Chapter 5-Oh Shit! Three James and Seducing All Around

"Oh Merlin!" Remus poked his James Potter cheeks he now owned, then ran a hand through his present dark messy hair. "No way," he said under his breath. "Untamed hair."

"Rrhhuh," James mumbled from the corner, signalling to Remus to get his attention back on the real James Potter with a sock in his mouth. However, Remus' attention was much elsewhere.

"How could this have happened?" Remus asked hysterically, examining his arms and hands - arms like runner beans, as Sirius poetically described.

"Rrhhuh," James mumbled louder and more impatient. He was choking on a filthy sock and covered in toothpaste - overall, not in the slight bit happy.

In his bewildered state, Remus bent down to his knees and untied James' arms and legs. Feeling he would get gratitude from being rescued, he was a little shocked to have the berserk James spring on him.

"I'm gonna behead you, Sirius!" James exclaimed, grabbing Remus' neck; or oddly, his own neck, as Remus now looked like him. It was a strange feeling to be strangling himself yet he didn't seemed to find himself stopping anytime soon.

"What are you talking about?" Remus yelled, choking. "I'm not Sirius! I'm Remus!" James was still not convinced, assuming he was lying. "You said the word 'gonna' which is grammatically incorrect! Use 'going to'!" he rectified, hoping James would see he was actually Remus Lupin. At his words, James quickly dropped his hands from his neck in realisation.

"Moony? You drank the Polyjuice potion, too?"

"Polyjuice potion?" Remus repeated. "Oh no..." He groaned, now realising what he'd drank from the bedside table. "This is ridiculous. I saw you, James, I think, leaving the common room with Peter."

"That must have been Sirius," James said bitterly, kicking the sink in frustration which led to him howling in pain.

"Why did Sirius even use the potion to turn into you in the first place?" Remus found himself already answering the question himself. "Lily..."

"That girl causes me all kinds of trouble," James commented, wiping toothpaste that somehow gotten onto his face.

"So," Remus started slowly, "I'm you, and Sirius is also you."

"Shit," James groaned, slamming his head against the bathroom wall. "Please don't tell me there are three James Potters currently in Hogwarts."

"Is that what you want to hear?"

"Not particularly." James slammed his head against the wall every two seconds, sounding like a regular drum beat.

"Then, no," Remus lied. "There are not three James Potters in school today. Although, one has gone off to 'seduce' Lily," he remembered 'James' telling him in the common room moments before. "Whilst two James Potters are currently in this bathroom... One contemplating therapy after this is over."

"Two contemplating therapy," corrected James.

"Right." Remus pinched his unfamiliar James Potter arm to try and wake himself from this horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream, and now Remus only had bruises due to too hard finger-pinching.

"Don't do that to yourself-I mean, to me...er..." James stopped, puzzling himself by his words. "I've had a disturbing morning," he explained, noticing Remus' odd look. "Sirius felt his buttocks in front of me-er, I mean my buttocks - well, you know what I mean. And now I'm talking to you who looks like me and I think I'm going insane."

"You think you're going insane? I'm you. I thought I was drinking water, and now I'm you. And my trousers are too tight and my shirt is breaking my ribs."

"Hey, you should find it honour to be James Potter," James said, oddly cheerful considering the circumstances. "Great, now I'm hysterical." He realised he shouldn't be feeling uplifting considering Sirius Black was walking around Hogwarts in his body, saying stuff in his body, and doing stuff in his body. "We have to go find Sirius." James grabbed for his robe.

"What?" Remus paled. "James, you can't go running after Sirius because he looks exactly like you! What are people going to say if they see both of you at the same time! Everyone will go crazy!"

"I don't care," James said shortly.

"Look, James," Remus tried to remain calm, "I'll come help you look for Sirius but we have to wear some sort of disguises so we won't be recognised, okay?"

Stubbornly, James remained silent and crossed his arms.

"Please, James?" he begged.

"You don't know how strange it is to see myself look so pathetic," James grumbled. Remus raised his eyebrows. "Alright, alright! We'll wear your bloody disguises," he gave in, pulled along by the boy who looked like him towards Sirius' wooden chest beside his bed.

"Well... this is mental."

James was now wearing a red sparkly dress with the tassels, the exact dress he wore when he was hammered on his sixteenth party. Why? This was his disguise so he would not be recognised.

