Chapter 22- Who's Seducing Snape?!?!?!?!?!

"I'm sorry," he apologized, standing to his feet. "I really need to go to the bathroom."

He was about to make a hand gesture of pointing down to his crotch but Lily stopped him with a pleading look of understanding.

"I won't be long," he murmured, licking his upper and lower lip. She grimaced at the so-called look of seductiveness. "Then maybe we can take a little trip to the broom closet, eh?"

Lily inwardly groaned. "Maybe," she replied weakly with a bogus smile.

The second Derrick exited the library doors, leaving Lily alone in a secluded corner of book shelves; she breathed a sigh of relief being out of the boy's company and muttered the bitter words of, "Maybe not," to complete Derrick's invitation.

"What have I done?" Lily murmured to herself, running a hand through her hair.

She had made the right decision, hasn't she?

Yes.

That's why she wanted to claw out her hair and use it to gag herself whenever Derrick got in a five mile radius of her.

Yes... No—no, she was fine! Absolutely fine!

"Or not," she mumbled, dropping a book on Unforgivable Curses from her hands that had subconsciously picked the reading material up.

So maybe she wasn't as fine as she thought.

"You dropped your book there," a voice softly said next to her.

Lily jumped out of her skin and cursed to herself that Derrick was short on bathroom breaks.

"Oh," she said in surprise, focusing on Remus and Peter before her. "It's just you two," she acknowledged and made a silent, "Thank goodness," to herself.

Lily flinched at the sound of chewing and frowned at Peter who appeared to be eating...marshmallows?

"Pettigrew, why are you eating marshmallows?"

Peter stopped in mid-chew, which was unfortunately bad news to Lily as his mouth was wide open and she could see the mushy pink and whiteness of the deceased fluffiness.

"Peter, don't eat them all, or Sirius will have your head," Remus hissed, turning red as Lily chuckled.

Peter nodded obediently. "Uhuh," he mumbled, about to spit out the pulp of chewed marshmallow on to the library floor.

"No! Don't spit that one out!" Remus cried.

"Uhuh," Peter mumbled again, unsure what to do with the soft mush sitting on his spread out tongue.

"Just eat it, Wormtail. Eat it," Remus said, massaging the bridge of his nose as he sighed tiredly.

As Peter chewing happily on his marshmallow, he picked up the book that Lily had dropped earlier and eyed her warily as he read the cover.

"Merely knocked it over by accident," Lily said, grabbing the book from his hand and stuffing it back on the bookshelf.

Remus crossed his arms sceptically. "You looked a little relieved to see us. Who were you expecting, your boyfriend?"

Lily felt her mouth go dry and she took a seat uncomfortably on one of the library chairs. "James told you, then."

"Sirius got it out of him," Remus explained, "After he'd locked us out of the dormitory for two hours after completely destroying it, half naked, and gotten through at least five tubs of vanilla ice cream."

Lily resisted asking the question, 'What is with that boy and nudity?' aloud. "Vanilla ice cream?" she repeated in a little amusement.

"The house elves were out of chocolate."

Lily wrung her fingers through her robes and upturned her head. "Is he okay after yesterday?" she asked with caution.

Remus tried to resist a glare. "So you do care, then?" he said rather dryly.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Of course I care!" she cried in outburst.

The sound of more chewing interrupted the heated conversation and both their heads snapped to look at the rather embarrassed yet famished boy.

"Peter, if you're going to carry on eating those marshmallows, will you please do it more quietly," Remus suggested in exhausted desperation, "I heard there's some colouring books on the other side of the library."

Peter's eyes widened in glee and he practically Disapparated from the spot, running from the secluded area clutching his packet of marshmallows highly in the air.

Remus joined the seat across Lily and looked at her with intent. "Why are you doing this?" he asked to the point.

Lily cursed the fact that she'd been closed off into corner of the library deliberately. If she didn't know herself, she would have thought one of the Marauders put some sort of toilet charm on Derrick so he needed to urinate and leave Lily alone so they could interrogate her.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she played clueless.

Remus shook his head with disappointment. "Don't insult my intelligence, Lily."

She rose to her feet. "I'm not!" she protested, turning away from him to face a shelf of books, avoiding his eye contact. She was starting to feel dizzy with the amount of literature in front of her eyes. "It's the only way…"

"Only way for what?" Remus questioned her.

