Chapter 24- Herpes the Owl, and No I'm Not Joking...

"Rhiana! Rhiana, are you ready?"

"For the last time: bugger off!"

Remus Lupin was not a happy werewolf.

"But Miss Peenapul," Sirius sang, knocking a merry tune on the toilet door, "You have to make a grand entrance from the toilet cubicle sometime!"

"Oooo, she's hideous! Just look at that hair!"

"What do you mean 'she', you irritating ghost!"

"Oi, leave Myrtle alone, Moony," Sirius said, casting an apologetic look at the ghost who floated above in a rather infuriated mood at Remus' comment. "She could give you make-up tips or something," he suggested. "Though, she could use some blusher herself since she looks awfully pale. Get it? Pale, because she's a ghost! Har har, get it, Pete...? Myrtle...? Jeez, you people need to LIGHTEN UP. It's not like your bloody DEAD or something—oh, wait. Sorry Myrtle."

Remus folded his arms stubbornly and leaned against the cubicle wall, pushing up the James Potter glasses on the bridge of his nose that just didn't seem to hold in place. "I'm not coming out. And I am most certainly not leaving this bathroom with Snape on the prowl."

"Maybe Rhiana finds prowling sexy-"

"Rhiana most certainly does not!"

"Er…are we still talking about Rhiana here?"

"Quiet, Wormtail," Sirius hushed him. "You're supposed to be keeping an eye on Snape on the map," he reminded the boy, tapping the parchment in his hand.

Peter nodded in obedience, and then let his eyes glimpse across the many corridors of Hogwarts on the parchment. "Hey," he pointed to the map, "Is that Prongs going to the…Owlery?"

"Oh, I told him to go transfigure some owls into pigeons."

"You what?" Remus shrieked, flinging the cubicle door open in hysterics.

Sirius grinned. "Finally, mademoiselle has decided to make her appearance! I do say, Moony, that dress is much more dashing than that ghastly lace thing you wore before."

Remus reddened, flushing a thousand reds in his glittery turquoise dress. "I do not feel comfortable in this," he stated, thoroughly displeased by the bright revealing attire Sirius had hurled over the cubicle door for him to 'sport! Yes, Moony! You must SPORT! SPORT AWAY!'

"Fashion over comfort ability always, Moony! Honestly, have I taught you nothing?"

Remus grumbled. "I can't believe I fell for that James-transfiguring-owls-into-pigeons-thing," he said embarrassingly.

Sirius gave him a confused look. "What? I wasn't joking."

"You're honestly saying James is going around, pointing his wand at other people's owls, and trying to transfigure them into pigeons?" Remus asked, trying to make logic of the question.

"Yes," said Sirius, as if the answer was completely obvious. "We ran out of prank ideas for Derrick so Prongs had to 'resort' –honestly, resort is not the word I would've liked him to say but he used it- to my idea about pigeons raping Derrick from behind. All he needs is about," he counted a few odd fingers on his hand, "fifty pigeons, I'd say. But anyway, back to your situation."

Remus paled, drifting off his thoughts of James possibly being pecked to death by angry owls, and to the subject of how he could escape Sirius and his insanity. Meanwhile, Sirius was eyeing him up and down. Remus was very aware that his upper thighs were visible. He knew he shouldn't be bothered by this factor considering he was in James Potter's body, but he still self-conscious all the same.

"Hmm, pretty…scary," Sirius winced. "Your hair needs a brush." He produced a comb from his shirt pocket, so conveniently placed there for sudden bad hair days (which of course Sirius never had) and hurried over to Remus, detangling the long, black wig.

Remus slapped Sirius' hand out of the way and ducked the incoming brush. "You are not brushing my hair, Sirius! This scene is odd enough!"

"God, don't act like such a prude, Moony," Sirius laughed. Remus took off a high heel shoe and thrust it out in front of him as a weapon. "Okay, now you're just overreacting."

"Chimps pick through each other's hair, Sirius! You know, primate partners, a sign of affection as they pick through each others to remove dirt-"

"But I'm not picking through your hair, I'm combing it."

"Padfoot!" Peter tugged on Sirius' arm, feverishly, pointing at the map with his wand. "Snape is in the Great hall, eating. It won't be too long until he makes his way back to his common room."

Sirius looked wide-eyed. "Shit! We'll have to act fast before he gets into the wank hole," he referred to the Slytherin common room distastefully. He gave Remus another look over; about to make another comb of his hair, but Remus gave him a menacing growl. "Right, hair's fine, then." He slipped the comb away before his werewolf friend got anymore frenzied. "High heels. Check. Dress. Check. No time for blusher, damn it!" He swore, and then tried aiming his hand to slap Remus' face numerous times.

"C'mon, help me, Pete!"

Peter gave Sirius a blank look, shrugged, and then brought back his hand to give Remus' cheeks a walloping.

"You too, Myrtle! Oh, no wait, your hand would go straight through him…you could try whacking him with some loo roll or something."

Myrtle brightened at being involved with individuals who could eat without food coming out from under them, and answered with a happy, "Gladly!" She grabbed a chest full of toilet roll from inside a cubicle and started pelting them at the boy.

"What are you—ow! OW! Stop that!" Remus clutched his cheeks that now looked a heavy red. "Why-" He paused as toilet roll collided with his nose. "Why are you doing that?" he asked hysterically.

"Your cheek looks white," Sirius said. "The slapping gives you natural blusher!"

Peter was about to make another smack at Remus' face but he stopped him with a hard tug on the ear.

"Girls don't really slap their cheeks for natural blusher, do they?" Remus couldn't help but ask.

"Only the mental ones!" Sirius shouted over Peter's screams of ear-pulling agony.

"I think you're done now." Sirius examined Remus one final time. "Oh-oh! No, wait!" he remembered. He bent down to his knees and picked up some toilet roll, spreading it out as he scrunched the tissue into balls.

Sirius announced with a grin, "Boobie time!"

"BOOBIE WHAT?" Remus yelped.

