I find myself pulling into the school's parking lot, even after I swore I wasn't going to show my face here. I came because Caleb forced me; he stayed over last night; it wouldn't have felt right for him to leave after our whole "I love you" moment. Plus, my father didn't come home, and I didn't want to be alone.

Everything still feels like a freaking dream; when he said, "I love you," it felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was like I was watching a romance movie on TV; that moment felt like a movie.

It could've been Nicolas Sparks movie moment, but there was no rain.

When I woke up beside him, I expected to feel different; I expected things to be different. But it wasn't. Everything felt pretty much the same. I don't know why I thought saying I love you would change our relationship's whole dynamic. Maybe I was overeating, thinking too deep into things like Ryder always says.

I told Caleb I wasn't going to school.

And then he specifically said I had to go if I wanted to "slay my demons." Quoting another one of his favorite shows.

He went on to state how this week is Championship week, and I had to go. I mean, who would want to miss Championship week? It's the most extravagant week of the school year, well, that is, next to the homecoming week. I wonder which people like more.

Well, by the looks of everyone outside, I would say championship week. There are kids everywhere, more kids than usual; I'm sure no one is going to skip school this week.

There are black and white balloons tied all over the school's parking lot. People are laughing and smiling. Some of the football team boys toss the football around on the school's front field; they're wearing their Knights Jerseys.

It's for superstition purposes. They believe, If they wear it all week up until the football game, they'll win; if they don't, they'll lose; if everyone wears it and yet one person doesn't, they'll lose.

It's pretty crazy, but everyone here is crazy, so.

I didn't want to come to school because I didn't want people to look at me like I was some freak or something. Then again, they already do, but I know the looks will be even worse because now people know where I really was and what's wrong with me. Well, at least they think they know what's going on in my head, but they don't.

Maybe people won't be talking about it; everyone looks distracted. Perhaps everyone's so hyped up about the Championship that they forgot about little old me.

I look around the parking lot, I don't see Ryder's car; I called him this morning, just after Caleb left, he didn't answer. I thought he would be at school, then again, he's always late; i'm sure he'll be here later.

I take a deep breath before hopping out of my car and closing the door behind me. I walk across the parking lot towards the steps. Picture hitting a button that slows down everything around you. That's how this moment is; as I walk up onto the curb, everyone looks and stares and whispers. The football stops being tossed across the field. They don't give me the usual mug or disgust look; today, it's the same look that I saw on Caleb's face last night. sympathy.

Well, at least some of them give me a sympathetic look; some look a little scared, others still shoot me that 'your pathetic' glare. I try to hold back the tears, but it's hard; I don't want to cry because people are whispering and looking at me. I want to cry because everyone knows they know about me, the cutting, the suicide attempt.

I hate that everyone knows the thing I am most ashamed of.

I tried my best to keep the truth buried deep where no one would find it. My parents lied to practically everyone they knew, just to keep the secret of my hospitalization. They'll be heated when they find out. When they ask how I won't even know what to tell them. I don't know-how. It wasn't Ryder, and I didn't tell anyone else.

I walk up the stairs and into the school. When I walk in, people also stop what they're doing and look at me as if I'm a car, and they're a deer frozen by headlights. I lower my head and walk down the hall, fast, to the nearest bathroom.

Just when I think I'm alone, someone says, "Oh, Jayda." I look up, and Violet is walking right over to me with her arms wide open. She embraces me in a tight hug; James is behind her. When she releases, James hugs me also.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Mhm,"

He lets go and then looks at me with that sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, we had no idea."

"How could you?"

"Why didn't you tell us?" Violet asks.

I shrug my shoulders. "I didn't want you guys to think I was weird."

"Honey, we knew you were weird even before we knew the truth," James says bluntly.

"James!" Violet snaps, scorning him.

"We still loved you, of course," he says, trying to make his words a little bit more delicate.

If it was anyone else, I most likely would've taken offense to what he said, but I know James means well. "It's fine."

