Angst, sucidial thoughts, triggering events.

Hiding in the far back I stood with my hood pulled over my head. I had watched as they lowered his casket six feet under. Watching them cry made my heartbeat rapidly increase. I clenched my fist hard enough to poke holes into my skin causing blood to seep through. But that didn't face me, all I could think of was the undying urge to punch them, one by one. I wanted them to hurt, just the way they had made my Beomgyu hurt. They had no right to stand here crying over someone they had tormented every day, someone they had driven to the edge, someone who was dead because of them. No one did anything to stop it, no one even tried helping him. But at that moment, they were all standing there allowing crocodile tears to fall.

Beomgyu's mom was in the front. She was being held by her boyfriend Henry. Her body was shaking, her breath went unsteady due to the tears flooding her dark brown eyes. The same dark brown eyes Beomgyu had, the eyes I could get lost in for hours. He always had that effect on me. Whenever our eyes met I felt my heartbeat rapidly increase. Whenever he smiled every bad thought, every ghost from my past would disappear. I had spent all my hours with him, making sure he was never alone. Up until the very last moment. Afraid that if I left him alone I wouldn't have someone to come back to. I knew all his favorite films and songs by heart, knew exactly what made him smile and what made him upset.

Beomgyu disliked when people didn't pay attention to him. He had always been like that, ever since we were kids. When I was studying for my 8th grade finals Beomgyu had come over to my house. He started talking about something that had happened during class. I didn't pay much attention to him and studied instead, reading and taking notes. I would nod and hum every now and then, but he quickly noticed I wasn't listening. He became quiet and I repeatedly asked him what was wrong. Beomgyu didn't answer me, he just pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. The way his brown curls fell into his eyes made him look so sweet, innocent and beyond all pretty. I rarely received the silent treatment from Beomgyu, but when I did, I wouldn't last more than 5 minutes. I dropped my book and sat next to him, engulfing him into a hug and apologizing for not paying attention. Another thing to mention when talking about Beomgyu, he wouldn't be mad for long. His pout turned into a smile and his eyes softened before he continued telling me about what happened during class. While he was speaking all I could think of was how pretty he looked right then and there. I don't know if he ever noticed the way I looked at him, or how my heart would flutter when he said my name in his sweet honey-like voice.

We weren't perfect, don't get me wrong we would fight sometimes like all friends did. We'd argue over things like who should clean up after we played games, or who should get the last candy. But we also had bigger arguments. During one of those arguments Beomgyu didn't speak to me or even acknowledge my existence for over a day. Those arguments hurt the most, being away from him was not living. It was like trying to breath underwater, I slowly suffocated from the silence built between us. But no matter how bad the argument was, we would always make up. Always. Whenever we did argue I was never actually afraid I'd lose him. Because I knew we would always make up and be the same like we had been before. The thought of losing him never occurred to me. Beomgyu and I would be together forever, right?

When I had found him lying there, lifeless, bloody, on the floor I had first thought it was one of his stupid pranks. He would always pull pranks on me and even teachers, such as pouring salt into the sugar container, making stink bombs and throwing them into Mr. Brody's class. Beomgyu was a frequent visitor at detention because of this. And Mr. Brody wasn't very fond of Beomgyu either.

As I watched him lying there I prayed to God, prayed he had improved his pranking skills. In disbelief I ran up to him to check his pulse. My body was shaking and it was hard to focus on the task, all I could hear was my heart beating loudly in my chest. I put my hand on his neck, he was paler than usual and cold as ice. I pressed a bit harder in search of a heartbeat. Nothing, dead silent, all I heard was my own breathing and the beginning of sniffles. I went to grab his hand, but before I could grab it I saw the knife placed in his hand. The knife was bloody and that's when it hit me. I removed the knife from his hand and placed it on the ground next to me. I took both his hands and held them tightly in my own before I placed my forehead on his chest. The tears started welling up. My eyes hurt from the tears escaping my eyes. I screamed at the top of my lungs "Help!", but no one answered. After doing so for what felt like eternity. I finally dared to look up at his face. His eyes were closed, his skin was pale and covered in small stains of his own blood. Even dead he was the prettiest boy I had ever laid my eyes on. I tucked his hair behind his ear and rubbed my thumb over his left check. Then repeating the same thing for his right check. What I had done next was almost like pure instinct. I pulled him up slightly and planted a kiss on his forehead. "I love you, always. Okay?", I said before picking up my phone to call his mom.

