A Guaranteed Laugh!!!! Enjoy!!!

Chapter 18- Worthless Squid and Sleeping Farts? An All Time Low....

"PRONGS!" Sirius bellowed the second James' body hit the water with an almighty splash. The terrible scene all seemed to happen in some sort of demented slow motion as the spell had hit him in the chest, making him falter back into the lake water.

"Oh Crap! God! Crap!" Sirius shrieked, each word screamed with the same amount of fear and volume, "God! Crap! God! Crappy! God! Crap! Goddy!"

"Stop with the rambling blasphemy!" Remus howled.

"Sorry!" Sirius quickly apologized. "Don't worry, Prongs, I'll save you!" he cried gallantly. Without a hence thought –which he would really regret later for not doing—he jumped into the lake after James' slowly falling body.

"How many times do we have to go through this, Padfoot?" Remus screamed from the water's edge. "You cannot swim! How many bloody times do you have to jump in to the lake for you to realise that?"

"WAAAH!"

As you can tell, things were pretty disastrous.

Remus Lupin was panicking.

Panic. Panic. Panic.

"Sirius, kick with your feet!" Remus shouted, watching the poor attempts of Sirius Black failing the doggy paddle. "Doggy paddle, Padfoot! DOGGY PADDLE!"

It was rather ironic that Sirius could swim in his animagus form, yet is not able to as a human...or whatever he was classified as.

"WAAAH!"

Luckily the Giant squid noticed the drowning boy polluting his lake water, deafening the creature's ear drums. Scooping impressively with a tentacle, he picked up Sirius and lugged him back to shore in a pretty aggressive temper, showing its annoyance on having to save too many lives lately.

"Doggy paddle," Sirius mumbled, still kicking out his legs and arms as his eyes were closed, obviously unaware that he was now out of water.

One Marauder down, one to go.

Did I mention Remus Lupin was panicking?

Panic. Panic. Panic.

Did I mention James' body had disappeared under water?

Panic. Panic. Sodding panicking.

"HEY GIANT SQUID!" Remus yelled, waving his arms outrageously. The squid's tentacles seemed to flap about a bit, so he took this as a greeting and a sign of communication. "FIND BOY UNDERWATER!" He simplified so the instructions were clear enough for a magical creature to understand.

The squid did not react.

Remus wailed in hysteria. "Why aren't you doing anything? You're the saving Giant squid! You're in the lake for a purpose! BE PRODUCTIVE!"

Remus received a rather large wave of lake water at that particular comment.

He looked to Sirius for some support and help, but he was still lying on the ground, looking soggy and clogged up with water; still wet, and still mumbling, "Doggy paddle..." as he kicked out his legs.

"You're colossal!" Remus continued. "You're the prodigious squid! Help my friend, you incompetent, overgrown sea beast!"

Remus received yet another large wave of lake water at that particular comment.

"Stop talking to the squid, Moony," Sirius coughed up spurts of water, struggling to his feet. He managed to stable on his legs and held on to Remus' shoulder with an odd look of despair, which you knew he must have practised in front of a mirror at some point or another. "Help James!" Sirius pleaded. "Hurry, Moony!"

Remus blanched. "Me?"

Remus-MUH-HOONY-Lupin was not the First-To-Jump-To-Heroics type. He stuck in the background, like rather weary and tattered antique wallpaper, which was still rather quirky to have and that you were rather fond of.

Remus Lupin was James' minion.

Remus Lupin was Peter's homework-helper.

Remus Lupin was Sirius' bitch.

...As Sirius so claimed, yet Remus never agreed to.

Remus did not do spontaneous bursts of courageous rescues - Remus knew it, Sirius knew it - heck, even the Giant squid knew it.

"Oh, I see what's going on," snarled Remus, directing his anger still at the squid. "This is some kind of conspiracy, isn't it?" He pointed his finger at a moving tentacle. "I know what's going on. You're trying to make some sort of point, aren't you? Deliberately not saving James! You're trying to make some hidden streak erupt from inside of me so I will have to save him! Aren't you! Aren't you! Corruptive," he roared. "Corruptive!"

"Moony," Sirius coughed again, "For the love of Merlin, stop talking to the squid."

"Well, I will tell you now, sea creature," Remus spoke curtly with his hands on his waist. "I will not agree to this ridiculous, absurd, simply incomprehensible plan to get me in the water! I refuse! I refuse! I refuse with VIGOUR!"

That's why Remus had just took of his socks and shoes, rolled up his sleeves, and dived into the lake water with extra incentive.

Sirius watched at the lake's edge, panting. Finally remembering the cause to why this had all happened in the first place, he whirled around angrily with his wand arm poised in the air. But, of course, Severus Snape had disappeared, James Potter's clothes dropped to the ground.

"No," Sirius swore loudly. He whipped round, searching for Snape; wishing his face to appear so he could punch it off with his bare hands. "No, damn it! Aaargh, bloody bastardy Snape!" He yelled in frustration. As he was about to follow the trail back inside the castle and catch up to Snape who was probably escaping to his common room, an almighty gasp of breath broke through the lake's surface.

