written: august 4th, 2019
word count: 2652

a/n why is this lowkey emotional though

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dear wally,                     july 7th

this feels weird. writing a letter to you.

the therapist said it would help. in her words, 'help me to move past your death'. oh yeah, i'm going to therapy now. i think you'd be proud. it's helping. more than not going would. i'm always counting now. it's been 17 days.

i still think about you. i'm never not thinking about you. i think i always have. ever since i met you. i didn't know it at the time, but i was falling for you. i love you. -loved. i loved you.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 8th

18 days. it's funny in a way, you dying first. you always thought i was going to be the first to go. with all the 'dangerous shit' i pulled, and all the bad memories that made me want to stop living entirely.

we made a bet, didn't we? back when we met. when i was 11 and you were 13. dude, you were the coolest person i knew. i was best friends with kid flash! you're the best thing that came into my life since my parents.

you were.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 9th

it doesn't feel like summer without you. the adventures through the forest, the walks on the beach, the all nighters, everything. i can't do it without you. that's... wrong. i can't live without you.

19 days.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 10th

yesterday was a bad day. sorry about that. you know how it is, you don't call me an 'emotional rollarcoaster' for nothing. or sorry, when you flirt, 'an emotional rollarcoaster you'd take a ride on'.

make all those verbs past tense.

i guess i should fill you in. the team's doing well. i quit after you- i quit, but timmy's doing just fine without me. he's really taken charge. i'm proud of him.

bart really misses you. he won't take the mantle of kid flash, but he doesn't want to be impulse anymore. he hasn't exactly quit, he just doesn't show up.

we check on him, of course. he's just living a new life. he's in high school, picking up his grades, living with your aunt and uncle. everything's going well for him.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 11th

it's hard. i know, it's selfish, saying living is hard when i'm sure that's all you want to do.

but it's hard. it's so fucking hard.

i can't cook, because everytime i step into the kitchen i think about our cooking show. remember it? right before we joined the team? 'richie and wally try to cook'. we made two whole seasons. two whole seasons. didn't we have anything better to do?

i would give anything to make another episode with you. we could even grow old with it, as it will eventually morph into, 'richard and wallace know how to cook' i'm sure of it.

three weeks, i miss you more than anything.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 12th

artemis used to have a crush on you. she told me about it today. i can't believe i never saw that coming, i guess i'm too in love with you to notice.

we've started seeing eachother a lot more. she's stayed with tigress, says it's helping her to cope, to move on.

i wish i could too.

but i can't. i can't fucking do anything. she's helping me. i'm living in her apartment because i can't stand being in ours. too many memories. our bed, our kitchen, our couch, that one stain on the floor from where you dropped guacamole after trying to seduce me.

here's a secret: you seduced me the very day we met.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 13th

zatanna came by. took one look at me and was about to send me back to bruce. took another look and realized that would do worse.

he hasn't talked to me since the mission. it's ok. i don't need him. i just need you..

needed you.

god, i spend half my life learning english and you're still the one making me mess up. you do always say that my accent makes me hotter.

so, technically, your fault my ego's so big.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 14th

it's been a week of me writing to you. the therapist says i've shown signs of improvement. i don't know if that's because i've started living with artemis or because of these letters, but either way she says i'm progressing.

our plant's still alive. jorge? i still can't believe you named it. anyway, he's thriving. artemis brought it back to her place and now he sits on the windowsill. sometimes i sit there too. the sunrise looks beautiful.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                    july 15th

i was listening to music. our song came on. i miss you so much.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                  july 16th

tim stopped by earlier. he made light conversation, avoiding the elephant in the room. i think alfred put him up to it. god bless that man, for he has the kindest soul.

tim brought a bowl of alfred's cookies. not his normal ones. the peanut butter nutella ones that are your favourite. he said we were honouring you today. you deserve it.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                   july 17th

you weren't supposed to go.

