Chapter 51

Confined Decisions

Edwin knew what would make Stella happy.

She'd always craved for a family.

She wanted children.

And I will get that for her.

Unfortunately though Stella wasn't fit enough to make babies but Edwin decided to adopt one and Iris was helping him with it.

After trying with multiple adoption centres and foster homes, they were left with nothing as they said it was against rules to give children to unstable families like his where Stella was unwell with a killer disease.

They tried surrogacy too but it was all in vain.

Finally he had given up on it and tried to materialize Stella's happiness with fresh flowers each day.

He'd buy her gifts, jewelry, dresses, movies and concert show tickets.

She too smiled happily enjoying every bit of it was all a pretend to make Edwin happy.

Edwin knew that very well

She was amazingly good in disguising her pain. She'd smile all the while.

It was only during her visit to the doctors that she'd admit that she had a sleepless night or an extremely painful day.

She did try to avoid taking Edwin to her appointments but he was stubborn enough.

Edwin didn't ever miss a chance of her company.

He did give her some time to herself by going to office which was now completely on mercy of the skilled staff that he had employed initially but recently his dad had joined in to work with him since he was now aware of what Edwin was going through.

How much so ever he tried to keep Stella happy Edwin always had a nagging feeling inside telling 'This is not enough'.

He did not get what it was though.

Having lost mom, his dad knew exactly what he was going through and he understood his short temper at work place, his failure in meeting deadlines.

"I am glad that you shifted here." Edwin told his dad "But why are you reluctant to share home with us?"

"I cant " his dad denied "I am a chicken in such situations and cannot see both my children, Stella and you suffering like this."

He was the best to understand because he too lost the love of his life against a disease though his turmoil was short lived as his mom passed away only three day after she was hospitalized with a major heart attack.

She got two repeated strokes while she was in hospital.

The final one taking her away.

"I had by Stella when mom died." Edwin was having heart to heart with his father "I have no idea how you survived. I am sorry" he apologised "Stella was the one who brought me out of that grief . I should have been with you too".

"Don't worry son" his dad wiped the stray tear "I had her mmeories. I lived a lifetime with her. I coped. You okay?"

"With deteriorating health conditions of Stella the hope of getting a better medication within a span of coming two years is also dying. " he admitted "I always wonder what driving force would create a will power in her to live...."

"what about chemo?" his father asked "isn't it a common treatment these days?'

"She still is a complete No.. No.. to chemo therapy and I do not want to force it to her"

"I guess you should support her with whatever she wants" his dad patted on his shoulders.

'''''''''''

Edwin returned home to find Iris and Stella chatting

Iris had been very supportive. She always gave Stella her company, made sure she fed herself properly, took care of her medicines and went for a movie or stroll with her. She even played board games with her.

And the press conference! It was a major hit. For months she was in limelight on front page on each and every magazine.

She answered each and every question very diplomatically and when the questions went beyond her privacy she sternly denied as "out of syllabus" adding a tinge of sarcasm to it.

But the way she treated every body humbly and answered endlessly to all their questions Edwin was awed at how she ended in all their good books.

She'd completely given up Hollywood.

Her father had invested quite a lot in other projects which were running quite well so she didn't have to bother about their economic security.

She had dedicated her life to two of her friends.

Edwin had noticed dark circles under her eyes. She too was restless and disturbed about something.

He had a feeling that she was holding something inside her but didn't push her giving her some privacy.

Maybe she was missing Ben!!!

Iris busied herself arranging some soup, some herbal stuff that someone guided her was good and a miracle for the disease.

Edwin went straight to the room.

He did it daily.

He loved to see Stella's face lighten up when she saw him at evenings.

Though she had even turned paler and weak but she still looked beautiful

My Stella.

She looked angelic as he entered the room and he felt ecstatic to watch her reading a magazine that she was so deeply engrossed in that she did not notice his arrival.

Her crystalline blue eyes were reading the topic sincerely.

Then her eyes rested at a page locked in something that she saw.

Aware of his presence, when a thud' noise from my bag being placed at the table informed that he was back home, she quickly closed the magazine, her face like that of a child being caught stealing a chocolate cookie.

"Hi" she mumbled flashing an artificial smile on her pink lips that were now dry and chapped, her sogged tears though invisible shouted their presence in her red puffy eyes.