Remus' head appeared as he desperately tried to hold the worsening James from falling deep underwater. Sirius watched as Remus slowly got closer to shore as he dragged James limply along with him.

There was too much blood.

It was like whacking at the bottom of a bottle of ketchup and ending up with a heave of tomato sauce all over your meal.

James was like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on them.

"I don't understand the ketchup theory, Sirius," Remus wheezed, dragging James to the grass as he tried to shake him out of his unconscious state.

"He's like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on it!" Sirius wailed, "Oh God! Crap! God! Crap! God!-"

"Stop talking, Padfoot," Remus interjected. He took focus back on James and shook his shoulders. "James? James?" He tried to wake him, pressing his hands over his chest to try and stop the bleeding cut.

Suddenly James awoke in outcry and thrust to one side.

"Oh God! James is coughing up water! And he's coughing up blood! He's coughing up bloody water! And vomiting! Oh God! Oh, hell!"

"There is no need of the graphic commentary, Sirius!" Remus struggled to hold his hands over James' chest as the boy continually coughed up many things that weren't recognized. He made a struggled moan as he blacked out once more.

"Did he just cough up an organ?" Sirius pointed, purely hysterical, "I swear I see a lung!"

"Sirius, please, just help—"

"I'LL KILL HIM!" Sirius bawled, with eyes ablaze with rather comical wrath. "I'LL KILL SNIVELLUS AND I'LL MAKE THE HOUSE ELVES COOK HIM IN THE KITCHENS AND I'LL MAKE SLUGHORN EAT HIM AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE!"

"PADFOOT!" Remus snapped, but lessened the growling as Sirius was on the near edge of tears and was simply scandalised that Remus had just snapped at him, his buddy, 'Sirius Black's bitch'. "Please," Remus pleaded, "Just help me."

Of course, Sirius calmed his outraged state, but only by first kicking at the beech tree and imagining it as Snape's face, and then hurried at Remus' side to help James into an upright position.

The two friends struggled as they heaved James up by the arms, whilst Sirius tried to keep a hand over James' chest to stop the bleeding, as wisely advised by Remus.

"He's not dying is he, Moony?" Sirius murmured. "Please say he isn't! I don't DO dying!"

Remus quietly told him to 'secure his crevice' and move quickly to the Hospital wing -which Sirius of course took the wrong way and misinterpreted what 'crevice' Remus was talking about, which was obviously the mouth.

Once the boys finally made it inside school and through the corridors to the Hospital wing doors –after many gawks and gaping— Sirius cursed loudly.

Remus looked confused at the outburst. "What?"

"We bloody forgot Wormtail again!"

Meanwhile, Peter lay next to lake, forgotten.

"Where is my page?" Peter groaned from the floor, poking a nasty boil. "Go villain, fetch a surgeon!"

Cricket insect silence made Peter finally aware that he had been abandoned alone.

"They have made worms' meat of me! I have it, and soundly too! Your houses! YOUR—"

Peter gurgled as a large wave of lake water splashed over him.

The Giant squid was not amused.

"Oh sodding flobberworms," Lily mumbled in the candlelight, in between munching on Every Flavour Jelly Beans, popcorn flavoured.

Lily was sitting by James' Hospital wing bed in the late hours of the same day, after she had managed to persuade Madam Pomfrey that visiting the currently permanent slumbering James was more useful than sleeping. Luckily, she had not met up with any of the Marauders that day, turning up to the visit James when they had just left and not seeing each other to converse - which was a particularly good thing for Lily.

Besides, 'the short plump one' known as boil-faced Peter Pettigrew was lying on the next bed to James' anyway. That was enough Marauders as she could manage at a time.

"You're an arse," Lily murmured, directing the statement at the sleeping James as her fingers fidgeted with his bed sheet, "A stupid arse."

She didn't really know much of the details of the 'fight'. All she'd heard from gossiping students was that 'James and Snape had gotten into a fight and James got a major hiding! I heard from that Sirius bloke there was tomato ketchup everywhere. Didn't make much sense. You know him, too much Firewhiskey.'

"Sodding flobberworms," Lily cursed again, tapping her fingers impatiently at the bed sheet. She wouldn't wake him up because he obviously needed the rest, as Madam Pomfrey had insisted.

That was why her hand was drifting over to James' as she was about to prod him awake.

Lily flinched. "What's happening to me?" she asked aloud, stopping herself the second her hand nearly touched his.

She really didn't know what she had felt when she heard the news. Shock?

Yes, because James was rarely the one to be on the receiving end of a fight against Snape.

Pain?

Yes, because she was feeling a little bloated ever since that heavy dinner.

Guilt?

Oh yes, she was feeling that.

She was jumping to conclusions; the one bad trait that people wished weren't inside them.

"You attacked Snape because you saw me with him earlier, didn't you?"

She really didn't know why she was talking to a sleeping James, but that's just what people did, didn't they? They liked having conversations with ill people that couldn't answer back, because then actual communicating would happen. And they wouldn't want that, would they?

"You attacked Snape because of me," Lily carried on, "And you got hurt...because of me." She bowed her head and sighed. "When will you just...move on from me?"

James made an unflattering snore in his sleep and twitched his nose.

