Chapter 45

I pushed Carson away, somewhat, even though I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. But after that night that I found out he had a baby, in Jacksonville, I felt differently. I was jealous, and angry and sad. I still loved Carson as much as ever, but I looked at him differently. It was like he wasn't the same person anyway. I regretted his decision to have unprotected sex with someone else. It made no sense, but it was just something that was happening.

   I found excuses to stay home. I offered to babysit Rylee more often, and told Carson reasons why I was busy or couldn't hang out. He knew was was happening - what I was doing - but he continued to try, hard, to keep me close.

   When two weeks had passed and everything was still up in the air, I decided that the very difficult confrontation had to happen. All I knew was that he had talked to Lacey and her brother a few times, and he was going to send some money for things like diapers and formula - which she needed. But there was no plan, and I just felt like a girl who didn't know where she fit anymore. It felt horrible, and it was after a conversation with my mom, once again, that I decided I had to do something about it.

   "Are you and Carson okay?" my mom asked, on a Sunday morning. I was home, and I didn't have Rylee with me. Kaden had the weekend off but Carson was working extra hours.

   "Yeah," I said, adding a nod. "We're just busy."

   She nodded, sipping her coffee. Her cell phone dinged, but she ignored it. "Are you lying?"

   "Mom."

   "Arden, I can tell you're acting different, and I just want to be sure -"

   "We're okay," I told her, but was trying to convince myself more than her. "But there is something..."

   "I knew it," she breathed out. "Tell me."

   I looked away, at the doorway to the living room. Telling Kaden and Finn about the baby was one thing, but telling my mom? I didn't want her to judge Carson for this. So, I tapped my fingers on the table, then sipped my coffee, procrastinating.

   "Don't over react," I finally said.

   "Arden."

   "Carson found out that... he has a baby." I paused, looking for her reaction. She didn't give one. "The girl lives in Jacksonville. Carson stayed there for a couple months, before he came back to Seaside."

   "So, he got a girl pregnant?" she asked, still with a straight face. I nodded. "And the baby is already born?"

   "Yeah. A couple weeks ago. They did the DNA text. It's his," I told her, blinking a few too many times.

   "So... what's the plan then?" she wanted to know.

   The plan? The problem was that were didn't seem to be a plan.

   "Carson and I are just... trying to be normal, but it's hard," I admitted.

   "Of course it is." She nodded, then went on. "Is he sending money? Visiting? Will they do a custody agreement?"

   "Mom, I don't know. I feel like an outsider about everything," I said, feeling tears welling in my eyes.

   "Oh, honey," she replied, reaching out across the table to touch my hand. "I can only imagine how that feels. But you want to stay with him?"

   "Yeah. I just don't know how. I don't know why I seem to be avoiding him, or acting weird when I'm with him. Things shouldn't change, but-"

   "Of course they'll change. This is a big thing that has happened. But I think staying with him, being there for him, showing you support him, it will be enough. You were much younger when you supported Kaden through this-"

   "Kaden's my best friend. There was no other girl, Mom. This is different," I interrupted.

   "Yes, you're right. You'll have to work through emotions in order to be there for him," she explained, squeezing my hand. "You're not concerned about this other girl, are you?"

   My initial reaction was that of course I was concerned. But I shrugged, sighing. "What if he just likes the idea of having a family with her? With his son?"

   My mom ran a hand through her hair, obviously torn. "I admit I don't know Carson that well, but you know your dad and I both trust him and really, we adore him. He's been so amazing for you these last few months. Stick with him, honey. Show him you're serious and that you're not going to give up on him now."

   I swallowed hard. I had been pulling away, not pushing through. I'd been doing the opposite of what my mom was telling me I should do. "Okay."

   "I'm sorry this is happening, Arden. Just know I'm here to talk, always," she finished, patting my arm now.

   "Thanks Mom."

  The next day, I drove to the shop after my shift at JumpFit. Carson had been working more, an extra day a week and longer hours, so he was able to send money to Lacey. I hadn't seen him much that past week, but we'd talked on the phone a few times. He called every night, even though I'd been acting weird. Hearing his voice made me feel better, each night.

   "Hey, Arden," Patrick smiled at me, as I wandered in. "Get Carson out of here. He's been here since 8A.M."

   It was now after 6P.M., so he'd been working ten hours. I nodded at Patrick and walked back towards Carson's work area.

   "Hey, what was nice surprise," he smiled, looking over at me.

   "Hey. Patrick says you need to leave," I told him, then laughed. "Can we talk?"

   Carson looked nervous, but forced a smile. "Yeah, of course. Meet me at the apartment in fifteen minutes?"

   I nodded, though I wanted to hug him, kiss him. I wanted to pull him close to me and tell him how I really felt. But we couldn't do it there, at the shop. I had to be patient.

   Sitting in my car, in the parking lot of his apartment building, everything was running through my head. I was going to tell him that I wanted to be with him, but we had to have a plan. We had to be a team. I didn't want to feel left out and like an outsider. When his car pulled in beside me, our eyes met for a second. He was pleading with me, maybe afraid of what I had to say. I was nervous, but got out of my car anyway.

   We were both unsure, that was obvious. I slipped my hand into his, feeling some of his tension slip away. I saw him half-smile as we walked towards the building together.

   "Okay, so..." he began, once we were in the apartment.

   He slipped out of his work boots and walked across the main room to the sofa. He sat, slowly, as I went straight to the kitchen and got a glass of water. I drank some back before returning to where he was waiting.

   "So," I repeated, then sighed.

   "I was waiting to do this, because I wanted to... uh... know for sure that things were going to be civil, between Lacey and I..."

   Wait, what was he doing? What was happening? My breath caught in my throat. He must have seen the horror on my face.

   "And, this is so hard for me..." he went on.

   It felt like someone was sitting on my chest, suddenly. Was he breaking up with me?

   "I want to give you the option, okay? I would understand if you don't want to do all this. I would hate it, but I would understand. It's not what you signed up for, I know that," he continued, sounding stressed.

   "What?" I asked, confused.

   "I love you so much, but I don't want you to feel like you have to stay with me. This will be so messy." He paused. "Lacey and I decided to start with some weekend visits. That means every other weekend I will have my newborn baby here. It's not going to be the same, for us. It won't be easy-"

   I slid closer to him. "You'll need help. You'll need support."

   "But it will change everything," he said, looking overwhelmed.

   "Yeah," I agreed, nodding. "I know."

   He was quiet for a minute, before going on. He took in a deep breath. "Lacey gave me the option to just send money, if that was what I wanted. She said she didn't expect me to want to be in his life. But... shit. My dad left when my mom was pregnant, then my mom died. Rylee's mom left her, right after she was born. I didn't plan to have a baby right now, Arden, but I sure as fuck won't abandon him. I will step up, even if it's hard, because he's half my responsibility."

   I shut my eyes for a second and all I felt was how proud of him I was. I reached over and squeezed his hand, smiling at him with tears in my eyes.

   "You're so amazing," I told him. "I'm not going anywhere."

   "Really?" he asked, letting his own tears come.

   "Really. We didn't fight this hard to be together, to give up now," I whispered, leaning close.

   Before I could react, he was kissing me. It surprised me, but I didn't hesitate to embrace it. I got closer and put my hands in his hair, taking him in.

   When he pulled away, he was grinning. I ran my hand down the side of his face, smiling back.

   "What's his name?" I finally asked, as it hit me that I didn't even know it. He had been avoiding talking about the baby to me, knowing I was uncomfortable with it. Not to mention I'd been avoiding asking about him, too.

   Now, Carson let out a relieved sigh. "His name is Hunter."