Chapter 34

Over the next week, I realized that there was a good chance that things were going to be okay. It took a few days for me to recover from that conversation with Finn, truthfully. But I continued on, as I always did.

Carson was so amazing - he looked at me most of the time like I had the power to totally change his life. As if me just being near him made his world a better place. I knew it was still a gamble, but I felt like I had good odds. Carson and I were so good together, it was like I was never meant to be with anyone else.

After I told Carson about what went down with Finn, the following day, I could see relief mixed with uncertainty on his face. He knew what this meant, too. He knew what I was giving up, and that he had to step up to be the type of guy I needed and deserved. And he was sure trying.

That week after I "choose" Carson, we went on our first real date. He made a reservation at a fancy restaurant downtown and picked me up from the house, a rose in his hand. He drove there, holding my hand, and then we sat across from each other as we ate steak and veggies, my heart racing the whole time. It was the perfect date.

It was so weird at JumpFit without Finn. He'd given his resignation to Jack, who was shocked, to say the least. I had to hire a new person a week later - Boss Jack's orders, since I "made" Finn quit - and we only had three people apply for the position. The one I clicked with most was Sandrina, a 30-year-old fitness buff. She was actually perfect for the job, and had been a stay-at-home mom for the past five years. I was lucky to have her as an employee, but I still missed Finn's presence. He was always happy. He was friendly but also a rule follower. He was so great to work with. And now he was gone, because I'd let what was between us ruin it all.

Breaking the news to my mom about what had happened with Finn was not my idea of fun. It had been three weeks since Michael had called and given her her Worst News Ever. Now, I had to tell her that Finn - who she loved - and I were over, and oh, remember Carson from high school? He's back and we are... something.

I waited until a Saturday evening that I had Rylee at the house. I chose dinner time, because my mom was never angry with food and a cup of coffee nearby. But I was so nervous, sitting down across from her, even though Rylee was at my side.

"Mom, I have to tell you something."

She looked up. Finally, she was acting more like herself again. She'd been working a lot the last two weeks, trying to busy herself so she didn't have to talk about Michael. But she finally agreed to plan a BBQ - a backyard party - for the weekend in February when Michael and Rose were going to visit Seaside, before their big move. I was so scared of hurting my mom, but I wasn't going to keep secrets from her again. She deserved better than that.

"You better not be planning on running away, too," she laughed, then reached for her coffee.

"No, no," I said quickly. "But. Um. I'm not seeing Finn anymore."

"Ohhh. Oh, geez, Arden, what happened?"

I hadn't talked to her about any of this yet. I hadn't told her about Carson or that Finn and I were never more than fuck-buddies. I hated the idea of her thinking I was capable of what I'd done to Finn.

I could have lied now. I could have told her it just wasn't working out. Or that something terrible happened, like he cheated on me. But I didn't. I couldn't.

"I knew I'd end up hurting him," I said instead.

Now, my mom really looked disappointed. In me. "Arden, I really try not to be a therapist to you. But you know you make it hard." She paused. "Why don't you believe that you deserve happiness? Greatness?"

"I do. But-"

"You've been like this since high school," she went on. She wasn't holding back. "But you can't keep thinking that you're not good enough for-"

"No, mom. Stop."

She looked confused, then sipped her coffee again. "So, what is it then?"

"It's the opposite? No one has been enough, for me. Finn couldn't fill this giant hole that appeared inside of my heart, when..."

She gasped, literally. Rylee gigged and jabbed her peas with her fork. My mom knew what I meant now, so I didn't have to finish that sentence.

"That boy, that you spent so much time with, when you were fifteen?"

I nodded. "Trust me, I thought I was over him. But he's back in Seaside and -"

"You're going to throw away what you have with Finn, for some guy who broke your heart? He got you in trouble, sending you home in a police car, and then he disappeared," she reminded me, like I needed to hear that.

She was right. That had happened. But now I knew all of what Carson had gone through, after that night. I knew that he didn't want to leave. I knew that he tried to get back to me. And now I had to give us a chance to be something real.

"I don't except you to understand, Mom. But Carson and I are... we are going to try."

