Chapter 23- Rock, Parchment and Scissors?

"Heh…heh…he-"

"Stop it, Wormtail." Sirius pouted. "I think it looks rather fetching and—God, who am I kidding? It looks like a girly headband. And you bloody turning it pink did not help, Prongs. I'd have clouted you one if you weren't so down in the dumps about Evans going out with—"

"Don't say his name."

Sirius stopped in his tracks on the way to the lesson of Charms, peeking at his reflection in one of the corridor windows. "She did it on purpose, you know. I know she did. Madam Pom Poms fixes head cuts just like that," he clicked his fingers, "But wrapping my head with this bandage thing! It's so…Muggle-like."

He played with the tufts of his air and frowned, the pink bandaging not suiting the colour of his face complexion.

"This is technically your fault, Prongs. That broken glass wouldn't normally have been there—"

"Trust me, it would have been there," James argued.

Sirius laughed. "Our dorm isn't that messy!"

"I found a first year living under my bed the other day," Peter mentioned.

"Oh, you mean Michael?" Sirius said casually. "He's been living there for months now."

Peter was a little annoyed to why he hadn't been informed this before. James prodded Sirius' so-called headband.

"I look like one of those Muggle ninja's…wait, a sec," Sirius paused, considering this representation, "Why am I complaining about this? Ninja's are brilliant!" He cut the air with a karate chop.

"The pinkness kind of makes it look less impressive," James pointed out.

"I'd Dead Leg you if you weren't so suicidal about Evans going out with—"

"Don't you dare say his name or I'll tighten that headband until it makes your head explode. Brain splats, Sirius, brain splats."

Sirius laughed at the false threat, yet Peter stepped at least one foot away from James and accidentally tumbled into one of the corridor knights.

"You're awfully quiet, Moony. What's up? Forgot to do some homework? Wait, that'd never happen…unless you're ill or something. You're not ill, are you, Moony? I thought you got that lubricator—I mean, cream, for the rashes. Are you dying? Why didn't you tell me you only had two weeks to live? What do you mean you just wanted to spend the few days of your life in normality! Oh God, I say, oh good golly—"

"Shut up, Sirius."

This comment had strangely come from James. Remus remained silent and appeared to be…shaking?

"Wha…? No witty remark? No sharp tongue? You have a pointy tongue…" Sirius trailed off, with a furrowed brow as he tried to remember whether he mentioned that before. It seemed as if Remus hadn't recovered from the abduction of last night.

Sirius could not control his gaping. "No clever retort? Seriously, if this is some kind of joke where you remain frighteningly silent, it's not funny." Remus stared on blankly. "OH, GOOD MERLIN! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

The boys managed to turn up to Charms after much casual strolling with not very conspicuous peeks at the windows made by Sirius, yet Remus somehow looked even worse than before, as if the full moon had come early.

"Remus? Remus, you're rocking...Hello? Hel-lo?"

James waved his hand in front of Remus' pale face for a lengthy duration of time, until he accidentally flicked him in the face with an uncontrollable finger and winced as he backed away, prepared for a Moony Reaction.

There was none.

"I know," Peter said. He glanced at the Charms professor who seemed to be preoccupied with a student forgetting to do their homework, using the excuse of, 'My, er, Niffler ate it'. "This will get him out of his trance." Peter revealed a packet of marshmallows from his school bag.

"Wormtail!" Sirius landed his stool on all fours from leaning back lazily. "How long have you been hiding those from me, eh? EH?"

Peter cringed. "I...um..." he fumbled.

"Haven't you ever heard of sharing, Pete? Am I or am I not your friend?"

"Yes, you're my friend."

"And what are you not doing?"

Peter sighed. "Sharing," he mumbled, obediently.

Sirius snatched the bag of marshmallows from Peter's grasp and said a pleasant, "Exactly!" Looking inside the contents of the packet, he scowled at Peter. "How much did you eat, you little pigg-ee-let!" he said, though the bag was three quarters full.

James glimpsed at Remus, worried why he hadn't corrected Sirius' sentence. "Um, Moony looks a little shaken up about something, so I feel as if it's my duty to correct you instead, Padfoot. It's piglet, not 'piggylet'."

"But doesn't it sound so much cuter?"

James decided no to answer on the grounds of not wanting to lose his masculinity.

"Now," Sirius rubbed his hands together and juggled the sweet bag, "I'll just divide these out evenly." He offered a marshmallow to James but he declined.

"They taste like cack," James grimaced, pushing the bag of marshmallows away from him. "Soft...cack."

Sirius gasped. "How can you not like marshmallows? It's like saying you don't like toast!"

