Chapter 4-More Siriusly Absurd Ideas

"Moony!" Sirius ran over to Remus who had been reading a book in peace until his friend jumped on him and his face was suddenly overwhelmed by a head of black hair, and strangely fuchsia. Sirius was looking comically upset as he came up to Remus, Peter at his side wearing the trendy t-shirt displaying James' mother.

"What?" asked Remus distractedly, not taking his eyes off his book. Sirius sighed at him, grabbed Remus' book from his lap and tossed it into the common room fire.

"SIRIUS!" cried Remus, watching as the pages of his book burned in the fireplace. "That's the third book this week! You have got to stop doing that."

"I did it for your own good," Sirius replied. Remus was not at all grateful for his so-called act of good will.

"Come on, Remus, books don't teach you nothing!" Peter said, and Sirius nodded along in agreement. "It's not what's in here." Peter pointed to his head, which Remus was guessing was empty. "It's about what's in here that matters," he patted his chest, supposedly indicating to his heart. Remus might have took him seriously if he'd not hit his chest too hard, which resulted in Peter making a painful "ow".

"Wormtail, please, stop wearing that shirt," Remus pleaded. Ever since he'd worn it he'd taken on a new persona non grata, involving characteristics of a hippy and a permanent feeling of being high.

"I swear Pete has an obsession with James' mum," teased Sirius, poking him in the stomach.

"I'll have you know that I dress better than the average wizard." Peter puffed out his chest.

"Would your example of an average wizard be Sirius? Because Sirius dresses like a clown," Remus mentioned.

"I told you already, the red shoes are trendy! Red is the new black!" Sirius informed his friends.

"Oh God," Remus muttered, purely horrified by the conversation. He took a seat back on one of the common room chairs. He hoped the chair would swiftly eat him up or drown him in the cushions.

"Anyways," Sirius went on to his true purpose to finding Remus. "I have news of the grave-"

"Grave news," Remus tried to correct.

"Yeah, that's the one," Sirius said. "Well, Prongs is-"

"Missing?" Remus presumed.

"How did you know?"

Remus sighed, "Lucky guess."

"Have you seen him?"

"I think he might be upstairs in the dorm. If not, check the bathrooms," Remus recommended. "He's still dejected about Lily hating him so he may possibly be trying to kill himself again."

"It's becoming a daily habit. I think we should be worried," Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus eyed him with suspicion. "Sirius, you didn't send out the search party again did you?"

"Of course not," he scoffed. "Another hour and I will, though."

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius and Peter's exited up to the dormitories.

Just as Peter was about to push open the door to their dorm, Sirius stopped him.

"Five galleons Prongs is smothering himself with a cushion," Sirius wagered.

"Five he's drowning himself in a sink."

"You are so going to lose," Sirius said, shaking hands with Peter to secure the deal. "Prongs' head is too big to fit in the sink," he spoke matter-of-factly.

"Do you think we're bad friends for betting on which choice of suicide he's currently doing?" Peter asked.

"No, Wormtail. We're not bad friends," Sirius disagreed. "We're bad people."

Peter was slightly confused by the answer, but nonetheless entered the dormitory behind Sirius. They happily found James not so happily in a good mood. He was presently trying to hang himself with a tie, using the top curtain railing of his bed as the place to tie himself from.

"Bugger!" Sirius and Peter cursed in unison. "Neither of us won the bet!"

It was amazing how much they cared about James' well being.

"Go away, let me hang myself in peace," James shooed them off as he stood on bed unsuccessfully trying to tie a knot in his choking instrument.

"Thank God that rhyming spell only lasted a day," Sirius said with relief. "Prongs, you stupid arse," he marched up to James and tried to grab the tie from his hands. It was a struggle, and James was even using his teeth as a weapon to not give in.

"OW!" Sirius cried out as James' mouth gnawed at his hand. Sirius finally managed to pulled the tie off James and put it in the one place he knew James would never go: down his pants.

"That was my only tie," James said sullenly, staring at the tie in its hidden place, but then directed his gaze elsewhere because that hidden place was Sirius' crotch. "You're buying me a new one," he informed, not wanting the particular tie to be returned, even after being washed. James depressingly collapsed on his bed, face down in his duvet, not caring if he couldn't breathe.

"Come on, I must have won the bet. I was closer because he's near pillows," Sirius said. Peter nodded and handed over his galleons.

"Are you okay, Prongs?" Peter asked with odd kindness, but his good nature was let down by the fact that he was looking at himself in the full length mirror of their dorm, admiring his precious fuchsia shirt and body.