Iris too joined soon with a bowl of soup and she too noticed glassy eyes of Stella.

"Everything alright?" Iris asked scared.

"No! why?" Stella answered in fake cheerful accent.

Iris looked at Edwin but he simply shrugged oblivion about Stella's hidden pain.

"I need restroom. Excuse me." Stella muttered and walked with her slow baby steps to the washroom. Her curvaceous body was fragile now and she had to put in a lot of effort to put it to work. She took whole five minutes to walk to the washroom as she snail walked at her arms length.

"She wasn't in pain today. Did she say what happened?' Iris asked concerned.

Edwin opened the magazine that Stella hid under the pillow of hers that she was resting and when he opened the page, Edwin knew exactly why she was upset.

Iris too peeped into the page where a woman was possessively holding her baby with lot of tender love in her eyes.

Hearing the unlatching of the door Edwin quickly hid the magazine back under the pillow.

Iris hastened out of the room before he could read expressions of her face.

Stella stirred her spoon playfully trying to open conversations about random things but Edwin was so lost in the picture that he was deafened to what she was saying.

Edwin now knew what was eating me inside 'that it is not enough'

He now knew what is not enough.

Stella is not happy.

She is only pretending to be.

The day he informed her of Ben's sincere love for Iris she backed up from her stupid plan to make him and Iris sleep but somewhere she'd backed up from the dream that she was living since the day she got pregnant for the first time.

Awareness dawned on him.

A baby, a child, a family is all she needs to be happy...

Doctors said that she is not convinced for a painful chemotherapy because she does not have appropriate reason to live.

He had talked to Stella earlier about the same

"Isn't my love enough a reason for you to live?" he asked

She shut his mouth "later or earlier Edwin," she said "my absence is gong to be equally painful to you but I do not want to live more." She choked "it hurts wondering about you and your wellbeing after I am gone."

Her dreadful answer silenced him.

He couldn't argue more.

Crying they hugged each other sleeping throughout the night in each others arms...

'''''''''''

Edwin walked out of the room and saw Iris waiting for him with same puffiness and redness in her sore eyes.

She stood erect and proud of what she was going to say as her shoulder stood straight and her dark eyes were looking straight into his hazels. "I am ready for it."

Iris went to her room digging her bags for the thing that she needed the most now.

Once getting it she went to the porch where she could be comfortable on her own.

She inhaled the swig and blew out the puff in circle, the burning sensation relieving the scorching pain that she had in the left hand corner of her chest.

One, two, three puffs and now she was ready for the go.

She had removed all the negatives inside her, all the doubts and was now prepared for the dare' that life had thrown upon her.

Ben's letter...

Why he made it right on time?...

What was missing in the puzzle?...

Were all answered.

Iris relished the last time she was taking in the poisonous soft stick that would be a complete no after the decision is sealed.

"I am ready" was the only thing Iris could tell Edwin when he came out.

She had a huge speech ready for him but all she could speak was 'I am ready' it was a tough decision to be taken.

But Iris had to go through a lot before she finally convinced herself of it.

"I know I will get a lot of things with it; a bundle of joy, a healthy friend, smile and happiness, responsibilities that would be more of a bless, family, reason to live.. and lot more the list is endless" she paused for breath "but what I am going to loose is the biggest loss ever. I hope I survive after that."

"Iris..." he murmured.

Iris could read his face; he was broken and torn inside.

He was guilty and cursed himself, blamed himself for not being able to meet Stella's wish- her final desire'.

"I want to. I really do." Iris looked directly into his eyes.

"You are stupid; an emotional wreck. You don't know what you are saying. Go take your time and think over it. May be you'll get senses." He said angrily.

Iris chuckled saying "How do you know what I am saying when I haven't even expressed my thoughts to you. I haven't yet disclosed what I am ready for" she spat desperately.

"I..Iri.." he stuttered.

"I know why because somewhere you were also thinking the same thing." Iris said clearly.

"It is not practical Iris." He dismissed her, "I cannot do it. I won't."

"Hell with practical Edwin. Just listen to me.....

Just once." Iris begged.

"You know I have been reading Ben's letter, no love letter every day, multiple numbers of times each day. Every time I read I felt there was a nagging feeling inside me.