"But I like toast!"

"You're weird," Sirius declared, dismissing the conversation to an end.

"At least I don't get a hard on to marshmallows..." James muttered under his breath.

"Now, to share the marshmallows between me and Pete." Sirius tipped the bag from the bottom until a mountain of marshmallows were resting on his hand, then handed back the bag with only two marshmallows left for Peter. "Yooo," Sirius pointed at Peter, around five marshmallows impressively stuck inside his big gob, "Ar uh greey buhur. Ah woh ou ar."

"Was there a point to this marshmallows randomness?" James asked exasperatedly.

"Oh, yes," Peter nodded. He took one of his marshmallows and lingered it below Remus' nostrils, as if the intoxicating, sweet smell would make Remus come out of his shaking state. When this didn't appear to be working, he tried wafting the smell with the back of his hand but only resulted in slapping Remus' face by accident.

Just like James had done, he backed away, expecting a Moony Reaction of witty scolding.

Just like before, there was none.

"Maybe it needs to be in his mouth?" James offered helpfully.

Peter shrugged and redirected the marshmallow to Remus' lips. After Remus did not open his mouth after Peter had been tapping the soft sweet against his lips, he used his fingers to physically force apart and managed to fit the marshmallow inside his lips, resting between his gums.

The boys watched the marshmallow slowly fall out of his mouth and flop onto the floor, whist Remus stared ahead. Sirius appeared to be whistling whilst eating what appeared to be six marshmallows now, so his whistle really sounded like a hoarse blow of spit.

"Alright, marshmallow boy, what did you do to him?"

"Uh do' nuh woh ou tal'in abou."

"Chew and swallow, Padfoot, it's not that hard."

"Mr. Black, stop eating in class. We are barely ten minutes into the first lesson of the day and you're already eating! You've only just had breakfast."

Sirius heated in the face at the professor's remark, trying to swallow the marshmallows as quickly as possible. It appeared that too many marshmallows in the mouth could slightly suffocate you, leading to violent choking.

"Padfoot, you're spitting all over my face," James complained, narrowing his eyes at his friend who was coughing saliva everywhere. He recoiled as a flick of spit landed on his glasses, having to resort to using his forefingers as windscreen wipers to wipe it off.

"I think he needs water."

"NGAARGH!"

"Do you think so, Wormtail?" James said conversationally.

"UURGAAARGH!"

James looked at Remus for a sort of an order on what to do, like he usually did, but Remus was clearly too unbalanced to advise anyone at that moment.

With a thumping thwack from Peter who patted his hand strongly to Sirius' back, the saliva-ridden marshmallows flew out and hit Snape upside the head.

James and Sirius punched the air simultaneously. "Score!" they cheered.

"Black! Put rest of those marshmallows on my desk at once."

Sirius grumpily mooched to the front of the class and dropped the fluffy sweets in front of the teacher, where the professor secretly stashed them into her desk draw to eat later.

"Okay…so, what were we talking about again?" James asked.

The sound of Remus' whimpering reminded the boys.

Sirius laughed nervously. "I think he's just a bit nervous that I will suddenly force-drink him Polyjuice potion." He patted Remus warmly on the back.

Remus instantly recoiled with a high pitched wail and fell off his stool.

His classmates tried not to stare at him, but it was hard not to look at someone who'd just had a panic attack in a full classroom, and now was giving the impression that he was taking refuge under a classroom desk.

"Lupin, get out from under there." There was no response, which was quite worrying because Remus always answered a teacher politely as possible. "Lupin, five seconds or I will have to give you detention. One—"

Remus saw sense and crept back on to his stool. James glared fully at Sirius - he was fiddling with his headband, pointing his wand at it, testing out the different colours as it flickered a new shade every few seconds like a disco light. "What?" he whined, noticing James' gaze. "What? I am not the person in the wrong here!"

"You did abduct him and tie him to a chair," Peter said weakly. "That's considered as breaking the law in some countries."

"Oh, Moony got over that thing." Sirius lazed back on his stool once more. "I'm talking about this morning, when I woke up early and tried tipping the potion into his mouth whilst he was sleeping."

James looked at Remus for a confirmation; he simply shut his eyes as if the memory was too painful to narrate in words.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?"

Sirius yawned, "Nah. I've done it before. No worries."

Peter felt like he could never sleep again.

"Padfoot, why can't you just drink the Polyjuice potion and do whatever you're going to do Snape yourself, you lazy git?"

Remus couldn't help but nod along to what James said, but still remained as quiet as a mouse.

