Chapter Fifteen

A F T E R

Monday, June 22th

As I watch Ruby shakily place a mug of steaming coffee down onto my desk, I can't help but notice her knuckles are deathly white, as are her cheeks. In fact she looks like someones pulled a sheet over her. Eyes sullen, slightly red. She looks like crap.

When I gently tap her shoulder, she jumps out her skin and holds her chest.

"Hey, you alright?"

Ruby peers down at her own mug, fiddles with the handle. "Uh, yeah. Fine."

"I don't mean to be rude but you seem, a little off today?" I whisper so Millie won't hear. "In the meeting earlier you were very quiet, is something wrong?"

"Just don't feel well," she replies, quiet as a mouse. Hands still shaking, her nail varnish completely chipped. She's been biting at them again. She's fooling no one.

"Like sick? Is it the flu? It's not food poisoning is it?"

Shaking her head back, she sighs and rubs at her eyes. "No, no. It's not that. I just feel crappy."

I push over a square of chocolate left in the wrapper I've been working my way through all morning. When she doesn't accept I know something is definitely wrong. Ruby likes chocolate almost as much as I like making bad decisions.

"Come on, you can tell me," I assure her.

When she crosses over her fingers to make a T, I take this a signal to retreat to the kitchen but when we both leave our desks, she pulls me towards the glass doors.

"Toilets," she whispers, gesturing towards the hall. Head still low. Face deathly pale and translucent.

Inside the safety of the women's loo's, I rest my hip against the sink and ask again just why she's on the verge of tears.

"It's Joel. About me and Joel," she mumbles, the edges of her usually perfectly applied eyeliner lop sided, smudged. "Something happened at the weekend."

She doesn't need to say much more for me to picture strangling Joel with my bare hands.

"What has he done?" I ask, my voice immediately angry, on edge. I make a vow to troll his Twitter account with all the vitriol I can muster if he's done what I think he has.

If he's dumped her because he didn't enjoy their 'weekend' together, I will find him and give him a proper verbal beating, with all the heinous words I can think of, and I will never ever listen to any of his bands stupid songs again. Mark my words.

"He's done nothing, nothing," she repeats, tears forming. "We just had an accident. Oh god I don't even know why I'm telling you this."

"Telling me what? Just tell me," I say this a little more rudely than I'd planned to, and Ruby looks up, like she's even more afraid. "Sorry, sorry. You're just scaring me."

Once she's calmed down her breathing, and can look me in the eye she finally explains, in perhaps a little more detail than necessary.

"Well he spent the night at mine, after I cooked us dinner. And it was great. Like everything went to plan and it was amazing. We... well we had you know," she sighs, like she's caught up in remembering a brilliant dream, till it's snatched away. "And so he stayed for the rest of the weekend. I mean honestly we didn't even get out of bed, which is crazy but we didn't and then last night we were..."

"Yeah, okay I get it. You were in bed, together," I say, wishing she'd get to the point. Spare me the details.

Ruby nods. "Ok so we were, doing... stuff and after I noticed that something was wrong."

"What?" I'm at my wits end trying to unravel the cryptical choice of her words. "How could anything have gone wrong?"

"The condom broke."

My hand reaches for the hard edge of the sink. I really was not expecting that. Slowly I back track on my plans to completely annihilate poor Joel, put them on hold. "Oh shit."

Ruby's blushing, though she needn't. "And because it was late, I had no idea what to do. I don't think he noticed."

Somehow I find this hard to believe but I give him the benefit of the doubt. "Right, so what now? I mean are you on the Pill?"

"Not anymore. I was but it gave me really bad headaches and spots and so I stopped, but now I really wish I hadn't, oh god," she cries. "I'm freaking out."

Giving her a quick hug, because she's really tearing up, I tell her not to worry. That these things can be worked out. Namely I suggest she book an appointment at the nearest clinic. Right away.

"I already have. Going this afternoon. Told Norine I've got a dentists appointment," Ruby sniffs, wiping her nose on the back of her cardigan. I'd congratulate her for being so smart if it didn't feel like the wrong time too. Though she's clearly got her head screwed on properly. Doing the right thing.

"That's good. They'll help. Give you the morning after pill. Honestly you'll be fine," I don't tell her that I'm speaking from experience.

"I've just never been before," she confesses, which I'm glad to hear. "I don't know what to say, what do you do? Just walk in and explain?"