Beomgyu's mom broke down in tears on the other line, she hurried back home and the ambulance arrived slightly after her. When they carried his body into the ambulance it all felt so unreal

The rest of that day was like a blur. I barely remember anything. I don't think it's something I'd want to remember regardless. It's a day that will haunt me forever. When I came back home that day and laid onto my bed I pulled out the thing kept inside my pocket. It was a purple box. I opened it and it revealed the promise ring I had planned to give Beomgyu that day. Carved into it read "love you, always and forever". I had long known I loved him more than a friend but I didn't realize until the first day of freshmen yeat. I remember feeling a bit more nervous than the year before. Nothing had really changed, except Beomgyu wouldn't be with me that year. He was a year younger than me and that was never a problem until that day. All I could think about was him. When people approached me to become friends I'd reject them despite knowing that would result in being alone. I wasn't against the idea of friends, but no one would ever be Beomgyu. I came home that day and Beomgyu was waiting for me in the kitchen. His hair had its usual curly shape, his lips were glossed and his eyes were big and doe-like. So pretty, I had thought. He was indeed very pretty. I had always known that. I somehow found everything he did endearing. He could tease me –which he did a lot– and it would still be the cutest thing someone could do. "Are you daydreaming again?", he had said, snapping me out of my thoughts. My checks turned red and I shook my head denying his assumption. "I know you're lying Yeonjun, come on just tell me already! Is it about someone? Someone you.. like?", he had begun shaking my arm while speaking enthusiastically. I had just shook my head and laughed at the boy infront of me back then. But inside all I wanted to do was tell him "you, I was thinking about you". But of course I didn't have the guts to tell him that back then.

I remember thinking after he left what a fool I was for thinking such thoughts. He was my best friend after all, one shouldn't think of their friend is such ways. But something about those feelings has felt so right. Like it had always been that way. Now that I think back to it I do think it had always been that way. And it remained that way until I took my very last breath. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The funeral concluded with a few speeches. The school counselor was present, she was explaining how important it is to stop bullying. It all felt ridiculous, no one here except me and Beomgyu's mom actually cared. His death was being used as a reinforcement for the school's anti bullying campaign. The teachers who would watch him being torn apart until there was nothing left but the burning pain within him, wore their sad faces for the time being. I knew they would be back to their jolly and annoying selfs on Monday morning. My fists clenched even harder nowand it started to sting. But that didn't stop me, the anger building up inside me was far more powerful than the physical pain from my hands. As soon as it was over everyone gathered their belongings and left. The graveyard was almost empty. I hesitated before walking up to his grave. Just seeing his name engraved in the stone made a lump form in my throat. The tears that I had been holding inside since the beginning of the event welled out all at once. It hadn't rained for over two weeks but his gravestone was pricked with small water drops. My teardrops. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to let go of the pain I had kept inside ever since that day I had found him, the love of my life, dead. The tears wouldn't stop.

After going on like that for over 15 minutes I dared to open my eyes. I opened my mouth to speak. But no sound came out. I attempted again and now my voice cooperated. "I'm sorry", the tears continued but I tried silencing them to continue. "I'm sorry that I didn't know. I'm sorry that I didn't help you. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you..." almost choking on my own words from exhaustion I stopped to breathe for a second. "I never got to tell you, before you left me. I love you, Beomgyu. I know we say this a lot. But I really do. I love you. So much." I paused for a second. "And I think that you love me too, right?". When I didn't receive an answer I continued.

"Promise me Beomgyu, promise me that you'll find me again in the afterlife. Promise me that we will be together again. Promise me that this isn't the end".

As expected I received no answer. This frustrated me causing more tears to flow. My voice grew louder each word I spoke.

"Please Beomgyu, just promise me. Please!".

I went on like that for a few minutes before my voice started to weaken.

-

I walked the corridors Monday morning, usually I didn't receive much attention. But that day everyone's eyes were focused on me. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I kept thinking of things I would say to Beomgyu. Like he was still there. I even walked to his locker like nothing had happened, like he'd be there with me, putting his things inside his locker while telling me something that interested him. But I just stood there staring at his locker. It was filled with notes from students. Claiming they were sorry like they weren't aware. But they're all a bunch of liars. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and headed torwards the bathrooms. I entered a stall and immediately began throwing up. It felt good to let out my emotions in another way than crying. It also hurt a bit and the aftertaste wasn't pleasant. I knew that's what I deserved. For not saving him, for letting him go. For being so oblivious. How could I not have noticed. Noticed the way his smile would wipe away the second his eyes landed on his classmates, the way he would purposely walk faster when we met people from our school in places like the mall, the bruises and scratches on his skin. I did ask him about those, but he always got defensive and said he hurt himself while practicing a new choreography. I didn't believe it, but a part of me didn't want to think anything else so I just nodded.

