Chapter 25- Frisky Sevvy

"A midnight picnic in the moonlight. This is…wonderful. I'm absolutely…thrilled."

Snape didn't notice Remus' dry tone.

He sat with his knees tightly against his chest, ridged on the blanket Snape had laid out for them to sit on. They were sitting in the gloominess of Hogwarts grounds and Remus could distinctively feel blowing in his ear and thought it was either: the breeze, Sirius' and Peter's childish behaviour under the cloak, or Snape's twisted act of seducing.

Remus knew Sirius and Peter were watching invisibly - those hovering twigs and leaves looked mighty suspicious, and Remus remembered both boys having a fascination with throwing them up into the air like confetti.

"What I wouldn't give for a full moon night now…" Remus muttered, glaring at the crescent moon which tormented him from above.

Snape dug a hand into the picnic basket, which very much worried Remus about where it had come from and why it had a slight feminine design to it. "Sandwich?" he offered.

"Er…sure," Remus answered hesitantly, taking the grub. He found it tasted pleasant and guessed the house-elves must have made them because Snape didn't look like the person to excel in cuisine.

Remus started violently choking on bread as Snape had grabbed his thigh.

"Are you alright?" Snape smacked Remus' back multiple times, nearly threatening his wig to come off. "Do you want a drink?" he asked, digging up a bottle of what resembled juice from the picnic basket.

Remus nodded with watering eyes and grabbed the bottle, chugging down the drink. With a strong grimace, he recognized the drink to be alcohol of some kind.

"Is this…sherry?" Remus spurted, nibbling back on his sandwich whilst he tried to control his panicked state. "Are you trying to get me inebriated?"

Snape raised an eyebrow wickedly. "Maybe," he teased, replacing his hand back on to Remus' thigh.

Again, Remus started choking.

"Maybe you shouldn't eat," Snape suggested, taking the sandwich from Remus' hand.

Remus felt a pang of disappointment as that chicken sandwich had been quite delectable and could see it suddenly hover in the air and disappear within seconds, most undoubtedly eaten by the invisible Sirius.

"It's a little chilly," Remus said, rubbing the Goosebumps on his arm.

"This'll warm you up."

Snape started removing his robe.

"OH MERLIN!" Remus leapt from the blanket and backed away from the boy. "Why are you removing your clothes? I am NOT going to perform ANY sort of sexual relations with you!"

Snape put his hands in the air in defence as he remained on the ground, a look of amusement on his face. "Calm down, Rhianna. I was just going to offer you my robe."

Remus reddened. "Oh…" he said shamefully. "Well, since its a little cold now, maybe we should be getting ba-aaaack!" His sentence drawled into a scream as a swift kick to his buttocks, most probably by Sirius, booted him forwards. Remus practically flew in his heels, and before he knew it, he had landed on Snape's lap.

Snape asked huskily, "Comfy there?"

"AAAAARGH!"

He had not expected that type of reaction.

A swift smack by Sirius to Remus' head made him focus.

"Sorry, I'm just so embarrassed," Remus said a high-pitched voice. He fluttered his eyelashes continuously and remained frozen on Snape's lap, unsure what limbs to move so settled with moving none.

Snape smirked and looked down at Remus, including down at his chest. He pulled up his cleavage before tissue was exposed.

"I take it you're one of those priggish girls, then?" Snape guessed.

Remus shivered. "Yes. I feel so unclean…" he trailed off. His eyes' bulged as he felt sudden movement in Snape's lap. "Something appears to be elevating near your groin area—maybe I should be standing now!"

Remus managed to scramble off Snape's lap and stood again, dusting his knees and bottom. "I'd like to go back to the castle now," he announced, folding his arms in displeasure.

Snape looked sullen. "Are you quite sure?"

Remus made a breath of indignation as Sirius and Peter double-stomped on his feet - clearly Snape being disappointed was not part of The Plan.

"Um…" Remus fumbled, preparing himself for what he was about to say next, "We could, er, continue this tomorrow. Preferably in daylight."

"Really? Tomorrow?" Snape said hopefully.

Remus tried to disguise the wince on his face into a tired yawn from such a 'passionate' night with Snape. "Er…sure. I promise."

Monsieur Lupin always kept promises, but he knew he wouldn't be keeping this one. He would spend the entire day of tomorrow hiding in the library. That's what he needed. Books. Comfort in books. Books were his friends. His only friends. They didn't give you bloody Polyjuice potion to turn you into one of your best friends and become a transvestite.