"Boo-beee time," Peter repeated slower, casting Remus a mocking look for being so oblivious.

"Okay," Sirius unravelled more toilet roll into clumps in his hands, "Now, I'm just gonna touch your chest-"

"WHAT?" Remus screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Sirius put an arm on his hip. "I need to stuff your chest with boobie material. No need to get into song and dance about it. Now, c'mere."

Remus laughed ridiculously at his order of, 'C'mere.' "I am not willingly coming anywhere near you!" he cried.

Thirty seconds later…

"More in the left breast, Pete. No, not that much, mork. Now his left breast looks bigger than the right…hmm, add some more to the right one, then. Not too much or he'll fall over."

Remus tried to protest but the factor of being frozen by a stupefy spell to the bathroom floor prevented any talking.

"Wormtail, you're not stuffing the tissue in properly," Sirius complained, watching as Peter climbed over Remus and shoved loo roll under his dress. "You're stuffing it so far down you're making it look as if he's pregnant!"

"But I don't know where the breast ends or where it begins!"

"Oh, for goodness sake," Sirius joined Peter on the floor and shoved the Marauders Map back into Peter's hands, moulding Remus' breasts instead. "We're aiming for regular sized melons, not granny ones that droop somewhere near his stomach." He made a couple of squeezes for grasping capability.

"Maybe we should ask a girl's opinion. Like…Evans," Peter suggested, spotting her dot on the parchment.

Sirius snorted. "Oh yes, let's ask Evans. 'Hey, Evans! Wanna help us stuff Moony's boobs considering you're a girl and you've got a pair!' Bloody moron…"

Peter let this insult pass, on the grounds of his brain blocking out people's voices involuntarily. "Oh, flobberworms," he murmured. "Padfoot!"

"WHAT? DO NOT DISTURB THE MASTER AT WORK!" Sirius shrieked, bits of tissue hurled in the air in outburst.

"Evans is on her way to the Owlery…" Peter said quietly.

"…You're shitting me," Sirius said, unconvinced.

Peter shook his head grimly and handed the map to the page where a dot labelled 'Prongs' girl' was ambling her way to the Owlery, whilst a dot labelled 'Prongs the mighty' was inside.

"HERPES!" James bellowed. "HERPES, GET YOUR OWL BUTT DOWN HERE!"

Herpes the snowy owl was originally named as 'Harpy', but never answered to call of her name. It was only one day when the owl responded to a call by Sirius at the Potter household where he called jubilantly, 'Oi, Harpy! Hey, wait a sec…her name sounds like HERPES! Isn't that funny? HARHAR HARHAR! HERPES! C'mere, HERPES! What the...OH MY GOD, IT'S CLAWING AT MY FACE! GET IT OFF ME, JAMES! WAAAAH!'

Which Mrs. Potter then replied, "Oh, Sirius, that's just a sign of affection. She's just telling you how much she loves you."

In which Sirius screamed in response, "IT'S TAKING A DUMP IN MY EYE! POOP IN THE CORNEA, MRS. P! GET A HAM-BULANCE!"

"Look, Herpes," James said, upturning his head to look at his owl that seemed to have picked the highest point of the owlery as if she knew James' plan. "Just come down for a sec, girl. I'm going to send a letter…A LETTER…" He put his hands up in innocence, which was a pretty stupid thing to do as it showed no signs of mail in his hands.

A letter…Yeah, sure.

"C'mon, Herpie. I got some nice owl treats for ya," James lied.

Herpes made a dignified squawk, as if to say 'I don't believe you, stupid four-eyed human!'

"You're not still mad about that thing with Sirius, are you?"

Another chirp signified a huffy yes.

"Herpes, he told you he was sorry for trying to put you in a box without air holes and mail you to Jamaica. He was just upset about you pooping in his pancakes at the breakfast table."

If James wasn't corrected, the owl looked as if it were smiling at the thought of that memory.

"Herpes, c'mon," he pressed. "I haven't got all bloody day, alright! Either you get down or I'll make you come down."

The owl looked at him with gleaming eyes, as if she were challenging him to.

"Sodding lazy owl…" He cursed, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Looking for something to hurl at the owl but not physically harm it any way, he picked up an animal bone from the straw-covered floor and threw it in Herpes' direction.

He hit the wrong owl.

"Er…woops. Sorry, brown old with menacing eyes. I was trying to hit the one next to you—oh don't look at me like that, Herpes! For Merlin's sake! Just come down here so I can turn you into a pigeon! Herpes...? HERPES!"

James was starting to lose his patience.

"Alright, have it your way!" He took his wand from his back trouser pocket and pointed it at the bird.

Every owl's head turned to look at him. The calming sound of chirps and cooing stopped and the circular room was surrounded with foreboding silence.

"Okaaaay…" James got Goosebumps as he watched every round orb focus on him. "Stop looking at me like that…" his voice wobbled. "S-stop it."

It's quite frightening having more than a hundred soundless owls watching you, heads completely turned around so they were watching you from the back. Owls were quite scary when they're not cooing and nudging you in the neck because Sirius fed Herpes too much cough medicine.

"Christ, keep yourself together, man. They're just birds," he told himself. He straightened his wand arm out more confidently as he shouted the transfiguring spell at Herpes. Sadly, the spell missed, bouncing off the walls and making the owls go into frenzy. Before he knew it, he was blocking his ears because of the flapping wings of every owl zooming off their perch of the ceiling rafters.

"Oh God! Oh God!" James shrieked. He quickly dropped to his knees, not caring that his school trousers was covered in owl poop, and narrowly avoided the outstretched wings as the birds zoomed passed him, clearly not caring if they collided with his head.

James desperately tried to seek some sort of shelter from flying owls and their flying droppings that seemed to drop just too accurately near him for it to be natural. "Oi, move it!" He tried to avoid the aimless owls that were walking on the ground, and covered his hands over his head as he dragged himself across the floor.

Suddenly Herpes was in his frontage.

