YMMD // 14
☁️☀️☁️

it's the day of the school festival. soonyoung didn't want to go, but he figured out that he should at least be there to support his friend's performance.

"soonyoung hurry up! we'll be late!" jihoon whines as he repeatedly knocks on the bedroom door. a few seconds drag past, and the boy steps out. jihoon forgets how to breathe for a quick two seconds. damn, he looks so fine, his mouth gapes in awe. soonyoung didn't dress much, but he still looked stunning as ever. he made sure that his clothes would cover every single mark on his skin.

soonyoung snaps his fingers. "don't stare at me like that. i thought you were in a hurry," he chuckles, then jihoon's face flushes in embarrassment as he hastens to the room. it wasn't long until they left to catch a bus. soonyoung went for the seat nearer to the window, which is where jihoon actually wanted to to sit. but he let him off. he remembers, back then on school fieldtrips, they would always argue on that. jihoon misses it. a lot.

the ride goes smoothly. although the sunlight was quite blinding and everything outside is so bright, soonyoung didn't bother moving the yellow curtains. he could see his sad reflection on the window, looking back at him. it just sits there with so much sorrow, he had to shift his gaze away to not entertain the lonely thought.

soonyoung's eyes fall on his right arm and he slowly pulls the sleeve down just when jihoon turns. the younger boy falls into profound distress upon seeing the purple and yellow welts tattooed on his friend's skin. he notices that instead of healing, they have gotten worse.

"what happened? did you mess up with yourself, soonyoung? i swear i'm going to be so mad at you."

"i didn't," soonyoung replies. he knows that pushing on bruises breaks up the blood inside and creates a blood clot that can cause internal problems. he wants to tell jihoon about what seungcheol did. how he pressed so hard on his arm and hurt him, but he doesn't want to ruin anything before the performance. he could wait until then.

☁️☀️☁️

the school festival was always a place of unrestrained joy for soonyoung. he would always have a dance performance with three other friends, eat a little too much and enjoy the music floating on warm breeze like the blossom petals in spring. but not this time. he doesn't feel too good to celebrate anything at all. it's such a shame that he couldn't enjoy even one day when being completely normal is a riot. while others have their nice sip of vacation from reality, soonyoung just feels numb.

jihoon's student life is interesting and he shines enough to be well known and adored by everyone. soonyoung's? well, pretty static and calm, but he's more than okay with it. everyone else goes to greet the petite boy while soonyoung stands in his shadow. jihoon notices that, so he grabs his friend's hand to walk side by side with him instead. "hyung!" a pink haired boy approaches soonyoung with so much energy, "are you sure you don't wanna perform? you know we still need you. you're like the star of our little group."

"it's okay, chan, you can all do great with or without me," soonyoung answers "i'll be with the crowd cheering for you!"

"ah, i'm really nervous though," chan starts fidgeting with his fingers "why did you have to leave us this time?"

"i'm really tired," soonyoung pouts "you understand, right?"

the young boy giggles, "of course i do! but next time, we won't let you get away."

"sounds fair," soonyoung nods "i'll see you around?"

"okay!"

chan waves off happily and soonyoung heaves a sigh just when the boy goes out of sight. the show starts in a few minutes so he has to get seats already while jihoon goes off to be with seungcheol backstage. but jihoon insisted on dragging his friend all the way to his seat so he could make sure that he's safe. soonyoung finds that a bit too much, but pretty sweet. "text me if you need anything. never too busy for you this time, you know that," jihoon says.

soonyoung smiles yet gives his head a slight shake, "i will be okay, ji. i'm here in front, i'm excited to see you perform."

"we're one of the lasts though and it might take too long. so don't hesitate, okay?"