Within minutes, the blanket and picnic basket were packed away and Remus and Snape were walking one of the bare corridors of Hogwarts castle.

"Rhiana, must you walk so for away from me?"

Grudgingly moments before Remus had accepted to hold Snape's hand but it was clear he did not take pleasure in any type of physical contact. Their hands were holding at arm's length and nearly at shoulder height, where Remus seemed to be sliding against one of the corridor walls.

Snape stopped, looking hurt. "You do enjoy my company…don't you?"

Remus was getting rather tired of reassuring his 'feelings' for Snape. "Yes," Remus comforted him, "I was merely just admiring the corridor walls. Aren't they, er, decorative?"

"Watch where you're sliding against, mister!" A painting complained.

Snape tugged Remus forward and he reluctantly walked closer towards him.

Rhiana felt yet another pinch to his bottom for the third time that night.

Remus tried to disguise his disgruntled self with a shrill laugh. "Severus, please," he gritted through his teeth, "Do behave yourself."

Snape gave him a blank look as they continued to walk in the corridor. "What?"

Remus flushed, trying to hide behind his long ebony hair. "You just pinched…my bottom," he said with much discomfort.

"No, I didn't," Snape replied, genuinely oblivious.

Remus whirled around, looking for any signs of his invisible friends. "Sirius!" he hissed. Another pat to the bottom and he nearly exploded.

"Rhiana, are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," Remus reassured him distractedly. "Let's just get moving, shall we." He quickened his steps back to the Gryffindor Tower, practically dragging Snape behind him.

Remus breathed a sigh of relief once the Portrait of the Fat Lady came into view. The Fat Lady gave him a raised eyebrow at his particular company and Remus replied with a growl.

"Well," he focused back on Snape, "I must be getting some shut-eye. Thanks for a jolly evening." He turned quickly back to the portrait, ready to say the password.

"You're sleeping in the Gryffindor Tower?" Snape said, with certain dislike. "You know, with the company you have in there, you could always sleep in my dormitory," he suggested again.

What was with this boy and his suggestions of sleeping in his dormitory?

"Sorry, my bed's been set up and everything," Remus said. He pouted out his lips seductively as Sirius had told him, which was one of the 'alluring' habits of women. "It's too late to rearrange. Sorry to disappoint you. Well, I must dash-"

"Ugh, I could never sleep in the same room with Gryffindor scum," Snape spat, interrupting his departure.

Remus gnashed his teeth. "I'm sure I'll manage, Severus-"

"Call me Sevvy," Snape cut in, undressing Remus with his eyes.

Se…sev….sevvy? Sev-vy?

"Okay," Remus squeaked, unsure what to comment on that particular nickname. "Well, er, goodnight…Sevvy?"

Again, he focused back on the Portrait of the Fat Lady who was watching the scene with amusement and making an adorable 'aaaaaw' sound at the mention of pet names. "The password-" he started.

"Wait," Snape interrupted. "Aren't I going to get a goodnight kiss?"

Remus paled the whitest of whites. "K-k-k-k-k…" He couldn't even complete the word. He tried again, "K-k-k-k…"

Before Remus could try for the third time to finish the word, Snape latched his lips on to his and pushed him against the Portrait.

"Oi, watch what you're going!" The Fat Lady complained.

"Gnuuuffgg," Remus scrambled to say, trying to push Snape off him. His mouth was slimy and desperate to get attention and Remus felt it was possible to die of bad breath. "Gnuuuffgg!" he tried again to wrestle Snape off with a forceful hand to his forehead.

"PEPPERMINT CREAMS!" Remus shouted the password to the Fat Lady, the second he managed to gasp a breath of air as Snape dislodged off him. Unfortunately Snape leaned in for a second go. "PEPPERMINT CREAMS, DAMN IT!"

"Alright, alright!" The Fat Lady huffed. "Hold your horses!"

The second the doorway opened a millimetre, Remus scrambled for the gap and quickly shot in, yelling a departing, "NIGHT SEVVY!"

Finding safety in the sanctuary of the Gryffindor Tower, Remus leaned against the doorway on the other side of the Portrait and massaged his head. He stumbled forward as the portrait opened again and an invisible twosome slipped inside.

The cloak was whirled off and Sirius and Peter stood before Remus with rather horrified faces.

"Gavommiting…" Peter mumbled. He had to physically hold on to his neck to control his bowel movements.

Sirius self-consciously fiddled with the buttons on his shirt and realised that there was one missing in the middle of his chest. "Jesus, how long has that been like that for?" he laughed. "God knows how many people I've flashed with my godly torso."