I treasure that letter. I do not love him. I never loved him like he wanted me to and I would never be able to love him like the way even if he is gone."

"Its okay Iris." Edwin tried to comfort her "It will pass."

"no it wont" Iris was in hysteria "I love him I do but as a friend, I liked him, I respected him. Still I love to read his letter again and again. You wont understand how much painful it is to read that letter but still I do not bother about the stinging pain and tears that would follow next because.. It is like throwing myself into a pot of boiling water.

But I still long for the pain.

I was looking for the exact message it tried to convey ..." Iris stopped tears flowing and her heart constricting with the pain.

Edwin stepped forwarded to hug her but she stopped him saying, "I am not done as yet. You remember when Ben was taking his last breaths nestled in my laps. Had I known he won't survive, I wouldn't have let the paramedics take him away because I now realize when I recap the events each day in my visualizing brain what he wanted to say. He couldn't speak those words but the look and the movement of his lips said that he was proud dying while he was doing things that he loved to do." Iris broadened her shoulders "He loved his job and even more than that he loved me and he died for us. What a tribute to his own life!"

Edwin was all ears, "you needed to let this all out. Speak Iris I am listening."

Iris was on a roll "Don't you have that feeling 'that it is not enough' whenever you look at Stella or you do something for her?" she stopped looking at his expressions

His eyes bulged in size at her words as he stared with shocked expression looking like she stole his most secretive thoughts.

"You need not answer, I know you do. So do I have that feeling. I have to do something for someone I love and I cannot sit and watch." She threw her hands in the air "I have had enough in my platter. I have seen enough in my life and honestly I do not have any complaints. The people I love are satiated, safe and secure now I need to serve the one I love. I need to do what I believe I want to do." She was excited now "Yes! I want to do it." Iris said firmly.

"But Iris. I told you. I can't let you do it again and I promise I wont. Not over my dead body." He said stern and straight.

So this was it.

Iris had to do the toughest thing of her life.

She was confident that after those words left her mouth; her life would turn upside down.

She would loose every thing.

She was going to loose my biggest possession but she had to do it.

And I will do it.

"Then I have to say it. I have to admit it." Iris said pausing gulping the bile size of an orange in her throat, she finally confessed. It wasn't a normal romantic one, but what in her life was romantic even the person who loved her most expressed it in a most unromantic way on the day of his funeral.

Then why would she get an exception for the biggest confession of her life.

Unfortunately she knew that rejection was evitable and there was even worst to come.

She gathered all the courage that she could, stood straight and looked into his eyes.

Shamelessly she admitted "I love you."

"IRIS" he shouted getting the shock of his life. He clenched his fists tightly enough for her to observe the redness caused due to the stoppage of the flow of blood.

Shifting her gaze between his angered face and closed fists, praying not to get a violent blow from him.

Though he was a respectable gentleman who knew not to hurt a lady but she knew she was pushing him too hard pulling all the strings tight.

"I love you Edwin and sleeping with you now wouldn't be having sex with you for me."

His eyes red with fury now but she continued "It wouldn't be even making love because both of them have to be in consensus about it. So I am happy in making babies lovingly with you, even if it is a one night stand. For... I love you.."

'I love you, I love you I love you' Iris repeated in her head crying for my non reciprocated love and falling to the ground but was stopped midway as Stella sprinted towards her holding her tight hugging her as she cried and spoke "Thank you, thank you.thank you" again and again.

Both Iris and Edwin looked at each other but not intimately but with an expression of wonder.

Strength that Stella portrayed when she was weak and fragile lying on the bed, her sprint towards Iris had a new bound energy.

I had the approval of the thing in his eyes. He was ready for it...

Stella gave Iris a tight hug loosening it a bit adjusting a bit of space as she shouted "We do have room for you." to Edwin.

Edwin stepped forward for a group hug inhaling Stella's happy scent as he hid his face in her scanty hair now.