"He can't get to me because somebody is already there."

Remus tried to interpret what she was saying. "James can't get to you because Derrick's there?"

Lily nodded glumly. "Yes. He can't get to me because somebody got there first-"

"James was first," Remus interjected.

Lily flushed. "Well…who cares about chronological order!"

Remus couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation. "You have no justified explanation for going out with Derrick," he stated, throwing his hands in the air. "Face it."

"Me and James are jinxed together, Remus!" Lily said, reminding him the unconscious knockouts and attacks by senile, elderly witches. "The second we come in any close contact, something bad happens."

"Don't be so cynical," Remus scolded her. "More bad things happen when you're apart."

Lily flustered, not wanting to believe the truth. "Well…I…er…bugger you!" she said lamely, trying to make her way pass Remus but he determinedly stood in her way.

"You're making the biggest mistake of your life."

Lily stuck out her lower lip. "What are you, a seer now?" she mumbled.

"I'm being methodical."

Lily couldn't take it anymore. "You have to get over this," she pleaded, "You and Sirius," she emphasised. "James and I cannot be together! I don't want him back in the Hospital wing because of me."

Remus gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean, 'because of me'?"

"Snape hurt him," Lily hissed, lowering her voice so she wouldn't be chucked out by the huffy librarian. "They got in that stupid fight and James nearlydied! All because of me-"

"No he didn't," Remus butted in, "That fight had nothing to do with you. James barely even took part."

Lily shook her head and looked at Remus with sorrowful eyes. "I don't believe you," she breathed.

Remus resisted the urge to slam a nearby book at her face. "I swear on my life," he said steadily.

"You're one of James' best friends, Remus. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"You should trust me because of that."

"What's going on here?"

Lily jumped away from Remus and nearly toppled over a bookshelf as she tumbled in to it. "Derrick!" she said, flustered.

The boy walked silently over to Lily's side and rested an arm defensively over her shoulders. "Remus," Derrick greeted with an inclined nod.

"Derrick," Remus replied curtly.

The boys had always been on mutual terms, neither liking or disliking each other, but simply knowing who each other were and both having the same characteristics of being respectively studious. The difference between them was that Remus Lupin had a personality, whilst Derick was just bland and missed something called a soul. Derrick kept a watchful eye back and forth between Lily and Remus, as if making an aggressive mental note in his head.

"I do appreciate it if you keep away from Lily from now on," Derrick said in a rather polite tone. "You and the Marauders," he added. "You can understand, can't you, Remus? Over-protectiveness."

Remus could already feel himself leaning to the 'dislike' part of Derrick. "Right," he grunted.

Derrick tightened his arm around Lily, leaning his mouth into her hair. "Say goodbye to your friend now," his breath blew over her.

Lily pushed Derrick's arm of her shoulder, giving him a defiant look, and looked at Remus apologetically, but he'd already marched off towards the library exit.

"Come on, Peter!" Remus called, wincing at his projected voice as the librarian glared at him, making a 'sssssshhh' sound that lasted at least two minutes and landed him with a spit-covered face.

Peter appeared round the corner of a bookshelf, mouth open with marshmallow gnawing. "But I haven't found the colouring book ye-"

"Now, Peter."

"Okie-dokie."

Lily watched as the two boys chatted on their departure, trying hard not to look Derrick in the eye who looked extremely peeved at her actions.

"Hey, Remus? Want to hear a good joke?"

"Does it involve you asking 'Do you like seafood?', and me answering 'yes', then you sticking out your tongue with masticated marshmallows afloat?"

Peter answered hesitantly. "Er...no?"

"Then go ahead."

"Do you like sea food?"

Remus stopped in his tracks and stuck out his jaw. "No. I do not."

"BLAAAAH!" Peter stuck out his tongue, bits of pink and white fluffiness hanging off it. "Get it? Eh? Sea food! See food! Har har!"

The second the library door slammed shut, Lily slowly turned her head to face Derrick who did not look at all amused.

"Don't show me up like that again," he hissed. "Dear," he added sweetly.

Lily fumed, about to go into hysterics with screaming of, 'DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE TOSSER!'