"You have to get over this...er..." Lily paused, looking for the right word to describe James' obsession with her, "Crush...with me."

James made another unflattering snore and Lily was starting to think he should see professional help about it.

"Because," Lily tried to find her voice, "I don't want to see you back in here again because of me."

Determindley, she looked at James as if he were awake and looking her deeply in the eye. "If we were together...you'd only get yourself into trouble and get hurt because you care too much about me. Like what happened with Snape," she suggested, unaware that she was completely misunderstanding what had happened, "That's why you should just move on from me. Go find another girl. Someone else, anyone else," she emphasized. "Well, not anyone, as in a man. Because you're straight, aren't you? Oh God, please say you're not gay! Did I kiss a gay guy as well as a cat? Sodding flobberworms!"

Lily took an intake of breath as James flinched in his sleep but gradually soothed back again. She cradled her head in her hands and tried to calm herself down. "Don't let Madam Pomfrey see another reason to send you off to St. Mungo's," she muttered to herself.

She grumbled and took another jellybean from the bombards of sweets that she assumed Sirius had stocked beside James' bed, so much that the smell of candy was slightly overpowering.

She winced, chewing on her onion flavoured jellybean. "I'm glad you were just 'growing on me'," she faked a smile, "Before I actually started falling in..." She stopped herself from carrying on. She somehow found her hand wandering again to close over James' again.

She was terrifying herself.

"Stop it stop it stop it," Lily hissed, ordering the hand. But just as Lily's hand nearly grazed with James', the boy did the most cringe worthy moment of the night.

He did a Sleep Fart.

This was an impressive speciality by Sirius Black, rivalled by Peter Pettigrew, who both somehow farted in the sixth year dormitory unconsciously in their sleep. Meanwhile, Remus scolded them both and told them to 'block up your crevices!', definitely not meaning the mouth in this particular sentence.

James' sleep fart was more of the smelliness than on the noise barometer.

"Eurgh!" Lily squeaked, jumping from her seat with a hand covering her face. "Boys are disgusting," she winced, making a definite choking sound.

"Ah, Miss Evans," Madam Pomfrey greeted her, exiting her office. "Visiting hours really is over now. You really do have to get back to your dormitory and get some sleep for classes tomorrow," she looked at Lily disapprovingly, "I don't want any arguments now—"

"Okay! I'll be going now!"

"And I don't want your stubborn attitude about how you want to stay next to Potter's side and—wait, what?"

Lily was already hurrying towards the exit, her hands still used as a gas mask. "I'll be going now, Madam Pom Poms—I mean, Pomfrey," she corrected herself.

The older witch took a whiff of the air. "Ooo," she winced, "What is that smell?"

"Maybe someone let off a dungbomb?" Lily suggested, "Got to go! Bye!"

Shrugging her shoulders, Madam Pomfrey ambled her way back into her office, whilst Lily hurried out of the Hospital wing and shut the doors quickly behind her.

A couple of minutes after the doors closed, a gap instantly opened as something invisible - or more specifically somebody invisible, or even more specifically; two invisible somebody's slipped inside.

"This is so like what the Muggle secret agents do, you know. Sneaking. Suuuuneeakin'."

"I highly doubt Muggle secret agents have invisibility cloaks."

"Must you always ruin my fun?"

"Keep your voice down, voice projector. Really, it's like you talk into a microphone half the time."

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Stop it!"

"I'm sorry; I did that last one on purpose. It's fun just yelling randomly though. Like...THIS! BOO! Har har! BOO! Ha, you fell for it again! You're so jumpy, it's hilarious. Like a ferret. You should see someone about it y'know, it could turn into some sort of life-threatening phobia...BOO!"

"It wasn't funny the first time you did that, nor was it comical the fifty seventh."

Suddenly, Madam Pomfrey bustled back into the wing and made Sirius and Remus freeze under the cloak.

"This isn't musical statues, Sirius," Remus whispered, trying not to chuckle as Sirius had raised his hands and feet with a frozen shocked expression, looking like a poor undertake of a dinosaur.

"Everybody's doing a brand-new dance, now. Come on, baby, do the loco-motion," Madam Pomfrey hummed as she hovered over the hospital beds, checking James and Peter and straightening out new bed sheets. "I'll know you'll get it to like it if you give it a chance now. Come on, baby, do the loco-motion!"

"Is she humming Grand Funk Railroad?" Sirius whispered. "Groovy!"

The healing witch stopped in her tracks and whirled around, looking for the occupant of the voice.

Sirius and Remus paled, trying not to rustle the cloak. "I am a voice projector!" Sirius hissed in realisation. Remus elbowed him for his loud hissing and made Sirius somehow stumble and falter, making Madam Pomfrey hear the audible shuffling.

Then the witch started walking towards the middle of the room.

"Move, Sirius!" Remus murmured, "Side step, side step!"

Sirius got confused on which direction the side stepping was and bumped into Remus, cursed, then tried side-stepping again but only walked forward, completely confused.

"Side step, fool! Ow, quick, shuffle! Shuffle!"

The two managed to jump out the way as Madam Pomfrey nearly tumbled into them as she'd stridden into the middle of the room, sceptical.

