Another day.

The sun rose just like every other morning. The world didn't stop turning just because he wanted it to… unfortunately.

He tried not to disturb Zac as he slid from his arms and out of bed. He’d barely put his feet on the floor and already he wanted this day to end.

This day was going to be rough. He only hoped that he would make it through without breaking into even more pieces.

He felt a bit like a zombie as he began to start breakfast, just like he usually did every morning. The routine of it all was a bit comforting. No matter what happened with Angel, and despite the fact that he’d lost Mitch, he would always have this and this would remain constant.

He could almost count down to the moment that the smell of brewing coffee would lure his roommate out from his blanket cocoon.

Sure enough he appeared moments later, scratching at his head trying to shake the cobwebs, his hair sticking up at every angle imaginable. He stretched his arms up towards the ceiling, the muscles flexing in his bare chest.

Scott smirked at the scene before him. Well, he did before he was reminded of Mitch and the way he’d stretched out like a lynx in the morning.

It put him in a somber mood again, jaded and melancholy. Mitch was ruining all of the things he'd previously enjoyed.

Zac walked up behind him and massaged gently at his shoulders. “You’re gonna be ok. It’s all going to work itself out.”

Scott hung his head a bit, trying not to think of another's hands that had done the same thing. “You’re always going to be here right? No matter what happens with Angel? I mean, I know you were her friend first, but-”   He didn't know if he could handle losing Zac too. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Angel will be fine. She’ll be a mess for awhile, but she’s the strongest woman I know. She will move on. Besides, you're my best friend. No matter what.”

He leaned up to kiss the back of Scott's neck. The touch was so inviting. Everything about Zac was inviting, his scent, his fingers, his lips.. Scott currently wanted to lose himself in him.

While he had been the one to take care of Mitch, Zac was always the one to take care of him. Right now he needed that.

Zac moved around him to start helping cook breakfast since Scott would most likely ruin it in his distracted state.

“Some of the guys want to go out tonight, get a few drinks. You should come. It might help get your mind off of things. I’ll play DD?”

 Scott frowned. He hated these invitations.

Just what I need. A night full of gorgeous, rich, completely straight guys that talk about nothing but boobs, who they’ve slept with and who Miley Cyrus is fucking today. EXACTLY what I need.

He mentally rolled his eyes.

However, the drinking part might be needed.

But no, he didn’t want to go anywhere. He wanted to sit at home in his bed and just exist. “I think it will depend on how my talk with Angel goes.”

Zac nodded. “You’re telling her today?”

“I need to do it before I lose my nerve. Which will probably be really soon”

“Well, good luck, man.”

Scott nodded. “Thanks. I think I’m going to need it.”

“Speaking of needing luck, I have a screen test for a new movie today.”

“Well, good luck, even though you don’t need it.”

Zac laughed a little and poured himself a cup of coffee, before sitting down at the table and grabbing the newspaper.

It was just like every other day...

Y’know except for the crushing weight in your chest and overwhelming anxiety about to swallow you whole

Scott joined him and they ate with a bit of their regular chitchat.

When Zac began to read the paper, and things got quiet, Scott began to stare at his phone. He knew he had to call her to see if she’d be home. As much as he didn’t want to see her face when he told her, there was no way he was going to be such a coward to do this over the phone. He finally hit the button and winced at the number of missed calls and waiting voicemail and text messages. He couldn’t deal with those yet.

One heartbreak at a time.

He bypassed all of that and found Angel’s name in his contacts. He stared at her name for a good 2 minutes before he finally dialed.

~

You look like hell.

Mitch stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He’d hoped a hot shower would help clear the cobwebs, but he was still just as lost as he had been before.

You didn’t even know him that long. You were doing just fine before he showed up and life will go on now that he’s gone.

He closed his eyes at the thought. The sad part was that eventually he would move on. Eventually the hurt would fade and he’d be able to move forward. The problem is that he didn’t want to. He knew that every time he’d pass Scott in the hallway, or hear someone say his name, or when  he would catch him smiling or laughing with someone else it would bring everything back to the surface again. If he didn’t fix this now, he’d always regret it. If he couldn’t undo this mess he’d created then he would always wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t had a melt down.

He splashed cold water on his face a couple of times.

Get your knees prepped, because you’re going to have to do a LOT of groveling.

He took a deep breath. He’d barely slept, and the sleep he had gotten had been fitful and uneasy. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked pale and withdrawn. He had a headache that was worthy of an all night binge drinking session, courtesy of the previous nights stupidity when it came to mixing his meds with his vice. All of the tears he’d shed hadn’t helped matters either.