But she couldn't. As long as Derrick was with her, James couldn't get to her. Derrick was in the way of anything happening between them, and no matter how much Lily wouldn't like to admit it, she needed him. Not out of romantic feels such as affection or love, but merely for protection against the one she deniably had affections for in the first place.

"Yes...dear," Lily feigned a smile, thought it was tinged with sneering.

"When I'm talking with someone you should stick to my side like glue," Derrick added.

"Yes, dear," she repeated again, forcing her hands not to wring around his neck.

Maybe, just maybe, if she closed her eyes and imagined Derrick was James, everything would be fine again.

Of course, she'd done it before but unintentionally. An image of James had somehow cropped into her head once before without her consent, as Derrick had kissed her outside the broom closet, the very one the Marauders had been hiding in. She didn't know how James' image had been planted there, and why his name had been moaned so pleasurably from her lips. But it had, and she had hated every ounce of herself for letting it.

Maybe, just maybe, imagining Derrick was James would help her though this terrible predicament.

So when Derrick leaned to kiss her softly on the lips, she tried to hold back the tears of disgust and the grimace on her face, and kissed him back.

"Sirius, give it back. Now."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Sirius!"

"Please, Moony?"

"No!"

This so-called conversation in the so-called haven of the Gryffindor common looked extremely odd to outsiders. It was even more confusing for insiders such as Peter Pettigrew who'd abandoned their company to shadow James whilst they searched the shelves of the Forbidden section of the library for pranks to humiliate Derrick.

"Give it back!" Remus whined, losing all dignity as he pleaded in near hysteria.

Sirius swung the book, Hogwarts: A History, back and forth between his forefinger and thumb above the fireplace. "You know what you have to do to make me give it back," he smiled evilly.

"I'm not doing it, Sirius," Remus repeated again. "Now," he tried to breathe calmly but only mimicked a bull breathing smoke out of his nostrils, "Give back the book. It's not even mine! I just got it out of the library after Holly returned it. You know, the girl you scared away after making up an outlandish night we apparently had together."

Sirius chuckled at the thought of the mentioned prank. "All you have to do is accept and I'll give you the book back," he said simply.

Remus was very much losing his patience. "No!" he said determinedly, flaring his nostrils. "Sirius, if you drop that book in that fire or even get an ounce of it in bad condition I will bite you. If the librarian finds one speck of harm on that book-"

Sirius stopped him before he went on. "Don't recite the Library Laws now, please," he moaned. "I'm begging you."

Remus quirked an eyebrow. "I've told you the Declaration of the Protection of Hogwarts Library Books?"

"Uh, let me see," Sirius faked contemplation, "Law number one: never eat around books. Law number two: never lick your finger to turn the page, it is unhygienic and the pages will get greasy. Law number three: do not fold the pages over to remember which page you were last on; bookmarks were invented for a reason. Law number four: handle the pages delicately, a crumpled book is an unhappy book. Law number five: do the loco-motion—"

"What?" Remus choked.

"I added the last one to see if you were listening or not," Sirius grinned.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I take it I have recited the rules to you, then. You skipped one though: 'never talk over a book - the pages do not want your saliva on it'."

"I do apologize," Sirius said dryly. "So...will you do it?"

Remus laughed ridiculously. "No," he echoed again, but his laughter evolved into a scream as Sirius dropped the book and caught it again, merely inches way from falling into the fire.

"You're being very selfish, Moony."

"Selfish? Selfish! Do you realise what you're asking me to do?" Remus shrieked.

"I don't see what the big deal is."

"YOU'RE ASKING ME TO SEDUCE SNAPE FOR A BLOODY PRANK!"

Sirius winced at the shouting. "Well, from what you told me about that interesting Potions lesson, it won't be that hard to do. He was rather smitten with you."

Remus' eyes bulged. "Rhiana," he gritted through his teeth, "Rather smitten with Rhiana."

Sirius chewed openly on his Droobles gum and blew a giant bubble that popped in Remus' face. "Whatever, Moony," he sighed. "So…will you do it?" he asked for the hundredth time.

"No! No, no, no!" Remus whined. "Why can't you do it? All you have to do is take the Polyjuice potion with James' hair in it and dress up like Rhiana."

Sirius looked at him with disappointment. "Because it wouldn't be the same, Moony. He was obviously charmed by your personality, so if I were to pretend to be Rhiana, he would obviously see through the facade and know it was me."