we had conversations about this. you said you wouldn't leave me. after all the death i've been through, you said you'd stay with me. we'd grow old, have kids. you said.

sure, i lost my parents, stephanie, jason, and even bruce is dead in my eyes, but you. you were meant to stay alive. you're my rock. you kept me alive, and now you're dead. you're dead. you're dead. you're dead, youredead youredeadyoureadeadyouaedsuaoueudeayur.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                       july 18th

your compliments made my day. always. there was never a day i felt too down because you're always there. little praises, sweet comments, cute pet names. thank you.

it's time for me to repay you.

you're gorgeous. you're the smartest person i know. i love you. you're absolutely stunning. your jokes are wonderful, but nothing compared to the perfection of your laugh. i love you. the most attractive person that exists. your creativity and perception are viable. i love you. your smile makes me melt. your voice is as smooth as that strawberry ice cream you like. i love you. your eyes are sparkling emeralds that light up the night. you're the light to my dark. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                    july 19th

i don't know what to tell you anymore. i miss you. i can't explain how much it hurts. it's like i gave you a piece of me, and you took that with you. part of me is missing. i'm bleeding out. it's hurts so much.

please. please. wally, come home. don't die. please. please, tell me you didn't die. you're just trapped somewhere. please.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                      july 20th

one month.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                     july 25th

sorry. so, so sorry. i feel horrible for not writing for that long, which makes no sense. no one's on the receiving end of these.

i was put in a 120 hour hold. don't ask why. it wasn't too bad. my therapist and i talked. i told her about you, and she gave me a new book to read. and new meds. new ones for depression. they'll make me really sleepy.

at least i can read my new book.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                     july 26th

i left the house today. arty forced me to. we walked a block to this little coffee stand. you'd love it. they had superhero themed drinks, but you could order the opposing super villain and get your beverage with a shot of vodka in it. very clever.

i got the batman latte, no alcohol. my meds couldn't clash with it, though bruce is a villain in himself. he still has yet to talk to me.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, july 31st

i have a kitten now. i named him kf. not standing for kid flash, standing for kentucky fried. he's not a chicken, so i don't believe he should have the full acronym.

he's adorable, probably a year old, with light grey fur and white paws. found him all alone in a box while i was out getting coffee. same order as i did last.

i miss you.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, august 2nd

i put in my application for police academy. the school's in blüdhaven, but that's only an hour and a half drive from gotham. i'm actually excited about it. it's the first thing i've been happy about in over a month.

you wanted me to apply. how'd you know? how'd you know that even though the hero life drove me away, i would still feel the need to help. the pull to put bad people away.

i know, i know. you knew me better than i knew myself.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, august 7th

this used to be a daily thing, but my life's become routine again. wake up at 8, cry, shower, get coffee with artemis, eat lunch, read, cry, go to therapy, come home and eat dinner, write to you, cry, then sleep.

is that depressing? i'm depressed.

i can almost hear your 'no shit, sherlock' response. you've never known me not to be depressed, so no difference there. just kidding, i was always elated when we were together.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally, august 8th

the blüdhaven police academy got back to me! i got in! i'm so glad, and i'm sure arty will be too. i love her, but putting two depressed teenagers in a tiny apartment isn't the best idea.

i'll be moving down there. it's close enough to gotham, timmy, zee, and artemis can still visit. i'll bring kf, of course. get him a little bed, maybe a friend. i can't wait.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                august 18th

i got myself a place. a little apartment a few blocks away from the academy. i know you'd force me to research the area and make sure i'm not murdered in the night (even though i really doubt i would be. i was a bat after all) so i did. lowest crime spot in the city, mostly people in collage live there, few kids. it seems nice.

i left jorge with arty. i'm sure a little piece of me can help her too, maybe she'll watch the sunrise with him.

once school starts i'm not sure how often i'll be writing. i love you.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                               august 21st

we never actually took our trip back to romania. even though we talked about it for years, we never took it.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                               august 27th

your uncle cleared up our old apartment. i helped a little with my stuff, but it was...