Remus was simply incompressible, gaping as he hadn't heard his never-ending apology from Sirius for being such a bad friend.

"Oh," Sirius realized and cringed. He followed Remus who had slumped into a common room chair by the fire and appeared to be pointing his wand at his mouth. Before Sirius could ask if he was going to kill himself with an 'Avada Kedavra', Remus casted "Scrougify" and his mouth erupted with pink bubbles.

"Moony!" Sirius grabbed his wand and made the soap disappear. "You shouldn't do that. I think its poisonous or something."

"Didn't you do that spell to Snape last year?" Peter reminded him.

"Well, Snape's just a guinea pig," Sirius snorted, "If something goes wrong and he dies, or whatever, we can always get a new one and replace him. It's like your mother replacing the family pet!"

Remus was boggled by his odd theories.

"So, who would replace Snape?" Peter asked, poising a hand to his chin.

"Derrick," Sirius answered simply.

"And who would replace Derrick?"

"That boy with the glass eye. Or Michael."

Peter held a puzzled expression. "Michael?"

"The boy living under your bed, Pete. Jeez, keep up, Wormtail."

"WHERE ARE MY REQUESTS FOR FORGIVNESS?" Remus wailed, considering whether to melt a limb off in the common room fire after his experience with Snape. "WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY?"

Sirius rubbed his back and tried to soothe him. "Sorry I put you through that, papoose. I am truly sorry…Although, that chicken sandwich was divine-"

Remus smacked Sirius in the arm.

"Ow! But it was!" Sirius protested, rubbing his arm. "Anyway, Snape's moves tonight…pitiful, just pitiful," he commented. "I mean, trying to get a full on snog on the first date –if you could even call it that- just pathetic."

Peter formed yet another puzzled expression. "But you always get a snog on the first date. That's what you always tell us to get saliva exchanging with a girl as quickly as possible-"

Sirius interrupted with a scoff. "I have never said that. You're talking out of your arse."

Remus shook his head. "I remember the exact words you tell us before a first date. I quote: 'always get a snog in there, even if she's ugly as a Niffler's bum'." He continued his mouth. "His germs…Germs everywhere…Micro organisms…Filth…disease…"

"Nifflers bum? Did I really say 'bum'?" Sirius asked and Peter confirmed with a nod. "Wow, that's quite embarrassing…Moony, stop muttering under your breath. You're disturbing my line of concentration."

Remus was about to retort with, 'Do you even have a line of concentration?' But the portrait had opened and the boys focused on James who stepped inside the common room with a bottle of sherry.

"Where'd you get that?" Peter asked in awe, indicating to the alcohol under James' arm, ignoring the owl poop on his trousers.

"Slughorn," James mumbled. He collapsed on what he thought was empty seat in front of the fire.

"Oi, mork! You're sitting on me!" Sirius complained, pushing James off onto the common room floor. "You smell like sleaziness. Like…Slughorn," he compared.

"You smell like sobriety," James wagged a finger at him. "And…chicken sandwich?"

"Compliments of Snape."

James decided not to elaborate and searched around the room for Remus. "Moony? Oi, where's Moony?" He finally took notice of the ebony haired Rhiana sitting on the couch and squinted. "Do I know you from somewhere?" He looked him up and down, turquoise dress rather bright - the light reflected off his glasses and blinded Sirius in the eye.

"Why am I still wearing these things?" Remus asked in disbelief, ripping the wig from his head.

"AAAARGH!"

"Christ, Prongs!" Sirius yelled. "It's just Moony!"

"Oh…right, the Polyjuice potion," James rubbed his sore head, "Can never get used to seeing myself multiple times." He gave Remus another look over. "I'm not going to ask what you've been up to, fruitcake." He took another swig of his sherry, abandoning polite manners of drinking from a glass or offering it to his friends.

Remus swung one of his legs over the other, then realised how feminine this looked in his dress and replaced both feet to the ground, opening his legs out as far as possible, as masculine as possible. "So Slughorn gave you sherry?" he said in a tone that was highly unconvinced.

"He just spotted you in the corridor and was like, 'Hey! You! Sherry! Drink! Get rat-arsed!'" Peter finished his pretty poor impression of Slughorn and individually looked at his friends in turn, trying to hide back his giggling at the words he used.

"Yes, Peter, we know you just used the word 'rat arsed' to describe someone who is drunk, which coincidentally is your animagus form. Round of applause, if you will," Sirius started slowly clapping and James joined in very sloppily.