With a quick motion of his wand, he swished and shouted the transfiguring spell at the bird.

In the blink of an eye, the snowy owl chirped furiously as she changed from the beautiful, wondrous creature to…a stump of an ugly pigeon.

"YES!" James punched the air, then immediately regretted his outburst.

Every owl had seen what he'd done; he'd just harmed one of their owl buddies. He especially noticed that particular brown owl with the menacing eyes which he hit with an animal bone, sharpening his claws on a rafter.

James wondered if owls ate human.

"AAAARGH!"

Meanwhile, Lily Evans sauntered her way to the Owlery with a letter to her parents clutched in her hand.

She had managed to avoid her lovely boyfriend Derrick by saying she needed to go see Professor McGonagall to grass up Sirius Black with his PIE-IN-YOUR-FACE escapades. She had planned to wring his neck herself but he had mysteriously gone missing ever since he ran out of the Great hall after a sickly looking Remus. Unfortunately, Professor McGonagall could do nothing about Sirius as she'd given him detention for the rest of the year.

So instead Lily decided to moan in a never-ending letter to her parents about the 'trials and tribulations' of her life, with such sentences of: 'I'm miserable, mum! I hate Black and I hate Potter and let me move to Beauxbutons where nobody can annoy me by talking to me because they speak French and I'm rubbish at other languages. And also, thanks for the knitted sweater…Send me more chocolate or I might slit my wrists…Just joking, mother! No seriously, don't ring a therapist. I'm fine. Just teen angst...GAH. And yes, mother, I know 'GAH' is not a real word.'

"Wait! Oh yes, wait a minute Mr. Postman. Wait! Wai-ai-ai-ait, Mr. Postman!" Lily sang, twiddling the letter in between her fingers."Mr. Postman, look and see, oooooh yeaaaaah! You got a letter in your bag for me, pleeeease pleeease Mr. Postman!"

"Help! HELP!

Lily stopped in her tracks as she heard the distant calling. "James?" she questioned, rather disturbed.

"HERPES, HELP ME!"

Lily stuck a finger in her ear to check if she was hearing right.

"HERPES! HERPES!"

"…Herpes?" Lily echoed, now fully disturbed. Dropping the letter to the floor, she ran the few steps that led to the owlery and gasped as she saw James Potter wrestling on the floor as countless number of owls pecked at him.

"Lily!" James spotted her as he tried to shield his eyes from pointy beaks. "Lily, help me! They're practically pecking inverted nipples into me!"

Lily stopped herself from backing away from the horrific scene and ran to James' side, trying to wave and shove the owls off as gently as possible.

"Aaargh, get off!" she yelled. "Shoo! Shoo!"

The Shoo-ing effect seemed to be oddly working, extremely slowly.

"Hizzy!" Lily called the name of her pet owl as it had seemed to clamp itself onto James' face - the same brown owl with the menacing eyes, James had noted. "Get off him, Hizzy!"

She managed to grab her owl off James' face; he made a grateful gasp of air as he'd stopped being suffocated with an owl's arse.

"Bad hizzy!" Lily told off her owl. "You go to a corner and think about what you've done." She looked at him with disappointment; Hizzy bowed his head shamefully. In swift motion, the owl jumped off Lily's arm and flew to a high rafter to sulk.

"James, I suggest we leave!" She ducked an incoming bird. "These birds have gone crazy!"

Not arguing, James leapt outside the Owlery, following Lily's advice. They both heaved for breath as they found safety in a nearby corridor. As they both tried to get air back into their lungs, Lily saw something rustling in James' hand.

"There appears to be a pigeon in your hand."

"Oh," James glanced down at Herpes and flushed. "I do know that," he mentioned, then tried stuffing the pigeon into his pocket.

"James! You can't stuff him into your pocket!" Lily stopped his hand and blushed as their hands grazed.

"Herpes," James corrected her word of 'him'.

"Well, that's your problem…"

"No, I don't have herpes!" he rectified.

Lily gave him an unconvinced look. "What happened to those owls back there? They went wild. What set them off?"

James looked down at his shoes and examined his laces. "Er…dunno," he shrugged, "I was just trying to send a letter and BAM- they went crazy and started attacking me!"

Lily still didn't seem persuaded. "Right…You should let that pigeon go, y'know," she said, watching it wrestle in his hand.

"But she's mine."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Yours? Normally wizards own owls, not pigeons."

"Well, the shop ran out of owls so I, er, picked a bird…from a park…" James fumbled.

Lily was wondering why James didn't just buy a cat or a toad of some sort, and was also suspicious by the fact that the Wizarding world never ran out of owls.

"Nice ring," James complimented suddenly. He remembered spotting the ring for a second earlier but only seemed to register it in now in his mind.

Lily flinched and looked at the ring on her middle finger, slightly jumping as she'd forgotten it was even there. The giant, oversized emerald jewel on the silver band seemed to ridicule her.

"Uh…Derrick got it for me," Lily explained quietly, avoiding James' eye contact. She could feel him tense.

"What, are you married now?" he joked. Lily gave a defiant snort of objection. "I didn't realise you were so materialistic…" he mumbled dejectedly.

"I'm not," Lily quickly cut in. "I didn't even ask for it."

James tried to stand still as Herpes was violently struggling in the grip of his hand. "I could've, y'know, bought you stuff…"

Lily felt herself soften by the second. "I'd never ask you buy me stuff, James. I never wanted this stupid thing. It's horrid," she said truthfully, thrusting her hand downwards as far away as possible.

James gave a faint smile.

"Lily!"

James instinctively backed away from her and gruffly shot Derrick a snide glare - the boy had practically sprinted down the corridor and attached himself to Lily, ignoring James' presence.

"I thought you said you were going to see McGonagall and come straight back to meet me?" Derrick's tone laced with annoyance.

"I did, but I went to send a letter at the Owlery…How did you know where to find me?" Lily asked, truly baffled.

James watched as Derrick's gaze seemed to linger too unnaturally long on the emerald ring, and he stopped when he noticed James watching him.

