sana was in the college but her mind was not. she was just thinking about the meet with rita ji. though she had decided that she will speak today but her fear was coming back. not having share the smallest thing ever was creating a problem she was rethinking about her decision of telling the truth. she came back to the world by her friends voice.

"yaar ajj ka din kitna bore hai na. i wanna do something different today." raj said.

"haan yaar, but what?" aman asked. "music" voice came form back and everybody turned back to see ankita standing there.

"i have just checked music room 2 ghante ke lie free hai. lets go. vaise bhi hamare lie usse accha time pass kya hi hoga." ankita exclaimed excitedly. everyone nodded in agreement.

"Nahi yaar plz, aur kuch" sana whined. Everyone narrowed their eyes at her because usually she is the one most ready to go to music room and do jamming.

"Tujhe kya hua. Pehele to hamesha u re always ready to go. Abhi kyu nahi." Asked raj.

"Bas aise hi man nahi hai." Sana said and looked away leaving everyone confused especially anu. She knew that whenever she is upset or anything, she sings because that is her only relief but today she is saying no to singing, that's weird.

"Hey what's the deal. Why are you saying no for music?" Anu whispered in sana's ears.

"Just not in mood." Sana shrugged but still looking down and anu understood that as she is not making eye contact, there's definitely something more to it but she shrugged it away knowing she would not tell now.

"Vahan jakar man ban jayega." Saying so anu dragged sana to music room and everyone else followed chuckling.

They were all in music room and jamming but sana was lost. Anu was confused and tensed about her. She already was too quite, music was one of the ways to tell her mood as she always sang the song matching her mood. If she is sad she would sing sad song and if happy then a rock song or something. Anu can't let her get completely closed off. This will not be good for her mental health. So she nudged her friends to drag sana to sing one song which she agreed after a lot cajoling. Everyone else were also confused by her behaviour.

Sana was standing in front of the mic and others on the instruments were waiting for her to tell which song and what cord.

"Tujhse naraz nahi zindgi" sana said and everyone nodded. Anu decided to go live from there group account. They were the musical band of there college so almost everyone in the college followed there instagram account. Till now no one except there group knew that sana sings because she didn't wanted anyone to know. Because according to her she sang just for satisfaction and also she isn't good enough for anyone to hear. So she just sang in private. So anu decided to go live without her knowledge and will deal with her later.

Tujhse naaraz nahi zindagi
Hairaan hoon main
Ho hairaan hoon main
Tere masum sawaalon se
Pareshaan hoon main
Ho pareshaan hoon main

This was the exact feeling that sana had right now. She close her eyes and sang pouring her heart out through the song. She was all confused in her mind. Having second thoughts on every decision she was taking resulting in not reaching to the final decision.

Jeene ke liye socha hi nahi
Dard sambhalne honge
Muskuraaye toh muskuraane ke
Karz utarne honge
Muskuraaun kabhi toh lagta hai
Jaise hothon pe karz rakha hai

This was exactly happeningveith her. She smiles for a minute and cry after that for an hour. She was now shared of happiness as she had enough of crying and pain. She was giving up.

Tujhse naaraz nahi zindagi Hairan hoon main
Ho.. hairaan hoon main

Aaj agar bhar aayin hain
Bundein baras jaayengi
Kal kya pata inke liye
Aankhen taras jaayengi
Jaane kab ghum hua, kahaan khoya
Ek aansu chhupa ke rakha tha

She was now feeling that she was getting short of tears now. She wanted to cry but she was too exhausted mentally to do so.

Tujhse naraaz nahi zindagi 
Hairaan hoon main
Ho..
hairaan hoon main
Tere masum sawaalon se
Pareshaan hoon main
Ho.. pareshan hoon main

She sang with so much feel that everyone on the instrument had tears in there eyes. Nobody except anu knew her pain but the feel in her singing was enough to make them cry. Even the people who were seeing the live felt it. Everyone was stunned listening to her. How come nobody know about her having such a beautiful voice. Anu turned on the front camera.

"Well this was our little secret which is out now. We have a nightingale with us and now I will have to take your leave because this nightingale is all red in anger for doing this live show without asking her. Bye bye." She waved and ended the live and looked at her best friend who was looking at her as if she will kill her the next moment.

"What the hell anu. You know I don't like all these. Now whole college will know." Sana yelled at anu making everyone shocked by the sudden outburst.

"Sorry yaar I just thought it will be fun....." Anu said.

"Forget it" sana said and left the room in fury leaving everyone confused and anu on verge of crying.

Sana was sitting in the college ground thinking about what happened. She also didn't understand what happened to her that she reacted this way. Yes she doesn't like going live and all but it wasn't that big deal. She was regretting the way she talked to anu. She was about to go to her to apologize, when she got the msg from rita ji.

Meet you at radiance palace in half an hour?

Okay

She sighed and decided to talk to anu later as she has to leave now.

After half an hour sana was sitting at the venue told by rita ji waiting for her. Rita ji reached there and waved at sana to gain her attention. They hugged each other.

"Kaise hai baccha." Rita ji asked breaking the hug.

"Main to bohot acchi hu app batao." Sana said taking her seat.

"Main bhi bas as usual badia. And now you are going to speak the truth. What happened yesterday." Rita Ji said. Sana looked at her and then down and again at her and down not understanding what to say. Rita ji looked at her confused face and sighed.

"I know it's hard for you to share but trust me once when you have shared that weight on your heart will be lifted. Dekh baccha problems har kisi ki life mein hoti hai fark itna hai ki jo kush hai usne apni problems ko second priority di hai aur khushion ko first. Jab khud ko samajh na aye ki kya kare to dusro ki advice leke dekho shayad kam kar jaye. Aise andar hi andar rakhne se khud ko hi takleef hogi. I am all ears, take time, make yourself comfortable aur agar yahan ke bajaye aur private place chahiye to vo bhi bol, but just speak. Okay" rita ji said rubbing her hand with her thumb and giving a smile.