Remus did not join in because he was not in the mood, so Sirius had to physically grab his hands and clap them together, which, of course, led to Remus' murdering hiss of, "If you don't let go of my hands right this second, I will bite you and turn you into werewolf and then tomorrow put silver in your breakfast."

"How was the Slughorn par-tay, then?" Sirius asked eventually.

James grimaced. "If you ever say 'par-tay' in public I will be forced to talk over you."

"He already does that," Peter mentioned.

Remus' eyes widened at the mention of a Slughorn Party. "Party? There was one tonight? Oh no," he cursed, looking genuinely upset that he'd missed it, "Poppyscotch!"

"Isn't it 'hopscotch'?"

"No, that's the squares those Muggles skip in and out of," Peter corrected.

Sirius barked a laugh. "How do those Muggles cope without magic? Nutty, the lot of them. Ooo, did you get those pumpkin pastries I asked for? Did you?" he asked suddenly, elbowing James. "Did you?"

James put his hands in the air, "Alright, don't have a hard on!" He managed to stand in an upright position and balanced the bottle of sherry on top of Peter's head which made a pretty dependable drink coaster.

"SODDING PIGEON!"

James sucked on the unlucky finger which was now bleeding after it had ventured into the unlucky pocket of Herpes. He had planned to search for Sirius' pumpkin pastries, but took the left pocket which earned him a ferocious bite from the pigeon. "You little bugger!" He exclaimed fully at the rustling mound in his pocket.

Sirius raised an eyebrow roguishly, "Is that a banana in your pocket or-"

"Jesus, is that the only joke people know these days?" James complained. He howled again as Herpes had managed to discover James' skin under his trousers and was now pecking holes through the material. "You son of a—OW! Herpes! HERPES, WHY DO YOU PAIN ME SO?"

"Well, I heard herpes can to do that to you-"

"Wormtail, I think he's referring to his pet," Remus sighed.

"Oh…that makes sense."

"SON OF A—AAARGH! Watch where you're pecking that beak!" James hunched his legs together, Herpes unfortunately stretching close to pecking his crotch area inside the pocket. "Here, Padfoot," He tossed a few mashed up pumpkin pastries from the other pocket.

"You're right, Muh-hoony," Sirius congratulated Remus as he chewed openly. "They're effing fantastic."

Remus watched Herpes wrestle inside James' pocket with agonising stamina. "James, maybe you should just let her fly around for a while. Give her some fresh air or she might asphyxiate from the fumes."

James raised an eyebrow. "What exactly are you implying, Moony?" He cursed as Herpes got a lucky shot of his crotch. "I'm going to have to let her out," he gave in.

Sirius choked on one of his pumpkin pastries. "Hey, wait a sec. I'm not exactly on friendly terms with Herpes," he said in between chomping.

"I don't think anyone's in friendly terms when they have herpes."

"Again, Wormtail, he's referring to the pet."

James was clearly in too much pain to think anything through, quickly unzipping his trouser pocket and grabbing the pigeon by the wings. The second the pigeon was released from his hand, it took flight and immediately clamped on to-

"MY FACE!"

Sirius had not been prepared for a pigeon attack as his hands were full of pumpkin pastries. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS BIRD?" He screamed, though it was muffled, trying to pull Herpes off. His three friends watched, motionless, as Sirius swivelled round in all directions, partially blind, until he backed up too far into an empty armchair and toppled over it.

"I don't know how you manage to enjoy yourself at The Slug's parties, Moony. They're so drab," James talked over Sirius' high-pitched, horror-movie type shrieks. "I could understand you going for the company, but the only interesting people there are Lily, and she's my future wife so you can't hit on her or I'll smother you with an extra large pillow, and Hot Georgina. But Hot Georgina intimidates you."

"Hot Georgina was there?" Sirius said, managing to unhinge Herpes off his face and fling the pigeon against a wall.

"Padfoot!" James yelled. "I have to use her to send letters, you know! Plus I don't want to get bloody P.P on my arse."

"Pee pee?" Peter echoed.

James sighed, "Pigeon Protection. You know, that group of third year girls who protest bird rights. The one who think it's immorally wrong for the owls to send post?"

"Oh, the crazy animal right girls," Sirius remembered, "Gotta admire their psychosis."

James sighed again, kicking the empty sherry bottle with his foot. "I think I'm going to bed," he yawned, "I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Hey, wait. Aren't you going to tell us what happened with Lily?"