"Carson plays Barbies with me. He loves mermaids and he braided my hair, too," Rylee spoke up.

I smiled at her, glad she was on my side.

My mom, on the other hand, was not as happy about all of this.

"I don't want to see him hurt you again." Her words were sharp and cruel, as if she knew Carson could only hurt me.

"He won't. He... he came back, Mom. He went through so much and he came back."

"You seem to have a lot of faith in him. I do hope you're right." She nodded, focusing on her dinner again.

Was she coming around? Was she okay with this? Oh how I wanted her to be.

"I just know that I have to give us a chance. I feel so good with him, and we..."

"So, you're dating? Like, not just... hanging out?" She meant sex, but I was glad she didn't say it.

"We're dating," I repeated. "We haven't even... hung out yet."

"Well, then. Okay. Bring him here for dinner? Tomorrow?" she suggested, and I was completely thrown off that I almost thought I'd heard her wrong.

"Um, okay. You have to be nice, though." I smiled, hoping she knew I was kidding.

"I have to see if he's good enough for you, now," she finished, before giving Rylee a big smile.

Carson was surprised when I told him about dinner, but when he knocked on the door, the butterflies in my stomach calmed. He wore jeans and a collared t-shirt and his hair was brushed back off his face. He grinned at me and kissed my cheek, before following me in, through the foyer.

My mom was in the kitchen, literally serving dinner as we went in. Chicken legs, broccoli and rice, four plates perfectly set up around the small table. This wasn't a dining room table type of meal, but I knew it was an important one.

"Hello," she began, wiping her hands on her apron. Her expression was flat. "You must be Carson."

She'd met him a few times, but it was four years ago. Now, I knew she was looking at him, judging him, waiting to see if he'd say the right thing.

"Hi, Mrs. Krank," he began, waving. "I am Carson. Carson Roy."

"You've grown up," she told him, then I saw her eyes glance at me before they went back to him.

"Um, yes, ma'am. Thank you so much for having me for dinner."

She nodded and left the room, likely in search of my dad. I was holding my breath and crossing my fingers that dinner went smoothly, but when Carson touched my hand, most of my anxiety disappeared.

"So, you two dated in high school?" My dad asked, once we were all sitting and eating. I was so afraid of what my parents would think of him that I felt like I couldn't breathe. Of course I wanted them to like him.

"Yeah," I said, looking at Carson. "Sort of."

"Sir, I loved Arden when we were in high school. She was the only one who cared about me, she made me better. I might not have been the best boyfriend, then, but -"

"You say you loved her then? What about now?" my mom spoke up.

Carson didn't look at me this time before answering. "I never stopped loving her. It's impossible. I'm just so grateful that she's giving us a chance now."

"Yes, well, if Arden is happy, then we are," my mom said, looking at me.

I squeezed Carson's hand under the table, finally relaxing. I could tell that my mom was okay with Carson and I, at least for now.

~~

"So, you love me?" I teased him, later that evening.

We were in his car, driving around downtown, after we'd helped my mom clean up from dinner.

"I do," he said, adding a nod. "But I think you already knew that."

"I guess. But you haven't said it," I told him.

"Sorry." He glanced at me for a second. "I didn't know if it was too soon."

"I get it," I said, reaching over to link my fingers into his.

"It feels real now," he told me, keeping his eyes on the road. "You brought me home for dinner. The official parent introduction."

"We've been together for over two weeks," I smiled. "It's real."

"I know." He squeezed my hand. "It's hard to believe, that's all."

I watched him as he pulled into a parking lot, near an ice cream parlor. He shut off the car and l looked at me, his dark eyes staring me down.

"What are we doing?" I asked him.

He grinned. "I just wanted to kiss you. Also, you like ice cream."

I undid my seat belt and moved closer to him, not hesitating. I knew I'd made the right decision by how I felt with Carson. I mean, letting my body and heart decide for me maybe wasn't the best, but I'd never felt this way with Finn. With anyone. I was drawn to him, and I wanted to be closer.

"I do like ice cream," I whispered, in his ear.

"And kissing?" he asked, a small smirk on his lips.

"Yes, and kissing," I finished.