Ammarah's POV

It will be okay- Shawn Mendes

I looked at the set of people that are now looking at me, all wide eyed. Some clutching their hands and some blinking away tears.

Even I know I'm crying. Rayyan's health was the most sensitive part of my life. I don't talk about it often, I don't even say it at all. It's better that it is kept away.

But standing here and talking to them, talking to people who understand was liberating. They know it, they understood it perfectly.

Not having cancer, but loving someone who does.

That's a topic that is never broached on after all. Everybody hurts for the person with cancer, the one that survived it and the one that didn't. Yet no one asked who loved them? Who adored them? Where are they? How are they coping? How did it feel like? To watch someone you love leave? To see the person you love fade piece by piece? How painful must it have been? How?

I took a deep breathe and said "Loving Rayyan was the most beautiful thing I've ever come to experience. Rayyan at the hospital will always say he came into my life, made me love him and now he will leave. He hated himself for it"

I looked at the faces that look back at me "But do you remove your hand because your finger hurts you? Do you stop breathing because you have flu? I don't even know what words to use in describing it but I know you know. Every one seated here knows how much worth it— it is to love them. To stick by them and be there for them, it must have meant something. It must have been worth something"

Someone handed me a tissue and I thanked them then dabbed at my eyes "Through the storm and chaos of everything, I didn't really see the whole thing. We were living moment by moment. If we get through a moment either good or bad, we live in it and await the other. But now looking back, it is a whole story on its own. Before him, meeting him and loving him. And I swear, even for a split second I won't change it for anything. I won't change a single thing about my relationship with Rayyan.

It was perfect for me, it was perfect for us. With all its scars and the wounds we've bandaged. Like Rayyan said, if you love someone for the sake of Allah, Allah makes it easy for you to love them. There are moments that will be hard but loving them won't.

I now know how much love I have in me. I see it in everything and everyone. I fall in love with the trees, the stars, flowers, sunset, the moon, the birds, smell of incense. When I use to hate my life and the family I was in, now I love them ever so fiercely.

I have moments where life holds me and tries to drown me. Where days are like gloomy clouds that moves heavily. I have them, I have bad moments.

But on the good days, boy do I live!

On the good moments, I embrace them wholeheartedly. I create and schedule joy pleasantly. I do things full of love for myself and my family. I let laugher echo and peace run through the walls of our home. It is a whole journey of being grateful and appreciating the life and moment Allah has given us.

It is a whole journey"

I finished my speech before realizing i may have been talking for too long and spewing things I shouldn't have. But the instant the thought came in, it went back because I felt good. It felt good saying all those things. It felt immensely good.

The crowd stood up and clapped and I walked down the stage then went straight to my chair. The woman next to me leaned in and smiled then said "I am also living"

I leaned back into my seat and watched as the next person came on stage to tell their own story.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
I walked into my home with a quiet "Assalamu alaikum". Closed the door, kept my bag and sat on the couch resting my head.

The calm Quranic recitation of Abdulrahman Mossad washed over me in a peaceful embrace and I gently close my eyes.

Minutes later, I heard the sound of footsteps and a loud "Maaama"

I abruptly opened my eyes and saw Hanan who wriggled out of her nanny's hand. She glanced at the speaker where the recitation is coming and quickly placed a hand on her mouth before mounting "sorry" and then rushing to come to me.

"Hello Maama" she said hopping on my laps. I sat upright and lifted her. For a five year old, she really is a big girl.

I nodded at her nanny with a smile and she left. Hanan grabbed my face and I looked down at her.

"Hy hanani. How was school? " I asked smiling down at her

"School was fine. I played with Amina today and Maryam said her brother is a rock star" She turned to me with a serious face "Maama what's a rock star?

I laughed and pinched her cheeks "Someone who sings a certain type of song"

She furrowed her brows "What type of song?

I sighed "well you know all those songs with the stage and- let me show you a picture"

I grabbed my phone from my bag to show her when she quickly tugged at my arm.

"I'm coming hanani. Let me google the picture"

"Maama. What happened at office today? Hanan asked grabbing my arm

I dropped the phone and looked at her "I didn't go to the office. I went to a meeting"

"What meeting?

"The meeting Maama told you about—

"Daaaadyyyyy" Hanan shouted getting off my phone and running to the door.

I heard the door close, a laughter and then hanan squealing in sheer happiness as she always does when he's home.

I turned to look at them as hanan grabbed something in his hand and rushed to her room.

"What did you give her? I asked when she left

Rayyan kept his bag, removed his shoes and sat next to me then said "A small book"

"I see"

"How was the meeting? He asked and I placed my head on his shoulder

"It was...emotional. I cried so hard"

"Babe" Rayyan said with a laughter "Why did you cry"

"Because talking about what we went through always make me extremely emotional. And today, I finally talked with people who understood what it feels like to watch your loved one have cancer"

Rayyan wrapped his arm around me and placed his head on mine "I know babe. When you feel the need to cry, do it"

I raised my head and stared at him "Do you think we should do it? Start our own cancer awareness organization?

He laughed "Well you did attend an open space on cancer awareness today to see how it works and I already bought a place so"

"No I mean do you think we can run it smoothly?

Rayyan smiled and grabbed my hands "No we can't. Life itself isn't smooth. But we'll run every phase together, one day after the other. Allah has fought many battles for us, we've won at many things already"

I nodded and said softly "I love you"

He grabbed my face, looked into my eyes and said "I love you, beyond what I can love myself for"

He stood up and grabbed his bag "Let me pray then we leave for siddiqah's birthday. Binta has been calling"

"Okay. I'll get Hanan ready"

"Nop" Rayyan said popping the "p"  "My turn"

I shrugged and leaned back into my seat as I grabbed my phone and called my mom.

My mom ranted about Salim's eldest son who's at her place for weaning. She claimed he keeps destroying her fancy decorations. I ended the call after promising my dad Hanan and I will also be coming for holidays after their speech and prize giving day.

I called my foster mom next, we caught up on her growing business and how she's hating traveling again and will like to stay in one place. Next was rahma. We talked simultaneously while she shouted at her twins and as always, I had a good laugh and ended the call on a happy note.

After I finished my calls, I watched as Rayyan picked up Hanan then went into her room to change her clothes.

Here he is, the man that was once in his death bed with so little hope for life. Five years later, he has fought cancer, healthy as ever and holding his own child. What favors of Allah would I deny?

I stared at the television that is on, silence filled the room as the recitation of Abdulrahman mossad stopped. I closed my eyes again and started drifting off when hanan grabbed my clothes and hosted herself on my lap.

Minutes later, she was peeled off me and I heard Rayyan say "Come on babe, go and get ready. We'll wait for you"

I opened my eyes and saw both of them looking down at me with so much love. The sun shone on their face and it glistens with softness and an almost exact feature.

My heart squeezed so hard and I could swear love had never felt this raw and unfiltered.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^