"Tomorrow, Padfoot," James said, ambling his way towards the common room stairs.

"I think I'm going to call it a night too," Peter said, also joining James up the staircase.

James glanced around to look at Sirius and Remus and mimed, 'Any excuse to see me change in to my PJ's', then waved them goodnight.

Remus kicked off his high heels and rubbed the soles of his feet. "Something happened with Lily?" he said, once out of James' hearing.

"When are there not things happening between James and Lily," Sirius retorted. He strolled over to Herpes who was lying against the wall she'd been flung at and put her in his hand, trying to nudge her awake.

"You didn't kill another pet, did you?"

"Don't bring up Snowy the owl again."

Sirius opened Herpes' beak and tried putting pumpkin pastries crumbs into her mouth, as if it would revive her.

"I wouldn't advise you to do that. You might block up her windpipe—Sirius! Don't do that!"

"Pigeons legs are really stretchy," Sirius noted, pulling on one of Herpes' feet.

Remus snatched Herpes away from him. "I'll take care of the pigeon."

Sirius grinned, "Works every time…" he muttered.

"I'm so glad this night is over. I can't take another day of Snape," Remus started emptying the tissue from under his dress, "I'll be glad to be back in my own body."

"I haven't told you the full details of The Plan, have I?" Sirius said with dread.

A deadly look from Remus confirmed that he didn't.

Sirius fiddled with the gap in his shirt, due to the lack of buttons. "Well, er, the potion is strong enough to last the whole of tomorrow-"

"TOMORROW! ARE YOU INSANE?"

Sirius wiped the spit off his face from the shouting outburst. "Moony, you're tightening a little hard on Herpes there," he mentioned.

Remus glanced down and realised his fists were clenching so hard that he was squeezing on the pigeon who'd turned blue.

"All you have to do is keep softening him up tomorrow," Sirius explained. "You know, buy him some breakfast-"

Remus cut in, "Buy?"

"Oh, right, Hogwarts free food…well, just have breakfast with him, then. Feed each other, you know, stuff like that." Remus paled at the thought of feeding Sevvy pancakes. "Then later, the final part of the plan can commence…" Sirius rubbed his hands together in a sinister way and his mouth curled upwards very sadistically.

"What exactly is the 'final part of the plan'? No, wait. Let me guess: you aren't going to tell me, are you?"

"Don't you like the element of surprise, Muh-hoony?"

"I'm a werewolf. I like scheduled plans," Remus whined, "Hence, turning into a werewolf every month. It's programmed. I do not like surprises."

"Okay, no surprise birthday parts for you then. Dully-" Sirius patted him on the shoulder "-noted."

"You really aggravate me," Remus declared. "I'm going to bed." He started mumbling the Greek Alphabet to calm himself as he walked over to the common room stairs for bed time.

Sirius winced; maybe he'd gone too far with this Rhiana thing.

"Hey," Sirius glanced down at his shirt and discovered all buttons in place, no gaps or showings of his 'godly torso.'

"Thanks for fixing my shirt, Moony."

Remus glanced back, rolling his eyes. "Don't mention it, Padfoot."

A friend does something good for you then spends the entire day boasting about how thoughtful they are, expecting something in return.

A true friend replaces a button on your shirt when you're not looking.

The next morning, James fanned his mouth from the hot porridge he'd just consumed too quickly. Of course, fanning doesn't actually work but it's nice to think you're trying to do something to prevent your mouth burning.

"I don't get it," Peter said.

Sirius took more of a direct approach. "Why the hell are you talking about jewellery? I mean, how gay is that?" He gave no time for an answer. "Super gay, that's how gay it is. Wormtail, how gay is it?"

"Super gay."

James continued to fan his mouth. "For the last time," he huffed, "I am not talking about jewellery in general. See, this is the kind of conversation we have when the intellectual one isn't here. Where's Moony?" he demanded.

"Rhiana's having breakfast with Sevvy," Sirius said, rather derisively.

James did not recognise either name, so Peter had to point a finger at the Slytherin Table where Remus sat intimately with Snape.

"They make the quite the couple," Peter recognized.

Sevvy appeared to be feeding Rhiana pancakes.

"Okaaay…" James took his gaze off them to question Sirius. "Sevvy? That probably has something to do with whatever you guys did last night, which I don't want to know," he said pointedly, stopping Sirius before he went into elaborate detail. "As I was saying, Derrick got Lily a ring."

Sirius snorted into his pumpkin juice. "A ring? What are they, married or something?"

"I know," James groaned. "But it's a dodgy ring," he emphasised.

