Mitch was starting to get worried

Kirstie had looked a mixture of confused and totally p!ssed off when she left the kitchen and Scott was STILL in there.

He tried to catch Kirstie’s eye while Jeremy was telling some story he pretended to be interested in, but she was purposely avoiding his gaze.

What the hell happened in there?

When Jeremy had finished his story, Mitch excused himself and went into the kitchen.

Scott had his back to him, standing statue still with both hands on the counter in front of him, his head hung.

“Hey, you ok?” He spoke quietly, trying not to spook the other man, but his crutches made it pretty impossible to sneak up on anything.

Please be ok. Please don’t shut me out.

~

“Yeah.  I’m…” Scott trailed off.  He searched for the words. He racked his brain trying to put meaning into what he was feeling. He wanted to say “fine. I’m fine.” but he was about as far from fine as humanly possible.  He wasn’t “fine.” He wasn’t “ok.”  He wasn’t “alright” or “good” or anything else that normal people say when someone asks if they are ok. He couldn’t even bring himself to lie to Mitch. He couldn’t fake his way through this, not with him.

Why was this so hard?

He closed his eyes trying to shut it all out. He wished that he had an off switch for his mind. Too many thoughts, too many fears, too many insecurities

Too much.

He could hear Mitch’s crutches moving closer.  He felt the tears begin to slide beneath his lashes, unbidden.  He felt pathetic.

“I..I think I’m gonna skip the movies.”

~

This can’t be happening again. He was fine earlier! What the hell did she do?!

“I-  I don’t understand?” He stared at his back, knowing without seeing that Scott was on the verge of tears.

~

“Please-”  Words.  Stupid.Fu¢king.Words.   Why couldn’t he just put them together.  Why couldn't he voice the tempest inside of him? He lacked eloquence on the best of days, but he couldn't even form a fragment, let alone a full sentence.

Please..  Please don’t?  Please just let it go?  Please help.

It was too loud, too scattered, too discordant.

Too damaged.

~

Mitch steadied himself with his crutches and reached out a hand to touch his shoulder. He could feel the tension radiating from Scott before he’d even made contact.  The air felt heavy, ominous.  

Or maybe that was just the fear of losing everything they’d gained. He didn’t want to go backwards.  He wasn’t sure he could without his heart being completely rent.

~

Scott tried not to, but the inhale was sharp and audible. The recoil was obvious. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter as the hand retracted due to his response. He didn’t want to do this to Mitch.  He didn’t want to show him how broken he was.  

Everything he kept so meticulously hidden was wearing him down.

He owed it to Mitch to look him in the eye. He had to.

He turned slowly and opened his eyes.

~

He felt like the breath had been knocked completely out of him. Scott looked so defeated.  He’d been so happy not 30 minutes ago.  What had Kirstie done.

He had to think fast.  He had to fix this now or he was afraid he’d lose him forever.

“Tell me.” He wiped the wet streaks from Scott’s cheeks one at a time.

He didn’t get a response immediately. Scott looked like he was trying to choose his words carefully.

Please don’t say it’s over. I can’t-

He cut off that thought before it could finish forming.  He wouldn’t let this be the end, not when they hadn’t even really begun.

He moved closer, cursing his stupid crutches for making it so difficult

“Hey…” He found Scott’s hand with his own and gave it a squeeze, his eyes meeting troubled blue once again.   “... you can tell me.”

~

He felt so lost. He wanted to say it.  He wanted to say it all.

He could see the concern on the beautiful face before him. He wanted to kiss it away, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t make it stop.

He just wanted it to stop.

“I’m scared.”

He had confessed, yet again. It was so quiet even his own ears had barely caught it, but the look on Mitch’s face told him he had also heard the words that he hadn’t even meant to say.

Twice he'd confessed his fears to this man when he'd barely ever been able to admit it to himself.

Another tear blazed a new trail down his cheek. Years ago he used to try to count his tears, sure there had to be an end to how many a body could create, but he’d come to realize that inside him was an ocean and they’d never end if he didn’t make them. Once he’d prayed to cry enough tears he could drown in them.  