"God," Violet scoff, "Ashely must feel like a freaking idiot right now."

"I don't think she does."

"What do you mean?" James asks, clearly confused.

"She's the one that told everyone!"

"She did!" James' eyes go wide at the scandal.

I nod my head. "Yesterday at the diner."

James and Violet both sake their head in disgust. "Wow, she really is an evil bitch," James states what all of us were thinking.

...

I toss my books into my locker and grab my notebook for english class. The bell hasn't rang yet, but I left out of my class early. We weren't doing anything; everyone just sat around talking about what they were going to wear on Friday to the game and some 'big' party that was happening before the game.

I couldn't take the self-centered talk anymore, so I just left; my teacher didn't mind; then again, I don't know, he wasn't paying attention, he probably didn't even see me leave.

I close my locker and then call Ryder again. He wasn't in first period, and I still haven't seen him. I'm getting a little worried. I wish Katie had her phone; she doesn't; she said she left it at Travis place. His voicemail picks up; I slip the phone back into my back pocket. If I don't see Ryder in English, I will leave during lunch and go to his house.

Mr.Brooks turns from down the hall, soon as he spots me, he smiles and says. "Good morning, Jayda."

"Hello," I greet him back.

"Soooo?" I look around; he drew out that word like he's expecting me to tell him something. "The class," he reminds me.

Crap, I forgot about the honors Literature class he wanted me to take. I didn't really think about it since we last discussed it, but I guess you know, it sounds fun.

"Do you still want to do it?" he asks. "I have to give Ms.Collins an answer today."

"I want to," What do I have to lose? I would rather be in a class with people who actually understand the depth of literature than in a class with people who don't give a shit about the masterpiece that is the written word.

He smiles, clearly pleased that I am going to take the class. "Great, I'll let Ms. Collins know now," he smiles and then walks down the hall. I turn the opposite way, and before I even take a step, he says, "Oh and Jayda,"

"Hm," I turn back around to face him.

"It was an honor to have you in my class,"

...

"So, we have to discuss the plans for Friday?" James says enthusiastically from across the lunch table.

"Mh," Violet holds out her and quickly chews her food so she can get her thought out. "After school I'm going to run home, get my clothes, and I'll come to your house to get ready,"

James nods his head, "Your coming, right?" he asks me.

"Uh,"

"Ugh, come on, it'll be fun," Violet says, trying to persuade me.

I tilt my head to the side, "I don't know," I wasn't planning on going.

James raises his eyebrow. "So your not planning on going to your boyfriend's championship game,"

My eyes go wide, but then they relax for a minute. I thought he was making a joke about Ryder, but then I realize he's talking about Caleb.

"Oh yeah, I forgot he was also playing," I didn't forget; I just didn't think I had to go.

I have to go. I'm somewhat obligated to go now that we're together, even though I so don't want to go. I guess that's part of being in a relationship, sacrifices.

"Well, you have to come," Violet tells me.

"Yeah," I laugh. "I guess I do,"

Thomas walks up to the table. "Hey guys," he takes a seat across from me beside Violet. Everyone greets him, he looks at me. "Hi, Jayda,"

I flash him a quick smile and greet him also.

"Have you seen Liam?" Violet asks him.

He shakes his head, "No, he said something about meeting with the counselor this morning."

"Who Ms.Rodriguez?" I blurt out, jumping into their conversation.

Thomas looks back at me and says, "Uhhh, no. Mr.Simms, Ms.Rodriguez isn't coming back until Friday," he informs me.

"Oh," I wish she was here; I'm anxious to learn what she found out. Though it must not be that serious if she felt I could wait until she got back. Knowing now, though, would bring me comfort.

I hate waiting.

I tune out of the new conversation that has started and scan the cafeteria. Ryder still isn't here. I called him again after he didn't show up for English. Of course, he didn't answer. I even texted him, and he still didn't respond; it's about forty-five minutes left at lunch. That's enough time for me to go to his house and see why the hell he's ignoring me. And also to check on Katie.

