by yjcry on ao3

WARNINGS: food disorders, emetophobia, angst warning

They waited to discard the bags until later that night when the other three members had gone to bed so as not to risk getting caught. As soon as the clock struck one at night, and Beomgyu had checked that their members were fast asleep, they made their way down the stairs, thankfully not meeting any neighbors either, and as they finally threw the bags in the garbage disposal, he could breathe again. Now he knew it was all gone and it would make it easier to make sure it never happened again.

As they made their way back inside the apartment complex, Yeonjun grabbed Beomgyu's upper arm and forced him back again.

"You can't tell anyone."

"I won't tell anyone if you never do it again. Deal?", there seemed to be an internal conflict goig on behind the sharp eyes, so Beomgyu repeated. "Deal?"

"Yes. Deal."

Bingo.

He bid his hyung farewell for the night, and despite barely being able to keep his eyes open, the first thing he did when he got into bed next to his sleeping boyfriend, was bring his search engine up and typing out what he wanted to know.

'how to help someone with an eating disorder'

His thumbs lingered over the spacebar but hesitated to make the search. Technically, Beomgyu had no idea if Yeonjun actually had an eating disorder, from his knowledge there had been no health evaluation to confirm it, and Beomgyu did not know for how long Yeonjun had been making himself sick. For all he knew, it could have been a one time occurrence, and the only thing making him doubt it was how defensive his friend got when he was confronted. It was the fact that there had not been any type of excuse from Yeonjun, he had gone straight for ushering Beomgyu out of the room angrily. No matter how Beomgyu twisted and turned, it was suspicious. He gently tapped the spacebar and went to the first option provided.

Beomgyu's eyes skimmed through the information, but what made him unsure was seeing a list of three different types of eating disorders where neither fit Yeonjun.

There was anorexia nervosa. According to the website, it was an eating disorder where the sufferer eats little to nothing. That was not Yeonjun, at least not right now. Sure, there had been times where he ate one meal a day during promotions but that was a diet he always came back from.

Next, there was bulimia nervosa. The text described that rather than eating nothing, it was when someone ate a lot in a short time and then threw up. It also did not fit Yeonjun. The older ate either normal sized or smaller meals these days, but he was still throwing up it seems.

The last one was binge eating disorder. What he gathered was that the sick person did as in bulimia and ate a lot of food in a short time but without getting rid of it. This was the least likely right now.

From his...experience, or his discovery more so, it was neither of the eating disorders, instead it seemed like a mixture of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa but there was no such option on the website. Did that mean Yeonjun did not have an eating disorder then? That was the only conclusion he could pull right now.

"Hyung?"

He dropped his phone when Taehyun started moving next to him.

"What are you doing awake?", he asked, leaning in to press a kiss to his groggy boyfriend's forehead.

"You were blinding me."

"Well, you're supposed to have your eyes closed when sleeping?"

Fingers pinched his side and had it not been for Taehyun's newfound tight grip on him, Beomgyu would have fallen off the bed and hit the floor.

"Smartass. What are you doing up?"

"Had some sleeping difficulties."

"Can I do something to help? Sing you to sleep?"

Beomgyu moved his phone from his chest to the bedside table and shuffled down in his bed to align his face with Taehyun's, hugging the blanket closer around himself as he shook his head.

"Spare your voice. Stay the night, though?"

"...Did I imply I'd be leaving?"

Beomgyu felt a smile grow on his lips, and he once again leaned forward, this time aiming for Taehyun's lips. When he pulled back, he tilted his head down to rest against Taehyun's shoulder, closing his eyes and hoping sleep would come easy.

It hit him right then that he never found any solutions to the problem, just names of different disorders. It was fine. All he had to do was make sure Yeonjun did not throw up after eating. Yeonjun had promised not to do it anyway, so it should be fine. Or, so he thought.

1.

They were at a photoshoot, one of many they had before they left for the United States to attend the VMAs. Knowing they had more to come was exhausting, especially when they would go abroad in a few days, have a packed schedule in the US and then come back to Korea to do the final preparations for their comeback in mid-October. As soon as they were finished promoting their comeback, they would need to rehearse all performances for the award season. Knowing they did not have any extended amount of free time until at earliest in January was not exactly making working now easier, not when a time to rest was more than three months in the future. At least now it was just a photoshoot.

