"You've seen one vampire movie, you've seen them all. All vampire movies have the same storyline." Caleb says. "Mystery guy comes into town. A lonely girl moves to a new town, whatever the case may be. Fast forward, somehow, a love triangle gets into the storyline, and then, later on, the girl will want to be a vampire, but the boy doesn't want her to be, some villain gets thrown into the story, and the two guys do whatever to protect her." He rambles, and I just listen. "Oh, and let's not forget the girl always loses her parents or a parent, and in Twilight's case, she has divorced parents." He turns the car left onto my street. He looks at me. "They're all the same!"

"Thats not true." I laugh the words out, still denying that all vampire movies actually have a similar plot.

"It isn't?" he looks over at me.

"Okay, maybe it's a little true." I motion my thumb and index finger close. "But they each have their own uniqueness."

He jokingly rolls his eyes. "Mhm," he pulls up to the front of my house and turns the car off.

I turn my body towards him. "Since you didn't like the movie. Does that mean you wouldn't watch another one with me?" Like a child, I stick out my bottom lip.

He grabs my waist and pulls me even closer to him; my stomach flutters at the contact. "Id rather watch you," he says in my ear. I giggle like a child at his words. He looks at me and then leans forward, giving me a light, passionate kiss.

It's different; it's not like the kiss we shared earlier. I pull away from him and look down. I can't do this. "What's wrong?" he asks me. I stay quiet. I don't know what to say. Well, I do, but I can't say it. How can I tell him that I want to die, that I have nothing to live for?

How can I tell him that he's not enough for me?

"Caleb, I..." my phone buzzes. I look back and pick it up off the seat.

*Call me...NOW! -Travis

I look back up at Caleb. "Uh, I have to go!" I say frantically. I slide back over the seat towards the door.

"What? Are you okay?" he asks me.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, really," I assure him. He doesn't look convinced. I lean over and give him a quick kiss. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," he says.

I smile at him and then open the car door; he waits until I get into the house to pull off. I turn my phone on and look for Travis's contact. What does he want? Before I can hit the call button, my dad appears from his office. "Hey, your back!" he says. "Did you have fun?"

I shrug my shoulders. "It was alright."

"Well, that's good!" I take the case off my phone, grab the two hundred dollar bills out, and try to hand it to him. "You keep it, Jay."

"Dad," I whine.

"You can use it for gas money," he suggests.

I didn't think about that. I do need gas money. I still have half a tank left, but it won't last long, especially with me having to travel back and forth to school now. "Did you talk to mom?"

"Yes. She is um," he puts his hand into his pockets and looks away from me. He looks back at me. "She'll be home soon." He says.

"Uh, okay. Well, I'm going to go get ready for bed."

He places his hand on my shoulder. "Alright, well, I'll be down here, catching up on some law and order." His favorite TV show.

"Okay." I walk away past him and go upstairs to my room. I take off my clothes and hop into the shower.

After I get out of the shower, I slip into my nightclothes, red shorts, and my white T-shirt. I need to call Travis. I grab my phone and dial his number; it rings and rings and rings. He doesn't pick up. I'm glad. I toss my phone onto the bed. I kind of wish he would've answered. I need to give him his money tomorrow, of course, now we will have to meet at a different time. Maybe he'll meet me after school. I grab my notebook off my desk and sit back on my bed.

I take the top off my pen and start to write.

Well, something good happened today. That is, if you want to consider getting fingered in a car, good. It felt good, physically. It was unlike anything I imagined. I'm surprised I let Caleb do it. I was scared because I thought it would hurt, which it did but not that much, and two, I didn't know if I could trust him. I didn't think he really wanted me; I thought maybe he was using me, just like he uses other girls. That's what his friend India made it seem like. I just didn't want to get hurt. I mean, we weren't going to have sex or anything, but that was my first time doing something like that. It only took me seventeen years to get to first base with a boy. Would that be considered first or second base?

Oh well, whatever, anyway, I feel bad about it now. I got caught up in the moment, and I let it happen when it should've never happened. Now Caleb likes me even more; that wasn't the plan; I was just supposed to get closure and move on. I should have never gone with him to the drive-in theater. I was supposed to draw back from him. Let him go. It wouldn't feel right to kill myself and leave him. I will crush him, I will hurt him, and the last thing I want to do is be another cause of his pain.

If Travis had never texted me, I would've told him right then and there, in the car, that I didn't want to do this. I would've lied to him and made up some excuse without giving him the details. I would've felt awful about lying to him, but I mean, what was I going to say.