When lunch came around I decided to go back home. I rarely skipped lessons, but I just couldn't bear it. Everyone telling me they were "sorry for my loss". It was all too much.

As I walked home I came to remember the day when Beomgyu had finally started attending my school. We were so excited to finally be in the same school, so we decided to skip our last period together. We went to this abandoned playground a few miles away from our school. It had been deemed too dangerous to be used by the children so it had been closed down a few years ago, but the municipality was too worked up with different issues so they never demolished it. Beomgyu sat down on one of the swings. Something was on his mind, I could tell that. Before I got to ask him about it he spoke.

"Yeonjun"

I looked at him, he was avoiding eye contact which made it easy to tell he was embarrassed about whatever he wanted to say.

"Yes, what's up?" I answered him.

He took a deep breath before he continued.

"Can you.." he paused looking at me for a split second before shooting his gaze to his feet.

"Can you.. I mean.. uhm. Can you kiss me?" He finally said and I looked at him with surprise filling my eyes.

"Why?", I questioned not because I was against the idea, but because a part of me hoped he would confess to me.

He looked embarrassed and his checks reddened.

"Uhm nevermind sorry forget I ever said-", before he could finish the sentence I was already standing infront of him. I placed my finger on his chin and tilted his face so he would look at me. His eyes were big and his lips were glossy and looked so kissable.

"Pretty" I whispered, just loud enough for only him to hear. His checks turned even redder. Before he had a chance to reply I connected our lips. The kiss was short, sweet and innocent. Afterwards he smiled brighter than he ever had before. I'll never forget that smile. It was as if his whole world had been lit up. It was even more beautiful because I knew I was the reason behind his smile.

As I was walking alone to the playground, it suddenly felt like an unknown place. Every memory of the place felt like a hazy dream. Every time I closed my eyes he was right there, but as I reached for him he disappeared again. And I was left alone again. The last time I ever saw him alive was at this exact park.

Beomgyu was sitting on the same swing he had the day we had shared our first kiss. He had been touchier than usual that day. Before he had left he hugged me for over a minute and then just like that he had left. He had went home that day all alone walking towards his own death.

I left the park to walk towards the apartment complex Beomgyu had lived in. I knew where I had to go and I was in a hurry to do so. When I entered the complex I was met by his mom. She looked like a mess, her hair hadn't been brushed for over a week and her eyes had dark circles under them. She gave me a soft smile and grabbed my arm.

"Yeonjun, I found this. Beomgyu wanted you to read this", she picked an envelope out of her pocket with the words "to Yeonjun" written on it. I accepted the letter and smiled before walking to the elevator. Once I had reached the rooftop I opened the letter.

I sat down on the floor and began reading.

Dear Yeonjun.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not fighting harder. The pain was too much, I'm sorry. I wanted you to know you always were good to me. You treated me like no one else, you made me feel special. When I felt useless, like I was nothing. I always knew that to you I was someone. Someone special. It all sounds a bit silly now but I think I always liked you. In a way I think I even loved you. You were everything to me, and as I take my last breath I'll think of you. When you've grown old and you're soon to join me, I'll be here, waiting for you. Please don't let yourself be dragged down with me. Because I want to hear all about your life when I see you again. I want you to have a life, the life I didn't get to have. I want to feel happy taking my last breath knowing you will have a great life. I know it's selfish of me to leave you like this. If my heart only could, I would stay. Please Yeonjun, don't ever blame yourself for this. You if anyone loved me just the right way. And Yeonjun I love you. And I'll love you when we meet again.

- Beomgyu.

The tears welled up in my eyes. I closed them and hugged the letter closely to my chest. Knowing he had laid his fingertips on the same paper comforted me a tiny bit, but also hurt. It hurts knowing that is the closest I'll get to him.

I wiped my tears and stood up. I picked out the promise ring that never got to sit on his finger. The letter in one hand and the ring in the other. I began walking towards the edge. I for once in my life felt fearless, and I knew exactly what I was going to do. I knew Beomgyu would be disappointed, I knew this ain't what he wanted. But how. How could I continue my life without him?

The height didn't scare me the slightest. All I could see was Beomgyu in front of me. Waiting for me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I don't think love will ever be enough to describe what I felt for him. All I wanted was to see him again, to hear his voice again, to touch him again, to live again. Because living was not living without him. Before I allowed my feet to leave the edge I realized, loving him was never enough.

The end