My eyes land on Jessica, sitting alone at one of the cafeteria tables; I forgot I had to talk to her, too; she wasn't in English.

She either skipped or just got here. Or she just got here from skipping.

"I'll uh, see you guys later; I have to go talk to Jessica," The all-flash me quick smiles; I know they're still a little irritated at the me and Jessica thing, but they don't say anything.

I walk across the cafeteria before I can reach Jessica; Ashley darts in front of me, "Have you seen Ryder?" she bluntly.

"No," I simply say,

"Well, when you see him, tell him his friends and girlfriend are looking for him," she says. "Oh, and do all of us a favor, stay away from him, especially this week," she says in a threatening tone. "You know the championships if we lose, everyone's going to blame it on you." she pauses and looks me up and down. "I'm sure you don't want that... not with the whole depression, suicide thing, no one wants you to kill yourself," she adds with a non-genuine smile.

"Then again, not all of us." She turns around and walks back over to the 'popular table.

I try to forget everything she just said, but the thought of everyone blaming me if they lose ways heavily in my mind. I suppress the thought and continue across the cafeteria to where Jessica is. "Hey," I greet her when I get closer and take a seat in front of her.

"Hey," she says softly. Her loose curled hair is in a tight bun on the top of her head; usually, it hangs down, covering her face. I can now see the helix piercing that was hidden under her brown loose curled hair.

"So, I uh actually have to run home real quick, but I wanted to hear about the project first,"

"Oh, Uhm, sure." she reaches in her camouflage Bag, pulls out a white folder, and then hands it to me.

I smile as I take it out of her hands. When I open the folder, the first two words stick out like a sore thumb 'Mental Illness' I continue to read on.

Create a statics chart about Mental Illness

A board about Mental Illness

Interview people about mental illness

Jayda tells her story about suffering from mental illness.

A tear falls on the paper; I didn't even know I was crying. I look up from the folder and at Jessica, "What is this?" I ask her.

"It's the project," she says. "Well, so idea's"

I place the folder back on the table. "Your idea was mental illness, for me to talk about it."

"I thought-"

"What?! You thought I would be on board to discuss this with everyone," I can feel the vein-popping from the side of my neck, my fist bawl tightly under the table. " You want me to tell my story," I say, precisely what's on the paper. "So, I can make a fool of myself!" I narrow my eyes, "It's one thing for everyone to know its another thing for me to talk about it with everyone,"

"That's not what I-"

"You know what," I stand up from the table. "I don't think this is going to work," I turn away from the table and walk straight out of the cafeteria.

I can't believe she did that; she really thought I would do a whole project about mental health. I can't talk about it, how could I? My school is filled with pampered, shallow, selfish kids. They'll never understand or grasp the depth of something serious as that. I won't stand in front of everyone and make a fool of myself, sharing something with them that they won't give a fuck about.

I continue down the hallway and towards the main doors; once I open them, I spot Ryder across the parking lot searching through the back of his trunk. I walk down the stairs and across the lot; my feet move slowly and quietly across the pavement. He doesn't hear me coming up; it looks like he's in a bag. I can't tell what is in the bag. His body is in front of it because his body is blocking the view. "Hey," I say; he turns around wide-eyed, clearly startled by my presence; I wanted him to be surprised so he'd move out the way. Now I can see celery what's in the bag...it's money, a lot of money. "What is that?" I ask, its money, I know, so I should've asked what he's doing with that?

Instead of responding, he turns around and closes the trunk. He tries to walk away from me, but I grab his arm, trying to keep him from walking, a gesture he always does to me. He turns around willingly; if he really wanted to walk away, he would've. "Why do you have that?" I ask.

He sighs and says, "It's for something,"

"Okay, for what?" he stares at me; he looks like he is about to tell a lie, "Don't lie!" I say, before he has a chance to make up something, I feel like a hypocrite telling him not to lie when I lie all the time.

