Chapter 11

Remus knew something completely ludicrous was scheduled the second he read the invitation from James to meet at the Great Lake before dinner; the familiar P.S note of 'attire: formal and black' added at the bottom of the note.

It sounded extremely funeral related. Remus knew this couldn't be like the last occasion James - also togged up in black- had told him and the rest of the Marauders to gather at the lake for his public drowning, because James was dating Lily now. James had nothing to be suicidal about.

Heaving a sigh, Remus made his way across the Hogwarts grounds, loosening the black tie that was constricting his neck, and shuffling uncomfortably in the tattered black suit he was clearly not at ease wearing.

He spotted a small group assembled at the water's edge, prepared himself for the incoming lunacy he would undoubtedly receive, and approached the group.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Peter said, two baby fuchsia plants placed under either arm.

"Thanks for coming, mate." James patted him on the back, capturing him in a hug.

Yes, just as Remus had thought: scheduled lunacy.

Just as he was about to ask what on earth was going on, James spotted him and shook his hand vigorously, while Lily trailed behind him wearing a black hat with a peculiar patterned veil covering her face. Remus observed James' smart black suit and the odd dark glasses he was wearing. "You made it, Moony," James said, putting on a strained smile.

"Er…yes." Remus wondered why James was wearing glasses on such a gloomy day without sunlight. "What exactly is going-"

"Is everyone assembled, Mr. Potter?"

Remus followed the booming voice, discovering Sirius standing behind a podium…dressed as a priest. "No," he instantly dismissed, shaking his head. "No. Stop this. Stop this right now."

"Moony," James tugged on his sleeve, "Don't be so disrespectful. Now, take a seat."

Before Remus could voice his mystification, James plunked him down on the grass.

"Is everyone assembled, Mr. Potter?" Sirius asked again from behind his mighty podium. His long hair was tied in a ponytail to look more respectable, and in his mind; more priestish. Remus eyed his dog collar and held his head in his hands in despair.

"I think this is everyone," James referred to the party of four Marauders, and for some reason, Kingsley Shacklebolt who was standing to the side with his hands clasped, observing the grounds.

"Wait, Alice is coming." James spotted the girl making their way towards them. "Alice, you made it," he greeted her.

"Frank is sleeping," she said simply to explain her attendance. "If anyone asks, I'm at the dentist." She handed him a bouquet of flowers. "I'm sorry for your loss, James," she shot him a sympathetic look as she patted his shoulder, "I understand. I've been where you are now."

"I know," James replied faintly.

Alice sat down next to Peter on the grass; he was clutching his fuchsia plants to his chest whilst blubbering.

James turned to Sirius, "I think we're ready to start now."

Sirius nodded and coughed to clear his throat. He leaned on the podium, putting a most sincere look on his face. "We are gathered here today-"

"I'm sorry," Remus cut in loudly, standing to his feet. Everyone gasped at his bad-mannered interruption. "But just what is going on here exactly?" he demanded.

"Moony," James hissed, pulling on his trouser leg, "Sit down. You're being rude."

Remus eventually sat down because James was on the verge of pulling down his trousers if he tugged any harder, his mouth opening and closing every few seconds as he plainly couldn't grasp what was going on.

"As I was saying," Sirius glared at Remus for disrupting his eloquent speech, "We are gathered here today to mourn," he paused, looking upwards, "…Fanny the Eucalyptus plant-"

"No, Reverend Black," James shot him a fuming glare," We're here to mourn the death of Trippetta. Trippetta the fuchsia plant."

Sirius cringed. "Oh…right! Yes, of course. Fanny is my four o'clock," he glanced at his watch, "As I was saying," he coughed again and looked to sky, lifting his arms up to the clouds. "O Merlin, you who are the Father of, er, magic, and the deity of all comfort; look with compassion. We pray, upon all gathered here now, that our minds and hearts shall be at your command. Grant that this service of comfort, which we now hold in your name, may bring to all, a sense of heavenly nearness and great trust in you. And may the peace of Merlin, even the peace that passes all understanding, abide with us and rest upon all these dear ones."

Peter blubbered louder and Alice patted his back awkwardly.

"Trippetta was not a plant that asked for much," Sirius told them. "All she needed was some water, some light, and some good soil. James did not give her any of those, and now she is dead-"

"Padfoot!"

"-And he will go to hell," Sirius finished. "Amen." He slapped the podium, "Now, to lunch!"

"How do you know if I'm going to hell?" James asked, looking hurt.

"I'm a priest," Sirius reminded him, laughing with gusto. "I'm like God!" He noticed the funeral party was making no means to leave. "…Oh, so I take it we're not done here yet?"

"You're not even a licensed priest," James scoffed, still on the subject of whether or not he was going to a particular fiery, hot place. "You can't determine whether I'll go to Hades…and no, you're not done. You need to wrap up the ceremony."

Sirius inwardly groaned; he really was bloody hungry. "Right. Where is the dead body?" he questioned.