After the two boys managed to crawl hurriedly across the floor, avoiding the witch's legs –but unfortunately not avoiding the big buttocks that threateningly got near to their faces— Madam Pomfrey sighed, blaming her insanity of her late working hours.

"My little baby sister can do it with ease. It's easier than learnin' your A-B-C's. So come on, come on and do the loco-motion with me…" Madam Pomfrey sang, as she exited back into her office.

The second the witch disappeared, the boys lifted the cloak off them.

"Wow, I never knew she liked Grand Funk Railroad."

Remus looked at Sirius indecorously. "Don't you realise how close we were to getting caught?" he hissed.

Sirius clicked his tongue. "Aw, Moony, are you feeling insecure again?"

"What?" Remus said confusedly. "What do my insecurities have to do with this conversation?"

"Do you want a Sirius Hug? C'mon, you know you want one!"

Remus folded his arms. "I am not falling for that trick again!"

"I won't give you a kegging. Truthfully, I don't see what's so bad about giving someone a keg."

"You pulled down my trousers in front of the entire hoard of first years!"

Sirius couldn't understand his annoyance. "It was a Welcome-To-Hogwarts Prank. They were expecting it. Sheesh..."

A loud snore over from James' bed made the two finally realise their purpose for sneaking into the Hospital wing in the first place.

"He's been sleeping all day," Sirius complained, walking over to his bed. "He's pretty boring when he's awake, but he's even more boring when he's asleep."

Once Remus and Sirius joined their injured, sleeping friend by his bedside, they instantly covered their noses as their eyes watered.

"What is that stench?" Remus cried. "It's inhumane!"

"You don't think he's dead already, Moony? Corpses normally smell."

Remus grimaced. "Of course he's not dead. They wouldn't leave his body here to rot out in the open."

Sirius snorted, "They did that with Juliet."

"But she wasn't dead," Remus pointed out tiredly.

"Oh yeah."

"No, Moony, not the nipple crippling," James mumbled, rocking in his sleep. "I promise I'll stop moving the bookmarks in your books for fun and stop charming them into edible chocolate! I didn't know they would melt in the temperature! Aaargh!"

Sirius looked at Remus with raised eyebrows.

"That never happened," Remus muttered.

Sirius –being bored and the good friend he was— wanted James out of his rest so they could chat with him, so using his forefinger and thumb, blocked up James' nose to prevent him from breathing.

"Is that necessary?" Remus murmured, worried as James turned an odd colour in the face. "Okay, stop it now, Sirius. He's not reacting. You may have just smothered him in his sleep."

James finally snapped open his eyes and coughed up for air as Sirius lifted his fingers off his nose.

The boy focused on his friends with squinted eyes. "Is that you, Lily?" James asked, only seeing a blur of colours without his glasses.

With a loud curse of, "of course not, dingleberry, that girl's got you on a leash," a pair of glasses was thrust on his face and his sight came back into focus.

"Oh, hey guys," James greeted his friends, his face showing that he obviously would have preferred a specific redhead then a baboon of a friend and his trainer. "Nice to see you," he feigned a smile involving no teeth, making his jaw look freakishly large and altogether completely false.

James sniffed the air and grimaced. "Eurgh, what died in here?"

"Apparently you," Sirius poked him, "Did you Sleep Fart? It smells like one. I'm particular familiar to them."

James made a scoffing sound. "I DO NOT Sleep Fart, fank you very much."

Sirius gasped. "Did you just thank me with an 'f'? How subtly rude."

There was a deep silence as everyone busied clamping their noses.

"Er...where's Lily?"

"Wow, only thirty seconds until you mentioned her again," Remus commented as he sat down.

Sirius made an ugly face. "It's always about that bird. Lily this," he mimicked a childish voice, "Lily that," he gestured a yapping hand, "Lily spank me..."

"What! I never said that!" James heated in the face.

Sirius wagged a finger at him. "But you were thinking it. I know you were. I was thinking that you were thinking it."

"I was also thinking Sirius was thinking James was thinking that," Peter voiced as he awoke with a yawn from their loud voices.

The boys smiled in surprise. "Hey, Pete, you're up!"

There was silence and everyone expectedly looked at Remus.

"I was not thinking that Peter was thinking that Sirius was thinking that James was thinking that," he scolded them.

"So..." James ruffled his hair, "Has Lily come to see me?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't seen her all afternoon," he indicated to him and Sirius. "Maybe she visited when we weren't here."

Sirius made a cough that sound a lot like the word "unlikely," and Remus elbowed him, making him tumble into a pile of Get Well Soon chocolates and sweets.

"Do you remember what happened, James?" Peter asked quietly.

James clenched a fist. "All I remember is Snape hitting me with that spell and me falling into the lake...Some disgusting Dark arts spell," he cursed, rubbing his painful chest.

"You lost a lot of blood," Remus stated.

Sirius cried dramatically, "You were like a plate of chips with too much ketchup on them..."

James looked at him, puzzled. "You're comparing me to a plate of chips? Are you saying I'm fatty? Are you saying I'm not good for someone? Are you saying I'm not good for Lily? I hate you..."