"Just get it over with already. I need Moony back to his usual self so he can copy down notes. We're lacking in notes, Sirius. Or as Remus would say: 'We are deficient in note-taking'."

Remus nodded swiftly again.

"I can't because I need to be myself in the prank. And besides, it needs to be stretched this long," Sirius said vaguely.

James looked at him with confusion. "Stretched? Stretched for who?"

Sirius looked to his right and left before answering, "The papooses. To satisfy the papooses."

James gave him a ridiculous look. "Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"

"No."

James laughed and Peter joined in because it was compulsory.

"No, really, I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's quite worrying," Sirius said with an upset face.

This only made James laugh harder at Sirius' genuine concern.

"Have you done EH-BA-BOO with Remus so it's fair that he has to drink the potion?" Peter asked, whilst Remus leaned in slightly, looking mildly interested.

The top of Sirius' tongue stuck out in confusion. "What the heck is eeee baaa…whatever you just said?"

Peter reddened at their lack of not knowing what he was talking about. "Rock, Parchment, Scissors," he explained.

Remus was quite sure he'd just taken the game from Muggles and replaced 'paper' with 'parchment'.

"Why do you call it EH-BA-BOO?" James asked, pulling a face.

"Because it's more fun saying funny words when you rock your hand," Peter grinned. "EH," he swayed his fist, "BA," he swayed it again, "BOO!" He yelled, showing a scissors gesture.

"That's stupid. It's not any more fun if you yell weird words."

"Yes it is! Try it!"

James and Sirius rolled their eyes in chorus and started shaking their fists, yelling the odd words.

"EH-BA-BOO! See, I told you it…oh, my goodness," James murmured, sounding as if he was having some sort of orgasm.

"I've never felt such satisfaction from yelling out words whilst shaking my fist! AH HAR HAR! EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius laughed vigorously. "EH-BAH-BOO!"

James joined in, and Peter too, but was wondering why they weren't actually taking note of who was winning the Rock, Parchment, Scissors game, and only seemed to be focusing on shouting 'EH-BA-BOO!' at the top of their lungs.

"EH-BA-BOO!" The three boys chanted. Remus looked at them oddly and tried hiding under the desk again. "EH-BA-BOO! EH-BA-B—"

"What on earth are you shouting about?" The professor yelled, standing in front of their desk.

The class looked at the Marauders, already gossiping about the rumours of: 'Oh, my God, oh my God! Did you hear about what happened with that fella Sirius and that other bloke Remus? Apparently, and I don't know for sure but I'm positive that my sources are correct because Lisa never makes stuff up, unless you count that time she was seeing my boyfriend behind my back, but we'll be best friends forever and no boy will ever come between us and she's a complete utter quiche, but don't tell her I said that. But anyway, Sirius tied Remus to a chair, blindfolded, and he fed him strawberries dipped in chocolate and they had kinky shagging all night. Lisa heard them going at it all the way from the Hufflepuff dormitory. Don't tell anyone because it's supposed to be a secret and—oh, hey! There's Natalie. NATALIE! OI, NAT! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SIRIUS AND REMUS? COME OVER 'ERE! I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!'

"We're playing Rock, Parchment, Scissors whilst shouting odd words," Sirius explained to the professor.

"Excuse me?"

Sirius looked around at the staring classmates. "C'mon, try it! It's so crapping fun!"

A clearly deluded Lily gestured her hand into a fist and began to shout the beginning of an 'EH-BA', then slapped her head in stupidity for even following what Sirius Black was saying. She hid her hands under the desk and told herself not to take them out until the end of the lesson.

Meanwhile, the whole class was busy putting their hands into fists, chanting together the 'EH-BA-BOO', whilst some slightly unintelligent others were shown how to put their hands into fists and the procedure of the Rock, Parchment, Scissors game.

"EH-BA-BOO! EH-BA-BOO!"

Severus Snape found his forming into a fist and he had to glare at it severely to stop the action, and clamped his lips together to prevent a giddy shout himself.

"What is going on?" The professor shrieked. "You are sixth years! How can you seek pleasure in screaming at the top of your lungs?"

The class immaturely took this as a reference to sex.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" The professor put his hands in the air in frustration. "Class is dismissed early."

"But, professor, we have at least 45 minutes left," Lily pointed out.

The professor gave her a look that said 'I-clearly-cannot-cope-any-longer' and opened the classroom door with a flick of his wand. "And if anyone reports me to Professor Dumbledore, I will charm you into balloons."

With the possibility of being turned into thin rubber filled with air, and the dangers of floating away or being popped by anything remotely sharp, none of the students would tell a living soul about leaving class early.

