Last night was weird, I didnt drink at all so I remembered every second from Vera and Ralph twerking on the pool table to Vera jumping in the lake with a bunch of other people. I was just glad to see her having fun. After talking to Henry he disappeared for the night and left me to soak in his words, what did I not know? I knew something was wrong and now thats all I can think about.

   When we got back into town I began to feel anxious when I thought about talking to Lucas but I knew I had to get this over with. With much disappointment when I got back to the house he wasnt even home and when I went to look for Jasmine she was napping so I decided not to wake her. I called him but there was no answer... a bit odd. Vera was still sleeping from a massive hangover with Ralph who we had to carry out cause he refused to get out of bed. I was a bit disappointed I missed all the fun.

   It was now the next morning, Sunday and Lucas was still no where to be found and thats when everyone started to get worried. "Where are you going?" Vera asked following me out the door.

   "I need to talk to Henry he knows something about Lucas." Theres now ignoring it now.

   "How do you know?"

   "He told me the other might when he was drunk Lucas was keeping secrets but I thought he was just talking out of his ass," I didnt drive so I would have to walk to Devdas which wasn't more then a 15 minute walk. 

   "I'm sure he's just with some friends," Vera dismissed me.

   "He wouldnt leave me hanging like that," I said uncomfortably leaving her in the driveway as I headed to Devdas.

   "Lucas is gone and I have a feeling you might have a hunch why," I said storming into back stage where I knew Henry slept.

   "He left Mar," he said sitting up in his bed. "He's on his way to Tampa Florida as we speak he asked for me not to tell you till after Veras party," I felt like a rug had been pulled under me and I was tumbling slowly towards the ground, unable to move or speak.

   "Why would he have you tell me?" This was really happening right now, someone I loved walking out of my life once again after he promised... he promised the world and just like that he took it.

   "He knows I care about you... I dont know the guy was all over the place like he had something to hide."

   I didnt know what I was hearing right now I shook my head as I felt my knees buckle up and my heart sink to darkness. "I dont understand," I murmured to myself sinking into the stool chair and starring at the ground my chest tightened, suddenly it was hard to breathe. "Everything was so good I thought..." what did I think? That we were any different? That I was actually the girl he'd want to spend all of his days with? I would be pathetic if I thought that. "I guess you got what you wanted huh?" I asked looking up at Henry who shook his head lightly.

   "We're friends... if anything I wanted him to prove me wrong."

   A few tears escaped my face I whipped them away instantly angry at myself for being angry. "I should go," I said standing up, I shouldn't be here.

   "You shouldn't," Henry said getting up and moving towards me. "You have had a shit couple of months are you sure you want to be alone?" He asked sincerely. "We dont even have to talk we can sit in silence if thats what you want." Thats not what I wanted.

   "I feel so stupid," I said grabbing at the back of my neck trying to hold myself together. I felt like everything was closing in on me, just when I let him in, just when I got comfortable he ran And I had no ides why... I could've ignored things between us, I could have been happy or at least not broken entirely. 

   "It wasnt you love, he wasnt ready to feel the things he was feelings he isnt ready to be the guy you need. He's got his own demons Marisol I dont know the guy much but I can see it."

   "I didnt need him to be anything for me he knew that he knew that we were family above all else," a simple break up would have been easier.

   "You did though, although you had his best interests he didnt want to drop his job, his friends at that bar."

   "You know?"

   "He told me everything before he left... that you'd be disappointed in him for lying to you that he could never forgive himself and that he didnt deserve a family..." Henry now was unable to look me in the eye he even started fiddling with a pick which is what he did when he was nervous.

   "He's using again isn't he?" It would be the only explanation.

   He nodded, "Big John kicked him out, he didnt quit like you asked him to he's been making a real mess of things even before the two of you got involved he just hid it better." I could be mad that Henry hadn't told me sooner but even if he had it would have ruined everything for Vera, for her family. When I go back home I will have to tell them their son left and is using again, he is alone and isnt coming back. How do I tell them that? 

   "I think I will stay but only for a little..." I said moving past Henry and throwing myself onto his made bed, surprisingly he was a tidy guy. "I feel like I'm going to throw up..."

   "Not on my bed please."

   "Jerk," I groaned rolling over and making space for Henry. "Would you think I was insane if I told you I knew this was going to happen? Not this exact thing this is more fucked...but I knew Lucas would run thats what he does. What sucks is that I'm so used to it, being left out, forgotten its all the same but we were supposed to be close you know? He could have came to me..."

