Chapter 24

Hey, I'm off at 8 if you want to hang out.

   The ding was a text from Finn, which I checked when Rylee and I were walking back towards my house. I knew what "hanging out" meant to Finn. And even if I didn't have Rylee for the night, I knew I couldn't go see Finn right now. I was far from emotionally stable.

   I have Rylee til tomorrow. I work at noon, I sent back.

   Finn : I am off tomorrow.

   Me: I'll text you when I'm done work, then?

   Finn: Okay, can't wait.

   I let a few hours pass. I fed Rylee dinner, we did some puzzles, then I gave her a bath and put her to bed, in my bed. I'd sleep in the spare room, next door. Going through the motions with her was so easy, now. I'd been doing it a long time. Plus, she was always good for me.

   It was 9P.M., exactly five hours since I'd seen Carson, when I sent him a text. I wrote it and deleted and re wrote it a hundred times before I actually sent it. I questioned whether it was a good idea, but I always went back to the fact that I knew I'd regret it if I didn't.

   Me: I missed you, too. Like, a lot.

   He didn't reply right away, and I wondered if he was actually going to ignore it. If he did, I'd have to try to forget about him, again. I couldn't even comprehend that, so I was glad when my phone buzzed in my hand.

   Carson: Yeah?

   Me: Yes. Everything sucked when you left.

   Carson: I'm so sorry.

   Me: You don't have to keep saying that.

   Carson: I am, though. Mostly for tell you to forget about me. And for not telling you I loved you, sooner.

   Me: Really?

   Carson:  Yes. You saved me, that summer. Even before then. I didn't thank you, or even tell you how much you meant to me. I was a kid, and so stupid. I just expected you to be there.

   Me: I wanted to be there, always. Wherever you were.

   Carson:  Arden, you're killing me right now.

   Me:  Why?

   Carson: It was so hard to walk away earlier, at the park.

   Me: So why did you?

   Carson:  I will not allow myself to come back in and rip apart your life again, and make you doubt everything.

   Me: What if I want you to? What if that's what I need?

   Carson: You don't need me.

   Me: How do you know that? What if I've been waiting for you this whole time?

   Carson: Arden, don't.

   Me: What?

   Carson: Don't say that if you aren't sure.

   I wasn't sure, of anything. But I knew I didn't want Carson to disappear again.

   Me: I don't want to lose you again

   Carson: And I don't think I could let you go again.

   "Bacon and eggs all around!" my dad announced the next morning, as Rylee and I came down the stairs and turned into the kitchen.

   "Coffee and orange juice, too," my mom added, smiling big when she saw Rylee.

   It was not even 7A.M. We both had bed head and were still in pajamas, but my parents didn't care. Sunday was the only morning they had time for real breakfast together, and I often had Rylee Saturday nights. It was sort of our tradition to eat together.

   "Good morning, Rylee," my mom said to her, lifting her into the booster seat at the table.

   She giggled and reached for the plate of bacon.

   "Coffee or juice, Rylee?" my dad asked her, making her laugh again.

   "Me can't have coffee," she said loudly.

   "Oh, forgive me. I thought you were old enough now. You have to be at least, what, sixteen now?" he went on, winking at me.

   "No, I three!" Rylee yelled, still laughing.

   I loved my parents for so many reasons, but the way they interaction with Rylee was at the top of the list. They treated her like family. She was, really. But I knew that they wanted their own grandchildren one day, too. Maybe I could do it, some day. Maybe I could grow up and get married and have babies. I wanted that. 

   I'd had a bunch of weird dreams that night, all of them being a mix of being with Finn, but wanting Carson, or being alone. In one, Finn was a stranger, but I knew him somehow. In another, Carson was just walking away, no matter what I did. I woke up to Rylee pulling my blanket off my body, stunned back to reality. But I was so confused, now.

 "It smells so good in here," Kaden announced, strolling into the kitchen an hour later.

   "Daddy!" Rylee yelled, running at him.

   "Hey, baby," he cooed, scooping her up. I watched him kiss her cheek and twirl her messy hair finger his finger. God, he loved her.

  "I had bacon and eggs," she grinned. There was still some ketchup on her face.

   Kaden looked at me, wondering. Another tradition was saving enough breakfast for Kaden in the morning. He would come in, looking hopeful, even though knew it would be there, waiting for him.

   "There's more, there," I told him right away, pointing at the counter. "I'll go get Rylee dressed."

   "Oh, man. Thank you," Kaden grinned, already moving towards the bacon.

   When Rylee and I came back down, both dressed for the day, Kaden had finished off his plate of breakfast. He hugged me and when he stepped back, he looked at me carefully. I knew he could tell I was keeping secrets.

   "What?" I asked, feeling weird about it.

   "You okay?" he wanted to know.

   "Yeah, fine."

   "You cannot lie to me, Arden."

   I sighed. "Well, I'll have to call you later, then."

   "Fine. Thanks for taking care of my girl," he smiled, grabbing her hand.

   "Thank you for letting me hang out with the coolest girl ever," I said back, kissing Rylee's head before they went out the front door.