"Noona, can we wait with the makeup until after I've eaten? It's gonna be messy and need touch-ups..."

The corners of Beomgyu's lips twitched upwards as he watched their oldest member try to woo one of their stylists, and it seemed she was considering it. Despite claiming he hated aegyo with all of his being, Yeonjun could be actually cute and persuasive if he wanted to be.

"Okay.", she groaned. "Off you go, troublemaker. I'm expecting you here in 30 minutes."

"You're the best, noona!"

The grou's oldest member was patted on the head before skipping away, joining Soobin on the couch and accepting the spoon the leader reached out to feed him with. Soobin cooed in turn, and rewarded the older with a kiss. It was disgusting(ly sweet).

"Beomgyu-hyung, it's your turn!", Hueningkai told him, and with one final look at his friends, he left the changing room.

Beomgyu always enjoyed the modeling aspect of his job. Singing and dancing was what motivated him to start his training overall, but if he was being honest, most of the time his favorite part was either recording music videos, or attending a photoshoot. It did not even have to involve expensive brands or anything, it could be for the comeback concept photos or a shoot for a magazine interview. It did not matter, but being in front of a camera and hearing the people behind it gush over whatever he did fueled his confidence like no other. It made him feel appreciated, something his agency did not do quite as well.

"Very well, Beomgyu. You're a natural!", the photographer shouted from behind the camera. "Let's take a few more and then you're free until we do duo-trios and the full group."

Basking in the flashing lights for a few more moments, he had to admit it was nice to have it done so he could finally eat. Because of the photoshoot, he skipped out on breakfast just in case he would look bloated, and his stomach had started to make him very well aware of his earlier choices. He absolutely loved when his stomach decided to make noise in an otherwise quiet environment, it did not make him feel awkward at all. Not at all.

When he came back to the changing room, he sat down on the empty couch, right in front of the couch where Hueningkai was lying with his head in Taehyun's lap, the second maknae occupied with his phone in one hand and the other carding through Hueningkai's hair. The stylists would definitely not be happy about it but since no one had told Taehyun off yet, neither would Beomgyu. It was just hair, they could always fix it. He started gathering some side dishes into a bowl with rice, deciding to start small. There were still some shoots left after all. The changing room was quiet, the only sound being the music playing from where one of the makeup artists was currently working on Yeonjun finally, the oldest member being the last to have the solo-shoot as soon as Soobin came back.

"Is it good?"

His gaze fell back on his boyfriend who had yet to look up from his device.

"Yeah. I'm gonna miss in the US, the Korean food there doesn't hit the same."

"As expected."

"Snarky."

He got a chuckle out of Taehyun, the type he loved to hear, to feel, when he was leaning against Taehyun's chest since it rattled the entire frame of the younger.

"I'm not snarky."

"You if anyone is snarky, Tyun."

"No."

"Hueningie is the only one in this group who isn't.", Beomgyu pointed out, earning a hum and a nod.

"Can't argue with that. Maybe you should take notes."

"Shut up."

Before Taehyun could retort back with something, Beomgyu held out his chopsticks towards him, expecting a disgusted frown but to his surprise, the younger leaned forward and accepted it. It made Beomgyu smile. His boyfriend had been living at the gym lately and it made him worried, especially with how Taehyun had a tendency to work out so hard he had no energy to make himself something proper to eat afterwards. Beomgyu did not need the man of his dreams to be sick as well, that was the worst case scenario for him. Beomgyu would take a hundred scooters against his ankle if it meant Taehyun would stay healthy at all times.

"Do you have allergies, Yeonjun-ah?"

"No?"

"Your eyes are very red."

Hearing the quiet conversation between the makeup artist and Yeonjun had Beomgyu look up to see what she was referring to but it was hard to tell from the distance.

"No, I'm just not feeling great."

"Oh, that's unfortunate. You're going abroad soon, you have to be healthy!"