turns out you have a lot of hoodies. i counted, 13 and a half (if you count the one we accidentally caught of fire). they all smell like you, (well, the fire one smells like smoke. and carrots.) and i've discarded all other items of clothing from my style.

i know.

one day they won't smell like you anymore.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                             september 2nd

school's tomorrow.

your red hoodie is my favourite.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                              october 31st

happy halloween! i know it was your favourite holiday. sorry about the lack of letters, school's been a good distraction. being the top of the class is more work than it was in high school.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                           december 24th

ho ho ho

merry christmas, my love.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                              january 11th

my therapist said i could stop writing these now. that they've helped enough.

i think i'll continue. i think this is a way of holding on hope.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                february 14th

took the day off to look through some of the valentine's cards you've given me these past years:

"i love you to the moon and back - thanks for helping me make sure those villains didn't destroy the moon." = four years ago

"you're so beautiful i though you were a mirror - happy valentine's! try not to die next time or more pick up lines will ensue." = six years ago

"are u gravity because i'm falling for u." = three years ago

"if i mashed up the alphabet it'd say 'ilysm' - i think i was half awake when i made this. happy valentine's, my love. - wally" = last year

you'll always be the love of my life, wallace. even with those stupid jokes.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                   may 3rd

it's crazy how time flies, ain't it?

i saw the team yesterday, we all went for a picnic outside the happy harbour dock. old time's sake, you know?

it was nice. m'gann grew her hair to shoulder length, bless her. artemis stopped straightening hers, and she looks beautiful. better than she had in months.

bart's still a wreck. but, who can judge? definitely not me. jamie's helping him through it. he's a good guy. a good friend.

zee's been coming by blüdhaven a bunch. it's nice, having a friend to hang out with outside of school. i really appreciate her.

connor's the same. i can tell he misses you a lot. he can't really suck the energy out of the room if you're not putting it in.

xoxo dickie

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dear my love,                                 june 20th

one year. i love you.

xoxoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                   june 29th

i thought i'd write more in the summer, with no work for the academy. but it's been hard to start, let alone finish.

i miss you. so much.

summer reminds me of you, it always has. your eyes twinkled like the park grass. your hair the colour of a campfire. even you smelt like summer. you were my sunshine.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                   july 13th

i'm doing it. our trip. we wanted to go to romania together, see my roots. i wish we had a chance to go.

your uncle told me to 'be bold, and live your life to the fullest!' so that's what i'm doing. i'm going for a week. i wish you could've had the chance too.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                      july 19th

you would've loved it. the whole thing. my plane comes tomorrow, and you'd even love that. i can't really explain it, but your stomach would sure be full.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                  october 31st

happy halloween, my love.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                           november 23rd

today i got asked if i was a scorpio. when i said yes, the lady screamed and ran up the street. i'm pretty sure everyone thought i had threatened her.

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                             december 26th

bruce invited me to dinner. it was awkward at first, but after it was nice. everyone was there, even cass showed up.

i was kind of hoping that you would too. christmas miracle?

xoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                    march 1st

rollcall im freddie mercury and ur his bf

xoxo i think i'm drunkk

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dear wally,                                      april 14th

kf is really speedy. like, unnaturally speedy.

did you get reincarnated as a cat? i guess fate just loves to bring us together, huh?

xoxo dickie

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dear my love,                             june 20th

two years without you, i miss you more than one could ever imagine. more than i can put into words. it still feels like yesterday.

i think about you everyday. you know, my favourite photo of you (the one in the fall with you in that scarf?) is hung up in my locker at the academy. you influence me each and everyday to continue through life.

thank you.

xoxoxo dickie

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dear wally,                                   july 5th

i loved you.

xoxo dickie

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dear dickie,                              august 26th

i love you more.

xoxo walls

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