Find the light. How the hell am I supposed to find the freaking light? What if there is no light at the end of my tunnel? What if all there is, is darkness?

No, that can't be all it is, this can't be what life is all about. There has to be more to it; there has to be. But do I want to find it? Am I willing to suffer a thousand times over to end up right back here to where I started? Maybe Rachel was right; maybe I'm not suicidal; perhaps I'm just a scared teenage girl who's afraid of growing up and having the world reject her. Maybe.

I do have depression; that's a fact. There was a time when I had no hope, no purpose, a time when I felt nothing. But I don't feel like that anymore; now it feels more like I'm forcing myself to give up.

It will be harder for me to want to live and not give up when bad things happen. Depression will always have a hold over me; there's nothing I can do about that; no amount of medication or therapy sessions can change that. But the thing is I can choose to fight it; I can beat depression and throw it into a bottomless pit, or I can let it consume me and allow it and I to fall into that pit together. I, out of all people, know that it's hard to get out once you fall into that pit with it.

I think I found the light, though; maybe it's my parents, my mom, and my dad. I love them, so they have to be it; if anyone could be my light, I would want it to be them. I pull the car up right in front of my house; my dad's car isn't outside. I grab my phone and dial his number. The line rings three times, and then he answers. "Hey, Where are you?" I ask.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but I got called into a meeting. I couldn't do it at home; it's a board meeting, so I had to come in."

"Oh...uhm, that's.."

"I promise I will make it up to you; there's money on the counter for food, I have to go," he says.

"Ok, b-" before I can tell him goodbye, the phone hangs up. Well, so much for him being the light. I won't even call my mother; I know she won't answer. Maybe they aren't the light I need; my parents have disappointed me too many times to count; I don't even think they mean to do it; they just do.

Sometimes people aren't meant to be parents.

I take a deep breath; I don't feel like being alone, then again, I do, but I don't think I should be alone right now. I grab my phone and call Caleb.

...

I look at myself in the mirror; I don't know why I'm so nervous Caleb has been over here before. Well, he's been over here while other people were here, but it's never just been him and me.

I have on my black leggings and my red hoodie; I hope he doesn't think it's weird that I'm wearing a hoodie in the house; I still can't wear my short sleeve shirts, my cuts are still too visible on my wrist.

I take the scrunchy out of my hair and allow it to fall. I never got that haircut; it looks even longer than it did before—the doorbell rings. I walk down the stairs and unlock the door; I smile stupidly as soon as I see him. He does too. "Hey," I say, it comes out more like a squeak than an actual word.

"Hey." I open the door he walks in. I close the door. "Where are your parents?" he asks.

"Uhm, my mom is in California. She has a case, and my dad is at a business meeting."

"Oh." he turns around and looks me up and down. He moves closer to me and grabs my waist, pulling me closer towards him, my body tingling as his cold hands grab my waist. "You look nice," he says in my ear. I let out a giggle. Ugh, why am I acting like this?

"Thank you."

He plants a kiss on my lips, and instead of enjoying it, all I can think about is what happened this evening with Thomas.

...

Caleb is sitting at the bottom of the bed on his phone doing something; I don't know what, I didn't ask. I'm sitting at the top with my back against my headboard. I'm on my computer reading over the word oblivion, my assignment is due tomorrow, and I have not started yet. I don't know if I want to write my own poem or find a poem based on the word and then explain it. I think I'll just find a poem and then explain it will be easier for me to explain it than to write my own.

"What are you doing?" Caleb asks me.

"Uhm finishing up some homework. What are you doing?" I ask him.

"Texting Logan."

"Oh, where is he?" I haven't seen him in forever; I never asked James how his date was with him. I guess I will never know.

"He and some of the guys on our team are at this party," he says.

"Oh. If you want to go, you don't have to stay." I don't want him to feel like he has to stay here with me.

"I'm good. I'd rather be here with you," he says reassuringly. He moves closer and takes the computer off my lap. He places it on the nightstand; he places his hand on my waist and my back slides of the wall and down; I'm now flat on the bed; he's on top of me. He kisses my neck. "I missed you," he says in a whispering tone.

My body shivers. "I missed you too." I managed to say. He removes his head from my neck and rolls off me onto the other side of the bed. He lays on his side and places his hand onto my stomach; he then slides it under my shirt. My head moves up, and I take a deep breath. "Are you nervous about the game tomorrow?" I ask him trying to distract myself from what he's doing to me.

"A little," he says. "You know what would make me less nervous?"

"What?" I can see him out the corner of my eye, biting on his lip.

"If you were there."

I turn my head to look at him; I grab his hand that is now moving slowly across the hem of my underwear. "You want me to come to your game tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

It feels nice to hear him say he wants me to come to his game tomorrow and that he would feel much better if I came. I would love to be there to support him. "I would love to come, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I uh have a competition tomorrow."