Any member falling sick right now would be a nightmare seeing their upcoming schedule for the rest of the year. If one member fell sick, there was a risk the rest would follow, and they would be screwed.

"Are you getting sick, hyung?"

Soobin asked from the door, a small pout on his lips as he beelined for the makeup station instead of sitting down at the couches again.

"I'm sure it's nothing.", Yeonjun mumbled, Soobin humming along.

"Yeah, I sure hope so."

As Soobin took a gently hold of Yeonjun's chin, turning his head and leaning down, Yeonjun turned his head away so that Soobin's lips hit his jaw instead.

"Hyung?"

"If I'm getting sick, it's better not to spread it, yeah?", Yeonjun said, reaching for something on the counter and throwing his head back to throw something in. Painkillers maybe?

"Hm, if you're sick, I'm pretty sure I already caught it too.", Soobin pointed out and Beomgyu could do nothing but agree. With the amount of kisses the two had shared that day, there was no way Soobin did not already have whatever Yeonjun had.

"I'm not comfortable with it."

Beomgyu could sense a full blown argument about to happen but before he could intervene, the makeup artist stepped up.

"Soobin-ah.", she said, Soobin taking the hint and taking a step back so she could better access Yeonjun's face again. "Let me just finish your lips so you can get the shoot done, Yeonjun-ah. Part them a little for me, please."

"I-I don't...Is my breath okay?"

"It's not an interview, Yeonjun-ah. It doesn't really matter. It's not like your fans can smell your breath through the camera anyway."

"S-so it's b-bad then?"

"It's strong. No wonder with all the mints you've been eating, it almost made my eyes water just now."

And suddenly, it all fell together for Beomgyu. Somehow, in the midst of their hectic day, Yeonjun had still found room for doing the one thing he promised not to do. Suddenly Beomgyu did not feel like finishing his bowl anymore.

He needed a plan to get Yeonjun by himself, but it turned out to be more difficult than expected. Even during the short break they had before they were going to do unit shoots, there was not a moment where he could ask Yeonjun to talk to him at a more remote area without gaining the attention of the others as well. So he ended up approaching the photographer instead.

"Hyungnim."

"What can I help you with?", the photographer asked, looking up from the laptop he had all pictures on, where he was picking out which ones to use and send to the magazine they were featured in.

"Can't we change the lineup? I think Yeonjun-hyung and I would be a good combo for this magazine.", he had no proof to back his claim so he needed to lie, and it was quick. "It's been very long since last time, I bet our fans would love that and spread the photos more."

The photographer stopped up for a second to think, not appearing to be completely against it. If it was for Beomgyu's poor attempt at dragging the fans into the mix, which technically was none of the photographer's concern anyway, or if he thought of something else, Beomgyu did not know.

"It's not a bad idea."

"I know right?"

"Hm. Okay. Let's try it out. Bring Yeonjun here for me, will you?"

"Hyung!", he called out when he entered the changing room again, two sets of eyes looking towards him. "Older hyung."

"What?", Yeonjun asked him.

"Photographer wants you. We're doing a unit shoot."

"Ehm, no, we're not? I'm with Hyuka, you're with Bin and Tyun."

"Change of plans.", Beomgyu shrugged. "Don't shoot the messenger."

"No, Yeonjunnie-hyung!", Hueningkai dramatically cried out. "It was supposed to be you and I against the world!"

"I'll think about you the entire time, darling.", Yeonjun blew a kiss towards the maknae, who tilted his head to the side as if accepting the flying kiss against his cheek.

"Have fun.", Soobin gave his boyfriend a shove with his elbow.

"Why are you trying to get rid of me?"

"I'm not."

Once again, as Soobin leaned in for a kiss, he was denied it, Yeonjun apparently preferring to stand up and leave. Not suspicious at all. The look of genuine hurt on Soobin's face watching Yeonjun walk away and out of the room was almost enough for Beomgyu to expose Yeonjun right then and there. Soobin did not deserve this treatment.

In all honesty, it was a long time since he did a shoot with only Yeonjun, and not as a full group, and had it not been for the reasoning behind his request to have their lineup changed, Beomgyu would have enjoyed it.

