Dandelions- Ruth B

Forgive me, Ammarah.

I absolutely have no words and no eyes to face you after all I've did. The day I watch you walk into the hospital room and saw a war raging in your eyes; choice between walking in to sit next to me or stand at the door like a stranger, because that's what you basically see me as, a stranger. I realized my days of nonchalance attitude and how it has affected you. I was sorry for my actions but knew there were far too many things to be sorry for. So I am writing you this letter, hopefully when you finish it, you forgive me.

I knew I have failed Ammarah, I have failed you, myself and your parent. I've failed the oath I took silently to myself when I saw your father holding your wailing mother. I have failed the hearts that nurtured you, hearts that loved you and still align your pictures on their hallway. Hearts that mourn you, cry for you and pray for you.

I have failed myself and my selfish actions. Hanifa and I, have failed woefully at even the drastic measure we took to feed our ego. Perhaps if we have accepted the facts, perhaps if we have opened our mouth, perhaps if we stayed in Nigeria a little bit longer, perhaps if we never travelled that particular day, perhaps if I had called your father at that particular time, perhaps...perhaps...perhaps.

I wouldn't want to bore you so I'll redirect you to your mother although I doubt you'll be seeing her as one since you reach this place. Forgive me my daughter, I tried and I failed. It is human to fail but it is heartless to fail selfishly.

I love you my darling. I always have, maybe a little less than them. But I do!

I raised my eyes from the letter and looked directly at the wall in front of me. Not my parent? They are not my parent?

I chucked the paper in my hand and rushed downstairs almost falling along the stairs. My feet rushed me pass every piece of furniture until I was standing right at the head of my mother. She looked up at me and then back to the television. Doctor Yahya and my uncles have left, she was the only one seated.

"I told you not to stand on my head Ammarah"

Fuming with anger, I replied "Ohh I'm sorry Mom, I was busy trying to take in the fact that you really didn't bore me"

She sharply turned to look at me"What nonsense is that?

I waved the paper at her face and watched as her eyes widen

"Is...is that?

I nodded "What dad left me. A letter, confirming what I just said"

She quickly snatched the letter from my hand and started aggressively reading it. After a few minutes, she looked up.

"I don't know what he's saying in this letter. Might be his illness--

"Don't! Don't! I interrupted her with a glare

"I told you I know nothing about this Ammarah"

I breathed deeply "Are you my mother or are you not?

We maintained eye contact for a few minutes before she sighed "How would that make a difference? When i raised you?

I laughed humorlessly "Of course that would make a difference! That would make a huge difference. You robbed me the love and warmth of a mother. One that you wouldn't give me and wouldn't let my own mother give me"

"Ammarah don't—

"You have no right to stop me! I bellowed "How could you? How could you be this heartless? What have my parent or I done to make you do this?

She rolled her eyes "We didn't do this to hurt you or your parent"

I raised a brow

"Well not intentionally" She reached for my hands and I stepped back "Ammarah we mean good and our actions were totally selfless"

"Selfless? I harshly asked "Alright then. Tell me who my parent are"

She kept quiet

I laughed in a shocked tone "You're seriously not going to keep quiet about this are you?

"I refuse to say anything beyond the letter your father has written Ammarah. I want you to put all of this behind you and continue living"

"You think the life I'm living here is worth not finding my parent? What sort of happiness are you giving me?

She was quiet and then spoke in a small tone "I'm not saying anything Ammarah. I'm not"

I gulped down the tears that chocked at my throat "It's okay. Don't"

She looked at me questioningly as I stepped closer to her

"But I swear to you that I'll find my parent and I'll leave this hell shell of a home"

She didn't say anything and instead watch me as I ran up to my room. I prayed Ishaa, lay on the bed and watched the dark room as so many thoughts swirl around me.

My head was a jumble of thoughts, my heart contrast so hard it hurts. Tears slips down my eyes even when I didn't intend them to. Hurt laces and slices my soul in tiny pieces that will take forever to patch back.

I grabbed the pillow, hugged it to my body and imagine what my parent are. My father or foster father per say mentioned how my pictures are lined in their hall way.

Does that mean they still care and misses me? Do they even know I'm alive and out here? If yes why didn't they search for me? Why didn't they find me?

Why didn't they come for me?

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The next day, instead of leaving to school, I skipped the classes and directly went to the market. It was a different scenario when I arrived as the vendors were just opening up their shops and setting up their tents. An uneasy feeling settled on me when I realized Rayyan might not have opened.

Yet that feeling attenuated when I spotted his red beanie. Someone beside him gently touched him and he turned to look at me from across the alley. I watched as his softened and a smiled tug on his face. We walked towards each other until we were at the middle of the market and then he frowned

"You cried?

I laughed and shook my head "No i didn't"

He furrowed his brows and studied my face "Of course you cried!

I smiled and nodded "But it was yesterday, before I slept"

"What happened? He inquired gently

I took a deep breath "My parent are not my real parent"

He tilted his head to the other side

"They are not my birth parents"

He looked around the market and then back at me "Want to go somewhere"

Without hesitation, without a doubt I nodded and we walked out of the market and hailed a taxi.

"Where are we going?

"My sister's house"

"Your sister is married here? I asked

He nodded "My boss, the man who gave me the spice shop is her husband"

"Ohh wow. He's rich then?

He smiled looking at me "He's well doing. He own fifty shops in this market"

I looked at him wide eyed and said "Are there anymore of your siblings doing almajiranci?

He shook his head "It was only the three of us sent. Five year into it, this man met my sister and when he knew what we were doing, he took us in. Gave everyone what they requested"

"You requested education?

He nodded "He enrolled me and when I was done with no job, he gave me a shop to handle"

"Your other brothers are here?

"Is this an interview Ammarah? He laughed as I stilled hearing how my name rolls out of his tongue

I love the way he says my name. With so much softness and passion, exquisitely.

"I'm sorry" I smiled

"It's okay. I'll tell you all you need to know. My brothers are not here, one now managed a petroleum station while the other has four provision stores. So basically I'm the one not doing so well"

"Are you kidding me! Your talent is out of this world Rayyan"

"Well the talent doesn't pay the bills Ammarah"

I looked up quickly "what if they do?

"Hunh?

"What if you sell your paintings to art studios and one day even open yours. Arts are very expensive and of great value. You'll be a millionaire in a day I swear"

He laughs "That would be great but just like a white collar job, you have to have a connection and I don't have that"

"What of your sister's husband?

He quickly shook his head "He has done so much for me already. If not for him, I would have been just an illiterate market sales boy. I wouldn't want to stress him or make him think I'm not serious with my life"

"By selling art? I asked disbelievingly

"Yes Ammarah. That's what our people believe"

The car stopped to a halt and he stepped out, giving the taxi his fare. I opened the door and walked out before coming face to face with a literal mansion.

"Wow" I breathed out

"You like it?

I nodded "You live here?

He nodded and together we walked to the huge gate.

As he walk ahead of me and I fall behind his steps watching him, I realized just how intrigued I am with this man.

He is different, very very different.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^