'You're Not Enough'

How could I tell him that he's not enough for me? That he isn't enough for me to want to live. And that nothing, not even him, is enough for me. I mean, it's the truth, but it's cruel. I like being around Caleb, I do. I like how I feel when I'm around him. I feel better. I forget about all my worries and problems when I'm with him. I love how it feels when he kisses me when he touches me. But when I'm away from him, I'm back to reality. I can't be around him twenty-four-seven, and I don't want my happiness to be solely based on him.

What if something happens to him? Where would I be?

I will be right back to how I was, cutting, depressed, and wanting to die. That's why I have chosen to give up. I was happy about NYU, and that was taken away from me. I allowed myself to be happy for one second, and then bam, the universe took away the one thing that actually made me happy away. I could go to another college. I'm sure there are plenty of others with great writing programs, but I don't want to go to any of them; I'll never be happy no matter where I am.

The truth is happiness comes from what's around us; if you take those things away, what are you left with?

When I came into the house, my dad asked me if I had fun. Of course, I spared him the details. I'm sure he wouldn't like to know that Caleb gave me my first orgasm.

I cringe at the thought.

I still can't believe I did that— me. I wonder how my dad would feel if he knew what happened? Would he be mad? I mean, I didn't have sex or anything, but I had my first ever small intimate moment with a boy. It could have lead to sex, but I'm never losing my virginity. Being physically and emotionally attached to someone like that, no thanks.

My dad...well, my mom too, they never had the "sex talk" with me. Usually, that would be the conversation parents have right before they enter high school. But being as though my parents weren't around that much for my high school years, they missed the chance. It would be awkward if they sat down and talked to me about sex now. I'm too old, I already know what sex is, I know how it works, I know what happens if you don't use protection. I know everything; I took sex ed in the tenth grade. So having that conversation now would be pointless. I do have a couple of personal questions; I didn't quite feel comfortable asking my teacher. I would've asked my mother if she was around.

I look up from my notebook and then look back down.

Oh yeah, let me not forget to mention my mom has been MIA all day! She hasn't texted me back or called. My dad said he heard from her, but I don't know whether to believe him or not; he looked all suspicious and nervous when I asked him. I know somethings up. Maybe they're fighting again. My mom was pretty upset when she saw that dad had gotten me a car. Upset isn't even the word. She was enraged. They could barely look at one another at dinner. I can't help but feel like her anger is fueling from more than just my dad buying me a car. I can see my mom being mad about it but not this mad as I stated before; I'm on a quest to get closure for everything. So tomorrow, I will march downstairs and demand my dad to tell me what's really going on.

I close my notebook, sit it on the nightstand, and then turn off the light.

I turn my phone on do not disturb, even though no one will disturb me.

I place it under my pillow and fall off to sleep.

...

There's a warm touch on my arm. I open my eyes and turn over, "Mom." I groan. I blink a few times, trying to get my vision clearer.

"Hey, baby," she says softly. She pushes my hair back out of my face.

"What's wrong?" I ask. I wipe the cole out of my eyes so I can get a better look at her face. Once my eyes are clear, I see the bags under her eyes, and her eyes are red. Her hair is messy, which is unusual; she never wears her hair out. She doesn't look like herself. "Are you okay?" I lift off the bed, worried.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I just... I have to go..." she says.

"Go where?"

"I have to go out to California. The trail starts in two weeks."

"Wait. What? I thought you weren't leaving until the week of the trail?" She stated earlier this month that she would be gone for a while because of her case, but she said she was going to leave the week of the trial, not two weeks before.

She runs her hands through her hair and closes her eyes. She opens them, and now they are filled with tears. "I have to go," she says. She gets up off of my bed.

"Wait, mom. Is this because of the car? I don't want it; I don't need it. If you don't want me..."

She turns around and puts her hand on my cheek. "No, baby, it's not because of the car. I love it; I'm happy that you have it, honestly."

"Then why are you leaving me?" I ask. Warm tears are falling from my eyes now.

"I'm not leaving you, Jayda; I'll be back."

"But...but I have a competition Friday; you and dad said you would be there for my first robotics competition." I could really care less about the competition, that's just the only thing I could think of.

"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you soon, I promise," she says.

"But,"

"I'll see you when I get back," she says. She pulls me to her and kisses me on the forehead. She forces a smile. Listen to your father, okay?

I nod my head. She walks towards the door and looks at me one more time before turning away and descending down the stairs.