With much rustling in his trusty plastic bag, James brought out the pot filled with soil and the remains of Trippetta inside, handing it to Sirius.

"Bless you child," Sirius said, and promptly giggled. "I've always wanted to say that."

"Worst. Priest. Ever," James muttered.

Sirius dropped the pot into the lake and it drifted across the ripples of the water. The funeral party stood up to watch the pot float away, and James hummed the funeral march. Peter saluted the air and clutched his torso in anguish, while Alice crossed her chest before bowing her head.

"She died so young," Lily said sorrowfully, holding on to James' arm.

"I know, my orange peel," James rested his chin on the top of her head, "I know…"

Sirius called out to the sky, "Dear Merlin, as we stand beside this open, er, lake, in this silent city of the dead, we commit this body to the gro-…er, the water, and we commit the spirit, together with every sacred interest of our hearts, into your keeping, praying that you will deal graciously and mercifully with each of us, until we too shall come to our final resting place, through the riches of grace in Merlin, our Lord. Amen."

"Amen," the rest chorused.

"No, wait, fuck!" Sirius cursed. "I forgot to ask if anybody wanted to say a few words…bugger, priests aren't allowed to use profanity, are they? Fuck…BUGGER! It's like a never-ending circle of blasphemy!"

"Well, here's a silly suggestion, why don't you, you know, not swear?" Alice said, rolling her eyes.

Sirius looked at her vacantly. "…I don't understand."

"I'd like to say a few words," Peter offered.

"Oh…" Sirius had not expected that. "Well, er, take my podium." He stopped as he was just about to grant Peter leeway. "Not literally though. I mean, it's not really yours to take. It's mine," he clarified, giving the podium a last pet before he finally stepped aside.

Peter made a loud inhale of snot before speaking, making everyone squirm within a three mile radius. "Trippetta," he began reflectively, "Trippetta was a beautiful plant. She had the greenest leaves I'd ever seen, and the most beautiful flowers. They were fuchsia. I like fuchsia."

"We gathered that," the others said in unison.

"Really?" Peter said, looking genuinely shocked. "My liking for fuchsia seemed rather covert to me…" He quickly got back on track. "Trippetta…I didn't know her well, but anyone would have been lucky to have her." All of a sudden, he seemed quite teary again. "And-" sniff "-Cassie and Mo Lestor," he gestured to the baby fuchsia plants in his hands which, the others had only just discovered, he had named rather oddly, "will miss her mother deeply. We will all miss her deeply and-I'm sorry, I can't do this!" He broke down, stepping off the podium and sobbing on the grass.

Swiftly Sirius jumped back on to the podium, clutching it with his fingers possessively. "That's right. My podium." He coughed in embarrassment. "Anyone else want to say some last words?"

"I would like to say something!" Remus informed, with an insane look in his eye.

Sirius eyed him warily. "Hmm, I'm not so sure."

"Really, I do," Remus assured him, "I want to pay my deepest respects for Trippetta."

"Fine," Sirius gave in. "Two minutes," he gestured with two fingers and a scary gaze.

Remus stepped up on to the podium, looking at his fellow seventh years with expectant looks in their eyes. He held a rather insane grin. "I'd like to say…ARE YOU ALL INSANE?"

He received blank stares.

"What in Merlin's name do you all think you're all doing?" Remus asked them, his voice simply incomprehensible. "You're holding a FUNERAL for a PLANT. You do realize that, don't you?" Silence sustained. "You're here, by the lake, assembled in BLACK, for a PLANT. I mean, Lily, you're wearing that strange funeral hat article with the veil," he pointed at her, puzzled, "And Prongs, you're wearing dark glasses outside when it's not even sunny."

"It's to hide the tears," James murmured dramatically, bowing his head.

"Oh, good God! And Sirius, you're dressed as a bloody priest, for heaven's sake! Do you realize how bonkers you lot are?"

"Alright, alright, that's enough, ponce!" Sirius said rather boisterously for someone who appeared as a priest. "Kingsley, get him off the podium!" He snapped his fingers at the 'bodyguard' that was Kingsley Shacklebolt who'd been placed to keep unwanted guests away from the fuchsia plant memorial.

"Don't snap your fingers at me, Black," Kingsley bit back, making his way over to Remus.

"Sorry," Sirius chose his words carefully, and failed, "Shiny Headed…Man."

"Don't call me that, Black!" Kingsley seized Remus, who had now gone insane, keeping hold of the podium so he couldn't be moved, by the shoulders.

"Let me go!" Remus shouted. He kicked out his legs as Kingsley picked him up and hoisted him over his shoulder. Because of Kingsley's giant-like height, Remus felt similar to hanging off the Astronomy Tower. "Let me go, I am not the zany one here! I AM COMMONSENSICAL!" He still managed to grip the side of the podium for immobility.

"This coming from the one who is shouting and holding on to a podium…Which is my podium," Sirius realized. "Get off my podium, Moony!"