"Moony, I'm giving you a chance here," Sirius said, walking with the boys on their way back to the common room after their brief Charms lesson. "Rock, Parchment, scissors, best of three games, and if you win, I won't make you drink the Polyjuice potion."

Remus looked a little hesitant, preferring general knowledge competitions. "I don't know…" he spoke unsurely.

"You're likely to win, Moony," James said favourably. "Sirius is dumb, remember?"

"I resent that!"

James lowered his voice to whisper in Remus' ear, "He always picks rock."

Remus smiled, knowing the secret of Sirius' technique, or more likely: his blunder.

"Alright, then," Remus said with newfound confidence.

Sirius and Remus stood head to head, both fists raised highly in the air; an odd crowd of the previous Charms classmates had encircled them with anticipation.

"You've got to shout 'EH-BA-BOO' by the way," Peter mentioned, elbowing Remus with extra energized feeling.

Remus' face dropped. "That's inane," he hissed.

"Greasy hair, Moony," James said, a glint of obscurity in his eyes. "His oily, black tresses touching your face as he breathes heavily with too much effort for it to look normal…"

Remus quirked an eyebrow, "Are you talking about Sirius?"

"No, Snivellus," James clarified.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, looking highly offended.

"Christ! Alright!" Remus gave in, shaking himself of level-headedness.

The boys thrust their fists forward, both shouting the words, "EH-BA-BOO!" with the finishing hand gesture.

"Ooooo!" The crowd jeered.

"James! You lied to me!" Remus screeched, extremely miffed. He detracted his hand of a Parchment sign, which had just lost to Sirius' winning scissors.

James winced and shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"Ooooo!" The crowd jeered again.

"Ah, shit!" Sirius swore, lifting his fist closely to his face. "Stupid rock! WHY DO YOU FAIL ME SO?"

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, petting his hand gesture of the same parchment sign.

It was one all. The next move was crucial.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

The crowd made cries of disappointment.

"Two scissors?" Peter questioned, examining both hands. "Maddness… That's never happened. Try again."

There was more deadly silence as the boys shook their fists again.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

"Both rocks? Damn it, stop picking the same signs! It's boring," James complained.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both parchment.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both rocks.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both scissors.

Peter wiped the sweat from his brow. "This shouldn't happen so many times in a row," he murmured, "Madness, I say, madness."

The crowd eventually dispersed, whilst Sirius and Remus carried on playing 'Rock, Parchment, Scissors' on their way back to the common room, which they continued non-stop for the rest of the day.

"Oh yeah, jiggle those melons, Evans."

"Potter?"

"That's right. Say my name."

"James, will you wake u—"

"Louder, c'mon, say it."

"JAMES!"

The boy awoke from his seat of snoozing against the classroom desk and managed to bash his head with Lily's jaw - very gracefully, might I add.

"Good morning," James greeted her with a wince, running a hand roughly through his hair.

"Class finished five minutes ago, James."

He swirled his head around to look at the empty classroom and flushed. "Didn't my minions wake me?" he referred to the rest of 'his' Marauders. "Tit heads…"

Lily gave him a pitying look. "Are you okay?" she asked with a worried expression.

"I just didn't get any sleep last night…" he said vaguely, rubbing the black patches under his strained eyes.

"You should ask for a dreamless sleep potion from Madam Pom Poms."

James shrugged lightly, "Maybe I don't want to stop the dreams."

Lily didn't like where this was going.

"Well, er, I should be leaving," she fumbled.

"Derrick waiting?" James assumed, with a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

Lily considered her answer. "Yes?" she lied uncertainly. She gave him a faint smile with a slight wave, and then made her way to the classroom door.

"I forgive you, you know."

Lily stopped in her tracks and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"I forgive you for going out with Derrick."

Lily remained puzzled, debating whether to answer. "That's…nice."

James leapt from his stool with newfound energy, walking towards Lily with poise that only seemed to mesmerise people.

"I can understand why you're doing it," he said in a silky voice, "And I know its only temporary—"

Lilt felt a pang of guilt in her stomach. "It's not temporary, James, it's—"

He hushed her with a finger to her lips.

Lily really didn't like where this was going.

"What are you doing?" she said a murmur, happy that James had moved his finger from her lips but not happy that he'd redirected to stroke the curve of her cheek.

James looked intensely in her eyes. "I can't remember what it's like kissing you."

"That doesn't mean you need a reminder," Lily hissed, blushing, "I'm not Remedial Potions!"

James leaned in closer, his breath grazing her nose.

"You smell like fish."

