The date with Cameron had her tossing and turning all night.

He was the perfect gentleman. He bought her a hot dog at a local hot dog stand before driving her home, walking her all the way up the flight of stairs to her front door and he didn't even try to kiss her.

But Hannah just figured this was part of his game...he proclaimed, that he wouldn't kiss her unless she asked him to, and now it just felt like they were playing some kind of game. She didn't have to fend him off anymore...she got what she wanted, right? So why did it kind of bother her? Maybe deep down she was actually flattered by his somewhat slick moves? Simply because no one had ever been that straightforward before? No guy ever had the guts to come right out and say: "I want you"...not even Justin. 

Guys just wine and dine you and expect something in return, at least Cameron was honest about it. 

Justin was much more subtle. She met him during her senior year in College. He was a friend of a friend back then. Her friend introduced them and they started hanging out. They actually started off as friends, that's why Hannah thought it was a safe bet? They knew exactly what they got themselves into starting a relationship...she knew Justin hated spiders and that he loved green olives on his pepperoni pizza...he knew she was anxious about trying new things, and that she loved old black and white movies...she knew his bad habits...he knew hers, but they loved each other regardless. They loved each other in spite of all the annoying stuff, like Justin hogging the remote or Hannah leaving empty wrappers on the kitchen table...They still chose to be together. Until Justin got bored? Was he bored? Is that why he turned to Jen? Did he seduce Jen or did she seduce him?

It occurred to her how many questions she had, and no one was ever held accountable really...she literally let them off the hook by sweeping it all under the rug! Maid of honor for God's sake??

Who would even agree to that??

A pushover? 

Maybe this was all Hannah's fault? Maybe she brought this on herself, trying to behave correctly...doing the right thing...being so damn forgiving. 

"I need closure" she whispered into the empty dark space...it was almost 3 AM and she just couldn't sleep. She got up and made herself a cup of tea.

She needed to talk to Justin. She felt like she had a right to talk to Justin about all the shit that went down. SHE needed that and he owed it to her...he really did.

5 years.

They dated 5 years, and suddenly he was gone and she never dared to question why.

He used to kiss her a certain way...she craved that kiss. A kiss to make it all better...to make it all go away.

Saturday she texted Justin, he was playing tennis with a friend and he agreed to stop by afterwards.

So far so good.

For some reason she was running around like a crazy person, cleaning...making it all perfect! For his sake? Or to calm her own nerves...keeping busy.

And for some reason she worried about her clothes...she changed 4 times...she wanted to look good. For his sake? Or for her own sake...to make him see what he missed out on...?

The loud knock on the door made her cringe for some reason, was this a bad idea??

"Hi Hannah Banana, you look amazing" he said as he hugged her gently, and walked through to the living room.

He used to call her "Hannah Banana" as a sort of nickname and she wondered why he would say that now?

"Wow...it really looks different...I like it" he said and smiled as he sat down on the couch. She couldn't tell he had just been playing tennis, although his forehead was glistening. 

"So...what's up?" He said casually, but quickly got up..."Okay if I get a glass of water?" He didn't wait for her answer, but just went into the kitchen and came back with a tall glass of water. He knew where the glasses were, it occurred to her she hadn't moved them...they were still in the same cupboard, but she made a mental note to move them later.

"I just wanted to talk to you...after the wedding and everything...I just need to know some stuff...to move on I think" she felt nervous...confronting people wasn't her strong suit. 

"I enjoyed the show" he said, referring to the incident at the rehearsal dinner.

She was cupping her face and leaning forward...letting out a deep sigh.

She felt his hand on her back.

"Don't worry, no one has anything bad to say about you" he said..."it wasn't that bad...well maybe a little...but I get it...all the stuff we put you through...I told Jen it was a bad idea even inviting you to the wedding" she sat back up and looked him straight in the eye...

"You did?"

"Yes...I mean...had it been me I would have said no way...but I knew you wouldn't, that's just who you are...".