"No, no, get off me! You people are at a plant funeral! I am COMMONSENSICAL! Aaaaargh!" Kingsley managed to detract Remus' hand off the podium and made his way across the grounds, back to the castle. "COMMON-SENS-I-CAL!" he wailed off into the distance.

"I think it's that time of the month," Sirius said, tapping the pointy teeth in his mouth to indicate werewolf fangs. "So, we done here yet?" he asked, already picking up his podium to hoist away.

"I think it would be nice to end with a closing prayer," Alice said respectfully.

"Do you?" Sirius huffed; he was really, really bloody hungry. "Can't you do a mental prayer in your head when you get back to Frank or something?"

"Prayers are best said aloud."

Sirius dropped the podium and grunted. "Fine." He loosened his dog collar that was beginning to irritate him, and leant against the podium once more. The group put their hands together, in prayer position.

"Our Father," Sirius started, "who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice- especially toast- trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad."

"You can't eat salad!" Peter exploded.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "And why not, fellow partisan?"

"Because you can't eat one of Trippetta's own kind!" Peter shielded the baby fuchsia plants away from the monster that was Sirius Black. "Don't be so disrespectful!"

"Since when have salad and fuchsia plant been related?" Lily asked.

"They both have green leaves."

"Aharharharhar….oh, you're not joking, Pete," Sirius realized, judging from his friend's upset face. "Fine, I won't have salad. What am I allowed to eat, then?"

"Anything but fuchsia."

"Darn it. And I was just going to devour those fuchsia colored carrots today, as well."

An ear-splitting splash of water came from the Great Lake.

It seemed as if the squid didn't like pots polluting its water.

The group watched the Giant Squid scoop up the pot of Trippetta's remains with a tentacle and promptly hurl it across the air. The plant soared high and landed in the trees of the Forbidden Forest.

"Anybody see where that went exactly?" Lily questioned, rising on her tiptoes.

"Not the exact co-ordinates," Alice admitted.

"…Can we get back to the castle now? I want to scare some broom closet snogging partners with my priest costume."

Too many unlucky bad incidents had happened to Lily today. They were the minuscule little things, but when combined together created a mass explosion of misfortune.

Lily had overslept. Lily never overslept. Lily did not know the meaning of oversleeping, and if she ever did oversleep, she overslept early.

Lily could not find her lucky Garfield knickers, therefore failing a Transfiguration test.

They were magic knickers.

Lily had broken a quill in Charms. Lily had broken every consecutive quill she had owned in Charms. Absolutely no one in the class owned a spare quill and Lily had to write with the end of an earring dipped in the mud that stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

She had spilled the entire contents of her permanent blue inkwell onto her only clean blouse.

A large blue stain now engulfed her right breast.

"Hey, blue breast-"

"SHUT UP, SIRIUS."

It hadn't helped her situation that she had been comforting many students -as her apparent duty of being Head Girl and general kindness- who'd been terrorized whilst 'being intimate' with their partners, by an insane boy dressed as a pony-tailed priest who proclaimed they were going to hell for their sex-driven thoughts.

Lily was now trying to make her way across the castle without having a mental breakdown.

"Come on, school robe, fasten!" Lily spoke to her clothing. The robe seemed determined not to fasten, exhibiting her blue breast to the world. "Come on!"

In her focusing of closing her robe, she hadn't been looking where she was going and knocked into someone's shoulder, making her school bag fall off her shoulder and to the ground.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake…" Lily whipped round to watch the shoulder -belonging to Severus Snape- flounce away without saying a word. She watched his back and billowing black robes until he turned the corridor and was out of sight. "That's the second time he's done that. What is his problem?" she grumbled bitterly, picking up her bag and lifting it back on her shoulder.

She continued to keeping her head down, again with her focus on fastening the stubborn robe, until she tumbled into someone's chest. This time her bag fell to the floor and opened up, spilling her books and parchment everywhere.

Lily let off a loud curse, and looked up to discover it was Derrick's chest she had plummeted into.

She instinctively took a step back to distance herself from him. "You," she said unsavorily.

"I'm sorry," Derrick knelt to the ground and started picking up her books. "I'm really sorry…"

Lily watched him as he collected her things, his fingers touching her belongings. Her fists balled.

"Don't… Don't touch my stuff!"

Lily's piercing voice echoed down the empty corridor and the atmosphere was clearly taught. She hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but it was the only way she could get through to him.

"Right," Derrick nodded, looking crestfallen. He dropped the Charms book to the floor and stood up, taking a step backwards. At the same time, Lily dropped to her knees and began gathering her possessions, not even looking up to acknowledge the boy. She heard a few more inaudible apologies and then his footsteps as he left.

Confusedly, her head jerked upwards when she noted the speed of his walk. She rose to her feet, hitching her bag back on to her shoulder, and watched Derrick breaking into a run down the corridor until he turned right and was gone.

That boy confused her to no end.

Holding her head up high to avoid any more crashing into people, she continued her way down the corridor with much grace. Yes, she technically had a blue breast, but who didn't?