"Pretty much. It happens everyday for them. You're not the only one," I assure her. "And you'll be in and out. Takes ten minutes if that."

Ruby raises a brow. "Really? Won't they ask loads of questions?"

I want to tell her I'm not some expert, even if I have visited a couple of times before, back in my wild, slightly lax about sex early twenties but she keeps looking at me like a lost puppy, and I cave in.

"They will but it's fine. You honestly shouldn't be getting so worked up over it, though I know right now it might seem like the end of the world," I sigh, pulling back the hair that's gotten caught in her hoop earrings. Because she's been crying so much, shaky hands fiddling with them.

"But what if it is?" she says, cries turning into whispers."What if I'm pregnant?"

"You're not. It doesn't happen that quickly."

"You don't know that." She's right but still I try and tell her that there's a pretty high percentage, one that works in her favour that she isn't.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I ask, sensing she'll need some moral support.

Ruby hesitates. "I don't want to drag you all the way there. This isn't your problem."

"Doesn't mean I can't be there, as a friend."

"You want to come? Really?" her expression says she doesn't believe me.

"Get's me out of work for the afternoon," I joke, trying to lift the mood. "And we can get some late lunch after, if you want?"

Finally Ruby nods, and I pass her a heap of paper towels to sort out her face. Waiting with her till she's breathing normally, a small smile back on her lips as I crack jokes about what Norine's reactions going to be when I tell her I've got a last minute doctors appointment.

In her office, as I poke my head inside I can hear a familiar voice, male, deep. She's got youtube up on her computer screen, and Fisher Scott is sat on a stool, against a white backdrop, camera's lit up behind. He's talking to the camera with his hands clasped, shirt off. Hair in a quiff. It's for some behind the scenes promo, for his new cologne advertisement.

Norine's totally enthralled and when I repeat my gentle knock against her door, she snatches the mouse away and closes the page. Her cheeks real pink.

"Sorry I didn't hear you come in," she mumbles, smoothing down her red blazer. Legs tucked back under her desk.

"It's fine," I say, my tone so cheery I could be a children's TV presenter. "Just stopping by quickly to let you know I've got a last minute doctors appointment."

"Right, and?"

"Well it's such a pain, it's for a smear test," I say slowly, pulling back my lips, neck stretching down. Like I really don't want to be saying it, like someone's going to have to drag me there. "Really could do without it, and it's all the way over in Clerkenwell..."

Norine catches my drift. Raises her hand, to stop me from babbling further. Because she understands, doesn't need anymore details. Sometimes working in an all women environment can be a real blessing. Especially during a crisis, such as this, or so Ruby calls it, all the way out of the office to the tube and back out again when we come to the small clinic's inconspicuous entrance.

Inside the small waiting room, I stand by as Ruby confirms her name and a few medical details of which she relays so quietly the cherub faced women behind the reception has to ask her to speak up.

"That was so embarrassing," she sighs when we finally take a seat, towards the back by all the informational leaflets, about condoms and STI's, of which I can pronounce only two.

"You'll be absolutely fine, really," I keep telling her, as her knees bounce up and down, eyes glued to the small TV in the corner, repeats of Jeremy Kyle playing over and over. Which I think is possibly the poorest choice one could think to broadcast while sat at a clinic. Life choices out on display for all to see.

"Do you think they'll ask me about Joel?" Ruby asks, as we're kept waiting. A delay because one of the clinic staff has come back late from lunch.

I quietly chuckle. "They're not going to ask you about all the things you did, they don't need to know the specifics."

"Okay, good."

As we're told by the friendly cherub lady that it'll only be another ten minutes or so wait, I pick up one of the magazines from the rack, to take my mind off being here. Because it all smells too sterile, like someone's mopped the floors with saline. And it's hot and stuffy. A babies crying in a pram, and it hasn't stopped since our arrival. And there's a toddler spinning hard wooden blocks down by it's mother's feet. Dummy thrown to the floor to pick up dust, and germs.

To the side under a row of chairs, half disguised by a shiner piece of skirting board is the faint outline of the word murderers in what once may have been red spray paint.

It brings back the memory of our the walk to the clinic, and Ruby's worry about being confronted and hassled by the protesters she's seen in the news and read about. The one's who carry big, misleading placards and peddle out false information without any regard for facts or science or freedom over ones body.