James eyes' widened. "Er…what?" he asked, truly baffled.

"Your breath smells likes fish," she said more loudly.

"Oh, I had fishcakes earlier," James explained.

Lily raised a brow, "For breakfast?"

"I have a weird appetite."

Lily was very bothered by the fact that she wanted to kiss James anyway with his fishy breath.

Don't show me up like that again, DEAR.

Lily flinched at the sound Derrick's voice in her head. "I can't—I'm sorry," she shook her head. She placed a hand over James' fingers that were touching her cheek, and pulled it down to his side-ignoring the way their fingers longed to be intertwined.

James gave her a look of surprising acceptance.

"I'll always wait for you, Lily."

She argued with the answer of 'I know,' and settled with saying, "You won't need to."

There were two ways of taking this answer, and James hope it was the one that he was praying she meant in her head.

"I'll see you later, James."

Lily tugged herself away from his craving presence and left the classroom; with an involuntary glance back at him which she later cursed herself for doing.

James also hoped there were two meanings to her goodbye, and desperately hoped it was the one he again prayed for in his head.

"It's amazing," James shook his head in utter disbelief, "Bloody amazing."

"EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius and Remus mumbled in between the chewing of their food, in the Great Hall at dinner. Sirius dribbled a bit of his gravy and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Both parchments," Peter said. "Both. Parchments. How? It's just not possible…" he trailed off, confused, but not so confused that he couldn't eat the rest of his tasty Shepherds' pie.

"EH-BA-BOO!" They tried again.

"Sodding rocks," James said, looking at both hand gestures. Remus and Sirius shrugged mutually. "But you've been going on for at least four straight hours, and you've got the same hand sign! This is some kind of prank, right?"

Remus looked at him tiredly. "Trust me, James. I'm trying everything to win this stupid game so I don't have to drink that Polyjuice potion." He swayed his fist again, getting yet again the same scissors hand as Sirius.

"Did you find anything good stuff in the library to prank-?"

"Don't say his name," James cut off Sirius for the hundredth time that day.

Sirius groaned. "But how am I supposed to talk about him in conversation, dimwit?"

"Call him a nickname. Like…bleached hedgehog," James suggested.

"Righto. EH-BA-BOO! Damn it, stupid parchment," Sirius cursed, lowering his swearing due to the headmaster eating his mash potatoes only feet away. He slammed his fist down at the table and made a plate of roast jump in the air.

"Anyway," James said, making a mental note to put Sirius in anger management. "Pete and I couldn't find anything in the library. We can all have another look later," he indicated to the four of them. "I don't want to leave you two alone again," he snickered at Remus and Sirius.

"Har-sodding-har."

"Besides, six hands are better than four," James added.

Remus re-analyzed over that sentence. "Don't you mean eight hands?" he corrected.

"No, because one of either your hands with probably still be playing Rock, Parchment, Scissors."

"EFFING SCISSORS."

Remus gave Sirius The Look, indicating to quieten down because they were attracting quite enough attention.

"I thought of a few pranks to do against the hedgehog," James mentioned, playing with his food. "But they seem a little, er, what's the word?"

"Childish and immature?" Remus offered.

"That's a little harsh, Remus."

"Aren't all pranks childish and immature?" Peter assumed.

James stuck out his tongue in thought. "Well, technically yes, but-"

The sound of hushing and whispers erupted in the Great Hall as everyone focused on the couple that had entered: Lily and Derrick. For some odd reason, everyone's gaze was also on James, everyone knowing his particular obsession with the girl, waiting for some sort of reaction.

James tried to keep the fake smile on his face and bowed his head, eating the rest of his custard tart. Sirius attempted getting their attention off his friend. "What are you all looking at?" he said audibly, his voice echoing in the hall as everyone shied embarrassingly away from his gaze. "What is this, some kind of freak show? If you want that, just look at Peter, for Merlin's sake!"

"Hey!"

"Oh! Sorry, Pete. Forgot you were here. I mean," Sirius lowered his voice, "Be a friend, Wormtail. I'm just trying to protect James."

At the mention of James' name, the boys followed his stare to further down the table -James appeared to be burning a hole through Derrick' head with such a heated glare. He was doing the unthinkable.

He was sitting at the Gryffindor table.

"Is this some sort of April Fool?" Sirius questioned, watching as Derrick was tucking into a roast dinner whilst Lily sat beside him, looking deadpan. "Wait, what month is it?" He started counting the numbers on his fingers.

"This image is so wrong," James said, "So wrong." His voice got squeakier with anger. "So…wrong."