Remus congratulated James on his quick over-analysing.

"What are you on about, baboon?" Sirius said. "Don't get all Defensive House-wife on me. I saved your life!" He turned his head to the side, looking handsomely heroic.

James looked taken aback and smiled gratefully at his friend. "You saved me, Pad?" He reached out and patted his shoulder. "Thanks, man."

Remus grumbled.

"Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.

Remus looked at him indecorously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"

"Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."

James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.

"Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.

Peter yawned, "They mean the same anyway."

The boys looked at him confusedly. "What does?"

"The words heroic and homophobic," Peter explained.

Remus rolled his eyes. "So Superman rescued and helped people because of his homophobic sentiment?"

Peter narrowed his eyes. "Supper man...?"

"Never mind."

Sirius jumped up and down excitedly. "Ooo! Ooo! I have a great Muggle joke to do with Supper man."

"Superman," Remus corrected him.

"Whatever. Anyway, what did the mother say to call Superman for dinner?"

"'Honey, dinner's ready. Come downstairs, pumpkin, before your food gets cold. I baked your favourite mashed potatoes! I know how you love your mash!'" Peter guessed in a high voice. The boys looked at him strangely.

"No," Sirius sent Peter a worried look, "She said, 'Dinnah-dinnah-dinnah-dinnah-Batman! Wait…bugger! Wrong supper hero!"

Remus massaged his eyelids, breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth.

"So," Sirius rubbed his hands together as he sat on James' bed, munching on some Hogsmeade chocolate. "What are you gonna do to get Snivellus back? Get pigeons to rape his buttocks, or something?"

Remus widened his eyes at him. "What is your obsession with that pigeon monstrosity?"

Sirius laughed, "C'mon! It's funny."

James sighed, massaging his neck. "Truthfully, I don't give a toss about Snape. All I care about is Lily."

Sirius made an intake of breath. "What exactly are you saying, Prongsie?"

James stretched. "Instead of trying to kill Snivellus, I'll just concentrate on getting Lily talking to me again."

Sirius' eyes widened. "What!" he cried, pressing hand to James' forehead. "Have you gone mad? You're forehead is hot. Has Madam Pom Poms drugged you? Neglecting prank duties! You must be mentally and physically unstable! Unbalanced, that's what you are!"

James opened his mouth and threatened to cough up phlegm on him.

"Well," Sirius began, in a clearly miffed tone, putting his hands on his waist, "If you're not going to prank him for nearly killing you; me, Pete and Moony will have to instead."

Peter forced a cough. "Well, actually..." Sirius raised his eyebrows and Peter slightly moistened himself. "Madam Pomfrey said I might need a few days in here to recover," he mumbled.

"You spend so much time in the Hospital wing, you might as well get permanent living accommodations," James laughed.

Sirius wagged a finger at Peter, particularly liking to wag fingers at people that night. "What are you Wormtail, a man or a mouse?"

"Actually, I'm a rat," Peter joked, laughing out loud hysterically. "Get it? Get it, a rat? 'Cause I'm a rat? Y'know? Heh heh, heh—"

Sirius interjected, "You have to help us prank Snivellus, Pete! How could you be so selfish to get injured like this?"

Peter reddened in annoyance. "You left me by the lake for two hours until a group of seventh years undressed me and left me in my underwear! Then a group of first years thought I was a dead body so gave me a funeral sending and tried to dig a hole to burry me alive, but gave up half way so just left me in a big hole covered in leaves! And then a group of fifth years came along and also thought I was dead, tried to cremate me, lighting up the leaves with Flagrate spells!"

The boys gawked at him animatedly.

"You just made that last one up," Sirius said, unconvinced.

Peter raised an arm from under his bed sheet to show the burn marks.

"Jesus..." Sirius murmured. "Some of these Hogwarts guys can be really harsh, even worse pranksters than us."

"They were girls..." Peter mumbled, facing away from his friends as he feigned sleeping.

Sirius laughed nervously, "Well then, PP is excused out of the Snivellus massacring."

"Did you just say pee-pee?" James echoed.

Sirius grinned, "Yeah, his initials sound like urine! Isn't it G-REAT?"

Remus again massaged his eyelids, breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth.

"So, it's just you and me, Muh-hoony!" Sirius said excitedly, rubbing his hand on his head, giving him a noogie.

"I will only remind you the dangers of pranking and the extensive precautionary rules to trying to massacre some one, until I eventually bore you death or you give up the idea completely."

Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"

At the cry of the outburst, it had seemed that Sirius' loudness had just got the teensiest too loud as they heard the sound of incoming footsteps. Remus quickly tugged the invisibility cloak back over them - which aggravated James slightly as to how they were using his objects without his permission. Quickly shutting his eyes, James faked slow breathing as Madam Pomfrey came into the room once more.

"Scuff, Padfoot! Scuff quickly!" Remus hissed in his ear.

"Scuff? What the hell's that supposed to mean! A combination of Sirius and handcuffs?"

Madam Pomfrey marched into the room suspiciously, hearing the murmuring voices; she seemed to do some sort of odd dance as she walked around, as if she was trying to purposely catch them by bumping into the boys.