…everyone. Everyone except her had a blue breast. But Lily liked to keep optimistic.

"Evans!"

"Go away, go away, go away," she chanted, hurrying whilst ignoring the voice behind her. "Secret trap door of Hogwarts, please promptly swallow whatever person that voice belongs to…"

Something -which Lily guessed was a finger- tapped her shoulder, and she spun around to face a Hufflepuff prefect.

Lily groaned; it was a Head Girl enquiry.

"Didn't you hear me?" the girl asked, though her voice wasn't exactly ignorable as it sounded similar to a duck screeching.

"No, sorry," Lily beamed a smile that was obviously bogus. "Secret trap door of Hogwarts, I command you…" she said under her breath.

"I just wanted to ask what time the Prefects and Heads meeting is tonight."

Lily looked at her blankly. "I set a Prefects meeting tonight?" she queried.

"Yes, you did," the girl confirmed. "Seven, then?"

"Er…yes," Lily nodded. Her mind was really too distracted lately. "That's the exact time I was going tell you. Now…go off to your Prefect things now. Your may depart." She saluted the air, and slowly lowered her hand, realizing what a clearly mental action she had done.

"Keep of the rum, Head Girl."

Before Lily could decipher that statement, the girl hurried off.

"I'll have you know that I don't even like rum!" she shouted after her.

"Miss Evans!"

Lily groaned. Was she on radar today?

"Go away, go away, go away…"

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall came up to her with a stack of parchment in her hand. "I'm glad I caught up with you."

"Secret trap door of Hogwarts…"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh." Lily realized she hadn't muttered low enough. She put on Number Two Bogus Smile of the day. "How can I help you, professor?" She redirected the conversation away from her lack of talking quietly.

"I've got a list of issues that need to come up at the Prefects meeting tonight," McGonagall informed.

"Oh, right, well I-aaauugh-" She cut off as she discovered the stack of parchment in McGonagall's hand was for her, as the professor dumped them into her hands. The amount of parchment stacked together was alarming, along with the heavy weight. "This seems to be a lot of issues, professor," she told McGonagall, though she couldn't see her as the parchment heap was so high it covered her face.

"I assure you, each one is important."

Lily's hands shook as she tried to keep the parchment tower steady. "Good to know, professor."

"You ought to check out the third floor too, Miss Evans. There are some distressed students who believe they've seen religious leaders."

Lily groaned inwardly. Sirius-bloody-Black.

"I trust as Head Girl you'll enquire what exactly they have seen and get to the bottom of it," McGonagall assumed.

"Of course, professor." She shone another fake smile as McGonagall departed, which instantly manifested into a frown the second the professor was out of sight.

Okay, she was a little overloaded with work lately. All she needed to do was get back to the Head Tower, have a nap, and she'd be chipper again.

"Oho! Lily, m'girl!"

Or not.

She tried to quicken her wobbly pace, still balancing that lengthy pile of parchment in her hands.

"Lily, my girl!"

Knowing she couldn't ignore the professor as he'd tapped her shoulder, she spun around as sturdy as she could, not bothering to put on a smile as her face was out of view.

"Hello, professor," she said from behind the parchment.

Slughorn moved left and right to try to view Lily's face, but eventually gave up. "I noticed you hadn't asked for your usual extra credit piece for Potions," he said.

"Oh, well, uh, you see I've been a little busy and-"

"No, worries, my dear!" Lily undoubtedly felt worried. "I took the consideration in bringing you the information for the extra credit piece." She spotted the wave of a hand of parchment from behind her pile.

"Oh, er, right, well, actually I think I might pass on that-"

"Here you go, Lily, m'dear." Slughorn dumped the sheets on her parchment stack and Lily could feel her legs wobble. "I'll see it on my desk tomorrow, then?"

"What?" Lily murmured. "Um, I don't think I'll be-"

"Oh, and there's another party of mine tonight. I hope to see you there, and bring James with you! There's so many people I want you to meet."

"Tonight? I'm afraid I've apparently organized a Prefects meeting tonight-"

"I'll see you tonight, then! Must dash!"

"What—wait, professor! Professor Slughorn!" She moved her pile of parchment to her right, spotting the small -yet large in the stomach- man waddle away. "Professor!" she tried again. "Damn it…"

After a couple more minutes of shaky walking down the corridor, she remembered something. She was a witch.

"You're very alert today, Lily," she told herself. Managing to grab her wand, she made the stack of parchment float beside her with a simple spell. Picking up the sheets Slughorn gave her, she opened her bag to put them inside.

A letter was popping out from within the bag, with the familiar 'Dear Lily' written on the front.

"Oh no…"

Sirius clutched his stomach as he gushed with giggling. "His face! Aharharhar! I can't…breathe…"

"Don't strain yourself, Sirius. If you really find it too hard to breathe, just stop."

Sirius contemplated this suggestion until he realized stopping of breath resulted in death.

