It was easy for Cierra not to think about her dad when Luke was back in her life.

But now, Luke wasn't in her life, and she couldn't use him as a constant distraction. So, she was back to thinking about how upset she was that her dad came to visit her. And, on top of that, she was upset at Luke for what he had done.

She kept telling herself she was being unreasonable. Luke had forgiven her for calling their kiss a mistake and saying they should stay friends. Cierra should be able to forgive him for this.

She wanted to, so bad. And she knew at some point, she would. Because Cierra couldn't lose Luke, either. I can't lose you, she'd think about him saying that to her.

But the more Cierra thought about it, the weirder she felt.

She thought about how it felt like Luke was lying to her. How he could so easily pretend everything was okay when it clearly wasn't.

She thought about how when Luke had kissed her, his lips had been on someone else's just days before. She really hated thinking about that.

It made her feel reminiscent of the way it felt when Matt cheated on her. Luke didn't cheat on her, obviously, but it still made her feel shitty. There was some girl, at that moment, who was better than her. And that was the same reason Matt left her.

And she couldn't help but think that this was all her fault.

If she wasn't so paranoid and didn't freak out after kissing Luke, this never would have happened.

Cierra tried to have a normal week. She went to school and work. She did her homework and babysat her sister. She went to her therapy session. She hung out with Vicky and Emma. But everything kept creeping back into her mind, especially the image of Luke and some random girl in a bed. And she couldn't get rid of it, no matter how hard she tried.

There was a party on Friday. There was always a party on Friday. Cierra, for once in her life, was the one convincing Em to go, not the other way around. Emma claimed she was planning to stay in.

"Stay in?" Cierra questioned when Emma told her this. "Since when do you stay in? You need to come with me. If I'm home and bored I'll just mope around and feel sorry for myself."

So Cierra convinced Emma to go to this party. She even tried to convince Vicky to go, but it wasn't really her scene, so Cierra knew the chances were slim. But she just needed to get out of her house so badly. And drink. She needed to drink.

She never thought she would fully understand the urge to drink, but now she did. Cierra wanted to blame most of it on her dad, but she knew deep down it was Luke that was driving her to drink.

That's how she found herself at Emma's house, before the party, taking shots of something that was so gross it was hard to keep down. How did people drink this every week? Cierra asked herself. It tasted like what she thought nail polish remover would taste like.

When they got to the party, Cierra had taken six shots. By the third one, the taste had gotten so bad she thought she would have to stop. But by shot six, it barely tasted like anything at all.

And she was definitely already drunk. She had never drank this much alcohol before, ever. Cierra thought she was fine when she was at Emma's house, but once they got into their designated driver's car, that's when she realized that the alcohol was hitting. She felt warm. And she kept saying stupid things. And giggling. It was all leaving her mouth before she could control it.

At the party, there was some punch in a giant cooler that Cierra immediately poured herself a cup of. On a normal night, Emma may have stopped Cierra from drinking this much. But Emma had taken just as many shots as her, so she was just happy Cierra was on the same level as her.

The rest of the night was a blur. Cierra talked to people she had never met and overshared details of her life. This random guy made her participate in a chugging contest of their drinks, and she somehow won. She danced with Emma when a song she knew came on.

Despite all of that, every time she saw a girl, she wondered if it was the one Luke had slept with. And every time a group of guys walked into the room, she was worried one of them would be Luke.

Luke wasn't there, but Vicky and Calum did walk in at one point. Cierra let out a scream and ran over to hug them. "Vicky! Calum!" She said loudly, over the noise. "I'm so happy you guys are here. I love you guys." She hugged them both at once, swaying back and forth.

"Are you drunk?" Vicky laughed, not being able to escape from Cierra's tight grasp.

"Of course I'm drunk!" Cierra exclaimed. "I'm at a party. You guys should get drinks, too. The punch is so good. It tastes like... juice." She was rambling and definitely slurring her words a bit, but to her, it felt like she was speaking normally.

She dragged them to the kitchen, where she poured herself more of the punch and didn't even notice that they didn't get any themselves.

