up and realizes who he is calling. on the edge of sobbing he covers his mouth and other side goes silent too, he had to change his number many times Yibo won't guess no?

"gege, i know it's you. my heart knows" Yibo's voice too deep and full of warmth "it's ok if you won't talk but let me say...Bo di still loves you, your Bo di is still waiting for you"  what is the meaning of coming true your dream, what is the meaning of happiness, if you can't even share it with anyone? without him...nothing is worth in this world. Zhan keeps looking on the screen as tears slowly makes his vision blurry 

"i need...to end everything"

Actually this chapter is mostly about Zhan's personality? the way I imagine he is in real life too 🥰 only two chapters left until the end 🥺