Peter perked with interest. "Dodgy? Do you mean it's one of those tacky rings you get from those crappy Christmas crackers?"

"No, Pete, he means dodgy as in Knockturn-Alley-dodgy."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he got it from there," James muttered resentfully. "I think there's some sort of charm on it. Some spell so he knows wherever Lily goes. Like a tracker."

Sirius snickered, "Sounds like something you'd do."

"Shut up, wanker."

"Oi, only Evans calls me that. Talk of the devil, there's m'lady. Oh, and Lily too," Sirius acknowledged, making a wave.

James followed his gaze to the holding-hands couple, still feeling the same resentment as usual whenever they made an appearance together. But this time, something was different.

"Why is Derrick walking funny?" James asked, examining his peculiar toddle.

Peter titled his head from let to right, as if this would give him a better view. "He's walking like a penguin."

"Actually," James took in all Derrick's appearance as he sat at the Ravenclaw table whilst Lily was joined next to him, "He looks pretty much ill all together."

James noted that Derrick looked a ghastly pale whilst he held a permanently constipated face.

"Is he dying?" James asked, not an ounce of compassion his face. "Do his relatives know? Should I send them a 'congratulations' card?"

He scratched his chin, watching Derrick's agitated state, noting the blonde decline a glass of water with a furious push.

"You guys did something," James stated, not even having to look at Sirius and Peter to know they were the culprits of Derrick's odd behaviour.

Sirius grumbled and smacked Peter's arm for giving them away. "It was your fault, Wormtail. You look to bloody pleased with yourself, like you just had a wank or something."

Peter uncovered his hands from under the table and whistled a merry tune.

"What did you do to him, then?" James pressed.

Sirius exhaled noisily. "Do I have to recite the list?"

James took a moment to register his words. "List..?"

Sirius smiled wickedly, perching his feet upon the breakfast table which caused plates to clatter and jugs tip. Remus' eye twitched, as if he needed to tell Sirius that it was bad manners but couldn't as he was occupied with Sevvy's Fork of Love being stuffed into his mouth every few seconds.

"Where shall I start?"

Peter giggled, trying to keep himself under control. "The bowl, Sirius! Of water…Wet…himself…" he trailed off into loud snorts which made his speech unrecognisable to understand.

"Oh," Sirius said, looking uninterested, "Peter thought it'd be 'hilarious' to do the old classic Put-his-fingers-into-a-bowl-of-water-so-when-he-wakes-up-he's-wet-himself gag."

James looked mildly amused. "That would explain why he's refusing to drink this morning."

"Mine are much more amusing," Sirius spoke haughtily, "But they seem to be on a theme of red hot pepper juice…and ketchup."

James instinctively pushed his breakfast away from him. "Both red and the colour of blood," he recognized. "Carry on."

"Well, first," Sirius opened a finger from his fist, "We smothered red hot pepper juice on the door handles of his dormitory. Twonk here," he pointed to Peter who cringed, "Forgot to wash his hands after."

James looked over to Derrick who at that precise moment was rubbing furiously at his streaming eyes.

"I see the rest of his dorm were also victims," James said, glancing at a few other sixth year boys who were massaging their eyelids, and one boy even screaming with pain.

"Never liked Ravenclaws anyway. Then," Sirius opened a second finger, "We unravelled a few feet of toilet roll in the prefect bathrooms and covered them in-"

"Red hot pepper juice," James finished, trying not to gag. "Padfoot, that is rank."

Peter winced. "Not to mention we got a few innocent prefects."

"Better warn Lily later…" James muttered.

Sirius shushed James excitedly. "It gets better, Prongs!"

James put his head in his hands. "Is it more toilet humour?"

Sirius nodded and James gave an exaggerated groan. "What? C'mon, toilet pranks are funny! So, you know those little packets of ketchup you can get?"

James didn't like where this was heading. "Sure," he humoured him.

"Well, we got a load of those and put holes in them with pins," Peter explained.

James found himself breathing easily, thinking the prank sounded harmless enough so far.

"Then we went into the prefect's bathroom-"

"Oh God," James said suddenly, the word 'harmless' flying out the window.

"And we put them under toilet seats! So when they went to sit down –hehehe- the ketchup would spurt so it looked like-," Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes, "Their butt was bleeding, or their rectum had exploded!"

Sirius erupted into 'HAR HAR's whilst Peter formed unflattering pig snorts.

"Oh my God...Oh my God!" James shivered, purely disgusted. "What is wrong with you two? I'm never going to be able to have ketchup ever again!"