"Shut up, Moony."

"Keep moving, Padfoot," James nudged his back, walking behind him in the corridor.

"Alright, alright!" Sirius huffed, not liking being told what to do.

"I'm just looking out for your well-being," James said.

Peter glanced behind and his eyes widened. He quickly turned back round and hissed, "He's there!"

Craning their necks, the boys peeped behind to spot the angry fellow seventh year Kingsley following them in a threatening march. Though the boys (excluding Remus) had found joining Sirius' parade of the castle scaring broom closet snoggers extremely enjoyable fun, Sirius had flung open one particular broom closet yelling "I AM PRIEST AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS UNSANITARY!" to the wrong person: Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"Just keep walking, Padfoot," James nudged Sirius again, signaling to his friends to keep their pace calm and normal.

Peter squeaked as he noticed Kingsley breaking into a run. "Shiny Headed Man is going to kill you," he told Sirius.

"What?" Sirius glanced behind him, loosening his dog collar. "That silly giant oaf friend of-oh my God, was he always that tall?"

"I like to believe that when he is angry he grows centimeters in height," Peter enlightened.

"Well, that's very nice, Peter, but it isn't possible," Remus pointed out shrewdly.

"BLACK!"

Sirius whimpered.

"Alright, Padfoot," James patted him on the back, motioning him to go forward, "now is the time to run."

"It's a little difficult to run in this clothing, Prongs, mate," Sirius mentioned. "It kind of constricts the balls and-oh God, I think he may be so tall right now his shiny bald head is touching the ceiling."

"And Hogwarts has pretty lofty ceilings," Peter added.

Together -because the rest of the Marauders knew Sirius would somehow blame his actions on his friends, forgetting friend fidelity- the four boys ran down the corridor; Sirius with a slight hobble because of his too tight trousers.

The boys eventually made it to a crossroad in the Hogwarts corridors. Sirius and Peter were separated from the group as they turned left while James and Remus took the right turning.

"Where are those stupid sods going?" James turned back to watch Sirius and Peter escape the other way. "Don't they know that leads to a dead end?"

Remus shook his head as he spotted Kingsley following Sirius and Peter down the same corridor. "They're doomed."

"Lily?"

Bemused, Remus turned to look at James, wondering why he'd called that particular redhead's name. James' behaviour was explained when Remus spotted Lily strangely kneeling on the floor, her bag on the ground, while a stack of parchment floated above her.

"Lily?" James almost laughed at her odd position. He frowned when she didn't answer him and speeded up his walk to reach her. "Hey you, " he kneeled beside her and touched the side of her cheek, worried why she looked ghostly pale, "what are you doing on the floor?"

Lily grabbed tightly on to his arm as though she were about to fall. "I'm going to pass out in the following five seconds due to stress," she informed slothfully. "Please carry me to the Hospital wing."

"What?" James held on to her shoulders. "Lily?"

Within seconds, the Lily's eyes rolled back and she blacked out, falling forwards onto his chest. At the same time, the stack of parchment fell from the air, and James and Remus were suddenly bombarded in a whirlwind of paper.

Remus watched the parchment encircle them and fall quite elegantly to the ground. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed an envelope on the ground with 'Dear Lily' inscribed on the front. Dashing out, he snatched the envelope before James could see it, and slipped it into his trouser pocket; all which was unnecessary as James was already hurrying to the Hospital wing with Lily in his arms.

"Is redhead all right?"

James had exited the doors of the Hospital wing, running a hand tiredly through his hair, facing his Marauder chaps.

"Yeah," he answered Sirius' question rather absent-mindedly, "Yeah, she's gonna be fine." He quickly remembered that Sirius and Peter were standing before him, alive. "How did you lose Kingsley?"

"Your cloak," Sirius said simply with a haughty eyebrow raise. James chuckled, somewhat sadly, and slipped his hands into his trouser pockets, looking pensive.

"What's wrong with Lily, Prongs?" Peter asked finally.

"Oh, it's nothing serious," James told him, though his expression was of the serious kind, "Madam Pom-Poms-"

"I hate how everyone stole that nickname from me, you know."

"Padfoot, be your fucking name."

Sirius looked confused. "What the hell is that supposed to…oh, be my name!" he laughed. "That's a rather clever pun of yours."

"Madam Pom-Poms," James continued as if Sirius had never spoken, "said Lily just needed some rest."

Sirius gasped. "I bet she's pregnant!" he concluded, clapping his hands in rather girlish delight.

"Oh God," James covered his gawking mouth, as ordered by his mother, "I never thought of that! What if she is?"

Remus was on the verge of a fit. "James, have you even had sex with her?" he questioned.

James thought for a second.

"…No."

"Well of course she's not pregnant, then!"

James knew the studious werewolf was right, and even looked mildly disappointed. "Little Harry will have to wait…"

"Oh, Prongs, you are not talking about bloody marriage or babies again!" Sirius shuddered, disgusted at his friend's softness and looking ahead to the future. "It's weird!"