"Got something to tell me, hyung?"

He met Yeonjun's side glance, the older turning his body into another pose and looking back at the camera, Beomgyu doing the same.

"Why would I have something to tell you?"

So he wanted to play stupid? Alright, Beomgyu had to go right at it then.

"Where were you when I had my solo shoot?"

"Took a break?"

"Bet. Puke break?"

He was met with a frustrated sigh, and Beomgyu understood what the stylist meant with Yeonjun's breath. It was so minty fresh it sent tears to Beomgyu's eyes from how strong it was. That could not possibly feel good int he mouth either.

"Shut up."

"You promised."

"It's none of your business."

"Bring a hair tie next time. I'm pretty sure there are leftovers in your hair."

It was not true. Other than the clues Beomgyu had picked up in the last half hour, he would have never been able to tell Yeonjun had broken his promise. But Beomgyu was so angry over the situation, felt betrayed because he had genuinely thought his friend wanted to get better, only for said friend to go behind Beomgyu's back.

Yeonjun definitely took Beomgyu's comment to heart, immediately pushing Beomgyu away, hard enough that Beomgyu found himself tumbling to the floor where he watched as Yeonjun walked away with firm, angry steps.

"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?", the manager yelled, dashing forward and getting Beomgyu off the floor just in time for Yeonjun to leave the studio, ignoring the calls of his names.

"Sorry, Jisoo-sshi. I said something stupid, I'll go apologize."

The manager looked hesitant but let him go nonetheless.

"Hyung. Yeonjun-hyung, wait!"

He called after the older and upped his speed to catch up with him, taking a hold of his wrist only for it to be yanked out of his grip.

"Fucking leave me alone."

"Listen, I'm sorr-", he began apologizing but Yeonjun was having none of it.

"-Save it. I don't care. Leave me alone."

"I don't think it's fair you treat me like this when all I do is care about you."

"If you cared, you'd leave me the fuck alone! Seriously, whatever the fuck I do is none of your business!"

"Would you have accepted that as an answer when I was at my worst?"

It seemed Yeonjun had not expected Beomgyu to turn the situation around like this, but Beomgyu found it was not anything but fair. It was the truth after all.

When Beomgyu was at his worst with his depression, the members would never leave him to fend for himself. On days where he could not leave his bed, Yeonjun would make him food, and no matter how many times Beomgyu ended up not eating it from being way too mentally drained to even move his arms, Yeonjun never stopped cooking for him. Hueningkai would enter his bed every night and cuddle him to sleep, usually bringing his Switch with him and asking Beomgyu to play with him. If Beomgyu declined the offer, Hueningkai would still stick around and keep him company. Soobin, who hated going outside, would force him on walks almost daily, and would fight the company just to keep Beomgyu's schedule as clear as possible.

Then there was Taehyun. Taehyun kept Beomgyu up to date with everything, whether it was some drama within the group or another group they had contact with, or if it was something Beomgyu considered irrelevant, like another animal fact Taehyun learned watching his wildlife documentaries. Even if Beomgyu never responded or even thanked Taehyun for it, Taehyun was never discouraged. Taehyun would also bring Beomgyu to the bathroom and shove his head into a tub of water to wash his hair when it got so greasy he could style it without products. Taehyun would brush Beomgyu's teeth even when Beomgyu complained, his raspy voice asking Taehyun to leave him alone but doing nothing to push the younger away. Looking back now, Beomgyu could not believe how blind he had been, could not believe how he could not see his feelings towards the second maknae were in fact not unreciprocated. They got together shortly after, so all he could do was make up for lost time.

"It's not the same.", Yeonjun mumbled.

"It is exactly the same. I wasn't doing well, you were all there for me. You're not doing well, I'm here for you. The others would be too."

Just when he thought he got through to the older, Yeonjun shook his head and turned around again.

"Stop bothering me."

2.

Because of his anger about what happened, he head to keep a distance from Yeonjun for some time, only interacting with him whenever he was forced to do so, which of course had to be live in front of their fans.