"Why women's clothing, Moony? Why, why, why?"

"We'll have more of a chance of not being identified," Remus explained, uncomfortably lowering the skirt on waist. He was not wearing a dress, but more of a sophisticated number of a skirt and a flowery lace shirt.

"But this is mental!" James repeated, looking at his body in revulsion. One, because he was wearing a red dress, and two, because it seemed to suit him. "Why does it appear as if I've seen this dress before?"

"One word: alcohol," Remus said simply, repositioning the wig on his head. He now owned black hair that cascaded past his shoulders, and he did not like having long hair due to the fact that it kept irritating him by covering his eyes and also kept getting dangled around his neck. He was certainly glad he was not a girl... or Sirius Black.

"Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?" James asked bitterly. He straightened the wig on his head, light blonde wavy tresses that were a drastic colour change from his dark messy brown.

"Trust me, cross-dressing was not on my list of Things To Do Today."

"Cross-dressing was not on my list of Things To Do Ever," James retorted. "Merlin knows why Sirius owns all this fancy dress stuff," he said with disgust.

"You know Sirius. He protests his girlfriends thought the costumes were 'kinky'." Remus examined a pair of tight leather trousers from arm's length and tossed it back into the chest.

"Are we done now? Or do you want to put make-up or condition your hair or something?" teased James.

Remus pulled a face at him. "Alright, we can go. I think we've been disguised enough - but you have to wear these." He handed James horrid objects of torture: high heel shoes.

"No! No, no, no!" James cried at once, backing away. He shielded his eyes as though the footwear would blind him. "I am NOT wearing those... those things!"

Remus sighed in exasperation. "You can't wear those school shoes with that dress," he pointed out, thrusting the high heels towards him.

James batted his hand away. "Since when have you become the bloody fashion consultant?"

"Just put them on! You're wasting time."

"No way!" James shook his head. "They are practically towers on your feet! They lift you at least five foot off the ground!" he complained.

"I think you mean five inches. Besides, you play Quidditch! You're used to heights." Remus smiled in satisfaction as James failed to find an excuse for his great Quidditchabilities.

"Whatever!" James answered childishly. "I'm not wearing them so you can stick those heel high things up your arse."

"You'll wear them," Remus threatened, sounding oddly like a parent, "or you won't go at all."

"I am going and without wearing those bloody shoes."

"No, seriously, you have to wear them because Sirius took your school shoes."

"What? No he-" James started to argue, then stared down at his bare feet. "Bastard!" He grabbed the disgusting shoes from Remus and swiftly put them on. "They're my new ones as well! Sirius burnt my last ones. I had to walk around with holes in them for two sodding weeks!"

"Okay then." Remus dusted off his girly clothes and put on a pair of flat sandals he's found, much to James' annoyance.

"Let's get this over with." James flicked his blonde hair over his shoulder and walked unstably towards the exit of the dorm.

"I think James has man boobs," Sirius decided, examining his chest. "What do you think, Wormtail?"

"No comment," replied Peter. Watching Sirius in James' body clutching his chest was rather horrifying. "Shouldn't we get back to the plan?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius remembered. They were walking along the corridor and had just passed the Great hall and got momentarily distracted by the food, now munching on fairy cakes. "Right, finding whatserface," Sirius said, lips plastered with cake crumbs. "We've checked the library and all those bookworm places. Let's check the grounds."

Peter moaned, "But it's cold outside."

"Well, you should have brought a jumper."

"But it would have covered my shirt." Peter readjusted his dark glasses, puffing out his chest.

"Right..." Sirius shot Peter an odd look. "Let's go outside," he said again in the need of fresh air.

"Ow, ow, OW!" howled James, stopping in the corridor and leaning against the wall for the twentieth time in the last ten minutes. James and Remus had gotten some curious looks as they walked around the castle. Students had simply thought they were girls visiting from another school that dressed very extravagantly with matching low male voices.

"Bloody girly shoes!" James lifted a leg up and rubbed his foot that was covered in blisters.

"We have to keep moving or we'll never find Sirius in time," Remus pressed, dragging James by the arm. James stumbled as he was balancing on one leg, being literally pulled by himself. He would never get used to be being ordered by someone that looked exactly like him.

"I've never felt like punching myself in the face until now," James said under his breath.