"Competition?" he questions.

"It's for the Stem Club," I say, he lets out a small laugh.

"Like robots and stuff."

"Yeah." Oh, god, he must think I'm a total geek.

"That's cool. You didn't tell me you were on the Stem team," he says.

"Yeah, I uh forgot." I didn't forget to tell him; I just didn't tell him. I didn't think I had to, I'm not used to this whole relationship thing, or whatever we are.

"What time does it start?" he asks.

"Uh, I think it starts at four. What time does your game start?" I ask.

"Five thirty," he answers. "Well, it's fine. If we win the game tomorrow and your school wins their game, we will go against each other at the championships." It doesn't surprise me that Ravenswood High and Crossland High could possibly go against each other. If I were a betting person, I would bet all my money on the Ravenswood's game tomorrow, they're going to win the game, along with the team Crossland is going against. I'm sure of it. "You have to come to the championship game."

"Of course, I will. I won't be there for my school, of course. I'll be there for you." I say candidly. It's the truth; I would rather be there supporting Caleb than be there showing school spirit for Crossland. He smiles and then moves his hand to my waist again. He pulls me closer to him and then kisses me gently on the lips; my whole body shivers again, a feeling that I am now used to. He slides his hand under my shirt; his cold hands trail my spine and up to the clasp of my bra. I pull away from him. "Wait." I try to catch my breath.

I lift off the bed quickly; he does too. "What's wrong? Was that too much? I'm sorry."

Sorry? "No, no, you're fine, it's just...I have to tell you something." He looks a little worried; he sits up more and swings his legs off of my bed. Now he is just sitting at the edge. "I kissed someone." I blurt out.

"What?" I can hear the anger in his voice.

"Wait, no. Someone kissed me." I change my words. I moved away when they did it...but it just happened so fast... and I-"

He stands up from the bed; his breathing is rapid; I can see his chest moving up and down. "Was it Ryder?"

I narrow my eyes. "What? No, no, it wasn't Ryder." I shake my head, trying to get the image of him and me kissing; I don't think I could ever share a delicate intimate moment like that with him; he's so rude and aggressive and callous, not to mention egotistic.

"So who was it?" he asks.

"This boy Thomas, he's on the stem team with me. We were just talking and then..." I shrug my shoulder. "I don't know it came out of nowhere. I swear I didnt.. I wasn't like, flirting with him or anything." At least I don't think I was. Was he even flirting with me? I mean, he says a lot of nice things to me, but I thought that's all they were... just nice things.

He moves closer to me and takes my hands into his. He slowly walks back and sits on the edge of the bed. My body is between his legs. "What did you do after he kissed you?" He asks.

"I just moved back, and that was it. I didn't have time to say anything. He was all freaked out, and then he walked out of the room."

"So, what are you going to tell him when you see him tomorrow?"

I look down at the floor. "What do you want me to say?" I look back up. His brown eyes search mine.

"I want you to tell him you have a boyfriend."

I try to suppress the smile my lips want to show; I don't know what to say, so I do the one thing I always do when I have no words, play dumb. "Oh really, and who's my boyfriend?" I say jokingly, look around the room.

"Jayda." He says seriously.

I look back at him. I can see the sincerity on his face. "I'm just kidding," I say. "So that's what we are? Boyfriend and Girlfriend?"

He licks his lips and pulls me even closer to him. "If that's what you want us to be."

I do. God, I do, but I'm scared. If I say yes, that's it, I can't kill myself; I can't leave him. How could I? I'm not cruel. I would never do something like that to him. I lean forward, embracing him in a kiss. I don't want to tell him I do, it sounds like I'm getting married, so this kiss will have to do; I'm sure he knows that the answer is yes. In one quick lift, he picks me up; my body straddles his lap, he leans back, allowing me to be on top of him. He grabs my waist tightly, pulling my body even closer to his, I release a moan into his mouth.

Maybe he's it. Maybe he's the light I need. I was scared for him to be the only reason I wanted to live, but he's not; he's that sparkle leading me to the light. I have to start somewhere, and somewhere is here. It's him.

We have both been through so much. Maybe that's why he and I click. I need saving, I do, but so does he.

So this is how we save ourselves by saving each other because nobody has ever been saved alone.

(Whew ok I know I have been gone for awhile so sorry school is killing me *shakes head. Like why would they ever give us this much work... I really be up till like 3am doing homework... I'm so upset cause I really have no time for writing after, and on the weekends I'm sleep the whole day. Any so guys I've made a desicon I wont be entering into the watty's *sad face. I have started editng but I don't have enough time to finish and I feel like I'm rushing through editing and I dont want to do that I want to take my time and really clean up the story, so yeah... I will for sure enter next year though. Good Luck to everyone whos entering I'm rooting for you guys!)