Remus couldn't see the 'obvious', visible lines in Sirius' explanation. "I won't do it," he said again.

As Sirius was preoccupied with looking like a child who'd been denied his favourite dessert, Remus took the chance to snatch the book out of his hands and clutch it protectively against his chest.

"Ha! I have the book! You have nothing to hostile me! I have prevailed!" Remus bellowed, wrapping the book under his crossed arms.

Sirius smirked.

Remus whitened.

Sirius smirked again.

"Don't make me tie you up, Muh-hoony," he warned in an oddly cheerful tone.

Remus paled more than physically possible. "You wouldn't dare."

"I did it with Prongs."

Remus formed a similar Peter Pettigrew Squeak and took a step backwards, unfortunately bumping into a common chair which led him to taking a seat, clutching the chair arms with terrified fingers.

"I will nipple cripple you," Remus threatened, but the terrorising didn't have the same effect when he was speaking as if he were on a helium.

"I'm wearing layers," Sirius grinned. "Many layers of clothing, Moony. Your nipple crippling hands will not be able to cut through the thick jumpers I'm wearing which James' mother knitted me."

"No!" Remus gasped. "Not the Christmas jumpers!"

"Six years worth. Including birthdays."

"I have been trounced!" Remus wailed, causing many onlookers of the common room to look at the two. "Mrs. Potter's knitted jumpers have vanquished me!" He scrambled to his feet and was now climbing over the furniture to escape Sirius - Remus Lupin never climbed over furniture. He always said, "Don't put your feet on the furniture, Sirius. It's rude and nobody wants to sit on your muddy footprint-what are you doing with that foot! You're deliberately sitting with your feet on the arm chair to annoy me, aren't you?"

"No—NOOOOO! Aaaaargh!"

Ten minutes later, Remus had been tied to a chair, blindfolded in the sixth year dormitory. He had slightly calmed down.

"LET ME GO, QUIXOTIC ABDUCTOR!"

Mildly.

"Was the blindfolding really necessary?" Remus asked. His eyesight was blocked with a blindfold consisting of one of Peter's old belts that had gotten too small for him.

Sirius shrugged, stirring the Polyjuce potion in the cauldron on the usual filthy floor. "Not really," he admitted. "I've always wanted to blindfold someone, yet I'd always imagined it with a girl with somewhat sensual implications."

Remus let that perverted comment pass. "Haven't you ever blindfolded someone whilst playing 'Pin the tail on the ass' at a party?"

Sirius gaped. "Pinning a tail on someone' arse?" he repeated, rather disgusted. "What kind of parties do you go to exactly?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Donkey ass. Not buttocks ass."

"Oh. Right."

Sirius towered over Remus, holding the Polyjucie potion in his hands. "I'm going to put the potion in your mouth now so open wide look a good boy," he teased.

The second Sirius pushed the goblet towards Remus' mouth; the glass toppled against Remus' chin and hit his determinedly closed lips.

"Muh-hoony! Don't be so bloody awkward!"

Remus did not respond and kept his lips clamped together.

Sirius tried again and bashed the goblet against his mouth but only led to spilling Polyjuice potion on Remus' front. "Great, well done, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically. "Now it looks like you've got cum on your shirt. Congratulate yourself."

Remus slightly reddened but still did not respond.

"Oh, be like that, then," Sirius said, then faked walking as he stomped his feet. "I'll just eat you're entire collection of chocolates in your pillowcase-"

"Don't you dare!" Remus cried.

Sirius quickly shoved the goblet of potion towards his mouth, but unfortunately Remus had tried a different approach of securing his teeth together to block the potion going in.

Both boys screamed in pain, as the goblet had banged into Remus' teeth, and Remus had somehow chomped on one of Sirius' outstretched fingers.

Sirius sucked on his bleeding finger. "Bloody sharp werewolf molars."

"I am so biting you at full moon," Remus grumbled.

"Go ahead. I quite fancy being a werewolf; the moonlight makes my hair look all shiny."

"Curse your fortitude."

Sirius sighed, topped up the goblet of Polyjuice potion and stood before Remus again. "Okay, we're going to try one more time and-" He glanced down and found his trouser zip embarrassingly open. "God, I'm glad you're blindfolded," he laughed, trying to close it though it looked strongly caught.