"I don't know where on earth Lily or Sirius is. We'll have to ask someone," Remus suggested.

As if on cue, a passing seventh year Slytherin walking down the corridor spotted them. Coking an eyebrow along with a cheeky smile, the boy approached them.

"Hello there, ladies," the Slytherin growled, cornering James and Remus against a wall. James frowned at the stranger whilst Remus smacked James on the arm for coming across as rude.

"Hello there," Remus greeted the boy politely, changing his voice higher to match a girl's, much too high that it sounded squeaky like a chipmunk.

"Hello," James put in unenthusiastically. Remus glared at him, ordering with his eyes to act more like a girl or they may be found out. "I mean," James feigned a smile and fluttered his eyelashes, twisting a strand of his fake blonde hair around his finger. "Hi!" he said brightly, too brightly then he nearly deafened the Slytherin.

The nameless boy smiled, more relaxed at James' sudden attentiveness. "I've never seen you two here before. What's your names?"

"My name's Re-" Remus abruptly stopped when he realised he was just about to give his real name. "Er, Re-anna! My name's Rhiana!"

"Who's your sister?" The boy asked, figuring Remus and James were related due to their exact faces.

"Ja-" Remus quickly stepped on his foot before he made the same mistake of giving his boy name when he was posing as a girl. "Ja-melia. It's Jamelia," James grunted.

"Are you visiting from another school?" The Slytherin asked with curiosity.

"Um, yeah," Remus agreed uncertainly. "We're from... Beauxbatons?" He remembered the name of the school from a book he'd read.

"Beauxbatons, really?"

James rolled his eyes. "No, we're lying," he replied dryly. Immediately, Remus burst into fake anxious laughter and forced James to join in.

"Ignore my sister!" Remus squeaked. "She's just shy."

James scowled, folding his arms in a blatant mood.

"So you're, like, from France?" The Slytherin questioned.

James barked a laugh. "Beauxbatons isn't in France, you tit."

Remus exasperatingly shook his head in frustration.

"I think you'll find it is," the Slytherin rectified, shooting James an odd look.

"Ignore Jamelia!" Remus faked laughter once more. "We've just been visiting the Astronomy classroom. She's smelled too much of the fumes!"

James sneered at the Slytherin when he wasn't looking.

"Right, so... your accents, they don't sound very French," the boy noticed.

"We're from Scotland," James blurted out. Remus gave him a bizarre look, wondering what on earth possessed James to say that.

"Scotland? But you don't have Scottish accents."

"We were brought up in England," Remus lied hesitantly.

"Then we moved to France." James went on.

"And went to Beauxbatons," Remus finished.

"Wow," the boy said in interest. "You've certainly travelled a lot."

"Yes. We know French," James conjured with arrogance. Remus looked at him furiously for the ridiculous things he was making up; if he was going to lie, then at least make up something remotely believable.

"I know French too," the Slytherin announced. James and Remus' faces dropped in worry. "Vous les deux regard étourdissant magnifiquement. Etes-vous les deuxseul?"

The boys turned white. Neither of them knew what the hell he was rambling on about, although they had a feeling he was flirting with them both.

"Wee?" James answered uncertainly, remembering Sirius telling him that either the word 'piss' or 'wee' was 'yes' in French. His lucky guess was right and the Slytherinlooked happy at his answer.

"Un baiser dans votre pays n'est-il pas une salutation de bonjour? Est-ce que ça vous ennuierait si je vous ai embrassé les deux?" the Slytherin asked, winking.

"Er...Wee?" James repeated again, wishing this conversation would be over very, very soon. The boy somehow brightened even more at his reply and leaned towards him and Remus with pouted lips and closed eyes.

"Um, we were looking for James Potter!" Remus yelled, putting his hands in front of his face, whilst James had frozen with horror and disgust at what the Slytherin nearly did with his dirty mouth. The boy swiftly opened his eyes and stopped closing towards them.

"James Potter?" he said disappointedly, backing away from them.

"Yeah, that gorgeous hunk," James made a smug smile. "The one who's got the balls to hit on someone in English."

The Slytherin glared at him. "He's tried for sixth years to do that with Lily Evans and has failed." He glowered and James advanced forward.

"So, do you know where he is?" Remus interrupted, pushing James back. TheSlytherin smiled at Remus, taking a shine to him and not to his blonde sister.