"roger that."

jihoon smiles and blows a kiss before running off while soonyoung rolls his eyes, his grin widening. that was such an unexpected move coming from jihoon. the show finally starts and soonyoung decides to just sit through all the performances (except his own group and jihoon's) and be on his phone the whole time. he scrolls through, just seeing advertisements from companies and posts of grinning friends, all so happy.

alas! he finally sees familiar faces on the stage. soonyoung puts his phone down and starts to cheer for his friends, chanting their names out loud. he watches all the technicolor lights fill the stage as the boys dance to their song, highlight. soonyoung hates to admit, but a part of him does want to be on the stage with them at the moment. but he wouldn't be able to dance through all the pain because his body still feels sore from getting thrown around the room by his own father.

when the performance ends, chan bows and takes the microphone from the host. he's catching his breath but he still manages to speak happily, "thank you everyone! we dedicate that to our leader who wasn't able to perform due to personal reasons. kwon soonyoung! i love you hyung uwu!" soonyoung chuckles, did he really just say uwu?

some of the crowd started to cheer as the spotlight goes to soonyoung himself. the boy shies away instantly. a few are only clapping for him because everyone else disliked him for being "different"

jihoon and seungcheol come up on stage next and soonyoung cheers loudly, "LEE JIHOON! LEE JIHOON!" he chants. their eyes meet and jihoon immediately shoots a finger heart. soonyoung feels like he had just been lovestruck. the three minute performance went by so fast, and soonyoung enjoyed every bit of jihoon's singing. he sits there with so much adoration for his friend, until the crowd goes wild and he feels a lump in his throat.

seungcheol kissed jihoon on stage. and everybody loved it.

soonyoung feels his heart sink as the distance between jihoon and him dwindles, pulled away by the center of gravity. maybe this is how it feels like to desperately chase the sun when it doesn't shine as bright for him anymore. the sun he always knew is now slowly dimming.

the more light you give off,
the faster you burn out.

maybe jihoon burned so bright for so long. bright enough to burn soonyoung.

the boy leaves his place in a hurry to go straight to the restroom. the door flies open and he breaks down in front of the mirror. why? why does he have to fall for the person he can't have? is jihoon the one to blame? his soft hair, his perfect hands and wrists. his lips that soonyoung's eyes would just dart to in sudden bursts of uncontrollable attraction. the entirety of his existence- it's all so beautiful.

but all that there is, is jihoon's absence of love for him. like a lump in the throat or a punch in the stomach. soonyoung is sick of it. is his love not enough? he bites his lips to stop the trembling growing inside him. that trembling called sadness. he feels shattered.

☁️☀️☁️

jihoon breaks the kiss and looks at seungcheol with disbelief. the crowd is cheering for them and he feels entirely welcomed that everyone has their support. nobody even knew that jihoon liked boys too. he's been scared to tell everyone, but now, look! he's accepted and love by many! the boy excitedly turns to the audience and to look for the first person he wants to see- soonyoung. but he's nowhere to be found.

and it took a while.

"soonyoung!" jihoon enters the restroom, surprised to see his friend slumped down on the floor, with his head on his knees. "soonyoung, baby, what happened?" soonyoung's heart is pounding so loudly when at the thought of jihoon in front of him. it's doing extremely well at tearing apart every single breath of and blocking all his words until he can no longer speak. he tries to push jihoon away, "d-don't call me that!"

"i'm sorry," jihoon's expression softens, "you don't look okay, should we go home?"

"i'm not going home," soonyoung cries "please, jihoon, just leave me alone. i'm tired. i'm extremely tired."

"soonyoung, you know i won't leave even if you try to drive me away, i'm your friend-"

"PLEASE!" soonyoung raises his voice, making jihoon tremble in fear. "leave me the fuck alone!"

"just tell me-"

"WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?!" soonyoung snaps, "GO, LEAVE! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!"

"....okay," jihoon mutters and walks away, leaving soonyoung completely broken. the latter didn't want him to go. he expected his friend to fight back and insist on staying. why? soonyoung keeps asking himself. why should jihoon be his happiness and heartache, leaving him empty with nothing but lies and bad memories that he will never get back? he's losing pieces of himself from loving too much. maybe he needs to stop.