"Instinct," Derrick said simply.

James frowned.

"We must be going, dear. We've got that Slug Club private party, remember?" Derrick reminded her, sliding an arm round her waist.

"Oh, right," she replied faintly.

Derrick raised a mocking eyebrow at James. "Private party," he repeated, "Only the important members who Slughorn considers as worthy. I supposeyou wouldn't get an invitation, would you, James? Not talented enough, I suppose."

James grinded his teeth to crumbs. "Actually, I'm a full member of the Slug Club," he said fiercely.

Derrick looked abash. "Oh, really? I suppose Slughorn just invites anyone these days out of pity." James felt his fists clench. "I've never seen you attend."

"I do get the ribbon invitations but unfortunately I'm too busy to attend. You know me; too busy having an actual life."

"Hey," Lily said, a little offended.

"Just Quidditch," James rectified quickly, sorry that he'd snubbed her.

Derrick laughed, "Throwing a few balls into hoops whilst flying on sticks of wood - how ghastly. Well, let's get going, Lily, dear."

Derrick pushed Lily with a strong hand to her back but stopped when James said a jolly, "I'll join you!"

"…What?" Derrick gritted through his teeth.

"Well, I've suddenly found my schedule free," James said with a smirk.

Lily eyed him curiously. "But you never attend Slughorn's get-togethers."

"Gotta start somewhere, eh? Well, Derrick," James said snidely, "Lead the way." He waved a hand in front of him.

Derrick forced Lily to the left side of him so James would have to walk along side of him instead. "Wonderful. The more the merrier," he grumbled. He frowned as he heard cooing from James' fist. "Aren't you going to do something with that pigeon?" he asked distastefully.

"Oh, sure." James pocketed Herpes and wiped his dirty hands on his already owl-dropping covered trousers.

After a few edgy minutes of stillness to Slughorn's classroom, where Lily desperately tried not to giggle at the movement in James' pocket, they finally made it to the Slug Club headquarters.

Derrick shoved James roughly as he opened the door first for Lily to step inside.

"Oho! Lily, my dear!" Slughorn greeted with the usual over enthusiasm and fluttering moustache. She formed a faint smile in greeting. "Oho! Derrick, m'boy!" Derrick inclined a nod in response. "OHO! JAMES POTTER, M'BOY!"

He was starting to regret ever agreeing to come to this private party. No girl was worth this.

"James Potter!" Slughorn shot to his side and started eagerly shaking his hand with a slightly domineering look in his eye. "What a pleasure of you to attend! I know how those teachers keep you away with detention and those spectacular Quidditch skills of yours keep you busy on the pitch."

Derrick snorted, not looking at all impressed.

"Oho, jealously is a fickle thing, m'boy," Slughorn said, noticing his displeasure.

Derrick flushed. "Oh, there may be jealously, professor, but not in the way you think," he retorted, tightening a hand over Lily's.

"You must meet the others!" Slughorn said graciously, waving a hand to the other students who were gloomily munching on pastries to rather dull music. Slughorn stopped a moving elf that carried a tray of a bottle and empty goblets. "Sherry, anyone?"

Lily gasped. "Professor, I highly think it's appropriate of a teacher to be handing out drinks of sherry-"

"Gladly," James talked over her, taking the full glass of sherry the elf had poured. He drank the liquid down in barely a few gulps and slapped it back down on elf's tray. "Hit me," he said simply, indicating for another to make himself think in a less sober state that the party was simply a riot.

"Your sleeve appears to be talking."

James looked over to brim of his glass to cast Derrick a glower. "Excuse me?"

"Something's calling your name in your sleeve," Lily explained more politely, and Derrick shot her an irritated look for doing so.

"What the—oh!" James peeped down into his sleeve, remembering the Marauder Mirror he'd slipped in there. "I'll be back be a second," James told the couple, which they didn't seem to notice as Lily and Derrick both seemed to be in some sort of argument of quiet, fierce whispers.

James quickly made his way for the door of the classroom so he could communicate with the specific Marauder in privacy. Unfortunately, Slughorn broke off his conversation with a short, blonde haired girl, who quickly shot off whilst the professor had turned around to look at him. "Oho! James, m'boy! You better not be slipping off now!"

James gave him a weak smile. "Don't worry, professor! I'll be right back! Don't drink too much sherry now, sir!"

The professor laughed humorously and waved him off, looking disappointed when he turned around and found the girl had disappeared. Luckily he spotted another helpless student across the room. "Oho, Martha, my dear!"

James shut Slughorn's door with a click and he stood in the empty corridor. Making a cautious look around, he slipped out the mirror and held it in front of him. He rubbed at the owl droppings that had somehow got stuck to the front.

"Prongsie!" the mirror sang.

James burst into laughter as a giant plop of owl poop was covered on the mirror, directly on Sirius' face.

"What? What's so funny, butt pirate?" Sirius demanded.

James batted a hand. "Nothing, nothing. Now, what do you want, anal buccaneer?"

"Where are you?" Sirius peeked at the mirror closely and thrust his head forwards, as if he would get a better view of James' surroundings. "You need to come to Myrtle's bathroom! Now!"

"What?" James frowned. "Why?"

"'Cause Moony's got boobies!"

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, very funny, Padfoot. I don't have time for your nonsense."

"No, I'm telling the truth, man!"

"Whatever, Pad. Anyway, whatever you're doing, I can't come because I'm busy."

Sirius gave him a hurt look. "Where are you, anyways?"

James looked away from the mirror. "I'm at a Slug Club party."

"…No, seriously, where are you?" Sirius repeated again.

"Oh har-bloody-har, Sirius. I can mingle with more intellectual beings, y'know."

"Lily's there, isn't she?"

"Yep."

Sirius smirked. "Go figure. Pete saw Lily going to the Owlery. How many pigeons did you manage to do?"

James exposed the pigeon from his trousers and thrust it at the mirror. "Just one, I'm afraid."