"Let's see, in the past two days Evans caught me in broom closet and shouted at me. Then shouted at me for cursing Derrick. Then shouted at me for speaking in rhyme. Then nearly shouted at me for it somehow being my fault for her head to be smothered with nets." James glared at Sirius fully. "But that time she didn't shout because she was so angry. So let's see, somehow your 'great plan', Padfoot, has made everything worse."

"Define worse?"

"As if I'd just walked into a pit of woodlice, which is a bad enough misfortune, then a swarm of Bowtruckles have come along and started eating my woodlice-ed flesh."

"Well, you've got to be really stupid to walk into a pit of woodlice," Sirius laughed.

"I dunno, see, I know a few stupid people..."

"Hey!" Sirius cried, realising who James was referring to.

"Seriously, guys," Peter began, trying to look at a particular body feature in the mirror which he seemed to prove very difficult. "Does my bottom look big in this?"

"Pete, how can a shirt make your bottom look big?"

"You never know, it might have one of those engorgement charms," Peter pointed out.

"Will you both just go away?" James pleaded. "Let me wallow in my own self pity."

"But if we did that we wouldn't be great friends now, would we?" Sirius said with a grin, jumping on to James' bed and somehow making James fling in the air and topple onto the floor.

"Arse," James muttered, exhaling noisily on the floor, his new spot to wallow in self pity.

"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. James immediately panicked.

"Oh no, don't tell me you've got another plan. I don't want to hear it, Sirius." James blocked his ears.

"But this plan is really, really good!" Sirius protested, jumping excitedly on James' bed like a hyperactive six-year old.

"You'll break my mattress, you pillock!" James yelled. Sirius carried on jumping as if it were a bouncy castle; until his head connected with the ceiling - then he decided to stop.

"Ow," Sirius muttered painfully. "Anyway, I have a great plan that involves a Polyjuicepotion," he sang.

"A Polyjuice potion?" James repeated anxiously.

"What are you, a parrot? Jeez, a Polyjuice potion!"

"But they take at least a month to make," James reminded him, glad of this factor because this 'great plan' of Sirius' would undoubtedly go wrong.

"Ahar," Sirius replied knowingly and made a signal to Peter. "If you would reveal,Wormtail?"

Peter looked a bit annoyed from being interrupted his mirror-examining, but walked over to Sirius' bed anyway and pulled a cauldron of bubbling, muddy potion from underneath it.

"You've been keeping a cauldron of Polyjuice potion under your bed?" James exclaimed, wincing at the sight of the disgusting liquid.

"You don't want to know what's under my bed," Sirius replied mysteriously, winking.

"So how exactly will Polyjuice potion make Evans fall in love with me?" James enquired.

"Wormtail, explain."

Peter tried to remember the instructions. "Sirius will use the potion to turn into you and then... seduce Evans!"

"What?" James spat in disbelief.

"Genius, isn't it?" Sirius said. "Like I always say: if Prongs can't get a job done, then do it yourself."

"...You've never said that," Peter pointed out.

"Since now," Sirius added.

"Are you insane?" James looked at Sirius as if he'd turned down the offer of free chocolate. "You're not turning into me! No-bloody-way!"

"Tough luck, Potter." Unexpectedly, Sirius jumped from the bed and onto James' back. He cried out loudly in pain.

"What are you doing?" James yelled indignantly. "Get off me!"

Sitting on him, Sirius twisted his arms behind his back and tied them up whilst James struggled.

"Tie his legs, Wormtail," Sirius commanded. He swore as James' wiggling headbutted his jaw. "Stop moving!"

"I'm going to kill you two! Let go of me! Rape!" James shouted, hoping it would get catch attention of some kind from outside their dorm and get him out of this horrific yet humorous situation; not caring if he was getting the wrong sort.

Peter howled in pain as James' furious jerking feet smacked him in the nose.

"HELP!" James carried on screaming. "RAPE! RA-"

Sirius swiftly stuffed a sock in his mouth. "There we go." He climbed off James and rubbed his hands together to signal a job well done. James lay on the floor, hands and legs tied and mouth blocked with a smelly sock that had belonged on the floor for the past six years.

"Muuuffttt fuuuccchh," James mumbled, mouth full of cotton.

"Prongs," Sirius shook his head disappointingly at James, guessing whatever he'd definitely not for young ears to hear. "No bad language in front of the children!"

Peter yelped as he quickly found himself deaf, but then realised it was only because Sirius' hands were covering his ears.

"Right-o." Sirius walked over to the cauldron that was placed on the floor.

"It's ready, Padfoot," Peter informed, stirring the potion with his wand.

Sirius brightened. "Now all we need is the hair…"

James promptly made unrecognisable noises of protest and shook his head in frenzy.