Sirius snickered. "Rectum…"

James stood up from his seat. "I've lost my appetite," he announced. "Let's go to the library."

Sirius choked on his morning bagel. "Wait, you lost your appetite…so you want to go to the library?" He gave James an odd look and continued chewing openly on his breakfast. "Thank Merlin I've never lost my appetite."

"No, numbskull, we've got a free period so we might as well go to the library and find some better pranks for Derrick."

"Better pranks?" Peter questioned, indisputably hurt.

"Prongsie," Sirius gasped, "What are you implying?"

"Move your butts before I keg you."

In swift movement, Sirius and Peer abandoned their food and stood to their feet.

"What about Remus?" Peter asked.

Sirius shrugged, "He'll be fine."

"Here comes the choo-choo train! Open wide, Rhiana!"

Remus did not like to be patronized. People were looking. Lots of people were looking. He did not like any attention on him and the fact that Severus Snape was cutting up his breakfast and feeding it into his mouth was not helping the looking-at-him atmosphere.

"Come on, Rhiana, muffin."

Remus reluctantly opened his lips apart, nearly choking as Snape rammed a fork of pancakes into his gob.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he saw his three friends get up from the table, leaving the Great hall.

Quickly, Remus swallowed the remains of his pancakes. "Sevvy, I just remembered," he stood to his feet and pushed down his skirt, which he was particularly bitter about as it was apparently required as part of the uniform, "I, er, have to go post a letter."

Snape's face fell with disappointment. "But you haven't finished breakfast. Do you want me to come with you?-"

"Oh, no, no, no, no," Remus quickly cut in, shaking his head which made his black wig nearly fall off his head. He quickly rearranged the fake hair disguising the action as a head scratch. "I'd like my privacy. And, er, I have to send a letter to, uh, my parents…to explain why I ran away and…my, um, declaration of love to you…?"

Snape looked satisfied with his excuse. "I'll see you later, then?"

"Negeuh," Remus mumbled unrecognisably, letting Snape kiss his hand in departure.

With some staggering in grossly high shoes, Remus managed to catch up to the rest of the Marauders the second they made it out of the oak doors and away from the hall of chatty breakfasters.

"I told you, Padfoot: no more red hot pepper juice and ketchup!"

"What about laxatives? I've got this great idea where we —what the…Moony!" Sirius jumped as Remus' hand latched onto his shoulder, whilst he tried to get his breath back. "You're supposed to be with Snivelly!"

"I cannot," Remus took a deep breath, "handle any more of Sevvy—I mean, Snape! Snape, is what I said!" He shook his body to get himself together. "I'm going wherever you guys are going, even if it's the broom closet or…or even Myrtle's bathroom, or, or-"

"We're going to the library," Peter mentioned.

"Oh thank God!" Remus rejoiced, raising his hands to the ceiling.

Yet again, the four boys had managed to fit under the invisibility cloak so they could freely look over the banned books of the forbidden section of the library. Even after Peter had quite a large breakfast, so much he was starting to get a pop belly.

"We should have done this after hours," James cursed, peeking behind a bookshelf to look at the edgy librarian.

"Prongs, stop moving left! I want to move right!" Sirius complained, tugging the cloak. "Besides, it's better we look in daylight. I don't want a repeat performance of Madam Pom Poms and the accidental boob grabbing." He shuddered inwardly and outwardly.

"Yeah…" James tried to reach for a book whilst keeping the cloak covering visible body parts. "You say 'accidental', though you really mean-"

"Accidental," Sirius hissed fiercely with a judder.

"No worries about the librarian. She has no boobe," Peter spoke matter-of-factly, sneezing due to book dust. The librarian glanced over but thought nothing of it. Books sneezed regularly, right?

Remus was the only one to give him an absurd look. "You've been looking? And can't you just say 'flat-chested'? It's more humane and polite."

Sirius gestured to quieten their voices. "I think she's so flat-chested her breasts grow inwards."

Remus rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Not. Possible."

"What are you, a breasts expert?" Sirius whispered. "At least I've seen some! Unlike you…you haven't seen any, have you?" he checked to make sure.

"N-" Remus began.

"HAR!" Sirius yelled, wincing at how much his voice echoed. "I mean," he lowered his voice to a murmur, "Haaaar."

Remus rolled his eyes, glancing over the book of potions he was scanning. "I, unlike you, am not a peeping tom."

"I'm not Tom, I'm Sirius."

"Oh, help me God; please say that was a joke."