I told her not to worry of course, and that should we bet met with any such nonsense I'll chaperone her in swiftly before returning to give them a piece of my mind.

And as we sit in the waiting room I try very hard not to judge anyone sitting near us because that would be so very hypocritical of me. Though I do wonder why they are all here. Out of curiosity.

It is some small blessing that I'm not here for myself, which actually is a complete relief. Like I'm doing this whole sensible woman who still enjoys casual sex thing right. Somehow. Probably by the skin of my teeth. Luck still working in my favour.

Which I'm sure it is - a combination of sheer luck, and timing and my resilience to now always use protection no matter the person or situation. I believe that's why I've not ended up in here, peeing into a cup, life flashing before my eyes, hoping not to see a thin blue line appear on a plastic stick.

So far it's working - being sensible, even if I have been so bloody reckless with everything and everyone else.

Like Jack who I have narrowly avoided for most of the morning. Ignoring text messages by switching off my phone. To keep me from replying. It might not be nice but I don't have time to deal with it. Not when there's a new email from Dylan waiting in my inbox. I haven't opened it because I almost don't feel like I deserve too. Saturday morning spent with my legs wrapped round Jack, leading me to believe that I am a shit person, with bad morals.

At least Ruby doesn't seem to think so. She's so very thankful when I keep vigil outside, as she trails off to the private room with a friendly looking nurse. When she returns she's got more of a smile on her face, and colour in her cheeks.

I nod along as the nurse quietly walks her through the piece of paper with all the details she needs, like how it's normal to feel a bit nauseous after taking the morning after pill. That she might not feel that hungry but that she'll be fine because she's taken it so soon after the little mishap - which are her words, not mine.

This seems to give Ruby more assurance, and as I take a handful of free condoms from the bowl by reception, to stuff them into her bag, she laughs. For the first time all day. The sound of it is a relief.

And she continues to giggle, and laugh when we take a seat inside an American themed diner, on the corner of a busy road. Miles away from the office.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, even amongst the cheery smiles, the giggling. Just to be sure.

Ruby sighs, eyebrows lifting up. "Okay actually. I feel good, relieved. Much better than before. I'm supposed to be seeing Joel tonight, and I really thought I'd be too much of a mess but I'm not."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"About what?"

In hushed tones I say. "The clinic, what you happened today?"

Ruby acts like I've asked a question in Chinese. "Why would I?"

"Because you shouldn't always have to bare the burden, it's as much his responsibility as it is yours although I know he's not the one that could end up pregnant, but still."

Her reaction is one I'm familiar with. It's the same expression I would have given at her age - smitten with an older boy, enjoying sex properly for the first time, not wanting anything to ruin it. How the slightest dose of big-time-reality, like today might scare him off.

I want to tell her that she doesn't have to feel like that but I know it will fall on deaf ears. Because it's how it works - women bearing the brunt of all the mishaps, consequences, the things we have to hide because we're embarrassed or ashamed or worried. I wish it didn't have to be that way.

"I think he'd understand but I dunno, I don't really want to talk to him about it. Yet," Ruby says, matter of fact. Mind made up.

"Okay."

"So I forgot to ask how it went, meeting Brett on Friday," she asks, changing the subject, straw balanced between her lips. A tall glass of strawberry milkshake and cream obscuring most of her face. "Did everyone go?"

"Well, they did but they all buggered off. Louisa too," I confess, leading to the next part of a story I've played over in my mind all weekend. Trying to make sense of it. "Brett was jet lagged, and not very talkative and the others left once-"

"Once what?" Ruby says, coaxing me to continue on. "Did they leave you by yourself?"

I sigh heavily, I might as well tell her. I feel like I can't keep it all inside my head. I hope my trust in her isn't naive. "Well yes and no. Jack turned up, with one of the guys from the magazine."

Her brown eyes look like they might pop out. "Jack was there?"

"He stayed for a few drinks. Actually I stayed for a few more drinks. Just us two. We stayed for a bit longer than I'd planned on."

She's not an idiot. She knows what I am about to confess too. It's written all over her face. "Jemima... you didn't... did you?"

When I nod, my head heavy she covers her mouth. "I didn't plan on it happening but it did, and I really don't know how to feel about it."

Pushing her milkshake away she folds her arms on the table, bunches her mouth up. "I think he really likes you."

I shrug, absentmindedly nibbling on the cold fries on my plate. "I don't know."