And then she was rambling to them about God knows what. Cierra was just talking and talking. Saying how much she loved the both of them. Explaining how disgusting the shots she took earlier were. Complaining about annoying people who came to her work and her math homework. It was like anything that popped into her brain needed to be said out loud immediately.

And then Cierra said before she could stop herself, "And I really hope that I'm not gonna see Luke here," She took a brief pause. "But he's probably out fucking another girl tonight anyway."

Vicky and Calum just stared at her, because what on earth were they supposed to respond to that. Especially Calum. But drunk Cierra wasn't thinking about things like that.

Except Calum actually was the one to reply. "He actually just called me right before we got here to tell me how much he misses you."

Vicky immediately swatted at Calum's shoulder, giving him a "why would you say that" look, because she knew hearing that would make Cierra spiral.

And spiral she did. She knew that Luke missed her, but hearing the words confirmed (while being plastered) was enough to make her want to scream, sob, or maybe both.

So she stumbled her way over to where she remembered the drinks were, poured herself another cup of the seemingly endless punch, and chugged it. On the way back to Vicky and Calum, it felt like her drunkenness hit a peak. Every drink made its way to her bloodstream at once. She felt like she couldn't even see straight. She fell, not being able to find her footing anymore. She was right at Vicky's feet when she came crashing down to the sticky floor.

Vicky leaned down to pick her up. "We need to get you home," She said.

"What?" Cierra said, laughing as she stood up. "I don't wanna leave."

"You just fell. You're too drunk. I'm worried about you," Vicky replied, giving her a stern stare. "I love you, C, okay? I need you to be safe. It's not going to end well if you stay."

Cierra was too drunk to argue anymore, so she let Vicky and Calum lead her out of the house. She didn't possibly know where Emma could be, so she sent a very incoherent text to her about leaving (it probably wasn't readable, but it was the thought that counted.)

Cierra barely remembered the car ride home. It was in Calum's car, and she laid down in the back seat. She closed her eyes and the world was spinning.

When they got to Cierra's house, Vicky walked her upstairs to her room. Cierra immediately laid down in her bed, and Vicky sat on the edge, with her feet dangling over the edge.

"Are you okay?" Vicky asked.

"No," Cierra said. "I'm drunk. And I miss Luke. I want to see Luke so bad."

"Would sober you want to see Luke right now?" Vicky let out a small laugh.

"I don't care," Cierra said. "Drunk me is drunk right now and I want to see Luke. Can I please see Luke?"

"I think you should drink some water," Vicky countered. "And then go to bed."

"I-I will literally only drink water if I get to see Luke," Cierra slurred her words, "Please call Luke. He'll come. I know he will. I just need to see him."

Vicky sighed, looking like she may give in. Cierra quickly added, "I will not shut up about Luke unless you call him. I will be so annoying."

Vicky rolled her eyes, pulled out her phone and walked to Cierra's doorway.

x x x x x

It was pretty late when Luke got a call from Vicky.

And he couldn't imagine why Vicky would be calling him unless there was an emergency. He quickly picked up the phone.

"Hi..." Vicky said, a bit awkwardly. "Cierra is asking to see you."

"She is?" Luke said, getting a bit too excited and jumping off his couch. "Wait. Why are you telling me this?"

"Oh, I should have mentioned," Vicky said, "She's sloshed."

"Cierra's drunk?" Luke questioned.

"Very. And she won't drink water or go to bed until she sees you. Apparently."

"Then I'll come. Of course I'll come. I'll be there in 20," Luke said, looking around for his keys.

Luke's drive over was enough time for him to start seriously worrying about Cierra. She almost never drank, and now she was apparently very drunk. It was definitely his fault, and he knew that.

He wondered if Cierra was asking to see him to drunk yell at him. He deserved that, so he couldn't even be mad if that was the case.

When he got to Cierra's house, Calum was sitting in the living room. Luke didn't know he'd be there. "Hey," Luke said. "What's going on?"

"Cierra and Vick are upstairs," Calum replied. "We went to this party because Cierra invited us. She was so drunk we took her home. What are you doing here?"

"Vicky called me and said Cierra wanted to see me," Luke said. "Do you think she wants to yell at me?"