Sirius examined the pigeon with squinting eyes. "That's Herpes, isn't it?"

"Yep."

"Har har."

"She's still upset with you, you know."

Sirius gave Herpes an apologetic look. "You know I love you, babe."

"For the love of God, please say you were talking to the bird."

"May-be."

"You are such a cock."

"At least I don't suck them."

An odd and audible cry of laughter (or scream, whatever you could classify it as) came from within the classroom.

"I've got to go," James said at once. "I might be missing the funniest thing of the party. Maybe someone's choking on a pumpkin pastry."

"Ooo-ooo!" Sirius jumped up and down excitedly. "Moony said those were good! Bring me back some, will you?"

"…Airy-fairy." James ended the conversation by shoving the mirror into his free trouser pocket, the one which wasn't occupied by an enraged pigeon.

"Oi, mork! Are you going to get me those pumpkin pastries or what? Oi! OI! HEL-LO!" Sirius shouted at the mirror, which had turned a shadowy black. "He hung up on me…"

"Can you hang up on someone who's on a mirror?"

"Honestly dunno, Pete. My brain can only process a few questions at a time. And right now I'm wondering whether Prongs is going to bring me back those pumpkin pastries or not."

"I have NEVER felt so humiliated in my life."

Sirius jumped at Remus' voice, forgetting his friend was there - boobs, dress, and all.

"Oh, you get tissue bosoms and suddenly you feel humiliated," Sirius put his hands his hands in the air in a mocking jig.

"Because it's not viable!" Remus said. "And impractical!"

Sirius rubbed his chin. "Hmm, I'm not so sure about that. You should see some of the guy's man boobs-" Remus instinctively groaned "-on the Quidditch team. You know when the team wins and all the guys take their shirts off to fly a victory lap around the pitch –oh, I wish that applied to the ladies- but anyway, some of the guys should really keep their shirts on if you know what I'm saying." He shuddered.

"Do you ever stop rambling?" Remus asked.

"My obnoxious mother asked me that once. But I don't want to talk about her because she's a cold, pureblood loving skank who I want to rot in hell and have been sending her howlers ever since I moved into James' house and-"

"Sirius," Peter cut in, pulling on his arm again as he showed him the Marauders map. "Snape's on his way back to the, er, 'wank hole'."

Sirius' jiggled excitedly. "Righto!" He turned to observe Remus bosoms again. "Are they the right size now? Do you want them bigger-?"

"Get those hands away from me!" Remus slapped his hand away as he kept his folded arms protectively over his tissue breasts. "I keep slapping femininely. How long is this Polyjuice potion going to last?"

"It's extra strong," Sirius grinned as if he were describing alcohol content. "Right, Operation Seduce Snape has begun! Now, let's go, madamois—Muh-hoony, where are you hobbling off to, miss?"

Remus hurried as quickly as possible as he hobbled in his high heels, trying to lock himself back into one of the cubicles.

"Myrtle! MYRTLE, STOP HIM!"

The ghost swooped down from her perching in a corner and zoomed straight into Remus' path, her ghostly figure passing through him.

"Aaaah, ghost shivering!" Remus moaned. His body wobbled as he tried to shake himself together.

Sirius and Peter took this opportune chance to pounce on him, taking a hold of each of his arms.

"No! No, I don't want to! Don't make me go back to him!" Remus begged, wrestling as the boys dragged him out of the bathroom. His heels squeaked as they scraped across the floor of the corridor whilst they made their way towards the dungeons.

"His breathing, Sirius. His breathing!" Remus tugged on Sirius' collar with a look of desperation in his eyes. "The grease, Sirius, please! That smile… so much iniquity…the malevolence…"

Sirius looked at him worriedly. "You're scaring me, Moony," he stated. "Hold yourself together, man—er, I mean, woman."

"Wickedness…malice…"

Sirius patted him on the head. "Yep, you'll be fine, Muh-hoony."

Peter tugged on Sirius' arm as he peeked at the map. "Snape's just around the corner," he informed.

Sirius grinned, rubbing his hands together eagerly. He and Peter continued to drag the stubborn Rhiana Peenapul across the corridor - by now he was so desperate that he was shouting at portraits for help.

"ABDUCTION!" Remus screamed at the top of his lungs. "KIDNAP! SEIZURE!"

"I do say, unhand that boy at once! Or you will suffer the wrath of the mighty Sir Cadog-"

"But a sock in it, you stupid knight," Sirius cut him off, giving him the middle finger.

Sir Cadogan huffed and galloped away through the portraits on his fat, grey pony.

The boys stopped at a corner where the corridor turned a left, and poked their heads out sneakily. They watched as Snape made his last few steps up to the entrance of the Slytherin common room.

"Quick, Moony!" Sirius hissed. "Before he gets inside the wank hole!" He gave Remus an almighty push round the corner and he stumbled forward, the sounds of his high heels echoing down the hall.

"That hurt, you obtuse goose!" Remus complained as he rubbed his back. He was about to hobble back behind the corner but the sound of his girlish name was called from the other end of the corridor.

"Rhiana? Is that...is that really you?"

Remus paled.

Peter peeped from behind the corner of the wall with an inclining head. "That's your name, remember?" he said lamely, thinking Remus' silence was due to forgetfulness.

"Of course I know that, Peter!" he hissed.

"Rhiana?"

Sirius sneaked a look behind the wall again and gave him an ordering look. "Don't keep him waiting, Moony! For goodness sake!" he murmured. "Get over there! And remember what I told you: seduction. SEDUCTION."

"Rhiana," Snape repeated, a little more impatient that he'd gotten no answer yet.

Remus slowly swivelled round, his hair whipping round and making Snape oddly catch his breath. He cautiously wobbled in his drastically high shoes until he was standing before Snape.

"Severus!" Remus squeaked in his practised feminine voice.

Snape looked astounded. "You're back! You left so suddenly without a word," he recalled, his head turning away with a faraway expression of loneliness.