Peter was practically tearing at his hair. "Doesn't he understand The Rules?" he cried, "The Table House Rules! Why does he disobey the rules? Why?Why!"

Remus looked back and forth between them all. "What? I don't understand."

James gasped. "He's a Ravenclaw, Remus!" he hissed. "They have House Tables for a reason, y'know! He's totally disrespecting Hogwarts!"

"But don't you think the separate tables segregate the—"

"Oh, you are not on his side, Remus Lupin!" James interrupted, glaring daggers.

Remus cowered. "I'm not in his side," he justified.

"How dare that little turd sit at OUR TABLE?" Sirius said furiously. "I mean, EH-BA-BOO," he continued the game, getting yet another Rock Sign along with Remus, "he's asking for a death sentence, EH-BA-BOO, and I'll give him one."

Remus prepared himself for a physical beating for what he was going to say next. "I think Derr—" James glowered. "I mean, bleached hedgehog, has the right to sit anywhere he wants, doesn't he? I mean, really, students from other houses should mix more often."

"I don't understand," the three boys said, scarily together.

"I'm a Hufflepuff," a fellow sixth year mentioned a couple of seats away from the Marauders, eavesdropping on the conversation. "I sit here, and at the Hufflepuff table, and have been doing for the past six years. Are you saying I'm not allowed to?" she asked dangerously.

"Well, you're pretty," Sirius stated, with a tone of obvious blatancy. "You're allowed to stay on this table. In fact, why not take a seat next to me?" He pushed Peter backwards out of his seat so the bench was free for the girl.

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're totally going against your principles, Sirius."

"Women have that affect on me…anyway; I have a prank for the hedgehog!"

James' eyes glinted. "You do, Padfoot?"

"Yep," Sirius nodded, "And I think I'll need your assistance, Prongs…or just as some sort of witness to my wit. EH-BA-BOO!" He made another hand gesture against Remus'. "Bollocks. Both rocks again. Let's go!" he said suddenly, and grabbed James by the arm and marched to where Derrick and Lily were sitting.

"And then he called me shallow," Derrick went on, admiring his reflection in the back of a spoon. He inspected his spikes and looked pretty satisfied. "But I thought he said 'shallot'." He burst into unrequited laughter.

Lily jumped, a little unprepared for the laughter, and paused from making a sad downwards mouth in the gravy of her plate with the tip of her fork. "I don't get it," she said, not understanding his joke.

"Shalllot is a type of onion," he explained.

"Oh…right."

"You're not playing with your food, are you?"

"Technically no, because the food is gone," she retorted.

Derrick peeked at her plate. "What are you drawing there?"

Lily jumped again and flung her plate down the end of the Gryffindor table like a Frisbee. "Nothing!" she lied, fluttering her eyelashes.

"HELLO THERE! MIGHT FINE DAY WE'RE HAVING!"

Lily instinctively knew that voice anywhere and wished that Frisbee plate would return and hit Sirius upside the head.

She caught her breath when she spotted James standing uncomfortably beside Sirius.

"James," Lily greeted him awkwardly.

Derrick stopped the eye contact between them with a rather firm grip around Lily's opposite shoulder.

"EH-BA-BOO!" Sirius shouted down the other side of the Great hall. "I GOT PARCHMENT!"

"So did I!" Remus wailed back.

James was still in disbelief to how they could get the same hand gestures at least five hundred times in a row.

"Wow, a Ravenclaw sitting at our table. Never seen anything like it, have we, Prongs?" Sirius said, as lightly as possible, which was really a threatening grumble. "Aren't you the adventurous one?"

"What exactly do you want?" Derrick asked to the point.

James was starting to wonder where exactly this was going. Sirius grinned, exchanging a secretive Marauder Glance with James, as a message to show that he would now indeed do the prank.

"Ifyergaysaywot," Sirius said.

Derrick, along with Lily, both looked extremely baffled. However, James looked on the depths of despair and was already raising a hand to hit Sirius like the bad puppy he was.

"I beg your pardon?"

Sirius panicked - the plan wasn't going as he had intended. Derrick wasn't supposed to answer 'I beg your pardon' like a polite snob.

"Ifyergaysaywot?" Sirius tried again.

"Excuse me?" Derrick snorted. "Can you please talk slower like normal people?"

If Sirius talked any slower, than there would be no point to this joke.

"Padfoot, you said you had a good prank! Not a bloody infant's school gag!" James hissed.

Lily looked suspiciously between the two, her arms crossed with dislike.

"Ifyergaysaywot," Sirius tried for a final time.

"What?"