"Move! Move!" Remus ordered. They both jumped out of the way as Madam Pomfrey treaded.

The two froze again, trying not to rustle once more. Sirius made the same ridiculous pose as if he were playing musical statues, hands positioned out on front of him as if he were grabbing on to thin air. Trust him to make a perverted statue, dirty minded boy.

But, unexpectedly, Madam Pomfrey whirled around and bumped into the invisible Sirius, inconveniently placed in front of him, and the most disastrous thing happened.

Madam Pomfrey's chest bumped into Sirius' positioned hands.

And before he knew it, his hands had unconsciously touched the woman's breasts.

"AAARGH!" The witch screamed, placing her hands over her chest in shock at the invisible action.

"OH MY GOD!" Sirius shrieked. "MY HANDS TOUCHED HER MELONS!"

"OH MY GOD, YOUR HANDS TOUCHED HER BRISTOLS!" Remus also screamed with horror, both unaware that screaming was not wise at this particular moment.

"What are 'Bristols'?" Sirius asked curiously.

"An offensive slang word used for a women's breasts," Remus explained.

There were at least five seconds of silence until the three of them started wailing again.

"AAARGH!"

And, on that note, Sirius and Remus sprinted out of the Hospital wing with the cloak covering them, howling as they ran.

"Come back here, Peeves!" Madame Pomfrey commanded horrifically, confusing James and Peter as they listened to the disturbing scene in their beds. "I told you before: if you felt me up again one more time, I'd go tell Dumbledore about your disgusting behaviour!"

"Gavommiting," Peter mumbled.

"Monday morning..."

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

"Not good to be..."

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

"James Potter in

the Hoooospital wing

with Madam Pomfrey!"

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

"Oh Madam Pom Pom, gimme a condom-"

"WHAT?"

"I was joooking!"

"BAH-DAH! BAH-DAH-DAH-DAH!"

"Oh Madam Pom Pom, why don't you shake

your pom pom's with meee!"

"BAH-DAH! BA—"

"Shut up!" James bellowed, awakening from his sleep. He grabbed his glasses and put them on, shielding the morning light rays. "Shut up, shut up,shut up!"

He focused in on Sirius who was standing by his bed who showed a hurt expression, whilst Peter made an upside down mouth as he'd clearly been enjoying the background singing.

"Don't worry, Pete," Sirius patted his arm, making him groan as he'd burst a painful boil, "You're background 'BAH-DAH's were fantastic."

"Fantastically out of tune," Remus grumbled, trying to unblock an ear.

"Sirius, for Christ's sake," James sighed, "Will you ever stop singing random songs that probably haven't been written yet and are completely out of this time period?"

Sirius looked at him blankly. "Wha...?"

"Never mind."

Madam Pomfrey toddled up the four boys, black panda eyes clearly noticeable from a bad night's sleep.

I wonder why.

"Black, I'd appreciate it if you didn't burst everyone's ear drums with your high pitched singing, giving me more people to heal."

Sirius stuck out his lower lip, "Sorry, Madam Pom Poms."

"Pomfrey, Black. Pomfrey," she sighed in correction. "Now, I don't want you boys straggling around here," she pointed a finger disapprovingly at Sirius and Remus, "Just a quick chat and leave Mr. Potter and Pettigrew to rest. You boys have classes soon."

Sirius made an exaggerated moan and collapsed to his knees, putting his hands together in praying pleading. "Please Poppy! If I injure myself, will you let me stay here so I won't have to go to Transfiguration?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head. "I do not want you self harming yourself purposely. And no more eating objects that aren't edible! It's simply foolish to do such dangerously harming things to get out of lessons! Swallowing chewy bones, I mean, honestly, I've never seen anything like it!"

"But, Poppy!" Sirius cried. "Minerva will try to kill me anyway, so I will eventually end up here at some point of the day."

"No means no, Black. And don't call adults by their first name. It's rude and downright...strange," Madam Pomfrey finished, leaving the boys to talk for a few minutes as she went back into her office.

The second the witch left, James smirked at Sirius, "You touched her boobs! Eeeeew!"

Sirius reddened. "Not voluntarily!" he protested.

"What did they feel like?"

The boys turned to look at Peter at the perverted comment, surprised that it hadn't come out of Sirius' mouth.

"I'm not gonna answer that, Wormtail!" Sirius said. "That's just revolting!"

Remus looked blankly in between the boys. "Have you two just swapped bodies or something?"

Sirius flicked him in the nose. "Shut up, Moony. I'm not the perverted one all the time, y'know."

There was silence and the friends looked at each other in turn.

"But what did they feel like, Padfoot?"

"Shut up, Wormtail!"

Peter chuckled and put his hands up in defence. "I was joking! I really was."

"You better've been."

"Seriously, were they firm—OW!"

"That slap was necessary, Pete," Sirius told him in a parental way. Peter rubbed the back of his head and sulked. When James and Remus seemed to be talking in deep conversation, Sirius stared, noticing their lack of attention to him, and used this available opportunity to describe Madam Pom Pom's breasts to Peter.

"You told her?" Remus said, completely flabbergasted. "You told Lily she kissed a cat? Why?"