"Er, yes, awfully sorry about that," Remus apologized. "I just, er, had to come back to see you again! I had to, uh, run away from my school! Everyone is looking for me, but I fled just to see your face one more time and to, um, touch that lovely soft, shining hair with my delicate fingertips!"

Goodness, Remus was too good at this.

"To see me again?" Snape repeated, gazing at her eyes. "You look striking," he admired her, letting his eyes run over his body. "You seemed to have…filled out more," he said faintly, eyes not drifting off Remus' new bosoms.

Remus was starting to feel how girls did when boys looked blatantly at their figure. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Really, you like this hideou—I mean, lovely dress?"

Snape grabbed Remus' hand again, which he knew happened too often for his liking and distinctly did not like Snape's sweaty hands holding his. "The colour brings out your eyes."

Remus simply couldn't comprehend how Snape had just used one of the cheesiest chat up lines in the history of time.

"But my eyes aren't turquoise," Remus pointed out with his Moony Manner Corrective-ness.

Snape stroked his hand and brought it to his lips in a slow kiss. "You have pools of the bluest oceans in your eyes."

Remus tried snatching his hand away as courteously as he could, though Snape seemed to be keeping a possessive hold on him.

"But Jame—I mean, my eyes are brown," Remus tried to correct him again. "There is no hint of blue or any other sort of cerulean col—BUGGER!" He wailed in pain, an invisible force smacking him in the stomach. "What in Merlin's name-"

"Seductiveness, Moony," a voice hissed in his hear, most probably under the invisibility cloak which actually belonged to James Potter but seemed to be around Sirius Black's shoulders more often than usual. "No Moony corrections!"

"Just eyelash fluttering and giggles! Girls do that loads!" a voice whispered, recognised as Peter.

Snape looked at Rhiana with concern. "Are you alright, Rhiana? You look faint. You could always come back to my dormitory to lie down…"

Remus did not like the sound of that.

"Oh, no, no, no," he shook his head, politely as possible. "No signs of faintness at all. I'm awake as anyone. I'm the most awake person in the Wizarding world," he emphasised, then made a two minute high-pitched giggle.

Snape gave an understanding nod. "Do you want to go for a walk somewhere?" He suggested, and Remus hoped to God he wouldn't add 'to the broom closet', and luckily Snape didn't.

"Well, I don't-" Remus began, but stopped by another invisible blow to the stomach. "That would be lovely," he said in a high voice, fluttering his eyelashes unnaturally until they watered, or maybe Remus was just on the verge of tears at that moment.

Snape grabbed for Rhiana's hand but Remus folded it under his arm. "Let's take it slow, shall we?" he gritted through his teeth.

"Feisty. I love women who like to be respected," Snape commented.

"Thank goodness I'm one of those girls, then," Remus said sourly as he followed Snape against his will.

James found out that The Slug's parties were indeed a riot. That audible laugh which he thought he heard from behind the door was predictably someone choking on a pumpkin pastry. And he'd missed it. Bugger.

"Hit me," he addressed the elf again.

"James Potter, sir, I don't think sir should have so much sherry at once."

"Don't worry, my alcohol capacity is large," James assured the elf, taking another full goblet.

Slughorn gave him a warm smile. "So, James, how are your parents? I know you've probably inherited all their great talent."

Derrick was in a worsening mood the more attention James got.

"'Suppose," James answered uncomfortably.

"Still the great Aurors I hear about in the Prophet? Still alive and well?"

"Professor!" Lily gasped at such a question.

"I hope they are," James said, trying not to glower at the professor. "Or maybe you've jinxed me and when I get home I'll find out Voldermort's killed them."

"Oho, m'boy, I didn't mean to cause offence-"

But James had already made a departing, sarcastic bow and took his goblet of sherry, winding his way through the room of Slughorn's members to find somewhere more likable to wallow in his sorrows.

Finding a gloomy corner, he leaned against the wall, observing the others in the room.

All puppets of Slughorn. All collectables. He could count at least ten people in this room who he guessed would become Death Eaters to that dark wizard in the future.

"Hey James."

His eyes came across the girl in front of him and he gave her a look of surprise. "Georgina," he greeted the girl, remembering Sirius mentioning her if he ever wanted a rebound snog. "How'd you get in here?" he asked suspiciously, not knowing the girl had any famous relatives or any special talent.

"Sneaked in," Georgina explained, joining him in the leaning against the wall.

"You picked a great party to sneak into," James said dryly.

"For the sherry," the girl added. "Or maybe for the particular company," she smiled as she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

James snorted. "You had no idea I was going to be here."

Georgina winced, "You know me too well." Her eyes flickered when she heard the sound of rustling and moved her gaze to James' trousers. "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she asked huskily.

"No, it's a pigeon."

"…What?"

James rustled in his pocket and revealed Herpes the newfound pigeon with many feathers protruding off her.

"Okay…" Georgina gave him a confused look but decided to let the moment pass. "Oi, elf!" she clicked her fingers to get the house elf's attention and it quickly hurried up to her, making a bow. James slightly frowned at the way she treated the creature but didn't comment. Georgina took one of the goblets without any thanks and started sipping.

"You know, we could always ditch this," Georgina suggested.

"Really?" James said, not appearing that interested. He tried to look as if he were in deep conversation with her but was too busy looking at that gigantic emerald ring on Lily's hand. "Ditch for what?"

Georgina shrugged her shoulders, but the look on her face explained it all. "You know, stuff."

James snorted into his glass of sherry. "Oh, stuff. That sounds like fun," he said sarcastically.

Lily looked away from her conversation with another girl and met James' eyes, whilst Georgina observed. She leant closer James, so much he could feel her warm breath against his cheek. "It'd drive her crazy," she murmured, low and smooth. Finally, she got James' attention.

"Really?" he replied, curious. He turned his head to look at her and she was barely inches away from touching his lips. He quickly pressed his hand gently to her waist and pushed her away. "Sorry, I can't," he apologized awkwardly.