"It's just that I see him coming past the office like every day and he's always looking for you. Why would he keep doing that if he didn't?"

Again, I've no answer. I am conflicted, and confused. Because this is Jack we're talking about. Someone who I'd met at a Christmas party so long ago, the memory of it doesn't feel like mine. A guy who had been charming and exciting and a bit dangerous, who I'd slept with because I was flattered by his attention. That he'd picked me over everyone else, falling at his feet. The new eye candy for the office.

How that turned into something more, is up for debate. Still I tell myself it's because he likes the chase, and is young and knows he can turn on the charm. How it'll make slightly older women like myself feel wanted and needed. He's a diamond in the rough that we all want to claim as our own until we realise the conflict it causes is more damaging than could have been anticipated.

"Is it like a love hate thing? Like Louisa said?" Ruby questions, as I keep quiet, lost in thought.

"Love is a bit of a strong word. The wrong one," I reply, my throat stuck trying to swallow a hard lump. "It's complicated."

And just like she can read my mind, Ruby pipes up to ask the all important question. "But what about Dylan?"

"Who?" I laugh, it's meant to be a joke so the tight feeling in my chest won't consume me whole but I don't think she finds it very funny.

"Dylan..."

"I know, I know. He's been away for the whole weekend so I haven't seen him," I tell her, in a slightly more serious tone. "But it's been good so far. I don't know what will happen. It's all so new."

"New is good," she says. "He seems nice, from all that you've said."

"He is, really nice."

"And..."

"Well I just don't know if I should feel guilty for seeing Jack or if I should completely stop. Or not tell Dylan anything, because what does it matter? We're not 'together', we're just friends."

"That's true..." Ruby sighs. "I mean you're not doing anything wrong."

"Hmmm,"

"Maybe you should just see Dylan again and go from there, I mean you guys haven't.. like..."

"No, no. Nothing. At all," I laugh, still finding it funny that she can't say the word s e x .

After Ruby's polished off her milkshake and eaten her body weight in fries, she sits back and rubs her stomach. "I am so stuffed."

"Me too, suppose I'd better make a move home. Abbie's still not talking to me, I figure if I pick up her favourite bottle of wine on the way back she might be willing to forgive me."

"Fingers crossed."

As I scan the dessert menu, I ask Ruby if she's got enough room for some New York cheesecake but she swaps such an idea away. Tells me she couldn't possibly eat anymore.

"But you can," she smiles. "Treat yourself."

If only I could apply such a casual motto to life's current predicament. If only it were that simple, to have my cake and eat it too. Keep my options open, with Jack or Dylan or whoever else I fancy a slice off. But it's not, and I know that.

When I settle the bill, I scoot out of the mini booth and collect my jacket. Ruby waddles about pregnant with a food baby, and thankfully nothing else. It makes me smile to see her happy, and relaxed again.

"It's nice we can talk like this Jem," she says as we stroll back along the winding roads, dodging black cabs and tourists. "I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about stuff."

I ruffle her hair, tell her I'm glad that I can help.

"Violet would never have come with me today, I doubt she'd even care," I hear mumble when we stop to admire a new shop front, all lit up with mini LED's. "She never has time for me."

"Her loss right?" I say, believing it to be true.

"She's too busy with her new boyfriend."

"New one?"

Ruby rolls her eyes. "Yeah, that actor from her party. They've gone off to Ibiza for a week, it's all over her bloody Instagram."

I laugh, my mind wandering to picture poor heartbroken Norine, still sat at her desk replaying videos of a shirtless Fisher Scott, unaware that a Halliday has stolen him away.

"Today wasn't too bad or scary after all, now was it?" I say, when we come to the tube, ready to go our separate ways.

"No. I don't feel sick or any of the things that nurse said I might feel."

"Good," I reply, wishing there were a pill I could take to rid my insides of the lingering memory of Jack. "Just get an early night in, and you'll feel as good as new tomorrow."

Ruby nods, a big smile on her lips. When she rises up to give me a big hug, arms stretching right out, I'm taken back. "You're a really good person Jem. I hope you know that."

I don't do tears. I'm not overtly sappy, nor do I get choked up often but Ruby's words bring back a hard to swallow lump in my throat. Because it's so nice and sweet, and unexpected. A sentiment not said very often.

And yet even though I know she believes it, I only wish I could.

. . .