Renjun

In the brightest of day and the darkest of night, when he seems on his own, Huang Renjun is never truly alone. He's come to terms with the realization, but is never prepared for how hard it hits him. Sometimes, it comes for him when he has company. A low blow, hard and in the center.

Just like now, as he's staring into space.

A fraction of a memory comes to him; the first time he and Jaemin met. Renjun had been kicked out by his dad after an argument pertaining what he wished to study going forward. It didn't align with what his dad saw for him, so he got the boot.

He remembers aimlessly wandering the streets, nothing more than an empty shell stumbling across an arcade. With an hour before its closing time and nowhere to go, the shell of Renjun walked in and found a game he could settle for in this state.

Jaemin's brother worked behind the counter of the prize shop, so Jaemin had been there. They were the same age, but they'd never met before that night.

Whether it was the black eye Renjun was sporting or the pathetic mess that he appeared, he never knew, but Jaemin came over and versed him in a game with conditions.

Renjun lost because he didn't want to go home, not because Jaemin was better.

At the time, Jaemin smiled. Renjun thought he had never seen such a beautiful smile before.

To think he'll never see the smile again.

"When are we visiting Shotaro?" Renjun blows out a puff of smoke, staring at the blue of the sky that looks down on them. It's an hour before Minghao's shift and an hour and a half before Renjun's first class. The idea of a bar opening at nine in the morning seemed unrealistic, but who was he to judge.

"He'll find out from his roommates. Then we can decide."

"You say it like they won't want us over," Renjun mutters, rolling his eyes and blowing out a cloud of smoke. 

Minghao shrugs. "Maybe they hate smokers."

"They're loonies if they hate smokers"

Minghao scoffs. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

Smiling sweetly, Renjun leans back until he's sitting on one of the cemented seats in the area. The answer to that question was simple: yes, he did have class. No, he did not want to go. Yes, he was going to go because at the end of the day, if he didn't, Minghao, Sicheng and Jun would probably hassle him. Really, they were like parents more than friends sometimes. 

"I'll get there on time." He drops the cigarette to the ground and stomps on it before tossing it into the trashcan. Turning around, he flashes Minghao his sincerest smile. "We're doing this assignment in pairs, so I have to face my class at some point."

"You shouldn't skip out so much." Minghao stops speaking altogether, but it feels amiss. Like he was going to say more. It makes him think that maybe he was going to end it that way. 'Jaemin wouldn't want you to.' Point to him then, because it's true. Had Jaemin found out he was taking a gap year because of him, he would have scolded the shit out of him. He'd also be the one making Renjun get to his classes on time. He almost smiles, but catches himself in time. Looking up at Minghao, Renjun shrugs.

"I won't."

"In the wise words of Jun, I'll believe it when I see it."

He chooses not to dignify that with a response, instead turning around and lighting another cigarette. Before he can register, the cigarette is taken straight from his lips and crushed to the ground. Turning his head, he freezes when he sees Jihoon looking up at him expectantly. "You're meant to be heading to class. Can't be late."

"That was a waste of a good cigarette," he responds plainly. No matter. He'll still smoke on his way to class. 

"I'd say I'll repay you, but I won't. Those are death to your lungs and you should quit." Jihoon has his arms crossed and is leaning against Minghao. The two of them never made sense to him, until he actually saw them together. Now, he couldn't picture the one without the other. Renjun had something like that once, but it was so long ago, it's forgotten now.

"Yeah, well."

"Renjun?"

"Yes, Jihoon?"

"If you're not ready for anything, don't force yourself." Renjun looks at Jihoon. His face is gentle and sincere as he speaks. "Just cause we nag you doesn't mean you have to listen to us. We're not your parents and we aren't you. Only you can decide when you're ready. But just know we're supporting you the whole way, okay? Any decisions that keeps you with us."

He's never been good with feelings and mushyness. He's never been someone to outwardly express his emotions the way—

Renjun reaches out to ruffle Jihoon's hair, a hint of a smile curving the shape of his lips. "Thanks, hyung."

Instead of swatting his hand away like he usually would, Jihoon hums and pats Renjun's hand gently. Minghao is watching them quietly, only nodding reassuringly whenever Renjun looks at him. At least he knows it's a mutual decision and not one of them deciding for both of them.

"Just keep us updated on where you stand now and again so we know what's going on."

He decides he will, only for the sake of them. It makes him think of Jaemin and how they never did that. They never updated each other on their mindsets. Renjun and Jeno, maybe. But Jaemin? He never uttered a word. It was always them before him and when they tried to make it about him, he'd laugh it off.

Look where they are now.

"Update: I'm going to class." 

He leaves before they can say goodbye. Renjun stopped saying 'goodbye' around the time he lost Jaemin. He felt that if they didn't say goodbye, it was a promise of 'I'll see you next time.' And it was a promise he would make with everyone he became close to.

It's why he never said goodbye to his old group of friends.