"What?" Remus said confusedly, wondering what on earth what was going.

Another couple of people were wondering what on earth was going on too.

"What the hell!" James screamed, completely horrified as he stood by the open doorway along with a white Peter. "What's...why are you...is heblindfolded? What the hell is going on?"

"Gavommiting..." Peter muttered, predictably.

Sirius froze as he failed zipping his trousers. "Prongs! Wormtail!" He said with a cheerful smile which slowly turned into a greatly downwards frown. "This looks bad, doesn't it?" he said knowingly to himself. He tried again to tug at his zipper but it had somehow got caught on something else, a particular organ, and he wailed in pain, falling to the floor.

"James? Is that you?" Remus tried to tug his hands free and whirled his head around in all directions as he couldn't see. "Save me from this eccentric lunatic! He's trying to make me swallow-"

"UUURGH! UUURGH!" James bellowed, covering his ears. "UUURGH! UUURGH!" he kept repeating, very much repulsed.

"Are the rumours true?" Peter quietly asked, hiding behind James who was still shrieking. "I heard rumours."

Sirius tried to scrape himself from the floor but only rolled around like a dying seal. "What are you...even talking about?" he wheezed, howling in pain.

"What is going on? Stop screaming, James!" Remus ordered, annoyed at his high-pitched-ness. "Somebody get me out of this chair, for Christ's sake! I hate being oblivious to what's going on!" He continued to scramble, trying to kick out his bounded legs. Unfortunately, this only led to tipping the chair over and Remus fell sideways with an 'AAAAAAH!'

"What's that on your shirt?" James wailed, pointing to Remus' front. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD! UUURGH! UUURGH!"

"Is this what you do when you're alone?" Peter asked with widened eyes. "Do you like to do kinky sex games where you blindfold yourself and tie each other to chairs? Do you take it in turns? Do you make it up yourself? Do you enjoy it?"

"WHAT!" Sirius and Remus screamed.

"My friends are poofters!" James kept a hand on either side of his face and gawked. "My friends are shirtlifters! My friends are bum boys! My friends are sausage jockeys! My friends are-"

"Going to...kick...your...arse," Sirius hissed, making a sound of 'GAH...' as he continued to roll about, holding both hands to his crotch

"What are babbling on about?" Remus said from the floor. "Sirius tied me up so he could force-drink me Polyjuice potion to become you, to become Rhiana!"

There was much embarrassing silence.

James fiddled nervously with his shirt collar and gave them an apologetic look. "Well, you could've said that in the first place..." he trailed off, as if he'd given them plenty of opportunities to explain themselves in between the high pitched wails of 'UUUURGH!'

If Sirius wasn't currently experiencing the worst pain imaginable, he would have smacked James upside the head.

"You really don't like doing kinky sex games?" Peter asked, with an odd hint of his voice showing that he was actually quite disappointed.

Remus made a mental note of this.

"Seriously, guys?" Sirius was crouched on the floor, looking on the verge of tears. "Get a ham-balance. Or Madam Poms Poms. I think I'm bleeding...from the inside."

"Don't you mean an ambulance?" Remus corrected him.

"Same to you mate," Sirius said, thinking Remus was insulting him somehow.

Sirius made an excruciating moan and blacked out, collapsing with his head in a pile of glass that hadn't been cleaned up from James' hysteria of flinging objects at walls.

"Did that look like it hurt?" Remus asked, his eyes still covered with the blindfold of Peter's trouser belt.

James stepped over to Sirius and prodded his shoe in his left cheek. "Exceedingly," he answered.

Remus smirked. "Good."

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Lol! Here's a sneak peak of the next chapter! Enjoy!-

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"Ooooo!" The crowd jeered again.

"Ah, shit!" Sirius swore, lifting his fist closely to his face. "Stupid rock! WHY DO YOU FAIL ME SO?"

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, petting his hand gesture of the same parchment sign.

It was one all. The next move was crucial.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

The crowd made cries of disappointment.

"Two scissors?" Peter questioned, examining both hands. "Maddness… That's never happened. Try again."

There was more deadly silence as the boys shook their fists again.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

"…"

"Both rocks? Damn it, stop picking the same signs! It's boring," James complained.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both parchment.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both rocks.

"EH-BA-BOO!"

Both scissors.

Hehe....

<3 Y