He was lost in her till he happened to touch Iris and his body stiffened all of a sudden.

~~~~~~~~~~

Iris was right when she said that she had taken a bigger step and she knew that she was loosing something for ever.

Their friendship

He pretended to hate her.

But couldn't stop loving her that came as naturally as breathing and he could not stop respecting her.

She knew even before she took that decision that we' as in mine and her friendship would be over.

Yet she did it.

That was heloved about her was that she did not do it because she sympathized Stella. She did it because she wanted to do it at a very big cost though...

That night was terrible.

He would never be able to describe it.

After all his efforts to have an artificial insemination done went futile with Stella demanding for a normal and less painful baby, he had only choice to do what he wasn't prepared for but for sake of Stella, for sake of Iris as she stated that "I am not doing it because I have sympathy for Stella. I am doing it for myself. Every part of air that I am inhaling that says I am still alive is a burden on me. I think I can only overcome it if I do what I was sent here for and I strongly believe that this is the RIGHTthing." She was determined "I know I have to pay a lot more than what I might assume but I am in for it. Atleast I won't loath myself to still being alive when so many people have lost their lives because of me."

Edwin tried to be soft and gentle and still do what both his girls wanted to but during the deed and after that he was not able to face Iris, he did not have the courage to look into her darks.

We both had lost each other. We had lost our most valuable possession....friendship.

Little did she know how much he needed that now!

But today the dark clouds had vanished and a colorful rainbow has taken them under the joy of its semicircle crowning them with its glory.

Stella is dancing in joy when Alex broke the news of a new arrival.

Alex was their helping hand again.

He was the one to guide them through, to make it sure that it only needed that one night to bring joy and happiness in their lives.

Though Edwin could never forgive himself to cheat Stella under same roof where she dismissed his guilt as if he was being stupid but with the little joy that it brought Edwin could die and come back alive to have it in his arms.

Stella was delighted with the news, she'd started eating well.

Her medications that were so difficult to be fed earlier was gulped by her without any compelling.

Today was miraculous when she touched small bulge of Iris's belly.

She made Edwin also touch her belly.

God bless

Edwin did not have the courage to look into Iris's eyes after the night they slept together, touching or talking to her was a moral crime....

But now what I felt was euphoric!

Only if words could describe that immortal feeling!

Till today after the treacherous night that Iris said was the best night of her life though there were no exchange of pleasantries, neither did they kiss.

It was completely mechanical on Edwin's part.

He maintained distance from her, never touching her.

Today after 5 months Edwin was touching her.

He was actually feeling his child inside her.

He could feel a bit of movement inside her small belly as if a tiny earthworm simply slipped under his hand.

Edwin's hands then reached to prick at the tickling sensation on his face.

It was when the skin of my finger touched his cheeks, he realised that there was hot liquid flowing:- tears of joy.

Stella had cried in joy when she saw the sonographic picture of the baby for the first time that looked more like a jelly bean two months back.

But today was magic she came to Edwin after some time, held his handand lifted him from the dining table.

He threw the half toast in his mouth on the table worried that she was having another stroke of pain but the shine in her eyes said otherwise "I want to go for chemotherapy"

Edwin simply looked at her in awe.

She was smiling brightly.

Iris who was munching her bowl of cornflakes dropped the bowl and reached hugging her but maintaining a short place between Stella and her belly.

Stella gesticulated Edwin to join in but he had other things running in his head.

Edwin rushed to his room, pressed his back to the door that was now closed and let the tears flow generously.

He had the strong urge to go to Iris and confess that I was dying to talk to her.

He wanted to thank her, to tell her that she wasn't nurturing one life inside her, she in fact had gifted life to two more people him and my Stella but the guilt in his heart overcame his Words and he kept them to himself.

With shivering hands he dialled to get an appointment for Hillary and inform him and beg him to start the treatment as soon as possible.

Edwin wiped the tears and reached both the girls sharing their girly talks.

"I am so happy. I cannot explain you how I felt when I could really feel that little cherub inside you. I want more Iris I want more" Stella said excitedly while Iris was grinning from ear to ear.

I" want to hold that little baby in my arms, I want to feel its soft and subtle hands, see the color of the baby's eyes. I want him to observe him wet his panties and I want to change his diapers. I would love to stay awake whole night to cuddle the baby to sleep. I want to see that full-grown belly of yours. I also want to see the first look of baby, which is covered with blood, a kind of angel from heavens who has been fighting with the doom." She was rambling with joy

"I want to give my finger to the little thing and love to feel his grip oftiny palms around them. Iris I want to live..." Stella chirped excitedly letting the tears of joy flow.

Iris too looked at her with appreciation feeling proud, happy and ecstatic what a mere touch can do to you....