Kirstie was awake now, he could smell the food she was currently preparing. It smelled wonderful, but still he almost didn’t want to leave the bathroom. Once he left this room he really had to face this. Once he was out in the real world he would have to face Kirstie and her opinions and advice. Eventually he was going to have to face Scott.

Part of him wanted to race over to his apartment, eager to remedy the situation and go back to how things had been before his brain breakdown. The other part of him was terrified of the rejection he was 90% sure he would be met with.

Stop being some sad Lifetime movie character. If you can’t pull it together you aren’t going to accomplish anything.

He took a deep breath and lifted his chin with faked confidence.

“I can do this.” He finally gathered his crutches beneath his arms and stepped out, headed for the kitchen.

~

Zac was in the middle of putting his shoes on when there was a knock at his door. He wasn’t all that surprised to find the nervous brunette waiting in his hallway.

They both hesitated.  Mitch found words first.

“I know he doesn’t want to see me, but I have to apologize. Please.”

Zac stared at him for a moment. He hadn’t spent a ton of time with Mitch, but he did know that Mitch looked a little worse for wear.

After contemplating for a moment, he stood aside and let Mitch hobble in. He closed the door behind him.

“Have a seat.”

He watched Mitch maneuver himself to the couch and sit. He himself sat across from him in the chair that Scott usually occupied.  “He’s not here.”

The way Mitch’s face fell made Zac rethink his previous assumptions. Maybe this meant more to Mitch than he’d thought.

“Then why did you invite me in.”

“Because we need to talk.”

“Is this the part where you tell me that I’m never going to have him and I’m not good enough for him?”

“No. This is the part where you give me a reason to even let you near him again, because he is a mess. You don’t know what he’s been through. I won’t let you just walk in here and hurt him again.”

Mitch didn’t hesitate. “You want a reason? How about because I’m so in love with him I can’t even think properly. I love him. Already.”

Of course you are. He has a way of doing that to people.

“Then why did you do it? Why’d you push him away?” He narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing the other man. If he was going to let Mitch even attempt to fix things with Scott he had to be sure this wasn’t going to end with Scott in complete shambles.

Mitch felt his chest tighten as he remembered his mistake. “I drank too much at dinner and I heard him on the phone and I was just soooo jealous of-” he cut off. He didn’t want to tell Zac he was jealous of both he AND Angel. He wasn’t sure that would go over too well.

Zac was pretty sure he knew what the end of that sentence was going to be.

Angel.

He’d been jealous of his friend and what she had with Scott on countless occasions. Scott was always so gentle and loving and always made sure to let her know how much she meant to him. It was the relationship he’d always wanted for himself- even if he did know it was mostly pretense. He couldn’t really blame Mitch for being jealous of her.

“That’s where he is. He’s at Angel’s.”

“Of course he is.” Mitch shrank a bit in defeat. The tears coated his eyes again. He looked at his lap as he tried to hide them, but it was too late.

Zac sat quietly, mulling over all of the information he’d gathered. He still wasn’t a huge Mitch fan, but looking at him now, listening to how he talked about Scott, he seemed to genuinely care for him. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. Possibly.

“He’s leaving her.”

Mitch’s eyes shot up to meet his. “What?”

“He’s telling her the truth, about himself. Right now.”

“I don’t understand.” Mitch was a bit addled.

“He made a choice. You don’t seem to realize this was bigger than just your affair. I think I need to educate you a bit more on Scott. He isn’t just neurotic, y’know.”

He met Mitch’s eyes, hoping he was about to do the right thing by sharing so much of Scott’s history with this boy. He genuinely seemed to love him, so he decided to take the chance.

Mitch just nodded, unsure of this awkward conversation and where it was headed.

“Scott’s family isn’t supportive of him. At all. Well, that’s kind of putting it mildly. To be honest, his dad is a psycho, homophobic asshole. His mom isn’t quite as bad, but she is extremely judgemental of pretty much everything and everyone, especially Scott.”

He took a deep breath before continuing. Here’s where it got personal.

“His dad used to hit him if he didn’t like something he said or did. He uses a religion that he’s twisting to justify beating his own child. He tried to scare him into quitting dance because it was what girls do, not boys. I think he’s just always known Scott’s gay, and that’s why he’s tried so hard to make him not want to be who he is.” 

Mitch was frozen. At first he’d thought Zac was screwing with him, but he could see the intense anger towards Scott’s father plainly displayed in Zac’s eyes. This was no joke.

Suddenly all of the things he hadn’t really understood now made sense: all of Scott’s fear, the panic attacks, his want to be “normal.” All he wanted to do in that moment was take Scott in his arms and keep him there, protect him forever. The revelation also made him feel like even more of a complete douchebag.