Sirius thumped the air and began a bouncing jig. "HAR HAR, you POOF! You're GAY!"

James was trying to disintegrate into the floor.

"No, I'm not," Derrick argued.

"YEAH, you are! I said, 'If you're gay say what,' and you said 'what!' Ha, SAUSAGE JOCKEY!" Sirius cackled.

"No," Lily poked a fork into Sirius' stomach. "You said something completely jumbled and incomprehensible to understand."

Sirius snorted, "Maybe to you. But in my mind, I knew what I was saying."

Lily reddened in frustration, which made James slightly giddy for liking her bad tempered quality. "But that doesn't make any sense!" she cried. "You said 'what' too, so that must mean you're gay. Not to mention you're wearing a girly headband."

Sirius did not think this through.

He scowled. "I'm wearing this VOLUNTARILY—crap, I mean IN! INVOLUNTARILY, DAMN IT! Stupid vocabulary…"

He formed another Marauder Glance at James, indicating another prank coming ahead.

"No, Padfoot! That's enough. You're embarrassing yourself," he said in between gritted teeth, trying to drag him by the headband.

"Get off, Prongsie." Sirius stomped in his foot. His eyes lit up as he was free from James' wrestling and quickly grabbed onto Derrick's…hand?

"Again, Sirius, suspicions of homosexuality are becoming clearer," Lily stated.

Sirius stuck out his tongue at her, and then focused his attention back to Derrick's hand as he shook it with odd politeness.

"Since when did you adopt manners?" Derrick asked, trying to dispatch his hand away from his. James was already shaking his head, knowing what was coming.

"What do you wipe your arse with?" Sirius asked him. He determinedly kept a firm grip as he shook his hand, not letting it go under any circumstances.

Lily coughed up the juice she was currently sipping. "What!" she spat. "People are eating, Sirius!"

"What do you wipe your arse with after going to the loo, Derick?" Sirius said his name with much dislike. "C'mon, it's not that hard of a question for you, a Ravenclaw, sitting at our table."

Derrick looked thoroughly disgusted at the question. "I don't think I want to answer that."

Sirius snickered, "What, don't you wipe your arse with anything?" he countered, still not letting go of his hand.

Derrick bit on his tongue and finally answered an unpleasant, "Toilet roll…"

"Oh really?" Sirius said, trying to act interested. "I wipe mine with my hands," he said with a smirk.

Derrick's eyes bulged. "Oh my God!" he wailed, finally managing to detract his hand.

James couldn't help but join in Sirius' chuckling.

"That is disgustingly juvenile," Derrick said, scowling.

Sirius wanted more.

Picking up a plate of Shepherd's pie that a third year had been eating, he balanced it on the palm of his hand and aimed it towards Derrick's face.

"PIE IN THE FACE!" He yelled happily, like a clown at a circus.

Unfortunately, Derrick had good reflexes and ducked the incoming plate of dinner, which missed his hair by inches and splattered into Lily's face instead.

James gasped, "Padfoot, you tit!"

Sirius blanched. "Oh poop."

The boys watched as the creamy pie covered her entire face, and the plate fell off her head and onto the lap of her only pair of school trousers for that week.

"AAARGH!"

The pie was also hot.

James and Sirius ran from the scene and quickly took their seats back with Remus and Peter.

"You are such an airy-fairy," James declared, smacking Sirius with the back of a spoon. He got slight satisfaction from this with the sound it made against his friend's skull, and repeated it a few times until he got bored and his hand was aching.

Remus instinctively peered at the two. "What did you do, dumb and dumber?"

James shot back a smile. "Nice to see you're back to your usual quaint self."

Sirius looked rather puzzled. "Which one am I?" he asked curiously. "….wait a sec, oi!"

Peter wiped his somehow custard-covered fingers on to his shirt. "Do you want me to do it now, Padfoot?" he asked obediently.

Sirius shot him a dodgy look. "Keep it on the down-low, Pete," he gritted through his teeth. "I give you the signal when I touch my nose, remember? Stupid mork."

"But you've been touching your nose repeatedly. I don't know what the signal is and what's a casual nose scratch!"

"You shouldn't do that, you know," James said, "You'll get a spotty nose from your dirty fingers."

Sirius stopped scratching his nose and grabbed a knife from the table, examining his reflection. "I don't have a spotty nose, do I?"

"I really do think you should be more worried about that horrific headband."

"For the last time, Moony: it's bandaging!"

Remus crossed his arms suspiciously. "And do what, exactly? What 'signal'?"