Calum stifled a laugh. "Maybe, bro. Good luck."

Luke walked up the stairs to Cierra's room. He could hear her from the bottom of the steps, talking loudly and giggling. When he got to her room he peeked in and saw Vicky sitting on Cierra's bed, while Cierra laid in it.

"Finally!" Cierra exclaimed. "It took you long enough to get here, Hemmings."

"Hi, C," Luke responded, giving her a soft smile. She gave him a big smile back. Her eyes were barely open and her hair was a mess (more of a mess than it usually was.)

"Vicky, can you go? I wanna be alone with Luke," Cierra said, "Pleeasssee."

"Uh, I don't know if that's a good idea," Vicky said. She turned to Luke. "No offense, she's just drunk and angry at you." She paused. "And kinda offense, I don't know if I trust you right now."

"I trust him!" Cierra said. "Mostly."

"You can trust me," Luke said softly to Vicky. "I'll just talk to her and put her to bed, and then I'll leave. I promise."

Vicky let out a sigh and nodded. "Okay, fine," She walked over and pushed her finger into Luke's chest. "You call me if anything happens. Anything. And tell me when she goes to sleep. You better not let me down for trusting you." She wasn't messing around, which Luke understood. She definitely wasn't happy with Luke now, either.

"Will do," Luke replied. "Thanks for trusting me."

Vicky nodded at him, said a quick goodbye to Cierra, and went down the stairs. Luke walked over to Cierra, pulling her desk chair over and sitting down in front of her. "Hi Luke Hemmings," She said, moving her head closer to him so it was almost falling off the bed. "I'm drunk."

"So I heard," Luke laughed. "What did you drink?"

"What didn't I drink?" Cierra said. "I took shots. I drank punch. Well, I didn't drink any beer because beer is still disgusting."

"Still hating on beer," Luke replied. "You've never going to change."

"Never," Cierra said. "And you're stuck with me."

"I am?" Luke questioned. Maybe he shouldn't get his hopes up because she was drunk. But it sounded promising like she wasn't going to leave him for his mistakes.

Cierra just looked at him for a second, then she replied. "Yeah, you are," She said. "Once I get the image of you fucking another girl out of my mind."

Luke closed his eyes and let out a sigh. He knew this was coming at some point, but he didn't expect it to be so quick into their conversation. "Is that why you're drunk?" Luke asked, even though he knew the answer.

Cierra nodded. "I was worried I would see you at the party tonight with some other girl. So I just kept drinking. And when I could convince myself that you weren't going to be there, I would picture you at some other party doing the same thing."

"There are no other girls anymore," Luke said quietly. "It's only you. I only want to be with you."

"I know that," Cierra responded. "But it doesn't make it hurt less." She looked like she might cry.

Luke didn't know what to say other than sorry. So he said sorry. "I'm sorry. I need you to know how sorry I am."

Cierra continued to look at him, her hair hanging off the bed. Her mascara and eye shadow was smudged. "I don't understand how you could do that to me when you love me."

Luke was taken aback. Had she said what he thought she just said? He couldn't tell if it was just drunken rambling or if she somehow actually knew he loved her.

"What?" Luke said.

Cierra didn't respond to his question. Her eyes were closed now. "The room...is spinning."

"Are you okay?" Luke asked.

Cierra gave a mumble that sounded like she said yes. But Luke knew better than to believe her. "Let's go to the bathroom," Luke said, standing up.

He held Cierra's hand while she stumbled down the hall into the bathroom. As soon as the toilet was in sight she was puking, which was exactly what Luke was expecting. He had dealt with his drunk friends enough to know the signs of an about-to-puke person.

Luke held her hair back as she puked and kept thinking about what Cierra had said. How the hell did she know Luke loved her? Had he made it obvious?

He remembered that he almost slipped up that day in the kitchen before Cierra found out what he had done. But he didn't think she even noticed.

Or maybe it was just all the alcohol telling Cierra that Luke loved her. He had no idea what to believe.

Luke got Cierra cleaned up after she was done throwing up. He tried his hardest to get the makeup off her face with a wipe she gave him. He splashed some water on her face, which just ended up in giggling and splashing some back on him. He got Cierra to brush her teeth, which could have ended badly, but thankfully she had puked everything up already.