They had arrived to the US and started practicing Back For More with Anitta after only practicing as five for the last month, but thankfully it was not as big of a change as he feared it would be. Two days before their performance, they had a live in Soobin's hotel room, and the topic of Yeonjun's hair was brought up by no other than Beomgyu himself.

It never failed to amaze Beomgyu how Yeonjun seemed to fit every color he tried, even the bright orange he had now. It had been a surprise though, he did not expect Yeonjun to even dare to dye it again, not after he lost so much hair earlier that year despite not having dyed it for a while when that happened, yet here he was.

"It doesn't fall out as much as you think, right?"

Beomgyu did not expect Soobin to ask that, Beomgyu was unsure if Soobin had even spoken to Yeonjun about the incident, but judging by the confirmative hum from Yeonjun, Beomgyu guessed they talked it out anyway. He would have to ask Soobin. Since Yeonjun was stressed about Beomgyu telling anyone about his problems, he assumed it included Soobin as well.

As soon as the phone they used for the live was turned off, they ended up having a late night meal together before they went their separate ways, most members heading towards their own rooms in hopes of getting more than six hours of sleep for the intense practice they had the day after but Beomgyu remained in Soobin's room.

"Is something wrong?", Soobin asked him as he was going through his luggage, throwing some clothing on the bed.

"You going somewhere?"

"Spending the night in hyung's room."

"Nasty."

"There's nothing 'nasty' about cuddling. Besides, we have an important performance in two days, you think we're willing to risk anything?"

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. It was not like he slept in his own room either, always going over to Taehyun.

"You got your boyfriend privileges back?"

Soobin sighed, clearly growing annoyed. The last few days, Yeonjun had been spending an awful lot of time with the group maknae instead. The first day they got to the US, the oldest and youngest apparently both slept in Hueningkai's room which left a sulky Soobin the following day. If he did not know better, Beomgyu would have thought there had been a bad fight between the other couple, but once Yeonjun slipped during their practice, all of Soobin's anger had been thrown out of the window and replaced with pure worry.

"I never lost it."

"Sure."

"I'm serious. There was just a miscommunication on our end, but it's solved now. We are usually on par with each other."

Taking his lower lip between his lips, Beomgyu wondered if he should bring up what he caught in Yeonjun's room shortly before they flew across the world, wondering if Soobin knew about the whole puking thing. But at the same time, if he did not, he promised Yeonjun not to tell anyone and even if Yeonjun himself already broke his side of the promise, it did not give Beomgyu a free pass to revenge that. He had to ease into it just in case.

"Were you on par with each other when he lost a bunch of hair too?"

Soobin's head peaked up from behind the bed.

"He told you about that?"

A frown grew between his brows. Yeonjun did not need to tell Beomgyu anything, Beomgyu was there.

"What?"

"When we had sex and I pulled his hair only to have my hand full of it?"

Okay, that was not what he expected to hear. Nor was it something he wanted to hear.

"Ew, keep the details to yourself."

"You started it! I just didn't expect Yeonjun-hyung to talk to you about it."

"Because he fucking didn't, what the hell do you think?", Beomgyu groaned. "Why would I talk about that with him?"

"Why do you think I was surprised?", Soobin defended. "What did you mean then?"

"Wait, when was that?", Beomgyu asked getting an incredulous look from Soobin.

"Respectfully, but I don't mark the date every single time we fuck, Gyu."

Beomgyu shook his head with a groan.

"Forget I asked. I meant when he had a full breakdown in the bathroom? He was showering and a lot of hair fell out when he was washing it? I don't know exactly when but it was earlier this year."

"Why are you in the bathroom when my boyfriend is showering?"

Beomgyu glared at the leader, seeing a small smile grow on Soobin's lips even if he tried to hide it and look angry.

"Because he was crying? Ugh, you're so annoying. Be thankful someone was there and helped him instead."

"I am. I just didn't know it happened."

A humorless chuckle left his lips.

"I think you two keep more secrets from each other than you think."

Soobin's eyes narrowed as he looked at Beomgyu.

"What does that mean?"