James knocked his head repeatedly on the hard bed post, which Remus eventually stopped after the eleventh knock. "I just accidentally blurted out that we'd had a first kiss, which obviously wasn't notified to Lily as the first because the first kiss she had with me was when I was naked in a robe and –oh yeah— that was a bloody cat!" He tried to calm his temper as he started coughing again, stopping himself before he emptied phlegm over Remus' face.

"Did you try talking to her?" Remus asked. "Apologizing to her?"

James flushed. "Well," he began weakly, and Remus instantly prepared himself for the worse, "If by apologize, you mean grab and kiss her again...then sure, I did apologize."

Remus groaned, inwardly and outwardly. "Why on earth did you do that?"

"Because I'm stupid, I'm stupid with a double 'o'! In fact, I'm stoopid!" James cried. "I just saw her with Snape and I wanted to kiss her. And then she kicked me in the gonads-" Remus winced "-and it hurt."

"I can imagine," Remus said weakly. "But why did you do it? When she was purely aggravated with you, you just had to—"

"JELLY, my Wormtail papoose, JELLY."

James and Remus snapped their heads to stare at Sirius who was talking audibly with Peter. Sirius looked back at them in return, noticing their gaze on him. "Um, sorry for talking over you…carry on," he batted a hand, talking more quietly.

James returned back to the conversation of Lily. "Well it works in the Muggle films, Moony! You just grab 'em and kiss 'em and they're too turned on to stop!"

Remus grimaced at the detail. "James, they are Muggle films. They're not real. They're acting. It's called fiction. Not everything conjured up exists. Like Fairies do not exist," Remus teased, "No wait—yes they do...I mean, giants don't...oh bugger, well, they do as well. But unicorns—bugger! Okay, not using the illustration of magical creatures then; Father Christmas does not exist."

"You lie!"

"Okay, let's just change the subject," Remus said, truly unbalanced.

"POINTY, my Wormtail papoose. POI—why are you two looking at me like that?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?" James interrogated.

Sirius laughed, "Nothing, nothing. The conversation is over with now," he declared, but whispered a, "We'll talk later, Pete. So, what are you guys talking about? Lily, I presume?" he guessed. "So you guys did exchange each other's spit and wrestle tongues?"

James slightly grimaced. "Not when you say it like that, please."

"What was it like?"

Again, the boys turned to look at the newly appointed perverted Peter who was looking with curious eyes.

After few minutes of silence, James finally asked, "Why are you looking at me like that, Wormtail? I'm not going to bloody tell you!"

Peter made a disappointed sound. "Oh, but James, I will never experience canoodling. I just want to know what it's like..."

Sirius took pity on him and clamped him on the back. "I'm sure you have! I'm sure you told me in fifth year how you kissed a girl in your first year," he thumped the air, "Score!"

Remus tried to ignore the offensive terms of congratulating kissing a girl as if it were a game of quidditch.

"No," Peter shook his head, "I said I kissed a first year girl...when I was a fifth year..."

There was notable muteness as the boys inwardly vomited, if that were even possible.

"You really need a girlfriend, mate," James said unsympathetically.

"Besides, PP Peter," Sirius returned to Peter's new nickname, "Kissing isn't anything special. It's like...chewing on a large yummy toffee!"

"What is the toffee representing in this metaphor?" Remus frowned. "Actually, I don't want to know."

James put his hands up in frustration. "Guys, can you please concentrate on me here! Lily's not talking to me AGAIN. Give me helpful advice, for once!"

The boys looked at him blankly.

"Okay, just give me any advice!"

"Just grab her and kiss her!" Sirius suggested.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Kissing is not the answer to everything, Sirius."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, "You'd be surprised..."

"Besides, James already grabbed and kissed her and she kicked him in the gonads."

Sirius winced. "Owie..."

"Look, James," Remus began, and James listened because his plans were normally the most intelligent and less insane. "Tomorrow, when you're out of the Hospital wing, just try and talk to Lily again and don't take no for an answer. Do not kiss her," he warned.

"Unless she wants to," Sirius added cheekily.

James nodded, understanding all the instructions; well, looking as if he understood. "Right," he nodded eagerly, "Take no for answer and kiss her," he concluded.

"No!" Remus groaned. "DON'T take no for an answer. DO NOT KISS HER."

James nodded again. "Right, take any answer and kiss her."

Remus started smacking his head against the bed post. "I give up..."

Madam Pomfrey ambled back in the Hospital wing for the final time and eyed the boys in annoyance. "Get to class!" she ordered.

"But, Poppy—" Sirius began.

"No, Black," she cut in.

"Not even if I," Sirius paused and exercised his singing lungs, "Do the locomotion with you?"

Madam Pomfrey looked at him blankly. "I haven't got the foggiest idea what you're talking about."

"What? But you were singing it! I heard you! Remus and I—"

"That is enough nonsense, Black."

"But—"

"I will not put you in a dreamless sleep! Now, get going!"

"Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now. Come on baby; do the loco-motin—damn it! Who got that stupid song in my head?"

Lily hurried to her first lesson of Transfiguration. She'd had particularly a sleepless night thinking about an obsessive stalker named James-bloody-Potter; extra emphasis on 'bloody'.