   "You can't beat your self up about this it isnt your fault all you could do was love him and that wasn't enough." I didnt say anything for a second.

   "What do I do now?" I asked looking down at Henry who starred at the ceiling.

   "Whatever is best for him, for you."

   "I need to tell Jasmine, this will break her heart," I hated that I had to be the one. "Do you think he will come back?"

   "Oh yeah," he said confidently. "Lucas loves you I dont know if he ever told you but he told me and I guess thats why it all fucked me up. How could you love someone yet constantly hurt them?"

   "I dont know but it seems like that is how everyone loves these days," I said. "I'm just tired, tired of holding my tongue and I'm tired of letting people into my heart only to have them shred it... he didnt even leave a note," I swiped away the hot tears that ran down my face. "I should probably go now. See what Jasmine wants to do."

   "If you need anything I'm a call away," he pulled me into a hug and I used that moment to take in deep breathes, closing my eyes and taking comfort in his warmth.

..................................................................................................................................

   Telling a mother her son has left town on god know what kinds of pills isn't something you have to do often. I had to sit there and watch as she fell into her husbands arms as Vera clung to me her tears staining my shirt. I could almost feel their pain clawing at my heart, "Do we go after him?" Vera asked.

   "No," Lucas's father said brushing away Jasmins hair. "If he doesnt want to be here we cant force him anymore."

   Vera stood up looking down at her parents in disgust, "He needs us you guys know this isnt Lucas its just his way of asking for help-"

   "Enough," his voice filled the room and I couldn't do anything except look at my hands. "Your mother doesnt need this, we're too damn old," with that they both got up, Jasmine still whimpered softly as they made their way to the hall.

   Once they were gone Vera looked down at me, "We have to go get him."

   "And what? Miss weeks of school? Make your mom even more sad? If he doesnt want to be found, he wont be."

   "You're just angry," she said sitting next to me and holding my hand. "You know he needs us more then he knows."

   "What if he doesn't?" I asked looking up into her dark brown eyes. "What if leaving here helps him?"

   "Thats impossible."

   "Is it? Look how well leaving helped my dad, maybe we just make the sick worse," its not what she wanted to hear but I just didn't know what to think anymore. 

   "I'm going, Isabell, Erin and Ava we are all going if you dont come theres no way in hell he'd come back with us."

   I shook my head trying not to sink under the pressure, "I'm over it Vera I cant keep chasing something that isnt meant to be. I cant keep getting let down, can you understand that? If you want to chase him I'm not stopping you but you should look out for yourself."

   "He's my brother and he needs our help," she said chocking on her own tears, "So no I dont understand," with that she stood up and stomped off outside where Erin already waited in his car. Maybe they can bring him back and even if they did I wouldnt want to hear what he had to say. I couldnt live here either, my options were running low.

   Even though the last thing I wanted to do was go to school, I went only to find Dixie waiting for me. "What are you doing here?"

   "I know you're probably mad but I thought you could use a friend, young grasshopper," she teased.

   She looked genuine but I couldnt help but blame her a little bit, "You arnt a friend."

   "Lucas is a big boy," she said shoving her hands in her pants giving me her pouty eyes. "You know he talked about leaving for Tampa for a long time now, I just didn't think he'd actually do it."

   "You should have told me he was using again."

   "And what? What were you going to do? You were already dealing with your own shit the last thing you need to be doing is obsessing over Lucas so maybe I'm a bitch, maybe I encouraged Lucas to take the job but at least I dont hide from my problems, pick up and leave. You have to start looking out for yourself."

   "I am, Vera and the others went after him though."

   "And you're here," she cocked her head to the side, "He really broke ya didnt he."

   "No," I stood tall. "Like you said, I had to start looking out for myself and if you want to help me, there's a way."

   "Anything," she crossed her arms.

   "I need a place to crash."

   "You know I live with John and I know you dont like him," she eyed me.

   "There's not much places I can go," I shrugged, "Its only for a few weeks."

   "Sure," she smiled brightly. "It'll be like old times ay?"

   I mustered a fake smiled, "So can you get me after class?"

  "Yep now get to class," she gave me a wink, put her hood up and walked off. 

   It was either I stayed with her or my dad and well my dad was completely out of the equation. He's looking for houses down here but he didnt live here yet and there was no way I was going to switch schools. I knew Jasmine wasnt going to be happy about me leaving but she'd understand, I needed my space and if he was to come back he wouldnt want me around. Not when he finds out that I told everyone he's using again he wont trust me and thats something I'll have to live with.