Georgina looked taken aback but shrugged as if his decline did not bother her. "You're still hooked on her, then?" she questioned, her eyes boring on Lily.

"Yep," James gave a weak smile.

Georgina sighed. "This is practically the hundredth time you've turned me down for her," she complained, "You do know she's going out with-"

"Derrick," James cut in. "Yeah."

Georgina gave him a sceptic look but took more interest in her drink, chugging the last drops and slapping it down on a passing elf's tray. Making a glimpse around the room, she focused her attention on a good looking Hufflepuff that passed them both and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"You're off, then?" James assumed.

"Yeah," Georgina said, licking her lips at the light haired wizard. She held a hand to James' shoulder in departure. "Another time?"

"Don't get your hopes up," James said roguishly.

The girl pressed a hand to her chest and faked affront, "You may have Avada-kedavra-ed me with too many jokes tonight. See you later, James."

He rolled his eyes and expected her to leave but she glanced around in her exit, saying the warning words, "Watch him."

James coughed up some of his sherry and gave her a blank look. "Uh, what?"

"Watch him," she warned again, then told him who she was referring to as her eyes landed on Derrick. James followed her gaze and furrowed his brow.

"What are you trying to say, Georgina?"

"Ravenclaws are darker than you think."

"But you're a Ravenclaw."

She smirked, "Exactly."

James watched her hip-swing away and hook her arm around the new wizard her eyes had latched onto earlier. He found those last words slightly haunting, and let his eyes glaze over as he contemplated her words.

"It's awful."

James jumped out of his skin, slightly tipping some of his drink on his shirt. "Sodding typical," he cursed. He instantly softened when he noticed Lily was leaning on the same wall he was against, in the same spot Georgina had been seconds ago.

"What's awful?" he replied. Glimpsing round the room to see where Derrick was, he spotted the blonde-haired boy chatting animatedly with a fellow Ravenclaw, completely diverted.

"The way the house elves are treated here," Lily continued sombrely. She declined a drink from a bowed elf and promptly told the creature to have a 'break.'

"What is this…'break', you speak of, miss?"

"You know," Lily said, her eyes wide and incomprehensible, "When you stop working for a short time?"

"Stop…working?"

Lily heaved a sigh, whilst James tried not to smile at the scene.

The more he was around her the more he was falling on love with her.

"I need to talk to you for a sec," James whispered in her ear.

Lily glimpsed around the room self-consciously. "I don't think this is the-" She broke off abruptly as James seized her hand and began dragging her in and out of the mingling Slug Club members, to the exit of the classroom.

"James, people are watching—James!" she hissed, feigning innocent smiles as she passed other students. She desperately glimpsed around the room to see if Derrick had seen them both, relieved when he was still immersed talking with students of his house.

"You have got to stop dragging me places," Lily told him the second they stepped into the empty corridor.

James took no time to fuss about, knowing he didn't have much time. "Lily, that ring…"

"What about it?" she questioned, baffled by his interest to it.

James started pacing unconsciously, whilst ruffling his hair making it stand on end. "I know it's going to sound completely ridiculous, but there's something creepy about it." His tone of voice was one of forewarning.

Lily watched his treading figure. "I don't understand."

James stopped his pacing and held on to her shoulders. "I mean, how did Derrick know we were earlier, on that floor, or even that corridor? Hogwarts isn't exactly small, is it," Lily remained silently bemused, "Tell me…tell me there haven't been situations where Derrick hasn't known where exactly you are, ever since you got that ring."

Lily felt her stomach squirming with dread. "Well, maybe a couple of times," she said, her voice barely audible, "But I don't see how-"

"Don't be so naive," James interjected, taking his hands off her shoulders in frustration. "Derrick's done something to that ring!"

Lily's jaw clenched. "Done what exactly?" she demanded. She already knew where this conversation was going and didn't like it one bit.

James massaged his head. "I don't know for sure," Lily snorted at this statement, "But he must have put some sort of tracking spell on it, so he knowsexactly where you are. So he can follow your every move."

Lily hastily shook her head. "That's absurd. He'd…he'd never do anything like that."

"How do you know? You barely know him," he retorted.

"But it was merely by chance that he'd found me!" Lily said, though you could tell she was only trying to convince herself. "Just a coincidence-"

"Nothing is a coincidence in the Wizarding world, Lily! There are no coincidences when there's magic."

His words hit her like a blow to the face and she couldn't help but feel this statement was partly true, but still she believed there had to be good in people. And there just had to be an ounce of goodness in Derrick.

"This is ridiculous," Lily stared him straight in the face, "You're just making up silly little stories so I'll dump Derrick and go out with you instead. I'm just a parcel everyone's handing around," she snapped.

James looked at her ruefully. "Lily, I'm trying to protect you. I care about you-"

"Then believe me," Lily cut in, pleading for him to stop this uproar, "Believe me when I say that I can judge a person's character well. And Derrick wouldn't do something like that."

"And believe me, there's something dodgy about that ring. Just take it off," he commanded, almost smiling. "Go on. Take it off your finger."

Lily stroked the silver band of the loop. "No," she mumbled.

"Why? Because you're afraid of what Derrick might do when he finds out its not there?"

Lily reddened in anger. "No, I'm keeping it on because I want to."

"Liar."

"You're the last person to ridicule me on lying, James!"

He bit on his lip in regret. They were both red in the face and it was beginning to look like a fifth year 'you-make-me-sick' screaming match.

"I know there's something dodgy about that ring, Lily."

She looked him sourly in the face. "Then prove it."

"Derrick is guaranteed to come out of that door in barely seconds," James predicted, pointing a finger at Slughorn's classroom but keeping his eyes focused on Lily's.

She snorted. "No he-"

The door creaked open and Derrick slipped out, already looking irate before even spotting the two of them.

Lily took a shaken intake of breath, whilst James was pleased his suspicions of the ring were correct, though he still kept his mouth in a downwards position.

Lily tried to keep her composure and mimed to James, 'Another coincidence.'

James mimed back, 'There are none.'