It was the perfect opportunity. They have snudged on the topic of Yeonjun losing his hair, which was in no doubt because of the crash diet he was on back then, Beomgyu had experienced that himself in the few times where he actually dieted, but never losing as much hair as Yeonjun had that day. On top of it, Beomgyu knew Soobin had noticed Yeonjun's recent rapid weight loss, there was no way he had not, but still Beomgyu felt hesitant. It sucked. This was his best friend. This was Soobin, one of the dearest people in his life who he told everything to, yet he could not tell Soobin about how Soobin's own boyfriend was suffering. It was pathetic.

"It's nothing, hyung. I just hope you talk a lot so we don't have to go through another divorce era."

Soobin shook his head with an eye roll.

"We talk plenty. There's nothing hyung doesn't tell me."

And like that, Beomgyu left the room feeling even worse than he had coming into the conversation.

3.

Their VMA performance went great. It was arguably one of his most nerve-racking performances of his career, and having a solo in the beginning only made the pressure even worse but they had done fantastic. Korean award show performances usually did not make him nervous anymore, and he thought it might be because ever since they debuted, the public had a split opinion on them. The first year was hell, and he experienced anxiety to levels he did not know was possible since they had a lot to prove being the second group coming out of BigHit after not just any group but BTS. BTS had built such a strong name for their agency, one that had not existed when Beomgyu began his training period and he never expected to have to live up to. What hurt the most was watching everyone criticize them for not delivering BTS-worthy performances, as if they were not rookies and not a 6 year established group. It had been rough, all the way until they were approached by the BTS members themselves and they expressed the utmost pride over TXT's performances. At first, he thought they were only saying their kind words to make their hoobaes feel less bad about being the public's new punching bag, but they had offered such encouraging advise with no ounce of superiority when they spoke. Yoongi had said the least amount of words of them all, yet they had impacted Beomgyu the most.

When Yeonjun had asked Yoongi why they were being so kind to them, Yoongi had simply stated that as a group from a small company with no previous group, they had no one to ask for advise, but with TXT, they had BTS before them, and as their senior, they felt a responsibility to care for their juniors. The words 'who would tell you these things if we do not?' rang in Beomgyu's head from time to time, and if there was ever a moment where he started depending more on his own opinion about their music and performances, it was that moment. Being the first group coming out of the company that started from the bottom and stood tall because of BTS, they would never win with the general public or other group's fanbases. In the eyes of the public, they would always be seen as a group of nothing but privileged, pretty boys with no talent. It did not matter how hard they worked to prove those statements wrong, so there was no reason to spend all energy thinking about it when they had better things to focus on.

American shows were still different though. In the US, there was not as much weight in the statement of being BTS' younger brothers, and instead the full opinion on the group depended on how they performed. The only thing that kept him from freaking out was the fact that they had been on other shows before, and even had not one but two Lollapalooza sets before they attended the VMAs. They had performed on other shows before and showed what they could do, so by now they could focus completely on the performance rather than proving their worth.

Their managers had booked a table at a less busy restaurant, somehow managing to find a place without a lot of people for the group's comfort, where they would not only have a celebratory dinner for the successful performance but also celebrate Yeonjun's birthday. They had been served fantastic food, and the managers even encouraged them to eat whatever they wanted and not care about any potential weight loss diets just for that night. It would be a day to remember, that was for sure. It was getting pretty late when the managers brought in a birthday cake, and Beomgyu had to admit, the managers really outdid themselves this time. Usually they got really pretty cakes for the livestreams, but they had a tendency to taste...not great, but this cake was chocolaty and rich, without being overbearing and it made Beomgyu consider asking management to start giving them boring looking but tasty cakes over pretty but bad-tasting cakes for their birthdays.

"It is so good! Have some, hyung.", Soobin said as he shoved his fork into Yeonjun's face.

Looking around the table, Beomgyu realized Yeonjun was the only member who had not tried it, even if it was his cake.

"It's fine, Binnie, I'm still full from dinner."

"Come on.", Soobin brought out a pout and a head tilt. "It's your birthday, hyung."

There was a moment of eye contact between the two before Yeonjun accepted the bite, earning himself a wide, toothy smile from Soobin.

"Good, isn't it?"

"M-mhm, really good."

