"...because I am a mess," Sana shouted. 

"My emotions are a mess. my mental state is a mess. I don't... I just... I am so lost. mujhe nahi pata abhi kaisa feel ho rha hai. I don't know what I want right now. I just feel the darkness around me." Sana sobbed. sid's heart ached to see her condition. he took a step forward to comfort her but she stopped him.

"no, please don't. mujhe sympathy nahi chahiye. please." she said wiping her tears.

"yeh, sympathy nahi hai. humne kabhi tere par pity feel nahi kiya. tujhe asia lagta hai hum tujhpe pity feel karte hai?" anu asked.

"nahii pata mujhe. I just don't know. kispe trust karu kispe nahi. kon mera apna hai kon nahi. dar lagta hai mujhe pyar karne se, trust karne se because I am all broken now. ab aur tootne ki gunjaish nahi hai. agar ab hurt hui na to mar hi jaungi." Sana said sighing. she sat on the bed holding her head in her hands. anu was shocked to listen to what she just said. she thought she trusted her truly. she was her best friend.

"and I thought that you trust me truly, that I am your best friend. I thought that you trust me that I will not do anything to hurt you intentionally." anu said dejectedly closing her eyes. and Sana laughed, she literally laughed. 

"sahi socha tune, karti hu bohot bharosa karti hu tere upar. I trust you with my life. but I am sorry ab ye trust na weakness jaisa lag raha hai. mujhe aisa feel hota hai ki abhi kuch hoga aur tu bhi chorh degi mujhe. tu bhi chali jayegi aur mein fir tut jaungi....... I know you would feel like ye kaisa trust hai. and honestly mere man bhi yeh hi ques hai. (she chuckled sadly) par mera jo dar hai na uske samne ye trust weak parta ja raha hai yaar. meri kya galti hai isme bata, jisse sabse zada pyaar kiya, mera bhai, jispe sabse zada trust kiya, mera bhai, usne kya kiya mere sath. jiske sath safe and secure feel karna chahiye tha, unke sath sabse zada dar lagta hai kuch galat hone ka, mere father. jinke liye sabse ladi, apne hi baap ko tamacha tak laga diya, apne dreams, apne hobbies chorh ke kamane nikal gayi, my mother, unhone kya kiya mere sath. jab mere apno ne, jinka khoon hoon main mere sath aisa kiya to kisi aur pe kaise trust karu. parr tujhpe karti hoon, khud se zada kati hoon aur is trust se sabse zada dar lagta hai mujhe....tum log bhi confuse ho gaye na ki yeh kya keh rahi hai. dekha another way in which I am a mess. khud ki feelings se dar lagta hai mujhe." sana said in one go and looked in their eyes one by one. despite the hurt, they have now started to understand that she was in deep turmoil of her feelings. 

"they gave you the reason not to trust them. I didn't and I am sure Sidharth also didn't. we were there always by your side. do we really deserve this lack of trust from you?" anu asked.

"do I deserve all this? do I deserve to be this broken? do I deserve this loneliness? did I gave them the reason to ruin my life? did I give them the reason to question my character? I don't think so I did. you tell me, you were there all the time, did I? I just don't have any kind of justification for the lack of faith in you, I don't. par main kya karoon nahi ho raha mujhse. mujhe pata hai ki tu apni jaan hi de sakti hai mere lie jaise main de sakti hoon tere lie. trust ki kami nahi hai balki insecurities aur dar itna zada hai ki trust kam pad jata hai." sana sniffled a little. her face was all red from the crying she did before and now when she is trying hard not to cry. anu was no less, the only difference was that she didn't try to stop her tears. Sidharth didn't understand why she wants to hide her tears. he wants her to cry all her pain out today because he was determined that he will not let her cry after today.

"We understand Sana, we really do. I know whatever you have been through made you like this. but you are getting a chance to come back to light. you have us. ek baar, bas ek baar bharosa karke dekhle please. if you want to test our loyalty towards you we are up for that but let us in. tell us the reason why you didn't tell us anything in the first place. what are the reasons for your sudden panic attacks in the past few days that led you to the hospital? did you really try to sui..suicide? sid wasn't even able to ask if she wanted to really end her life. the thought sends chills down his spine. Sana looked at him in his eyes and then Anu's eyes. they were so honest and she knew they are her well-wishers but still when your trust breaks, you doubt each and every person around you. vo kehete hai na doodh ka jala chaas bhi phoonk phoonk ke peeta hain. same was her situation. 

"she already said it Sidharth, she doesn't trust us. that's why she didn't tell us." said anu. she knew sana's situation and she also understood everything but she was still hurt. Sana sighed. she doesn't want to lose them at any cost.