Sana till now had tears in her eyes. All these things what rita ji said was not huge, but these simple words were the only thing sana needed to listen. Now she was ready for anything to come but she will speak today.

"Bas yehi..." They were interrupted by the waiter. They placed there orders and again sat there paying attention to each other.

"Bas yehi sab sunna tha shayad par kisi ne kabhi bola hi nahi. Hamesha kuch bhi share karne se darti thi, kabhi use na ho jau is dar se to kabhi kisi ko hurt na kar du is dar se but you know what sabse zada dar lagta tha ki kahi main khud hi galat na niklu kyun ki agar aisa hua to I will be damned." Sana said looking down.

"Khud galat nikli matlb" rita ji asked getting confused. Sana looked at her and took a deep breath. This was it now she would actually tell someone else.

"Haan, jo bhi hua usme. My parents are not like you, they are not that affectionate, not that expressive, not that loving. I always felt that difference between me and my brother when it comes to the love and affection received by my family." Sana was only looking down playing with her fingers while speaking. Rita ji didn't interrupted her in between and let her share as much as she wants.

"It started since I was 12, Small small things started affecting me. Unka kam me categorize karna ki kya kam mera bhai kar sakta hai kya main, isiliye nahi ki vo chota hai balki isiliye ki vo ladka hai. Usko cheeze pyaar se samjhana, mujhpar chillana aur tane marna. There were few moments when I felt loved but vo itne kam hai na ki kho jate hai, jab positivity ke lie dhoondhti hu to milte hi nahi." Till now tears were flowing down her eyes but she didn't stop as she knew it now or never. Rita ji wanted to hug her but decided against it and gave her time to empty her heart.

"I started drifting from them, from my family. I love my brother unconditionally. Uske lie kuch bhi karne ko tayar hu. Par use meri zaroorat hi nahi hai, usko to sab karte hai pyar. I have never asked for anything big, ever. Kabhi zid bhi nahi ki, nahi actually ek bar ki thi, I was in 7th standard I guess, I wanted a piano, maine unse kaha unhone mana kar diya. Maine phir paise jama kiye ki mai kudh lungi but phir bhi nahi lene diya. 3 din tak zid ki aur uske bad kabhi kuch nhi manga. Apne shonk apne sapne sab daba diya. Padai mein sath diya bilkul diya, ye main unko dungi but sirf padai par paise karch karna kafi to nahi na. I am proud of you, ye 5 words sunne ko taras gayi main. I got 95% in 10th and what I got a simple congratulations and a hand shake. I got 93% in 12th but what I got was a taunt, "itne bhi acche no. Nahi hai, zada kush mat ho aur padhai kar" that was I guess my 1st time I cried ki mujhe bura laga but sirf mummy ke samne.
My dad shook hi hands with me jab meri mummy ne unhe kahan ki kam se kam congratulate karke kuch meetha toh khila do but I got just a hand shake and yeah ek aur cheez "kam reh gaye marks thora aur pad leti".

Newspaper mein result ke sath mere photo aya tha. I was so excited and happy. Patani kahan kahan se paper dundh ke lai jisme picture tha but jab unhe bataya mummy ne, maine to kuch bhi kehena chorh diya tha unse, to he said ki ab kya raddi mein dalna hai ise. My all excitement vanished, my heart broke. I won a competition in which I registered with 500 rupees and when I got winning hampers he didn't congratulate but said ki yeh sab item milake 500 to ho hi jayega." Sana said with a sad laugh wiping her tears with back of her hands and looking at rita ji whose eyes were also heavy.

"Are aunty app kyun roh rahe ho, yeh sab kuch bada thori hai. Yeh sab to tolerate karne layak hai. Itne incidence hai ki recall bhi nahi kiye ja sakte. Mujhe to yeh tak yaad nahi ki maine last I love you kab suna tha un logon se." Sana said laughing that turned into sobbing. She covered her face with her hands and sob. Rita ji got up from her seat and sat beside her and hugged her. She let her cry as much as she wants. Thankfully they were seated in the corner most seat that they are not visible to everyone.

"Bas bas bacha. Accha lag raha hai bat karke." Rita ji asked cupping her face and wiping her tears with her thumb after few minutes.

But sana shook her head and spoke, "abhi to story shuru hui na, meri life story mein bohot sad sad moments hai. Abhi climax ayega." Sana said giggling within her tears. Rita ji looked in her eyes. They reflected innocence but they were also extremely sad. She asked her to continue.

"Yeh sab to reasons the ki mai cut off ho gayi apni hi family se. Kuch share nahi karti thi, agar kahin dukh raha hota tha na tab bhi jab tak contol se bahar na nikal jaye tab tak kisi ko nahi batati thi. Vaise batane ka koi fayeda to hota nahi tha, kabhi bol dete the dawai kha le theek ho jayega kabhi gyan ka bhashan deke chorh dete the aur main dekti rehti thi ki suna to diya lekin abhi dard ho raha hai to kya karu. Fir kudh jo samajh ata tha vo kar leti thi. Time lagta tha par eventually theek ho hi jata tha shayad. Haan to bas bat karna band. Ghar ki sabse chup rehene vali ladki thi mai. Kisi se bhi pooch lo sab relatives sab log bas yehi kehete the. Kisine reason nahi janna chaha bas samjh lia ki shant nature hai. But ek din yeh shant rehene vali ladki volcano ki tarah phooti." Sana said giggling. She didn't wanted to cry as she knew she will not be able to stop if she cried now.

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Typing another part. Khatam hua to ajj hi dal dungi. Tab tak yeh batao kaisa hai.

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