James scratched his chin, looking thoughtful. "Do you think I give her stress?" he asked innocently.

"What are you babbling on about?" Remus asked.

"Madam Pom-Pom's said Lily needed rest because she was…stressed." James looked rather confused. "Do you think I give Lily stress?"

"YOU GIVE ME STRESS."

"Yes, that's lovely Remus, but I want to know if I give Lily stress."

"Is that even a question that needs to be asked?" Sirius snorted. "You're like one of those annoying loopy grandmothers every family hates and stuffs in a home where you nibble on furniture."

"Padfoot, please, be -insert your name- before I insert something up your arse."

"What?" Again, Sirius looked confused. "Insert my…name, oh! Harhar! Second pun of the day in five minutes, Prongs! I'd hit you one if I wasn't so proud."

"James, I don't think you give Lily stress," Peter said loyally.

James smiled at Peter and sent Sirius and Remus a look that said he was a fine example of what a real Marauder should be. "Thank you, Pete!"

"Because you've been helping her with Head duties," Peter carried on, "Right?"

James narrowed his eyes. "Duties…?"

Remus slowly shut his eyes. "Oh Merlin…"

"You know, helping Lily with her duties of being a Head student," Peter continued.

James cringed. "Well…"

FLASHBACK

"Excuse me, sir?"

Chewing openly on Drooble's gum, James looked both ways of the corridor for the source of the voice. Not seeing anyone, he shrugged and continued ruining his teeth.

"Down here, sir."

He jumped, feeling something tug his trouser leg, and he instinctively went to kick it away. He stopped the action when he discovered a Gryffindor first year below him.

"Hello there…" James narrowed his eyes, "small…hobbit…?"

"My name's Matthew," the boy mentioned, looking up at James who towered over him.

"Nice to meet you, George," James said politely.

"It's Matthew."

"I see you as a George."

"Er…okay," the first year decided he was not normal, "Are you Head Boy, sir?"

James shuddered. "Don't call me sir. I feel old. Call me…" He pondered for a title. "'Your Majesty'," he decided, looking rather impressed with himself.

The first year wished he'd seen the Head Girl instead.

"This is going to sound a little embarrassing…" The boy looked down at his feet, which wasn't far away for such a small height.

"Oh, God, you don't fancy me do you?"

"No!" the boy quickly rectified. "I have a girlfriend."

"What?" James sputtered. "But you're…a hobbit," he stated.

"I need your help, sir," Matthew tried to lead the conversation away from his love life. "I think I'm being," he paused uncomfortably "…bullied."

"Who's the bugger?" James smacked his fist into his palm. "I'll beat him up."

The first year looked quite shocked. "Um…aren't you supposed to sort it out as quietly as possible?"

"Poofs," James declared, and Matthew was predictably confused, "Poofs are the people who say that. Are you a poof, George?"

"It's Matthew. And yes."

"No, no, no, no, George!" James slapped the tiny boy on the back. "You need to stand up for yourself, little…midget…person. Now, show me this ruffian boy."

"…it's a girl."

"AHARHARHARHAR!"

END OF FLASHBACK

Sirius was in a fit of laughter. "You're an absolute legend, Prongs."

"A first year goes to you for help on bullying," Remus said, "and you discriminate him because of his height, offer to attack the bully, and then laugh at him!"

"It was my first time," James excused himself, slightly reddening. "I'm sure I'll do better next time," he said, as though bullied first years asking for his help would be a daily happening. "Carnage normally ends the problem quicker…"

"Oh goodness," Remus said under his breath, "I can't believe he said he wants to help bullied first years with carnage…You haven't been discriminating any more small people, have you?"

James cringed again. "Uh…"

FLASHBACK

"Shift hobbits! Budge! Be in motion! Move, small little people, I say! OH MY GOD, I THINK A GREMLIN IS EATING MY ARM!"

END OF FLASHBACK

"And that one time…"

FLASHBACK

"OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST MOVE YOU LITTLE PYGMY BEFORE I PUT YOU IN A JAR ON MY SHELF!"

END OF FLASHBACK

"And the other day…"

FLASHBACK

"Gaaaah! Midgets, everywhere! THEY WILL KEEP ON PRODUCING UNTIL THEY TAKE OVER THE WIZARDING WORLD! STEP ON THEM! STEP ON THEEEEEEM!"

END OF FLASHBACK

"Prongs, you need," Remus chose his words carefully, "…sleep. Yes, you need some sleep."

James laughed. "I thought you were going to say something else, then."

"And you need professional help."

James' smile fell.

"Come on, Prongs, lets walk you back to your tower," Sirius said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Oh… But I was going to sleep by Lily's bedside."

"No matter how endearing and disgustingly cute that would be, I'm trying to save what little masculinity you have left."

James looked hesitant to leave.

"You said it yourself, Lily will be fine. Now move your arse, mork."