"I didn't tell you because I... I wanted to feel worthy of doing something on my own. I didn't plan to consult a psychiatrist. mujhe to pata bhi nahi tha ki main depression mein hoon. I was never the one to talk much so being all silent and wanting to be just alone seemed normal to me. one day in the park near my parent's house, I fainted. dr. Shikha was there. she attended me, took me to the hospital, did some tests, and when I gained consciousness, she talked to me. I didn't want to answer anything so I either denied the answer or kept quiet. after some time she told me that there are a lot of chances that I am in depression. I was a little shocked but then it seemed pretty obvious looking at whatever happened. she was nice and convincing and I was vulnerable, so I talked to her. obviously, she is a doctor. unhe pata tha mujhse batein kaise nikalvani hai so she succeeded. I felt good so I took regular sessions. mujhe tha ki kuch time mein I will stop so there's no need to tell anyone, not that anyone cared other than you. but instead of getting better, things got bad. previously I was just going for counseling but now my panic attacks started, so medicines started. till then I was living at my mama's house and then I shifted to your place. you know me, jab bat paise ki ya aise basic cheezo ki hoti hai, I can't take help. just can't but I was already taking money from mama Ji and from you a place to live, that didn't go well with me. I felt worthless that I can't do anything. but when I got a job I thought I was getting back on track, academics were under control and I was earning and my mind was sane for some time but this is not constant for me right." she chuckled.

"everything started to fall apart again. mom aur bhabhi went back to dad, I couldn't continue my job, whatever they said made me feel disgusted to back," sid was confused plus shocked and anu shook he head as she knew that sana lied when she asked her about the same.

"I wasn't able to focus so academics got disturbed. between all this chaos, I forgot that I haven't paid my fee and I didn't have enough money so deen sir said main exam nahi de paungi jab tak dues clear an kar du. the only thing that kept me sane, that I thought is intact in all this was also going away from my hand. I had to ask someone for money and I couldn't ask you. you were literally feeding me, actually, you are still. mein toh yahan bhi teri wajah se hi hoon. I felt helpless aur mera self-respect ya ego jo bhi tum samjho didn't allow me to ask for help. that night Sidharth was there with me. his concern and his care were breaking the walls around me and I knew if let my academics go, I'll go mad so keeping everything aside I did what I dreaded. I asked for money from him. he didn't even ask me the reason, why I want that huge amount all of a sudden, just gave me. I am forever thankful to you Sidharth but honestly, I just was so disappointed with myself. I hated myself more than before. then you asked Me to come back and work with you, I didn't want to but I had to. I was left with no option." this made him a little more confused.

"then we came here, and that post happened. I was so angry, so raged. just one question, why are they all happy after making me suffer through hell. I hated them more. I wanted to forget everything but meri kismat itni acchi hai ki ek final bomb mere upar phod diya. THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, the competition I was preparing for the last 11 months, last moment pe ake deen ne mera naam usme se withdraw kar lia." anu gasped and seeing her reaction and understood that its competition was very important.

"The biggest opportunity of my life just slipped away. that night before the day I fainted, deen called me to say the same and when I asked him the reason of why he did this he told me that...that I..I failed in the sessionals. my marks are not enough to get me through this year if I don't top in finals. I might have to repeat this year so he was not convinced that I'll do any good in the competition so he drew my name back. the girl who always topped, sessionals ho ki finals ya koi quiz, failed so bad that she might have to repeat the year. I was so lost ki kuch padha hi nahi. top karna to door ki bat hai, I don't know mein final exams paas bhi kar paungi ki nahi. so gist off the story, what I am left with is, depression, panic attacks, a  certificate of being characterless, failed in academics and a debt of sixty thousand that I have not idea how to repay." she completed with a chuckle. all this while silent tears were flowing down her eyes. she looked so lost, so pained and so hurt. Sidharth choked looking at her condition.

"so this all, I told you everything....." she said wiping her tears and sitting on the bed.

"I didn't understand one thing. why did you feel disgusted to back and work with me?" Sidharth asked the question that roamed in his mind since she said that. Sana chuckled.

"apparently I was said that I got the job because I have a certain kind of relationship with you. I became a well-paid secretary despite being underqualified because I was involved with my boss. and I felt disgusted because this judgment about my character was given by my mother followed by others." Sana said it so coldly. sid's stomach churned that a mother says that about her daughter like this. he also felt a little disgusted.

"did you overdosed yourself intentionally?" anu asked.

"no, I did know that I was taking too much of a drug and that could harmful for me but didn't thought ki overdose ho jayega ki aise situation aa jayegi. everything in the surrounding made me remember my past and I just kept on getting an attack. these attacks nowadays are becoming unbearable so every time I just took medicine. I don't the reason behind all these. dr. Shikha wants me to get a check-up done and then she will tell me the exact situation." Sana told them sighing. there was a knock at the door. it was man.

"Sana your cab is here. you should go to reach the airport on time." aman informed. Sana nodded and got up to leave but Sidharth held her hand stopped her.

"you go, she'll come," he said to aman, who nodded awkwardly and went from there. Sana looked at sid in confusion because now she had told everything. why he stopped her?

---------------------------------------------------

okay, so this is it for now. I don't really know if this is up to the mark. you guys tell me and also tell me what do you think sid have to say and have to do. your comments are precious and give me ideas also. 

so please comment and share and vote

love you guys. stay safe