"I'm handling everything," he says vaguely, giving me a bit more insight.

I laugh, "So what you're using that money to buy Katie a house," It was a lot of money in that bag, enough to buy a house. If I had to guess, I would say almost ten thousand dollars, maybe more. He doesn't smile or laugh; his lips stay pressed together.

"No, I'm handling it a... different way." He still doesn't say what the way is.

"Ryder." I snap. "I need to know what's going on; where did you get that money? And why do you need it?"

"Fuck, it's for Travis," he yells, finally breaking; I knew if I kept asking him, he would.

"W-what do you mean, it's for Travis?" I stammer.

He runs his hands through his hair. "Just trust me," he says with pleading eyes, begging me to trust him.

"I don't know if I can," I said that to be nice; I will never trust Ryder; I don't trust anyone really, but Caleb, and I'm still learning how to do that; its working progress.

I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

Ryder has a pattern of breaking my trust.

"Well, you'll just have to!" He turns around, clearly frustrated, and walks away from me.

...

I don't know why Ryder had that money for Travis. I don't know where he got it from. Is it even his? Did he take it from someone?

No, that's pretty stupid; Ryder's many things, but I don't think he's a theft.

I turn my car left down the familiar street. I am about to do a dumb thing, a really dumb thing. I pull up in front of the familiar warehouse; my body freezes in the seat.

Ryder said the money was for Travis, which means that they've been in contact. I don't know when though, I have a feeling Katie left out some things in her story, and Ryder withheld vital information from me.

All I know is Ryder plans on giving that money to Travis, most likely to end all of this, to stop him from looking for Katie maybe. I don't know.

Either way, I should be okay with this? I mean, if Ryder wants to give all that money to him, just to end all of this, by all means, right?

No, not right.

God, why do I have to be so selfless? I lean my head on the steering wheel.

Travis won't stop; I know him; he'll just use Ryder. I'm sure Travis knows he's a Scott; he knows he comes from a wealthy family, and Travis... being Travis will use that to exploit him. I can't let that happen. God forbid Ryder refuses to give him more money; who knows what Travis will do.

That's why I'm doing this.

I hop out of my car and walk up towards the warehouse door. My knuckles string as I bang on the hard metal. I continue banging and banging until the metal door slides open. 

Travis squints as the sun shines on his face; his dirty blonde hair is everywhere. My eyes land on the stubble on his chin. "Well, well, well," he tilts his head to the side.

"What deal did you make with Ryder?" I ask, getting straight to the point; I don't want to be here longer than I need to.

"Deal?" He asks, faking scrunching his face in confusion.

"You know what the hell I'm talking about." I spit,

His eyes go wide, and he laughs right in my face, "Wow, I've never seen this Jayda before," This Jayda? "I bet he made you like this," referring to Ryder, I'm sure. "Actually, I bet his dick made you like this,"

"You couldn't be any more wrong," Of course, he would think the reason why I'm a little more confident in myself is because of a guy... because I possibly had sex with a guy.

I've heard people say before that sex changes you, well that it mostly changes the girl, especially if it's her first time. I never understood why? I don't ever want to find out why or how it'll change me.

I will never find out why, because I'm never having sex.

He shrugs his shoulder, "I really don't give a shit, anyway if you're here to save your boyfriend from being forever in debt to me," he sucks air in through his closed mouth. "Your a little too late," A smile shows between his pressed lips, "I guess Romeo didn't tell you everything,"

"What the hell is going on?" My insides are boiling, I thought I knew everything, but I don't. Ryder had the audacity to ask me to trust him, but yet he lied... again.

Did he? Can I even trust what Travis is saying?

He slides the warehouse door open more. "Come in, and I'll tell you," he says with a sly smirk.

I need to know the truth; if he even tells me the truth.

I look around outside, hoping someone sees me walking in. Just in case I do come back out.

There's no one around.

I take a deep breath and walk into the warehouse I told myself I would never come back to.