"True" she said, he was still able to predict her every move apparently!

"It wasn't the best day of my life...I'll admit that..." 

"No..." he said.

"Justin...I feel like I need to know what really happened...I feel stuck...like I can't move on...".

"Ask me anything...I owe you that much" he said, and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. 

"Why did you do that to me...? Why did you cheat on me?" She felt strong all of a sudden, it felt freeing asking him that particular question!

She could tell it made him a bit uncomfortable, but she no longer cared. She needed to know.

"Why did I do it?" He said, trying to buy some time it seemed.

"Just be honest...okay?" She said, although dreading his honesty! 

"Did I change?" She asked him.

"No...it's nothing like that...Hannah you have always been...well...Hannah...what you see is what you get...I knew who you were, and I knew who you'd become..." he said, looking almost sad.

"What do you mean??" She was on her guard.

"Well...it's hard to explain...it's like you don't want to change...and that can be a good thing, I guess...But you are so stuck on your ideals and set in your ways...there is no room for spontaneity...no room for being impulsive...I knew exactly what my life was going to be like..." he said, contemplating his words rather carefully it seemed, like he had really thought about what to say...if she ever decided to ask him. 

"I'm surprise you even called me now...I mean, I expected you to just put a lid on it and get on with it, like you always do..." he continued.

"Is that how you see me? Predictable? Boring?" She was annoyed...

"Not boring Hannah...but predictable...yes. I guess - I realized - I wanted something different, and I am sorry I didn't just end it, instead of doing stuff behind your back...I know I hurt you...I am truly sorry for that...but I wasn't happy anymore...I just wasn't." 

"So Jen is exciting and fun and impulsive...that's why you fell for her...did you start this?"

And by "this"...she meant the affair. 

"Honestly?...

She nodded, she wanted him to be honest.

"Yes...I did...Jen was reluctant at first...you guys being friends and everything...but we fell in love Hannah...".

"Because I am boring!"

He shook his head.

"NO Hannah...I did something wrong, not you...you are who you are, and I guess I just changed".

"And I didn't..." she started crying.

"Basically yeah...you didn't...don't cry okay...it is what it is...you should move on Hannah, find someone like you and live happily ever after, that's what you always wanted, right?"

"You are a fucking idiot!" She screamed..."Like I can't change...? Like I never changed...?"

His words stung her like a thousand bees and she felt faint. 

"It's just you seem to have this fairy tale outlook on life...and love. Like you have to find that soulmate...and you thought that was me, and now you are holding on to that dream, right?...because you don't want to be wrong? But ask yourself this Hannah...was it really true love? Did you really love me for me...or just the idea of me?"

"I did love you. But obviously you didn't love me! I believe in soulmates and I thought you were mine, that doesn't make me boring!...I loved in spite of all the bad stuff, cause that's what a relationship is...I'm not naive! I know nothing's perfect, I was willing to take the whole package!" She cried harder.

"You shouldn't settle either...if you really believe in the concept of a true soulmate why settle for second best...find someone perfect...I can't be that guy Hannah...you expect too much, or too little from people around you...do you even know who Hannah is?...Or are you still stuck on those childhood premonitions...maybe they are not real Hannah..." Justin said, looking at her almost begging her to agree with him, like he was trying to talk some sense into her.

Maybe he was right? Was she settling or was he just trying to relieve his own guilty conscience? Convincing her he wasn't the one.

"Hannah...lets stop this bickering okay? I was a jerk to you...This wasn't your fault, it was mine. I wasn't happy and I did the most cowardly thing ever...I cheated on you. You like to foresee what happens in your life...you like things to stay the same...There is nothing wrong with that...but I needed to breathe...I needed to see if life could be different...I changed my life around...I married Jen, who's more like me...I got a new job, and I like my life now...you should be happy too...you deserve it more than anyone. I really mean that!" She could tell he was being sincere, and his little speech did make an impact on her.

This was the perfect closure.

She hoped.