"Don't worry, Prongs. All I need is a strand or two. But we'll make it a clump just to be on the safe side," Sirius added to Peter. James formed a muffled yelp at this information and tried to roll across the floor as some form of escape, but Sirius had pounced on him again.

"Look, Prongs, I'll do a countdown," Sirius put his foot on James' back to prevent him from moving. "On the count of three, I'll put out a hair."

James furiously shook his head in response. Of course, Sirius ignored him.

"One," he counted, then swiftly thrust his hand forward and pulled out a fistful of hair. James silently roared of agony, clamping his teeth down on the sock currently choking him. He glared at Sirius for the shortened countdown.

"He lied," Peter said in what he thought was a helpful tone. James grumbled angrily and tried to get to his feet, but only stumbled and fell back on the floor.

"Ah, bless him." Sirius dropped the strands of hair in a glass of potion he'd scooped up and the liquid turned a strange blue. "Hmm, matches your mood, Prongs," he commented.

Peter sniffed the mixture. "It smells foul," he pointed out the obvious.

"Thanks for the encouragement," Sirius remarked, kicking off his shoes and changing into some stolen clothes belonging to James.

"Well," Sirius began with odd anxiety, examining the blue draught. "Cheers." He held the glass high; Peter sent him an uncertain smile of good luck. Sirius tilted his head and back and swallowed a gulp of the potion, slamming the glass back down on the bedside table once finished.

"Oh boy." Sirius stumbled, clutching his stomach that felt swimming with wriggling worms. He felt his skin melting and bubbling on the surface. Peter and James' eyes widened as they watched Sirius transform before their eyes; the boy groaned in pain as he felt himself become taller, his face remodelling and hair shortening in length.

"AARGH!" Sirius shrieked, blinking deliberately on purpose. "I'M BLIND!"

This, of course, was great exaggeration. His sight slightly blurry and out of vision because his sight was no longer a Sirius Sight, but now a James Sight. Peter conjured up glasses using his wand and put them on Sirius who sighed with relief.

"Ah, so that's what they're for." Sirius straightened the glasses on his nose. James sent him an annoyed look of exasperation.

"Wow," Peter said under his breath, staring at Sirius who was now James' identical twin. Sirius excitedly ran up to the full length mirror and observed his new body.

"Well, you certainly have firmer buttocks than me," Sirius discovered, feeling his new bottom. James looked outraged. "So, Plan B of seducing Evans has begun." He did a famous James Potter ruffle through his hair and grinned to the real James who was still muffling obscene insults at him. "I'll see you in an hour or two," Sirius told him, patting him on the back. "But you never know, it could be shorter. It sometimes takes me seconds for a girl to fall at my feet," he clicked his fingers.

Peter chuckled to himself, Sirius' charm was not that good - or even good at all. The new 'James' grinned in anticipation and made his way towards the exit of the dorm.

"Um... Sirius?" Peter asked, stopping him.

"What?"

Peter looked at him strangely, still a little confused by the fact that there were two James' in the room, and that the 'James' he was talking to was actually Sirius Black.

"Shouldn't we do something about Prongs?"

A glimmer of hope rose in the real James Potter's stomach. For a second, he thought that maybe this was some sort of joke and that his two supposed friends would release him.

"Oh yeah," Sirius realised, scratching his chin. "Let's hide him in the bathroom."

James' jaw somehow dropped, although it was stuffed by a sock. He whimpered as Sirius and Peter dragged him by the arms and legs and positioned him next to the (thankfully flushed) toilet. They waved goodbye to him as they shut the door.

The second he was alone, he tried again to stand up, but that only lead to his head colliding painfully with the bathroom sink, also knocking over a few toiletries and somehow getting him covered in toothpaste.

Remus sat by the common room fire slowly nodding off. Although it was past midday on a Sunday, he had a lack of books to read as most of them had been set on fire by Sirius, so sat in boredom in the common room. He sighed, getting to his feet and intending to go up to the dorm to find out whether Sirius and Peter had found their 'lost' Marauder again. However, he saw James-who was in fact Sirius-tumbling down the staircase with Peter closely behind.

"Hello there!" Sirius cried mightily, running up to Remus and punching him in the arm in a brotherly way. Remus never got the attitude of brotherly ways and clutched his arm in pain.

"Hello. There." Remus replied uncertainly, wondering why James was in such a good mood after being thoroughly depressed about Lily's lack of love towards him. His eyes landed on Peter who had found a pair of dark glasses, wearing them to match his cool t-shirt.

"You're wearing them to protect your eyes from that bright shirt?" Remus suggested. Peter gasped at him.

"Moony, you are hilarious!" Sirius punched him on the arm again.