"I think I've given you two long enough," Derrick said fiercely, looking fixedly at James. He forgot all polite yet snooty acts and let all his hate towards James stifle him. "I've seen you two together too many times for my liking."

Lily was worried how far Derrick's anger would go and clung to his side, trying to appease him. "Nothing's going on," she murmured.

Derrick pushed her arm roughly off him and cornered more on James, who predictably kept his stance with the usual pride and poise.

"I've been trying to subtly drop hints to you, James," Derrick spat, "But you obviously don't seem to be getting the message. Stay away from her."

James tightened his jaw. "She has a name, you know," he said ferociously, "She's not an object. She can do whatever she wants."

Derrick shot Lily a stern look. "Nothing's going on," she echoed again. She rubbed reassuringly at his arm as she tiptoed to murmur in his ear, "Nothing, I swear."

Derrick smirked as he watched James tense, the closer Lily moved in to him. Satisfied by James' jealousy, he told Lily, "Let's go back inside, dear."

He strode ahead, opening the door open for her, whilst the dull music from Slughorn's classroom filled up the tense atmosphere in the corridor.

"Oho! Derrick, m'boy! And Lily!" Slughorn's voice called from within. "Come back inside so I can introduce you to Matthew here. His uncle is rather famously known for-"

"We're coming, professor," Derrick interrupted in reassurance, not wanting to hear the boy's uncle's life story without a goblet of sherry in his hand. "Now, Lily," he pressed, waiting for her to move.

She looked down at her feet and began to walk inside.

"Lily," James touched her arm and she froze. "Lily, please, don't walk away from me. I'm begging you-"

Her eyes were getting glossy and she hated looking so weak. "I-"

"Don't let him fool you," Derrick cut in, glaring daggers at James. "He's still that same little boy," he jeered, "That same brat who ruffles his hair for attention and has charmed practically every girl in this school—"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" James bellowed. "You don't even know me!"

"Calm down, James-" Lily said. She was very aware that the music inside Slughorn's classroom had stopped and a few students were moving to pop out through the doorway.

"I don't know what she sees in you!" James carried on shouting. "You're a manipulative prick!"

Derrick did not like the attention they were getting - the wrong kind. "Stop mouthing off," he spat.

"Lily might do what you say but that's because she's too good of a person. But," James shook his head, simply livid, "Don't you dare tell me what to do. Don't you even dare."

James was unexpectedly pushed against the wall and Derrick stuck his wand dangerously into his neck. Gasps were heard from the Slug club invitees, but they didn't stop the fray and instead just merely watched, glad for some entertainment finally.

"Get off him, Derrick! Derrick, stop it." Lily tried pushing him back but he determinedly kept his wand pointing at James.

"Ah," James smiled quite insanely, "Too coward to fight with your actual hands, then?" Derrick dug the wand deeper and James' neck coloured red. "Magic isn't always the answer."

"I'd quit before you're ahead. Slytherins aren't the only ones who know Dark arts."

James exploded, mentioning using dark arts was the last draw for him. In swift motion, he shoved Derrick in the stomach who fumbled back in surprise, dropping his wand to the floor. With another great shove, James pushed Derrick backwards again and he fell on his back.

"Funny how the tables turn, isn't it, Derrick?" He pointed his own wand at the boy which he'd grabbed from his back trouser pocket.

Derrick scrambled for his wand and James kicked it away. An unusual sense of panic flickered in front of the Ravenclaw's eyes.

The Slug club members were on their edge of their seats, silently watching the two boy's next move, whilst heads turned to look where the professor was.

"Stop it," Lily ordered, standing between them. James tried to push her aside but she stood fixedly blocking his path. "If you hurt him I will never forgive you," her voice quavered.

For as long as she lived, she never wanted to see a person hurt because of her existence.

He kept his wand raised.

"I mean it, James."

He lowered his wand instantly.

"Oho! Why is everyone looking outside?" Slughorn waded through the crowd. "You're missing my story about how me and the famous Muggle singer -Elifis I think his name was- met in Trafalgar square. You know, the place with the pigeons, m'boy," he explained as an uneducated student gave him a blank look, indicating his poor geographical skills. "Well, we had a cup of tea and then we went to Buckingham palace to meet the Muggle Queen and—oh, what's going on here? What are you doing on the floor, Derrick, m'boy?"

Knowing he was safe in the professor's presence, he got to his feet and dusted off his hands.

"That…" Derrick searched for the right insult, "That…child, attacked me."

James made no threats of movement. Lily had warned him… But still he kept a frightful glare on Derrick and his spiky tresses.

The professor noticed the eye contact and oddly guessed what had happened. "Maybe you should go back to your tower, James, m'boy."

If he called him "m'boy" one more time, James would fling a dinner plate at his head. Why particularly a dinner plate, he did not know. Possibly because Slughorn was used to shovelling so much food in to his mouth from them at the dinner table.

"But, Professor," James gritted through his teeth. "I haven't finished your lovely party. Or my glass of sherry."

Slughorn clicked his fingers and an elf appeared at his side, whilst Lily scowled at how he was commanded at the sound. He handed a bottle of sherry to James from the elf's tray and warmly patted him on the back.

"On your way now…m'boy," Slughorn smiled.

He needed to leave. Now.

The Slug Club members headed back to the 'wild party', returning to the gentle swaying or the occasional head nod to the beat of the music.

"I'll be inside," Derrick said gruffly to Lily, storming back into the classroom. His tone of voice blatantly said, 'And you better be in there too within five seconds or I will be in such a hissy fit.'

James stood uncomfortably with the bottle of sherry in his arms, alone in the bare corridor with Lily.

"I-" He started.

"Your pigeon's cooing," she butted in.

She bowed her head, eyes shiny, and slipped back inside Slughorn's classroom.

James didn't know what he would have finished on that sentence of 'I', but a prickling feeling inside him knew it began with the letter 'l' and ended with the word 'you'.

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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................ Anyone love this chap like i do? PROVE IT! Same drill-

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