“Look, I know you mean well, but he just can’t handle even more of an emotional rollercoaster than he’s already on.”

“I won’t hurt him again.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I can! I wouldn't!”

Here was the kicker. If Mitch could handle this truth then maybe he wouldn’t be so easily scared away, and just maybe he’d be the man that Scott needed in his life. Maybe he’d be the man that Zac had tried to for so long, but had never been able to be.

If Scott found out he was revealing all of this he would probably never speak to him again. But this was Mitch. Scott trusted Mitch beyond reasoning at times, and he knew it. If Mitch was going to try and be with Scott then he needed to know what he was getting into. He wouldn’t tell him everything, just enough.

“Did you know that when Scott first started realizing that he might be gay that he tried to kill himself?”

Silence.

Zac gave him a bit to process. Mitch’s eyes had widened, his breath held. He remembered when he himself had found out about the first of Scott’s attempts to end his own life. It was a LOT to process. 

“Oh, God.” Mitch finally exhaled, but his heart felt like it was suddenly in a vise-grip. He prayed this was a joke. He couldn’t even imagine getting to a point of wanting to end his own life. Scott…

When Zac continued he wasn't sure he wanted to hear more.

“He’d been taught all of his life that gay people are mistakes, abominations. Imagine how he felt when he’d started having feelings for a boy. He couldn’t take it. He OD’d. Thankfully his sister, Lauren found him in time. Barely.”

Mitch felt nauseous. The idea of Scott- no. He couldn’t think about it.

“Why are you telling me all of this.”

“Because, as much as I don’t like it, I know that Scott didn’t just choose to let Angel go now because he thought it was time. He’s choosing you. I need to know that you aren’t going to hurt him again. I care too much about him to let someone rip him apart. I don’t know if I could put him back together again if you did.”

“I won’t. I would never…” Mitch shook his head, but he knew it didn’t change things.  “But it doesn’t even matter. He’s never going to speak to me again.”

“If you really believe that then you’ve already lost him.” Zac stood up and moved to grab his jacket off of the coat rack.

Mitch took the cue and stood from the couch and headed towards him. “So what do I do?”

Zac opened the door. “Prove to him that you aren’t going anywhere, and that you aren’t going to give up on him. ”

“How do I do that?” Mitch lingered in the doorway.

“That you will have to figure out for yourself.” Zac closed the door behind both of them as they went their separate ways, both with mixed emotions and a head crowded with way too many things to think about.

~

Scott lay in bed later that afternoon, staring at the ceiling and hoping the music coming from his ipod dock would help calm him.

He hadn’t stopped crying since about 10 minutes after he’d walked through Angel's door. She had been so beautiful, even with tears streaming down her face. He’d almost taken it all back.  

He felt horrible. She’d handled it so gracefully, even when he could tell she was so close to falling apart. Every tear she shed broke his heart a little more. He’d always hated when she cried, but he especially hated that she was wasting her tears on him.

The worst part was how supportive of him she’d been when he had actually confessed that he thought he might be “bisexual.” She’d let him break down in her arms, even after he’d broken her heart. He didn’t understand how she could still hold him, comfort him when he was the reason for own anguish. He hated that she had to hurt because he was the ass that had stolen years of her life.

He’d asked her why she didn’t hate him. Why hadn’t she kicked him out. She had given him such a sad smile, the memory of it still brought tears to his eyes. Her answer: “Because I love you, you idiot.” She’d actually laughed a bit through her tears. He had kissed her then, knowing it was going to be the last he’d ever take from her. She had clung to him, their tears mingling.

He wished he felt more liberated now. He was on his own. He was free to do as he wanted. Too bad the one thing he wanted to do didn’t want to do him.

He sighed and looked at his phone again. He still couldn’t bring himself to listen to any of the voicemails. He’d deleted the texts from Kirstie and Mitch without even reading them.

He felt his chest begin to ache again when Usher’s U Got it Bad began to play. He didn’t want to be reminded of his longing for a certain contemporary dancer, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and change the song.

He needed to forget for a little while. He needed to pretend this wasn’t happening. He needed a distraction.

He shot off a text to his best friend.

Scott: Count me in for tonight I need a drink

Scott: or 20

Zac: Good I’ll be home in 20 we can go 2 a buffet & eat everything in sight  b4 you go destroy ur liver

Scott: i love food

Zac: & food luvs u

Scott chuckled a bit and tossed his phone to the side. He kind of wished he hadn’t returned the concealer he’d used to cover up the mark on his neck this morning. He just hoped no one would bring it up and with it memories he wanted to leave behind.

Tonight I’m getting over you. Tonight I’m starting over.