Sirius hoped Remus hadn't heard his gritting, and glanced down the table where he saw Lily looking boiled and about to leave the hall, most probably with Sirius' head decapitated. Knowing he didn't have much time left before he was on Lily's hunting list, Sirius scratched his nose feverishly.

Peter looked expressionless, continuing to slowly chew through his third portion of chocolate gateau.

"For God's sake, Pete! That was the signal!"

James laughed, though he was thoroughly confused by the situation.

"What signal?" Remus asked, more impatient.

Peter abandoned his chocolate gateau with much reluctance, and then followed the plan as Sirius had told him.

"Ooo, look! Merlin!" Peter pointed.

Sirius shook his head with a sigh.

"Merlin?" Remus questioned. "I think you've been eating too much gateau again. Do you want me to go with you to Madam Pomfrey to get some more potion for stomach pain?"

Peter reddened at that memory. "No, no, just look! Behind you!" he spoke with desperation.

"But why?"

"Because there's something neat there."

"Neat?"

"Yes…neat."

"I think someone dropped their book of Ancient Runes," James lied, helping Peter out.

Remus gasped. "How careless!" He swivelled round in his seat without a hence thought.

James eyed Sirius curiously as he revealed some sort of packet of powder, labeled: 'SO HOT IT BURNS YOUR MOUTH…REALLY, IT DOES. DON'T QUESTION IT. NEVER QUESTION THE LABEL. OBEY THE LABEL.' He quickly sprinkled some of the powder over Remus' dessert of strawberries and melted chocolate, and then poured some potion from a flask into Remus' pumpkin juice.

"There's no book of Ancient Runes," Remus stated, turning back around, sounding very disappointed.

"Well, never mind," Peter said sympathetically. With a chocolate gateau covered smile, he shone his brown teeth.

James leaned his head on his hand in amusement. "Well, finish your strawberries then, Moony."

Remus patted his stomach. "Actually, I'm a little full."

Sirius' eye bulged. "No, you aren't!" he insisted.

"No, really I—"

Sirius pushed the bowl of strawberries closer towards him; so much it nearly slid off the table and landed on his lap. "No, you aren't."

Remus observed his friends until his eyes landed on Sirius' impish ones. "What did you do to my dessert, Sirius?"

"Nothin'."

"When ever you miss out the 'g' on nothing, you've obviously done something."

"Damn your over-analyzing of individuals' speech altering…" Sirius mumbled, then raised his voice to answer Remus, "There's nothing wrong with your lovely, scrumptious strawberries!"

"Hey, Sirius, why don't you have them?"

Sirius glared at James.

"That's quite a spiffing idea actually." Remus pushed the bowl of fruit towards Sirius. "If you have one, I'll have one," he compromised with a mischievous smile.

"But I'm a little full," Sirius mimicked Remus' words.

James tried to hide his snickering, "Why do you look so nervous, Padfoot? Go on, you little piggylet. Treat yourself."

Sirius would give James a major hiding later.

"Well, I suppose I might as well," Sirius smiled nervously, "You know me, I just eat and eat and I never know where the fat goes."

"To your boobs."

Sirius eyed Peter. "But I don't have boobs."

"Oh, wait…that's for women. Isn't there that weird saying? 'A pumpkin pastry to your lips is a lifetime on your hips?'"

Not standing the randomness of the conversation any longer, Sirius picked up the strawberry with his forefinger and thumb. Nothing good would come from eating those strawberries. They would taste like…blazing, if there was even a taste for that. Sirius imagined it would taste smoky, if there was a taste for that too.

Sirius popped the strawberry in his mouth and chewed.

He felt like someone had just cut off his tongue.

"BLAZING…" Sirius hissed, eyes watering. "BLAZING!"

James swiftly handed him a glass of water, not wanting to be seen sitting next to a cry baby.

Remus laughed at Sirius' pain. "I knew there was something in that dessert! I bet you put Polyjuice potion in there or something, didn't you!" He shook his head at Sirius. "You forget that I am rather clever."

And on that note, he took a generous gulp of his pumpkin juice.

The boys took intakes of breath and Sirius smirked.

"Feeling your skin bubbling, Muh-hoony?"

Remus gave him a puzzled look as he put down the goblet. "What are you…no!" He touched his cheeks and felt his body already resizing. "You tricked me! I thought we were playing the best of three of Rock, Parchment, Scissors!"

"I lied," Sirius grinned.

James looked at Remus sympathetically, "Bathroom, Moony?"

Remus nodded, and then ran out of the hall, with much confused looks directed his way.

Rhiana would return soon.

"I'll give you more than a pie in the face, Sirius-bloody-Black!" Lily railed.

And some people had never left.

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