Eventually James let Sirius steer him away from the Hospital wing. Remus patted his pocket to check if the envelope was still there, found it was there much to his displeasure, and followed closely behind. He would talk to Lily tomorrow…

"Lily?"

"Secret trapdoor of Hogwarts…" she mumbled.

"What? Lily?"

Opening her eyes, she adjusted her sight to the daylight illuminating the unfilled Hospital wing. She realized she was in one of the familiar beds and sat up, spotting Remus sitting in a chair next to her, holding a few books and parchment which didn't look out of place with such a scholarly boy.

"Here's the Arithmancy work you missed today," Remus told her quite aloofly, standing up and leaving the books and parchment on her bedside. "I should go."

"Wait, Remus." She sat up higher in her bed and gestured him not to leave yet. "Can we talk?"

He looked down at his feet. "We are talking," he said quietly, not looking her in the eye.

"You've barely said two words to me for the past couple of weeks," Lily stated, looking concerned. "You've only spoken to me about something that's school related."

Remus said nothing.

"That was a fine example," Lily commented. "Remus?" Still, he said nothing. She groaned in frustration. "You're being very childish, you know." An idea sprung to her. "You could say you're being very…Sirius Black-like."

Remus gasped at her, and his eyes even darted at the books at her bedside as if he was going to hurl one at her face. He looked on the brink of speaking, but stopped himself, only looking away.

"Will you please talk to me?" she pleaded. "I never fall out with you. I don't like this. You're the only Marauder I can hold an interesting conversation about Ancient Runes with."

"Sirius likes Ancient Runes."

"No, Sirius likes ancient ruins."

"Oh…yes," Remus remembered, "I vaguely recall that lengthy, misunderstanding conversation…" He went back into silence again.

"Oh, for goodness sake," Lily threw up her hands, glaring at the boy, "I don't see what I've done wrong here!"

Wordlessly, something was dropped on Lily's bed sheet.

The words 'Dear Lily' stared her boldly in the face.

"Oh dear." A hand slowly crept to her parted mouth to cover it. Lily stared at Remus, worry stricken across her face. "Did you," she gulped, "did you read it?"

Silently, Remus shook his head.

As Lily opened up the envelope, he mentioned, "I know Derrick didn't send the last letter in Potions." Lily looked even more troubled at this revelation. "Go on," he noticed she'd frozen, holding the letter in her hands, "Read it, then."

'Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?

Love is everything it's cracked up to be.

That's why people are so cynical about it.

It really is worth fighting for,

Being brave for,

Risking everything for.

And the trouble is,

If you don't risk anything,

You risk even more.'

Once she finished reading, she held out the letter to Remus with shaky fingers. "Do you want to read it?" she asked weakly.

Remus crossed his arms and said a simple, "No." He paused before continuing, "I want you to tell me who sent it to you - and the last letter, as well."

Lily played with her bed sheet to occupy her fidgeting fingers. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I don't know!" She softened her tone before Madam Pomfrey came out of her office in a fury. "I don't know who sent me it because they signed it anonymously."

With slow comprehension, Remus sat down, looking surprised. "Oh," was all that he'd answered to her revelation.

Lily forced a smile, trying to sound indifferent. "Someone has a silly little crush on me and sent a silly love letter. It isn't a big deal, Remus. So don't fuss about it."

"If it isn't such a big deal, why did you lie to James about the first letter and who it was from?"

"Because you know what he's like," Lily sighed, "Probably more than I do. You know what he did to Derrick last year, and Merlin knows how many potential boyfriends he's knocked off in the past-"

"Twelve."

"What?"

Remus paled. "Er…nothing."

Lily suddenly looked anxious again. "You're not going to tell James about the letters, are you?"

Though Remus looked unsure, he eventually nodded. "I'm not going to be that guy who tells you that you have to tell James or I will." Lily breathed a sigh of relief. "Maybe you'll just figure it out and do it without me saying a word."

That was the perfect thing to say to make Lily feel guilty.

"You haven't received any more letters from this anonymous individual have you?" he questioned in a McGonagall-like manner.

"No," Lily said, a little too quickly. "No-oo," she said slower, hoping that would sound more convincing. "No, sir?" She tried again. "I swear on Trippetta's death bed."

"You can't swear on something that's dead, that makes you look even guiltier. You have to swear on something that is alive."

"Honestly, you're always so corrective…" Lily grumbled.

Remus asked, a genuine expression of utter seriousness across his features, "You swear to me this letter and the one letter you got in Potions are the only ones you've received?"

"Yes."

The second she answered, she wanted to take it back.

"Okay," Remus accepted. "I better get back," he realized, looking at the time. He got to his feet and made his way to the oak doors. "Get better soon, Lily."

Biting on her lip, she nodded in return.

"Moony!"

James tumbled into the Hospital Wing, smiling at Remus' appearance.

"What're you doing in here, mate? Visiting any secret ill pretty maidens I don't know about?"

"Just dropping off homework to Lily," Remus replied, putting on a relaxed smile in front of his friend.

