Eli was counting off the lights that Audrey looked beautiful in. He was keeping a tally, to prove his theory that she managed to be equally beautiful in all lights. As he walked beside her into McDonald's, he checked off pale winter day. 

"Alright, Eli Davis," Audrey said playfully as they sat in a small booth, "Time to share your story." She was just as nervous to hear it as he was to tell it, but they both managed to keep calm as they looked across at each other. Eli opened his burger and let Audrey pick off the pickles, something of an automatic action. 

He tried not to smile as he saw that she hadn't even realized she'd done it. It was simply what was done. Audrey layered the extra pickles onto her burger and licked her fingers. She took a bite, elbows on the table, waiting. Eli knew she wouldn't say a single word until he finished his story. That's how she forced him into talking. 

Another thing he loved about her. Should he have a tally for that? He decided against it, as the list would be endless. 

****

Eli stood outside of the relatively small brick building, and inspected the piece of paper. Undoubtedly, he was at the right address. Nurse Callie- funny, he'd never asked her name when they talked- had made him promise to come here. 

There were so many people, so much buzzing. Car horns and sirens and shouting. Eli's heartbeat sped up and he closed his eyes, thinking about what Audrey taught him. Breathe in for six, out for eight. Eli set his jaw, opened his eyes, and walked into the building. 

People milled around quietly inside, and the woman at the reception desk offered him a warm smile. "Can I help you?" She asked. She was petite and quite young, with sparkling green eyes. Eli cleared his throat, feeling shaky and so very alone without Audrey beside him. 

He slid the paper onto her desk, "I have this note, I-" 

The receptionist picked it up and smiled, "You're here for Mrs. M." 

"I- I guess." 

"Take a seat, I'll call her down." The receptionist motioned towards the waiting area and picked up her phone. Eli nodded, head swimming. He'd never felt so lonely before. It was weird; he used to crave being alone. As he sat between two people, one of which was talking to herself, he felt as if a piece of him had been ripped off and left behind. 

"Eli Davis?" A slim, middle aged black woman stood, looking around the reception area. Eli stood up, picking his bags up with him. She smiled softly when she saw him. Walking over, she grabbed on to his shoulder. "Callie called me. She told me to look out for you." Linking her arm into his, she pulled him down the hallway. "She'll be so happy to hear you've made it." 

****

Eli lay awake at night, listening to the sound of three other boys snoring. Turning over again, he pulled his journal out and held it up near the window, where the street lights could illuminate the pages. He stared at her writing, tracing over it with his finger. 

It became a sort of ritual. Every night, he would trace over her writing and try to remember a different detail about her. Then he'd push the journal back under his pillow and try to sleep. For her. She always made such a big deal about him sleeping. 

Every day, he sat in a circle. It was a circle of people, mostly young adults. Mrs. M stood in the middle, and as she walked and talked, she would sometimes wink at Eli- trying to convey that she'd not forgotten him. 

It would start with a question. Something simple, like your favorite color. The question would go around the circle, and then progress into questions that weren't so easy to answer. If you didn't feel comfortable, you didn't have to answer. Eli always stopped answering on the 'Why are you here?' question. 

He listened for months, to people with awful stories, traumatic pasts. Eventually, they all managed to spill it. Eli wasn't stupid- he could see how much happier they all were when they told their stories. It was all out in the open, and they were so much lighter. He simply couldn't do it. 

One day, when everyone was filing out of the room to get lunch, Eli got stopped by Mrs. M. "Take a seat, Eli." She said, and sat in the seat next to him. Eli shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, avoiding her gaze. He'd reverted back to his old ways; not that Mrs. M knew what was old and what was new for Eli. She had a feeling, though, that group therapy wasn't for him. 

"I just want to know why you're here. Just between you and me." She asked softly, and Eli's leg started to shake. "I want to help you. You know that, right?" She asked, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. Eli nodded and looked down at his scuffed shoes. "Audrey." He said quietly. 

"Audrey?" Mrs. M remembered that he had the same answer to 'What's your favorite thing in the whole world?'. Everyone else had answered with something, not someone. She made a mental note to call Callie and ask if she knew anything about this 'Audrey'. 

"Is there any other reason?" She prodded. Callie had told her things over the phone, but she needed visual confirmation. 

Eli didn't say anything for a long moment, and then tugged his sweater sleeves up. He had torn the bandages off months ago, and refused to look at what he'd done ever since. He wouldn't do it again. Anytime he thought about it, he saw Audrey's face in the hospital, and on the beach. How mortified she'd been. How scared. 

Mrs. M audibly gulped at his exposed forearms. "Okay." She said hoarsely, and Eli pulled his sleeves back down, stone faced, eyes locked on his shoes. "Okay." She repeated. 

****

"I've decided one on one therapy would be best for you." Mrs. M had Eli in her small office. The building itself was so very small, Eli was surprised at how many people fit in it. He often wondered how the people who worked there got paid, if they got paid at all. After all, they were taking in all these troubled people at no charge. At least, they hadn't charged Eli. 

"Mr. Lee is an amazing therapist." Mrs. M continued, and Eli had nothing to say. He would comply, of course. But, he couldn't pretend to be happy about it. "If you want to call her," Mrs. M suddenly said, making Eli look up, "You can use my phone." She pushed it slightly towards him. 

Eli thought about the number left in his journal, and shook his head. "Why not?" Mrs. M asked, leaning forward. "I- um," Eli cleared his throat, his voice croaky from being so quiet for so long, "If I call her, I won't stay here." 

"She wants you to go home?" 

"No- well, kind of." Eli sighed, "It's more me. If I even hear her voice, I couldn't take it. I miss her so much, but- but I need to do this. I need to be better." 

"Better?" Mrs. M interjected. 

"You know what I mean." Eli replied, his throat dry, and she did know. "She's so incredible, you don't even- I mean, I'll never be worthy of her, but I want to be there. Fully there. Stable." 

Mrs. M's lips twitched up, "You really love each other, huh?" She studied the young man in front of her, the way he stared into blank space when he talked about this girl, the way his eyes shone when he said 'incredible', a memory threatening to pull a smile onto his usually solemn face. 

Eli thought back to what Audrey had written in his journal. "That's what I'm counting on." 

((Lady Lazarus; super creepy but insanely amazing poem. One of the lines is the title of this chapter! This is only year one of New York for Eli, btw ;) ))