All night she kept having dreams of James and Snape wizard duelling, until Snape somehow got the better hand and pushed James to the floor, screaming the Avada Kedavra killing curse and green light casing everywhere, then, oddly, Sirius and Remus skipped along passed the scene in a tutu whilst Remus complained about why they had to look femininely pink and discussed whether Lily was on crack. She'd woken up gasping for air and covered in sweat.

She'd visited James in the early hours of the morning but he'd predictably been asleep, leaving her to daze wondrously at his bed side and wonder what exactly she was doing there.

"So, come on, come on, and do the loco-motion with…shut up! Stupid song!"

She quickened her steps to the classroom until she finally made it outside the doors where students were hanging outside in small groups. Wondering why nobody had entered yet, she made her way up to the door and turned the handle to open it and investigate.

Lily screamed.

She didn't know what it was but she instantly screamed, along with the rest of the surrounding students, as a big white of mass erupted from the classroom and engulfed everyone in what appeared to be wet...foam?

"What the hell is going on?" Lily yelled, trying to make her way through the nearly shoulder height thick foam that had suddenly filled up the corridor.

"Save the small ones! Save the midgets!" A tall student cried. He scooped up the smaller students rather heroically as they appeared to be drowning in said foam, collecting them on his shoulder and back.

"Aargh, my clothes!" Lily fumed as her uniform was now wet and foamy. "I'll KILL who ever did this! Mark my words!"

Suddenly a head popped out from the froth in front of her and she shrieked.

"Look, I'm Santa!" Sirius laughed, the white foam placed boldly upon his head and at the bottom of his chin, mimicking grey hair. "HO, HO, HO!"

Remus suddenly appeared at Sirius' side after making a trail through the foamed corridor. "Sirius! How did you even do this?" he asked, infuriated yet mildly impressed.

Sirius tried to look oblivious and started placing foam on Remus face so he now portrayed a long beard wobbling from his chin. "You're Dumbledore! Har har!"

Lily burst with anger. "You did this!" She cracked a knuckle.

"No!" Sirius said unconvincingly. "What makes you think that?"

Lily pointed to the wall beside them where the words 'SIRIUS DID THIS' were written messily with a lathered finger.

"Okay, maybe that was a little unnecessary," Sirius mumbled.

Lily splashed her hands in the foam with annoyance. "What was the point in even doing this, wanker?"

"Because I didn't want to go to Transfiguration and see McGonagall," Sirius explained, as if the answer was obvious.

"But she'll still kill you when she finds out you did this," Remus pointed out.

Comprehension dawned on his face and he waddled through the foam, wiped his 'SIRIUS DID THIS' message from the wall and came back over to them. "Okay, there's no evidence now," he grinned. He grabbed a handful of suds and started rubbing it on Lily's head, so now it appeared like she had devil horns.

"Hey, the smoke coming out of your nose matches your devil horns," Sirius pointed. As he added a small dab of foam on to Lily's lower lip -making her look strangely like Hitler- she finally snapped and pushed Sirius into the thick bubbles.

"Aaah! My eyes!" Sirius howled, rubbing his eyelids, "BLINDING PAIN!"

Lily gasped. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to—"

"JOKE!" Sirius yelled, pushing Lily into the foam. She fell into a mass of the white bubbles and struggled to get to her feet again, only falling and slipping. Once she finally remained her balance, she glared whilst looking like a giant white malteser.

"Oh, you LYING ARSE!" she roared.

"FOAM FIGHT!" Sirius announced.

This proclamation took at least three seconds for the Transfiguration class to process, until everyone started grabbing fistfuls of foam and stuffing it in people's eyes and into people's mouth - it was all extremely dangerous fun.

"Aaaah! Stop it! Stop it!" Sirius yelped, who had somehow been turned against by both Lily and Remus who were stuffing foam down his trousers and shirt. "It's tickly! Stop it!" He laughed. "I wonder where McGonagall is—"

" BLACK!"

"Uh oh."

The professor suddenly appeared in the foam next to the fighting trio, coughing as the frothiness engulfed her. She tried to look intimidating but foam sticking to her clothes and the suds making her sneeze was just too humorous to not laugh off.

"Black!" She shouted in frustration.

Sirius didn't know what else to do except grab some foam and shape a lathering white beard and moustache on Professor McGonagall's face. Once Sirius had finished the art with a white foamy bobble to her hat, he said a hopeful "Ho ho?" and disappeared downwards into the bubbles.

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An Extra long chapter.... :) NOW DONT BUG ME FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!! Lol.... Actually, do bug me... Its fun.... Possible 6-8 chapters left.... Thanks so much for supporting this story.... This one is for alll the mothers out there... :) Happy Mother's Day!! Be sure to get your mom something good, and lots of hugs!!!

NOW A QUESTION!!!! WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR MOM???? C'mon! Tell me!!!! :) I Got nothing... Mom says its the best gift ever! Plus its my brother's birthday tomorrow too....

(I'm serious about the heart!!!!) <3 Y

HUGS TO ALL MOMS!!!!!!!!!!!