"Ah, seeing my ill pretty maiden," James slapped his back, "Don't worry, Moony, you have Sirius."

"Har-bloody-har," Remus remarked. "Now get away from me before I unleash drawn out language on you."

Not needing telling twice, James bounded his way over to Lily's bed and sat next to her. Remus watched as James grabbed her hand and attacked it with kisses, while Lily glowed in the cheeks and chuckled.

Despite the adorable scene, Remus still felt oddly grim, exiting through the Hospital Wing doors.

Lily was definitely keeping something from them all.

The second Remus got back to the Gryffindor common room; he did what was considered as 'hitting the books.'

Of course, no actual hitting of the books was involved, nor was there any literature battering. Remus was studying, and the 'hitting the books' phrase was considered completely daft in his mind.

Studying was on the agenda, but Remus couldn't. Either he was thinking of a particular 'Dear Lily' letter, whether Lily had lied to him or not, the possibility that Peter was gay because of his fuchsia obsession, or what havoc Sirius Black was unleashing in that silly Priest costume…

Letting his eyelids droop, Remus' head fell onto his book and as he drifted into immediate slumber.

"Oh, no," Remus groaned, awaking in the Dream World. He was vaguely aware that he was standing in a church, spotting holy, color decorated windows of an elevated room, and to more of his horror, rows upon rows of pews full of familiar people including classmates and professors.

He did his usual mantra. "Wake, up, wake up, wake up…"

"Remus, dear!"

He glimpsed around the room of smiling people and spotted his mother waving to him as she waved a soggy tissue in her hand, drenching the woman sitting next to her.

"Remus dear!" she called again, her eyes gleaming.

"M-mum?" he stammered.

"I knew you'd always end up with him in the end, Remus dear!"

Remus took in her words. "Wha-…what? Him?" he repeated.

Feeling suddenly itchy, Remus looked down at his clothes and discovered he was wearing an ornate, shimmering white wedding dress.

"I should have seen this coming," he muttered, his face the essence of embarrassment, despite it being a dream. He felt something up his bottom and definitely knew it was not the 'stick up his arse' Sirius had teased about so many times.

"Oh good God," Remus said after much groping of the buttocks, "am I wearing a thong?"

"They're compulsory at weddings."

Remus followed the voice and let off an unflattering snort - James was standing next to him wearing a rather attractive bridesmaid dress (which was also strapless, making Remus ponder the question how James conjured up a pair of melons to carry it off). Obviously the roles of men and women had been swapped in this dream.

"Your dress rather outdoes mine, James," Remus couldn't help but admit.

"Too right it does," James scoffed, pushing out his chest. "Quiet, Moony, we're starting." He pointed to behind Remus.

Slowly turning around, Remus did not look surprised to find Sirius dressed in his priest costume while Peter played the piano and wedding march rather out of tune.

"Pete," Sirius wiggled in his ear -along with everyone in the church- because of Peter's poor musical abilities, "You are the worst pianist ever." Sirius realized something. "Pianist! Har! Sounds a bit like penis…"

Remus noticed the empty spot of the groom next to him. "Alright then, mandrills, we seem to be missing someone. So, who's my groom, then?" he played along, obviously gone mad. "Come on, then. Come out; come out, wherever you are."

"Oh, weren't you informed?" Sirius grinned, making Remus blanch. "I'm doubling up in roles." He took the empty space next to him and Remus gasped in horror. "I do," he said with a mischievous wink, slipping a ring onto Remus' finger.

"AAAAAAAARGH!"

"Moony, wake up!"

Remus was suddenly aware of someone slapping his face.

"Jesus, wake up!"

"I'm up; I'm up, Sirius…" Remus mumbled, recognizing the voice.

"Moony! Wake up now!"

Remus was still aware of someone slapping his face.

"Ow! Sodding hell! I'M UP, STOP HITTING ME!"

"WAKE UP, MOONY!"

Remus sprung to life as he was drenched in water, tipped upside down from a glass by one Sirius Black…still wearing that ridiculous priest costume.

Remus looked up from the drenched pages of his book and through his wet hair.

"I. Was. Up," he growled.

"You were screaming in your sleep," Sirius said, looking alarmed. He shook his head, "Spoony Moony…"

"Stop using my Word of the Day against me!"

"Spoony is such a wonderful word…" Sirius looked upwards, as though he were daydreaming.

"Sirius." Remus tried again, "Sirius." He clicked his fingers and Sirius came out of his daze with a 'hmm?'

"We need to talk."

Sirius chuckled for a moment, finding what Remus had spoken rather similar to the beginning of a 'Break-up speech.' The smile ultimately left his face when he noticed Remus' sober expression. Sirius took the opposite seat across the table.

"Is this about melons, perchance?"

"No, we're not going to talk about melons."

"…but we are talking about melons now."

"Yes, but the conversation we're going to have is not about melons."

"…just to clarify, we're talking about both the fruit and the ones attached to women's chests-?"

"STOP TALKING ABOUT MELONS."