Sirius grinned. "Just playing with your mind."

"I've seen Evans' but only for a second though," James mentioned. He flicked through a book that didn't catch his attention as it had no pictures, and visual aids were clearly a must. "I sneaked into the perfects bathroom and she was in the bath and it was steamy and I made a choking sound and she heard it…"

"I've seen one!" Peter suddenly revealed.

"One? You mean singly?" Sirius whispered.

Peter nodded. "Jennifer Willis'. Remember that day in fourth year when she forgot to wear a bra? I saw one nipple but her hair was covering the other," he spoke as if the seeing it was a great accomplishment.

"She didn't forget," Sirius argued, "She was just a tart."

"Can we puh-lease," Remus was so aggravated that he had resorted to putting a 'h' into a word that did not grammatically need it, "Stop talking about boobies! I mean, breasts!" He cursed himself for adopting Sirius' language. Whereas Sirius was wondering whether it was wrong for him to remember Jennifer Willis' single breast yet not remember her face.

"Okay, now I'm pissed off." James slammed yet another dusty book on the shelf. "I can't find any bloody books on that stupid tracker ring."

"I didn't know we were in here to find information about Lily's ring," Peter said.

"We're not. I just got distracted," James admitted. "Any of you guys find anything to do to Derrick?"

Sirius and Peter made grim shakes of the head; however, Remus looked hesitant to answer.

"Moony?" James pressed.

Remus chewed on his tongue.

"Moony, it's too late to even lie now. You should have just shaken your head when Pad and Wormtail did."

"Bugger," Remus cursed. James gave him an inclining nod to explain what he'd found. "Fine," he gave in, opening up the potions book for the boys to crowd over and look at. "It's not a spell, though. It's a potion."

James automatically grunted. "If it shows any resemblance to Polyjuice potion, then it's a no-no."

Sirius pulled the book so it was closer for him to peek at. "What's it called?"

Remus pulled the book back, showing signs of possessiveness when it comes to books. "It's got a rather complicated Latin name."

"Laaaatin." Sirius groaned and made an audible snore. "Dumb the name down for us, please?"

"It has the opposite affects of a Felix Felicis potion. So…you could call it a…Un-Felix Felicis potion, I suppose." Remus shrugged.

Sirius clicked his fingers in recalling. "Felix Felicis potion…where have I heard that before?"

"Possibly in Potions considering it's a potion, Padfoot. Jesus…" James muttered.

"Hey, didn't The Slug give us that challenge thing where we had to make some Death Draught thing and the prize was that Felix thing?" Peter asked.

James slightly zoned out at the mention of 'thing' too many times in one sentence. "Wait…I remember! And Lily won the potion." He went off into a sappy smile.

"Well of course you remember if Lily was involved." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Remind me, what are the effects of a Felix Felicis potion?"

"It's basically liquid luck," Remus simplified. "So the 'Un-Felix Felicis' potion would have the opposite effects, it being-"

"Liquid bad luck?" Peter guessed.

Remus nodded, looking pleased that he'd taught Peter something today. "Exactly, Wormtail. Ten points to Gryffindor! ...I'm sorry; I have no idea why I just said that." He flushed. "I just suddenly felt like a teacher…"

"How do we make this, er, Un-Felix Felicis potion then, eh?" James pressed eagerly.

Remus traced a finger over the information on the page. "According to this, all you need to do is add a certain ingredient to a Felix Felicis potion. Which we don't have," he pointed out, "So let's just forget this whole idea." He shut the book with a snap and managed to clamp Sirius' nosey nose in between the pages. He was feeling criminally immoral for putting bad ideas in James' head.

"Oh, no, no, no." James wagged a finger and opened up the book, trying to find the page Remus had been on. "You suggested this idea so we have to do it now. Besides, I'm sure Slughorn keeps a stash of Felix Felicis in his classroom. With Sirius' knife and the invisibility cloak, we'd be able to sneak into his classroom and find it less than five minutes," he boasted.

"I think you're giving us too much credit, Prongsie," Sirius said.

"Fine. Ten minutes, then."

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Hello loves. 

IMPORTANT- READ!!!!

This story isnt mine... Its by a person called Procrastinator-starting2moro. She stopped writing HP fics like tis 2 years back and i wanted to share it with you. I love making people laugh and incase you haven't noticed i never copyrighted it. For some reason the story was stopped and I shared it.

Ok! Now that thats over, i hope you enjoyed it.... One more chapter and this story is over! Anyone sad?

<3 Y