When I walk up to the door, Violet burst into laughter.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

"Nothing," she says, trying to conceal the rest of her laughter.

I roll my eyes and playfully shake my head. I bend down, grabbing the key from under that mat, and unlock the door. She steps in first. "Wow, your house is beautiful." Her eyes scan over the house.

"Thanks." I've lived here all my life. I don't think I've ever even stopped to take in how beautiful it actually is.

"My room is upstairs." I walk in front of her and lead her up the stairs. When I open the door to my room, her eyes examine it also.

I do also, making sure I didn't leave anything out, no pills, no coke, no bloody razor. It looks good. "Ok, I have to go talk to my dad real quick. I'll be back. Just make yourself comfortable." I instruct

"Can I take a shower?" She asks.

"Oh yeah, the bathroom is there." I point to it and walk over to my closet to grab one of my clean towels. Once I do, I hand it to her. "Just put it in the hamper when you finish."

I know he heard me come in. I expected him to come out and yell at me for hanging up on him and coming home late. Maybe he came back home and got drunk and is too intoxicated to get up and yell at me. The light in his study is on. I can see it shining from under the door. I take a deep breath before opening the door.

He looks up from his computer. I stare straight at him, observing him. He isn't drunk. As far as I can tell, he's sober. So why didn't he call to figure out where I was then? "How long have you been home?" I ask him.

"About two hours," he states. So he left after I hung up on him. The game was about 2 hours. He's been home for a while. He knew I wasn't here, but yet he didn't call to figure out where I was.

I walk further into the room, "How come you didn't call?"

"I figured you were mad, which you had every means to be. I should've called, but I thought maybe you needed to cool down. So I let you." he states.

"Oh."

"Your mom is coming home tomorrow. She should be here In the morning."

I sigh in relief. I'm excited she's coming home.

My family doesn't work when everyone is separated. I can't handle my dad when it's just him and me. I can't handle my mom when it's just her and me.

Together though there's some sort of balance, together we all work.

I don't know if it is pretend or if it's real. Maybe they show their true colors when they are separated, and maybe because of me, they feel forced to act like something that they are not when we are together.

"Is your shower on?" He asks.

Oh yeah, that's why I came down here. "Yeah, um I meant to ask you earlier, but I forgot. My friend is upstairs. I was wondering if she could spend a night?"

"Friend?" He raises his eyebrow, curious.

Just the other day, I told him that I didn't have any friends, and now I am here telling him that one is upstairs. "Her name is Violet."

"Last name?"

Ugh, I hate when he does that; he always wants me to have rich friends who have powerful parents. That's why he's asking for her last name. If he doesn't recognize the last name, he'll know that she's just a regular girl. That comes from an ordinary family. "Holloway."

"Hmm never heard of them." He continues to type on his computer.

"So, she can stay?"

" Yes, it's fine."

I give him a quick fake smile before leaving the room.

.

" Soooo, who was that cute boy?" the wet headed girl says as she plops on my bed.

"His name is Caleb."

" Cute name. So how did you guys meet?"

"We just met today. He came into the diner, and then he walked over to me and started talking."

"And then he asked you on a date?" She has the biggest smile on her face.

"Yeah, something like that." I don't mention the deal we made.

"So, are you gonna go?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know yet." I told him I would go, but now I am second-guessing it.

"Do you wanna go?" she questions,

"Yeah...no...i don't know."

"Well, if you don't go. I will... he's cute."

"Uh, Liam?" I remind her of her boyfriend.

"Oh yeah. I forgot." She slaps her hand on her forehead.

We both laugh.

"Well, I know that James would gladly take him off your hands."

"Have you talked to him?" I've been meaning to ask her about him.

"Yeah, I called him before the game. He was at home. His eye is swollen." she states. "He had an ice pack on it, but he said he's doing okay." her voice is lower now. The mood in the room has changed. Both of us are still devastated by what happened, from what Ryder did.

"Let's call him," Violet suggests.

" Ok."

She clicks his name on the phone, and after a few rings, he answers. He is holding the ice pack Violet mentioned on his eye.

" Hey." Violet and I say at the same time.

" I know you bitches aren't having a fucking sleepover without me." He says.

"Well, at least your personality is still intact." I joke. "How are you?" I ask him

"I'm doing good, honestly," he says assuringly, and I believe him; he doesn't seem bothered by what happened. "It's just a black eye." he removes the ice pack from his right eye to show us.

"Jeez. Did principal Moore talk to you? What are they going to do? They didn't suspend him from the game. So are they going to suspend him from school at least?" Violet asks.

" Hell no, Ryder's ass will be in school Monday." he spits out. "You didn't really think that they were going to suspend him from the game. He's QB, not to mention his rich daddy funds the team. So if they cut him, his dad sure as hell will cut the funding."

We all shake our heads. Thinking the same thing. Rich people really can do whatever they want. They can hide anything they want, get whatever they want, just like my dad donated all that money to keep Ms. Moore quiet.

"Enough talk about him. I want to know why the hell I wasn't invited? This is something for the history books Jayda King, having a sleepover, I thought I would never live to see the day."

Me neither.

"It was really just a spur of the moment thing," I say.

"Well, you guys both can make it up to me by coming to the mall with me tomorrow and helping me pick out and outfit."

"What do you need an outfit for?" Violet asks, laughing.

" For my closet, of course," he says with sarcasm in his voice.

Violet is asleep. It's 3 in the morning, and I can't seem to fall asleep. I slowly get out of bed, making sure that I don't touch her so she doesn't wake up. I open my bathroom door and close it behind me. I open the drawer under the sink and grab my pills.

It's like no matter what I do. I still feel empty inside. I have friends now. If someone told me a month ago, I would actually call two people, my friends; I wouldn't have believed them.

My dad probably thinks it's a good thing that I have friends now. He probably thinks I'm healing, that I'm getting better, I'm not.

In this week alone, I've gotten things that I never thought I would ever have, things that I have never imagined myself having. Friends..a date... I think the universe is preparing me.

Preparing me for death. If I had died when I did, I wouldn't have done anything in my teenage life. My parent relationship wouldn't have survived. I feel like I'm getting even closer to my calling. Closer to death.

I've been in high school for four years and never have called anyone my friends. I've never been asked on a date and yet all in a matter of five days. Those things happened.

I know it's almost my time. I'm ready to embrace it.

I pretend every day that I'm okay. But on the inside, I'm dying.

The drugs help me keep going, they clear my head, so I can't feel anything. I can put on a smile for my parents; I can put on a smile for everyone around me.

At least I try.

I feel like no matter what, the pain will always show on the outside. Maybe people see it, but they're just scared to say something, or perhaps they're too consumed in their own lives to see what's in front of them.

My parents did.

They didn't even know I was struggling with depression until they found me on the floor drowning in my own blood. They didn't know I had a drug problem until later when the doctors told them. They mentioned doing a blood sample to make sure my blood wasn't infected from the razor I used to cut with. When the test came back, they found the drugs in my system.

My parents were shocked. They couldn't believe that their little precious, perfect daughter was a drug addict and a cutter.

I remember them telling the doctors that I seemed normal. They thought I was just an anti-social teen. But it was more than that.

I don't think they still fully understand what I go through. They know I have depression, but they don't fully understand what it means to have depression.

They think that it's just a quick fix problem. But it's not.

I mean, it can be fixed, but it takes a strong person to fight the suicidal thoughts and the dark days.

I am anything but strong.

It takes a strong person to fight the darkness and move towards the light.

In a way, I am pushing past the darkness and moving towards the light. When I reach the light, I'll be at peace.

That's all I want. Peace.

(Me too!)