"I think I saw him going to the lake with Pettigrew," the boy mentioned.

"Thanks! We must get going!" Remus said hurriedly, dragging James by the arm - he looked as if he might remove the high heel from his shoe and stab the boy in the head.

"High heel! More like high hell," James muttered painfully, stumbling as he ran down the corridor and towards the entrance of the school.

The Slytherin watched them retreat down the corridor wearing a puzzled expression. "Weird sisters... French birds are strange," he noted.

Lily stood by the lake, inches away from the water as she looked at her reflection. Her mind was distracted, currently doodling initials of a certain 'J' and 'P' in the notebook she was holding loosely in her hand. She had been daydreaming until a sudden shout startled her, nearly making her fall in the water.

"BOOO!" Sirius yelled, poking Lily's back to get an even more scaring effect.

"AARGH!" Lily shouted, holding onto the apparent James' arm as she nearly stumbled into the water. She pulled away from him once she'd regained her balance, recognizing the boy.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" she asked uncomfortably, shutting the notebook away from his suspicious eyes.

"I've been looking for you, Evans," Sirius growled with seductiveness. Lily frowned at the messy haired boy.

"Well, I like to go to the lake to be alone," she emphasized, turning her attention to the squid splashing in the water.

"No, Evans, you misunderstand," Sirius spoke in a deep voice, only making Lily narrow her eyes. "I've been looking for someone like you all my life."

The redhead reddened familiarly with anger. "Will you shut up with your cheesy chat-up lines! Why can't you just be yourself?"

"Don't deny your love for me, Evans."

"My love for you?" Lily gaped at him. "I can't believe how arrogant you are!" she said in disbelief. "It's unsettling!"

"All the things I do, I do for you, Evans!" Sirius said theatrically, grabbing her hand. Furious than ever, she snatched her hand away and hit him with her notebook.

"Get-over-yourself!" she said in between smacks. Sirius shielded his head pathetically.

"C'mon, Evans. I do everything for you! I make you dinner-"

"You have never made me a meal except for that frog spawn soup you gave me in the Hospital Wing once when I was ill!"

Sirius laughed. "That was great prank I did," he said smugly. Of course, Sirius had been the culprit to change James' bowl of chicken soup for a laugh. Sirius grew buck teeth after James found out.

"I do your laundry!" Sirius protested.

"You stole my underwear!" Lily yelled indignantly.

"I needed a bra to fling stones at the birds!" Sirius argued. "They were pooping on the windows!"

Lily cried out in frustration. "When will you ever grow up? A six year old has more maturity than you posses!"

"But I clean your dishes!"

"You licked my plate of remains of gravy with your tongue," she said distastefully. Sirius had to cringe, admitting that the particular James Potter moment of cleaning Lily's plates to get her germs was not one of James' finest hours.

"So what if James is a disgusting pig? Will you just go out with him, so he will stop stalking you and interrupting my busy schedule with beautiful girls by thinking of multiple ways of ending his life?"

"Why are you referring to yourself as a third person?"

"Err..." Sirius winced, realizing he would have to go onto Plan C of the many 'great plans' of winning Evans over. Quickly, Sirius signalled to Peter who'd been hiding behind a nearby bush. Peter nodded in understanding and revealed himself, wailing as he ran up to Lily.

"What on earth is that noise?" she murmured, wondering why she could hear a bloke's deafening animal call. She turned around and was greeted with PeterPettigrew, shrieking as he pushed her in the lake. Her body hit the water with an almighty splash.

"Ta, Wormtail," Sirius thanked him, because there was an actual plan to Lily being pushed in the water. Somehow putting Lily in danger and 'James' saving her would apparently make the red haired beauty fall in love with him, in only idiot's eyes.

Lily was currently drowning in the lake.

"Oh my goodness!" a boy said from the edge of the water, eyes widening as he saw Lily wailing her arms and legs in panic. A crowd of students had gathered by the lake now, everyone becoming upset; girls screaming unnecessarily, people pretending they knew Lily to get involved and gain sympathy from others.

"Don't worry, I'll save you!" the boy yelled to Lily, throwing off his robes and intending to enter the lake.

Sirius quickly stopped him. "Oi, get your own drowning girl."

The boy frowned confusedly at him, but nonetheless backed off.