To his surprise, their oldest member accepted several bites of the cake from Soobin while the conversation around the table kept up, apparently having reached a heated debate about which fast food place was superior.

"I'm just going to the bathroom.", Beomgyu heard Yeonjun tell Soobin, not waiting for an answer as he left the table, Soobin pushing his chair in slightly. Beomgyu waited for Taehyun to stop talking, to get his attention.

"Do you think there are multiple bathrooms here?", he asked his boyfriend who shrugged.

"Probably? Go check."

Beomgyu thanked the younger with a peck on the cheek and headed the same was as Yeonjun had, stepping inside the men's bathroom and seeing several stalls but only one pair of shoes, indicating no one else was around. For a second, he wondered if he misread the situation completely, but then he heard it. The gagging. The retching.

"Hyung.", he called out, only to be met with dry coughing. He assumed his presence would cause Yeonjun to stop and come out of the stall again as he was caught red-handed, but the next thing Beomgyu knew, there was more gagging, followed by splashing of the toilet water. "Hyung, fucking stop!"

"L-leave...", came a raspy response and Beomgyu had enough. He would break the stall door if he had to.

"If you don't come out right now, I'll go get Soobin."

"Beomgyu, just fucking leave!"

"No, you promised me!"

Beomgyu had not even realized he was tearing up until his voice cracked half-way through his exclamation. He blamed it on the rancid smell of stomach acid and everything Yeonjun had eaten that night, but deep down he knew it was the overwhelming realization that he could not help Yeonjun by himself that brought him to tears. Yeonjun refused to listen and would rather lie Beomgyu up in his face despite all of the years they spent together as close friends. Beomgyu was overworked, and he was tired. He could not stop himself from breaking down if he wanted to.

"Please leave..."

The fact that Yeonjun was also crying just made it worse. Why was Yeonjun crying when he was the problem? Yeonjun was the only one who could solve it, yet he was locked in a bathroom stall with his head in a toilet on his own fucking birthday, throwing up his birthday cake. If it upset Yeonjun so much, why did he not just stop? It made no sense to Beomgyu whatsoever.

"I just wanted to help you.", Beomgyu whispered but thanks to them being all alone in the big bathroom, his words still left a small echo.

He was not sure how much time had passed, but eventually there was a flush of the toilet and the stall unlocked, revealing the rough state of Yeonjun. If Beomgyu thought he, himself, looked beaten up after his crying spell, then he had no words to describe what Yeonjun looked like right now. His eyes were not only blood-shot but it seemed that actual blood vessels had burst with the red lines going from the pupil in one of his eyes. The rest of his face was in no better state, red and swollen. His shaky hands reached forward to wash off in the sink, splashing water in his face and rinsing his mouth. After seeing red splotches when Yeonjun spit, Beomgyu had to stabilize himself by holding onto the sink counter. That could not be good.

"You can't help me.", Yeonjun mumbled, taking some water into his mouth to rinse again.

"W-was that b-blood...?"

Yeonjun spit and walked right past him instead of answering, their shoulders knocking together painfully.

"I'm telling Soobin."

Yeonjun stopped dead in his tracks, hand hugging the door knob but having yet to twist it and open the door. His hand fell and he turned around to face Beomgyu again, arms crossed over his chest defensively.

"You're not. If you do, I'm telling Taehyun you cheated."

"That's not even true!"

"But what is he gonna believe when his distant boyfriend who is constantly running after someone else is accused of being a cheater?"

Beomgyu could not believe what he was hearing. Not only was Yeonjun refusing to stop hurting himself, but he was going to use Beomgyu's care against Beomgyu. After everything Beomgyu did to help him.

"You know what? I am so fucking tired of having to chase you around-"

"-When did I ever ask you to?! Tell me a time where I didn't tell you to leave me the fuck alone!"

"Can you get it through your thick skull that someone actually cares about you?!"

Having some kind of yelling battle in a public bathroom was obviously not ideal, but at least they were in a foreign country where the chances of someone else understand was smaller than usual.

"You don't get to say shit! You. Don't. Understand!"

"Then fucking talk to me! I've tried to get you to talk several times but apparently the only thing you're capable of is sticking your fingers in your throat! Fucking disgusting is what it is."

