Those two days in the hospital have been quite fun honestly. I'd laugh my ass off every time I went to eat with Damon downstairs. He seems much softer now, more careful. He makes sure not to touch me even accidentally without my permission and I've been very thankful for it, I can't stand anyone touching me and I guess he knows it. But he didn't fail to make me smile anytime he had the chance too.

Thankfully I didn't have any scars on my body after Sebastian. Maybe a few on my back but the nurse said they will fade away. But my memories won't. I can't wash my face without the feeling of my face going underwater and his hand on the back of my neck, drowning me.
The police never put any charges against me, they classified it as self defense, because it was. Mostly.

Anyway, after those two days in the hospital, I could finally go home. To my own bed, my own shower and my own clothes. And Damon.
It was weird, if you ask me. I wanted Damon, I loved him and I wanted him to love me the same after everything I've been through. I didn't want him to see me as dirty or unworthy, like I see myself. But I see the way he looks at me, it's not the same. He looks at me like I'm a piece of glass that's broken but not shattered. And I hate it. I hate how he has to think about every word before saying it or how careful he is. I know it annoys him too, but he'll do it because he's understanding. I feel a big wall between us.
Maybe he doesn't want me the same after Sebastian touched me?
... maybe he's.. disgusted by me?

Soon Damon stopped the car outside the penthouse. I felt really bad with myself, I've been touched, I've been raped, forced and tortured. I felt like I didn't deserve it all, Damon, the penthouse, my good life. I'm just trash now.
I don't mind thinking like that about myself, but I'd die if Damon thought about me this way. All I want is him, my bed and his emerald eyes to look at me with the same light they used to have before Sebastian. It kills me.

We exited the elevator and Bruno came running towards us. I knelt down and petted and hugged him as he waved his tail enthusiastically.
There were some maids and Damon immediately dismissed them. They rushed out and he turned to me.
Oh no, is he going to break up with me? Tell me to leave? Tell me I'm not good enough anymore?
"Is something wrong?" He asked as he looked into my panicked eyes. I shook my head no but I didn't even convince myself. 
He took a step forward and only a step and then a step back.
"Look, I know it must be hard for you and I understand that. If you need anything, and I mean anything just go ahead and tell me, okay babe? I'm gonna go take a shower and I'll order something to eat. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
A breath of relief.
He's not breaking up with me.
Yet.
Shut up.
"Of course, I'm just gonna rest for a bit." I said with a quiet voice and he nodded before heading towards his bedroom. He stopped before the door and looked at me.
"Don't go anywhere." He said playfully and I smiled and nodded.
I was scared. Scared he'd leave me or think I'm not good enough anymore. I feel like an old, used toy people just throw away. It's awful.

I was scared to fall asleep. I laid in bed for 4 hours and I couldn't close my eyes. I was scared that when I close my eyes he'd be there, ready to do whatever he wants with me. I felt tired, exhausted even. I had a meeting with the psychologist tomorrow and now I'm gonna look like a zombie. I'm pretty sure I won't close my eyes. Every time I did it only resulted in nightmares and memories so, no thank you.
I wonder how long I can go without sleep...
Just go to sleep, idiot.
Yeah, that's not happening.

5am. I got out of bed and wrapped myself in a blanket. I made myself some chamomile tea before heading back to bed. Still couldn't sleep.

6am. If you drop soap on the floor is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

7am. I heard footsteps. Oh no, what if it's an intruder?! I quickly got up and and grabbed my lamp. I held it tightly and walked towards the door. I put my ear against it and listened. I heard some fidgeting and held my breath. Shit, somebody really is here.
When I heard the footsteps close, I quickly opened the doors and swung my lamp.
"What the fuck?" Damon held the back of his head.
"Damon?!" You're so fucking stupid, Natalie. Who else would be here? Why would anyone break into a heavily guarded freaking penthouse which belonged to Damon Queen himself?
"I'm so sorry, I just thought you were a burglar or an intruder." I said putting the lamp down and walking towards him.
"It's fine. What are you doing up so early anyway?" He asked and I noticed that he wore one of his casual suits and was ready to go out.
"I couldn't sleep." I said standing in front of him.
He frowned.
"Did you sleep like... at all?" He asked running his head. I looked down.
"Natalie.." he said kinda annoyed and surprised.
"I have a very important meeting this morning but I shouldn't be long. I'll be back around 9, I want you to get some sleep. Seriously Natalie, go to bed. Mr. Evans, your psychologist, will be here at 12. Go get some sleep before that." He said as he wanted to stroke my cheek but put his hand down halfway.
I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not asking, Natalie." He said in a dominating voice. I nodded my head gently. He stood there in silence for a minute or two.
"Can I kiss you?" He asked bluntly. I looked into his worried eyes.
"I hope your meeting goes well." I said before entering my bedroom and closing the doors.

******
Kisses from Germany!