Sirius pulled off his robes and graciously took his time whilst he undressed to save Lily's life.

"Er, Sirius, maybe you should hurry up?" Peter suggested, pointing to the lake where Lily was yelping. Her arms were waving in the air as she cried for help, her head slowly going under.

"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm coming," Sirius replied nonchalantly. He made a run up and then dived into the water of the lake; Peter was unfortunately splashed from head to foot in the process.

"My shirt!" Peter fell over from the impact of the water.

Sirius landed in the lake, coughing for air as his head surfaced in the water. He could make out Lily by his side, desperately trying to breathe as the water was climbing into her mouth and ears.

This was the moment when Sirius realised that he couldn't swim.

"HELP!" he screamed pathetically, using Lily as some sort of float, which didn't help as he made Lily's head sink further under water. "HELP MEEEEE!"

"What's going on down there?" Remus asked, as he and James wandered across the grounds. Gathered by the lake was a crowd of screaming students in complete chaos.

"Hey, scuse me," James asked a hysterical third year who was running back towards the school. "What's going on?"

The girl looked at 'her' strangely, wondering why 'she' had such a low voice for a girl and what possessed 'her' to wear such a hideous dress.

"Haven't you heard? Apparently some couple are trying to commit some love pact suicide by drowning themselves in the lake," the girl said, before running off. James and Remus wore the same horrified look, sprinting off.

"Move! Let me through," James commanded, pushing past a swarm of second years who were pointing towards the water. "Don't make me stab your eyes out with my high heels!" he yelled threateningly. The second years quickly made space for him to pass.

Finally the boys managed to get themselves through the throng of people and gaped in horror to find Sirius and Lily submerged in the water. Remus looked to Peter who was sitting on the ground, deeply upset and mumbling something about his pink fuchsia t-shirt being ruined.

"HELP MEEE!" Sirius was hollering.

"I thought James Potter could swim?" a girl asked her friend.

"Apparently not."

"Oh God! Lily!" James bawled in horror, watching her struggle to keep her head above the water. The fact that she was not screaming for help, or at least screaming insults at James, was very worrying. James didn't particularly care about Sirius at this time; Sirius had pulled out his hair and was the reason why he was wearing a dress. In James' opinion, he could drown if he wanted.

"LILY! I'll save you!" James bravely called, taking off his 'loved' shoes.

"Who's she?" A boy asked.

"Dunno. She has a very low voice and from what I can see, a slight stubble too," his friend replied.

However, James was too late to be the hero and rescue Lily as the Giant squid living in the lake had finally reacted to the two drowning students in the water. The creature picked the two up by its tentacles and the students gasped as the squid lifted the two from the depths of the murky water and dropped them back on land Everyone burst into applause at the Giant squid's heroics.

"That should be my clapping," Sirius spurted water out of his mouth. Remus swiftly hit him in the back of the head - one, because he was stupid, and two, because he was very, very stupid. In that order.

"Moony, you're ebony haired," Sirius mentioned. Remus tried and failed to look as if he was not bothered that he was turning red as a tomato and standing in a flowery shirt and skirt.

"You're extremely wet," Remus retorted dumbly.

"I'd say that you have more of a right to be embarrassed right now."

"You squealed like a girl."

"You are a girl," Peter pointed out, pushing his dark glasses further up his nose. Remus had no sharp retort to this, so instead took his attention to the real James who looked on the verge of weeping.

"Lily," he whispered, his wig falling off his head and onto the grass. He dropped to his knees and positioned Lily's head on his lap. The girl looked awfully pale and didn't appear to be breathing.

"I think she needs resuscitation," Remus suggested, and regretted his words when he saw the sudden grins on James and the other James' face.

"This is the best day of my life," James announced blissfully, puckering his lips as he tilted his head towards the redhead of his dreams.

Unfortunately, Lily woke up.

Her eyes shot open and she coughed up water into James' face. He squealed as his face was drenched.

"What happened?" she asked groggily, trying to pick her head up but only resulted in falling back down onto James' knees. She focused on the worried James Potter hovering above her wearing a sparkling red dress, then turned to another wet and soggy James Potter that was lying next to her. Her sight finally landed on a James Potter that was standing beside her dressed in a stylish skirt and shirt of roses.

"Three James Potters?" she mumbled sluggishly, then blacked out.

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