He was tired of crying. He was tired of running. He was tired of CARING.

Mitch’s voice broke through the haze.  He sounded so vulnerable and Scott was slowly going to smother him if he wasn’t careful.  He knew it.

~

“Baby, I know...” He watched the tear that slid down Scott’s face.  He seemed so small then, young and lost. He wanted to take him in his arms and hold him and let him know that it was ok to be scared. Hell, he himself was terrified of all of this, but he knew for Scott it was something different.

They were going to figure this out.

He squeezed his hand tighter and brought it to his lips to kiss the back of it reassuringly.

“.. I know and it’s ok.”

~

Scott shook his head furiously. “No! No it’s not ok!  I can’t be-.”  He squeezed his eyes shut again, unable to look at the furrow that graced Mitch’s brow any longer. He practically choked on the words that spilled out of him.  “I can’t even have one of my best friends find out that I’m gay without losing my mind and having a fu¢king panic attack. It’s NOT OK!”

Crack... after crack... after crack. 

He was fracturing into tiny pieces. He couldn't keep the cracks from spidering, the fissures spreading until he was ready to fall apart.

He wanted to run away, but he was afraid of knocking Mitch over, and even in a panic he refused to put the other at risk. He felt his pulse beginning to race again, creating an ugly, uneven rhythm. He was unraveling faster than he ever had before. He couldn’t stop it, he wasn’t even sure how to try.

~

There it is.

He’d come right out and said it. He was gay. Not experimenting, not confused, not bisexual…  gay.  It wasn’t a matter of him being unsure, that much was now obvious. He was simply afraid. Afraid of what exactly still remained to be seen, but he was clearly terrified.

He tried to think of something inspired to say.  He had to get Scott to calm.  He could feel him trembling, hear him struggling to keep breathing.

“Scott, look at me.” He had to think fast. He managed to balance, laying his crutches against the counter on either side of scott.  He covered Scott’s cheeks with his hands, using his thumb to caress the damp skin.

He still didn’t open his eyes, he just pressed them even tighter.

“Look at me.” His first instinct had been to yell, but it had come out as nearly whisper.

He felt tears forming in his own eyes when those baby blues met his again. His heart ached for Scott, for the pain he was in.  He wanted to take it away, but he didn’t know how. He whispered the only words that wanted to come out.

“I’m yours.”

He managed to balance and lift onto his toes and catch Scott’s lips with his own. His good leg was getting a bit uncomfortable since he had had all of his weight on it for such an extended period of time, but being a dancer was currently aiding him well.

Scott seemed to immediately start to relax, and after a moment he began to respond, his hands moving to Mitch’s waist. The kiss lasted only long enough for the troubled man to regain some composure.

He smiled as Scott’s forehead moved to rest against his and they both closed their eyes, enjoying the contact.

~

“Thank you” he finally broke the silence.

Mitch’s musical laugh encouraged him to open his eyes and see him.

“And here I thought I was being insensitive.” He smiled, his eyes looking right into Scott’s.  They sparkled from tears that hadn’t managed to escape.

Scott laughed and shook his head a bit before he looked down.  “Your ankle.”

“It’s fine, Sc-  Oh!”  He couldn’t help the surprised noise that escaped him as he was lifted and found himself sitting on the counter. “Well someone’s been working out.” He winked at Scott who moved closer to stand between his legs.  

He was quiet again.

“I’m so screwed up. I'm sorry."

Mitch opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by a hesitant Kirstie coming to check on them.

“Guys? Is everything ok? If we don’t leave soon we won’t make it on time.” She chewed on her lip.

“Yeah, we’ll be right out.” Mitch gave her a reassuring nod and she left them to it.

“Alright, Fabio. I’m going to need some assistance getting down from-” he was cut off by Scott’s mouth pressing against his, his hands clinging to his upper arms desperately.

He blinked, a bit confused as Scott pulled away.  

“For courage.”  Scott clarified.

He felt warmth spread through him before Scott helped him down and got his crutches back to him.

They were going to get through this.  Somehow. They would figure it out, together.

Somehow.