Jeno

Saturday is a warm welcome into their world. He stays in his room for the entire morning, even when they call him to come eat. Taeyong shows up in his doorway to see whether he's awake and Jeno says he doens't have an appetite. When Taeyong leaves, Jeno disappears beneath the safety of the covers and sleeps most of the day away. 

He's still tired when he wakes mid afternoon. His arms and legs feel numb, so he lies there for a solid ten minutes, staring at the ceiling which once upon a time would have been mercilessly decorated with star stickers and glow in the darks. If he, Jaemin, and Renjun were still together, his room would look like something that belonged to him. But it looks like a guest room. Sometimes he feels like a guest, but Doyoung and Taeyong easily remind him that it's his home too. 

It's taken months to get them off his back about inviting friends. If he had any, he would have had them over by now. Luckily, Shotaro moved in and eagerly asked. It drew the attention away from Jeno. For now. 

There's a soft rap against his door. Turning his head, he rumbles out a 'come in'. The door swings open and Shotaro steps in hesitantly. He's got on this fluffy striped sleeveless pullover  and he's wearing torn jeans. Jeno watches his eyes scan the room before settling on him, a smile curving the corners of his face easily. 

"I wanted to see if you were awake," he says, soft as ever. He reminds Jeno of what Renjun used to be like. Though Renjun had more bite to him. "And if you're going to eat. 'Cause we're going to order soon."

He forgot Shotaro was having friends over today. Which means if he plans to go to the kitchen, he'll have to face people which means introductions that he doesn't have the energy for just yet. He does need to eat and he knows that if he doesn't, not only will he regret it later, Taeyong and Doyoung will find out and they'll pester him about it. They might make him go see his therapist again. (They're more convincing and persistent than his dad.)

"What are you ordering?" He mumbles, glancing over at the clock beside his bed. It's already three. 

"Ah. We're ordering pizza," Shotaro replies. He is gentle in his replies, watching Jeno carefully. They haven't been roommates for long, but he seems to have picked up how to approach Jeno without it seeming like he's being forceful or commanding. He suggests food the way Taeyong has learnt to do with Jeno. Doyoung still stubbornly tells him when to eat and puts plates down in front of him. 

"We're doing portions, but if you'd like a whole one..."

"Potato pizza with pineapple and pepperoni. Extra sweet potato. A half is fine," Jeno murmurs, pulling the blanket over his face. He hears Shotaro give an 'okay' before leaving. The door shuts gently behind him and Jeno is left to himself and his intrusive thoughts. 

Like any other day, he remembers Jaemin.

It's who he first thought about when moving in with his roommates. Jaemin got along well with Taeyong and Doyoung. They were Jeno's only other friends outside of the group. He used to joke that Jeno should move away from his family and live with them.

It just means now that Jaemin would approve. He'd be here every other day. He would make sure Jeno's studies are going well, that he took necessary breaks, ate healthy, and kept to socializing with the others. He would come over on the bad days and lay beside Jeno. Renjun too. And they'd stick up glow in the darks and pretty star stickers so that they could count the stars without having to go outside. 

If Jaemin were here...

It's always the thought that comes haunting, but today Jeno can't shake it. His eyes brim with tears as he closes his eyes. He doesn't like thinking about it because it feels like he's blaming Jaemin for making him feel this way. But he's not. He would never do that.

It's Jeno's own damn fault for feeling like this. 

Jeno dozes off for long enough that when he stirs awake, Shotaro is in the doorway, announcing the food has arrived. He leaves allowing Jeno to take a moment to recollect himself. Pulling himself out of bed, he tugs down the sweater he fell asleep in and adjusts the waistband of his trackpants. One look in the mirror has him running a hand through his hair just so that it looks somewhat tame. He needs to look somewhat presentable if he runs into Shotaro's friends.

His bare feet pad softly across the wooden floors as he makes his way to the kitchen. Shotaro and one of his friends are there, setting out the boxes and trying to figure out who ordered what.

"Ah, Jeno. This is Sicheng. That's Jun. The other two are outside smoking." 

Jeno crinkles his nose while waving to Sicheng and Jun who occupies one of the seats near their living room coffee table. He's not too fond of smokers, but that's only because a lot of the ones he's spoken to have blown the smoke into his face, which he distastes. A bad history means nothing for people he's never met before. The two that are inside are both smiley, though Sicheng comes across more shy than Jun. 

"You should eat with us!" Jun exclaims, smiling. "It'd be nice to get to talk to one of Sho's roommates."

Jeno wants to decline, but the three of them stare at him once the suggestion is made and he knows it would be too rude. Wanting to make a good impression on them wouldn't matter, but when he thinks of what Jaemin would do, he caves, nodding.

"I'll just go wash my hands," he murmurs, heading for the bathroom. His brain hurts and Jeno thinks its because today, Jaemin is on his mind more than usual. He occupies the space like a regular tenant, but today it's somehow worse. Like he's never left to begin with despite being provided an eviction notice. 

He comes out of the bathroom right into the middle of who Jeno thinks is one of the smoker friends. He's in the kitchen with Sicheng and Shotaro, someone closely behind him but Jeno can't make out a face.

"Who eats potato pizza with extra sweet stuff on it?" It sounds like the guy is complaining. He's taller than the rest of them, slim and from the looks of it, more fashionable than Jeno knows what to do with. His face crinkles as he stares down at the pizza that must have Jeno's half.

"Who the hell knows," another voice says. Jeno recognizes it and his heart stops. "I've only known one person, but theirs was always a potato pizza with pineapple and pepperoni. Extra sweet potato."

Shotaro exclaims. "Oh. That's what this one is. How did you know?"

His heart is beating, hammering hard against his ribcage.

As the person steps forward, Jeno wonders how messed up fate can be to have one of Renjun's friends move in with Jeno. As Renjun steps forward, he sees the look of disbelief on his face, right as Shotaro spots Jeno and makes a sound of acknowledgement, eagerly waving him over. Jeno doesn't move. He's too scared to.

"Minghao, Renjun! This is my roommate—"

"Jeno," Renjun finishes.

He misses the way Renjun used to say his name. Hearing it now, the lack of emotion is audible. It sends a message that breaks Jeno's heart all over again.

Whatever they were in the past, they're no longer that now. Jeno knew it, but hearing it hurts. Knowing that they'll never be anything other than a memory of what once was is the topping on the cake. Before, there had always been some hope that one day Renjun would come back. It was all he was waiting for if he really thinks about it. Now, the hope falls away as Renjun stares coldly back at him. 

Jeno murmurs some excuse about being unable to eat with them and goes back to his room. He doesn't look back.