In her room, Luke grabbed some pajamas from her drawer and turned around as she changed. She got back into bed when she was changed, and Luke sat back down in her desk chair. "Stay," Cierra whispered, brushing her finger down his forearm. He shivered.

"I told Vick I'd put you to bed and leave," Luke said.

"I don't care," Cierra said. "I want you to stay."

"You're gonna regret that in the morning," Luke responded.

"What if I don't?" Cierra asked.

"But what if you do?" Luke raised his eyebrows. She laughed.

"What if I die in my sleep and you're not here to save me? What then?"

"Hm. Good point," Luke said.

"I bet Vicky would be really mad then."

"Cierra..." Luke said, knowing he shouldn't stay. Because tomorrow morning would come and Cierra would be in her right mind again and she wouldn't want him to stay. She wouldn't want him at all.

"Stay," Cierra repeated.

Luke sighed. He could never win with Cierra, and especially not with drunk Cierra, so he decided to give in. "Fine," He said. To see Cierra's smile when he said that was all worth it. He would stay until she fell asleep and then go home. Because he didn't want to be here in the morning when she woke up and realized she had made a mistake by asking him to stay. Hell, by asking him to come over in the first place.

He got into bed with her and stayed as far away as he could. It felt like the first time they had a sleepover when they weren't sure if they could touch or not.

"Calum told me you told him you missed me," Cierra said.

Luke thought back to his call with Calum earlier that day. It felt like a lifetime ago now. "I do miss you," Luke said.

Cierra's eyes looked misty, and Luke wasn't sure if it was because she had just thrown up for 20 minutes or because she was crying.

"You okay?" Luke asked, just to make sure.

Cierra gave a small laugh and wiped her eyes. "I just wish... we didn't have all these problems. That we could just be normal."

"But we're Luke and Cierra," Luke replied. He smiled. "We're never going to be normal."

It didn't take long for Cierra to pass out. Luke made sure to put a big glass of water and some Advil next to her bedside. He wrote her a note, too. "Call me when you're not hungover anymore. Or don't. But maybe we can make things normal. As normal as they get for us. -L"

x x x x x

When Cierra woke up the next day, she had never felt more horrible in her life.

She found some water and Advil on her nightstand, which she immediately took and then went right back to sleep. When she woke up a second time, it was around noon and she felt slightly better. She still had a raging headache, but she didn't feel like she was going to yak anymore.

Cierra read the note on her bedside over and over again. She remembered Luke coming over, but only parts of it. She didn't really remember what he was referring to about them making things normal. But she did want things to go back to normal. She didn't want to drink her sorrows away anymore and feel awful like this. She wanted to forgive Luke.

There had to be a reason that drunk Cierra wanted to see Luke so bad. There was no separating herself from Luke. She didn't want to. Where there was Cierra, there was Luke, and that wouldn't ever change. So it was time to make things right.

She called him. He answered right away. "Cierra!" He basically yelled.

"Ouch," Cierra said. "Headache."

"Shit, right," Luke laughed. "How do you feel?"

"Been better," Cierra replied. "How drunk was I?"

Luke chuckled. "Enough to puke for like 20 minutes."

"Agh. That was one of the things I forgot. Sorry."

"What do you remember?" Luke asked.

"That you were here," Cierra said. "That's enough for me. Thanks for coming."

"It was no problem, really. It's my job to take care of you...I think."

Cierra chewed on her bottom lip and looked at her feet. "What you said in your note... about us being normal again. Or normal-ish. Do you want to talk later?"

"I'd love to talk, but we don't have to," Luke said. "Just because I came last night doesn't make what I did to you right. You're allowed to still be mad at me."

"I don't want to be mad anymore, Luke," Cierra said. "I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of being away from you. All of those things led to me getting drunk and now I feel terrible and...I don't want that. I want whatever our normal is. Even if it's crazy and will never be normal. I want you."

"Coming over," Luke said quickly, "Let's talk. See you in 20."

x x x x x

this chapter is a mess and it took me forever and a day it's fine I'm fine