"Ow! What's up with you, James?" Remus asked confusedly, rubbing his shoulder. For a few seconds, Sirius forgot that he was in fact James Potter and how was now called 'James', so daydreamed as he gazed at a few girls on the other side of the common room.

"James?"

Sirius stared on blankly.

"Prongs?" Remus repeated louder. Panicking, Peter elbowed Sirius in the stomach and he snapped to attention.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that's me!" Sirius laughed merrily.

"He's James Potter," Peter added.

Remus gave him an odd look. "Yes, Peter… I can see that."

Sirius and Peter feigned laughter whilst Remus wondered if they'd been smoking something illegal upstairs.

"So, I bet you're wondering where that handsome fellow Sirius Black is? Right?" Sirius changed the subject.

Remus frowned. "Not really those exact words…"

"Well, he's... er... snogging that seventh year girl from Ravenclaw, Marianne Smith," Sirius explained, heartily pleased for thinking up an excuse for his absence. Remus abruptly burst into laughter.

"Prongs, you're kidding, right?" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "She hates him, remember?"

"No she doesn't!" Sirius argued.

"Yeah she does," Remus thought he was reminding 'James'. "Remember when she told us that she's rather kiss a Chimera than go anywhere Padfoot's mouth!" he laughed, clutching his stomach.

"Oh yeah," Sirius said bitterly, not liking the new details he'd learned. "Ha ha... She's in denial, that one…"

"Right," Remus cocked his head in confusion. "Whatever you say, Prongs."

"Anyway," Sirius pulled Peter by the arm and walked hurriedly towards the portrait. "Must dash! Things to do!"

"Where are you going?" Remus enquired, disappointed it seemed he wasn't involved.

"To seduce Evans." Sirius winked.

"No, seriously, where are you going?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Is it so hard to hear that James Potter is going to win over Evans?" he asked him, then repeated the question in his mind and realised that it did seem pretty unbelievable. Just as Sirius and Peter were about to step through the exit, Sirius quickly remembered a significant note.

"Don't go upstairs, Moony!" Sirius warned him. Remus raised his eyebrows in suspicion. "Not that there's anything dodgy up there… But er, just, stay down here! Okay? Ta-ta!" He waved.

"He's James Potter," Peter added again, pointing to Sirius as he followed him through the portrait.

Remus definitely believed his theory that they'd smoked something illegal upstairs.

With a sigh, he watched them leave the common room. Nevertheless, he decided to follow his instincts, ignore Sirius' advice and go up to the dorm anyway. He ambled up the stairs, pushed the door open and discovered the dorm to be empty and relatively normal: their dorm was still ridiculously messy and still smelt oddly of chocolate.

Shrugging his shoulders, he walked over to his bed and tiredly collapsed onto it. He yawned, his eyes shut and hand clutching his neck, all of a sudden rather thirsty. Sluggishly, he reached over to the bedside table, feeling a glass with his fingers and guessing it to be full of water, putting it to his lips. It was only until he opened his eyes, swallowing the blue liquid, that he realised it was not water.

"What the-" he began in horror, wincing at the taste of the liquid and aware that there were strands of hair falling out of his mouth. He felt sudden uncontrollable churning in his stomach. He staggered to his feet, groaning in pain as he felt his skin bubbling - which he never thought was humanly possible until now. His limbs and face were sore and his clothes seemed to be shrinking – or, more correctly, he was growing. With the abrupt feeling of sickness, he quickly ran to the dorm bathroom and opened the door in need of the toilet.

"Huh?" Remus said confusedly. "My eyes..." His vision was suddenly blurred, though he could make out a person lying on the bathroom floor. He fumbled for his reading glasses in his pocket and put them on; his sight still slightly obscured but enough to make out who the boy was laying in front of him.

"James?" Remus said in disbelief, wondering why or even how James had managed to get himself tied up in the bathroom, strangely covered in toothpaste, when he'd seen him minutes earlier leaving the common room with Peter.

"Mufffhhh," James mumbled with the sock in his mouth, glaring at him, and Remus wondered what on earth he'd done wrong to be glowered at. Now feeling marginally normal and no signs of being ill, he glanced at the bathroom mirror and then turned back to James.

Remus' eyes then widened in realisation, turning back to the mirror for a second look.

"AAARGH!"

His reflection as James Potter stared back at him.

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Hehe... I see I'm a on a Roll! And no i am not really sitting on a roll.. Do tell if you like! Lol.... I cant even write this A/N! I'm writing with only one hand... :/ My tortoise bit my finger and now i have flesh wound which makes my blood look like jelly....? yeah I'm weird... And i hate blood!!

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