"Then let me be disgusting in peace."

"Hyung. Yeonjun-hyung!"

He was ignored and left alone in the bathroom, taking one quick look at himself in the mirror and cringing, before leaving, coming back to the table to see Yeonjun already seated next to Soobin with his head on the leader's shoulder, Soobin's arm around him while the leader talked to the manager in a shushed tone. Hueningkai to the other side of Yeonjun was in turn leaning his head against Yeonjun's shoulder, his hand rubbing circles on Yeonjun's stomach.

"What happened in the bathroom?", Taehyun asked Beomgyu when he returned to his seat, and Beomgyu shook his head, flinching back when Taehyun's finger wiped under his eye. "You both look like you've been crying. Hyung said he's having really bad stomach pains, are you too?"

"No, I just hate to see the people I love in pain, knowing there's nothing I can do."

He kept a glare settled on Yeonjun through-out his explanation, not surprised to see the tear-dripping eyes glare right back at him through the thick layer of tears.

It was official. There was nothing Beomgyu could do, so he had no choice but to let Yeonjun slowly kill himself.

4.

Beomgyu thought he had experienced the worst of it. Truly, because what could be worse than 1) finding bags filled with food covered by mold, 2) finding bags filled with vomit, 3) catching one of your best friends making themselves sick and spitting up blood afterwards? How did Beomgyu experience all of this and still not reach the worst part?

It was during the preparation for their comeback, they were all spread out over the practice room and stretching during their short break between practicing new and old choreography.

"Hyunnie.", he asked his boyfriend quietly.

"Yes?", Taehyun asked, turning his head to look at him from his hamstring-stretching position.

"What is your schedule like this weekend?"

He watched Taehyun purse his lips as he thought to see if he had something planned. There was some coughing going on in the background, nothing unusual for their group by now seeing as someone always had some kind of throat issues from the never-ending schedule they had. There was a low conversation following, but Beomgyu paid it no mind as he waited for his boyfriend's answer.

"I don't really have anything planned. Going to the gym as usual?"

"I hope your evening tomorrow is free, I'd like to take you out."

A shy smile grew on Taehyun's lips, and Beomgyu had no idea how the younger could still be so shy at times this far into their relationship. It had been almost four years, yet sometimes the smallest of compliments could turn Taehyun into a blushing mess. Beomgyu loved it.

"I'd like that."

Beomgyu crawled forward and leaning forward to press their lips together, once, then twice, and went back to stretching, only to hear Hueningkai's worried voice speak up right after another coughing fit went through the room.

"H-hyung..."

The fear in Hueningkai's voice made Beomgyu look up, seeing where the maknae was hovering over Yeonjun and staring down at his shaky hand. In hopes of seeing what happened, he looked at Yeonjun's face as well, and saw blood splattered on his bottom lip. Fuck his anger, Beomgyu was up in an instant and heading over, Taehyun right at his heel.

As they came closer and Beomgyu could see what had caught both Yeonjun and Hueningkai off guard, Beomgyu heard himself gasp quietly.

"I-is that a t-tooth?", Beomgyu asked as he looked down at Yeonjun's spit and blood-covered hand.

"Jisoo-hyung is on the way!", Soobin yelled out from where he was standing at the speaker system, fingers dancing over his phone screen like rapid fire and coming right over once he was done. "Hyung, let me see."

"No!", Yeonjun shouted, his free hand instantly covering his mouth while his other hand kept its position.

"Did you get hit?", Taehyun asked. "Or what happened?"

"He was coughing and suddenly there were specks of blood on his hand.", Hueningkai explained, eyes still tied to Yeonjun in worry. "A second later he spit it out."

"But it's just one?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"How is this possible?", Soobin questioned, but Beomgyu doubted he was looking for an answer from any of them. Soobin cupped Yeonjun's face with one hand, the best he could with Yeonjun's own hand covering his lower face, and one of his thumbs swiped under Yeonjun's eye to gather some of the tears that slipped. "Jisoo-hyung is on the way, we'll get you to a dentist and can figure out what is happening. Is any other tooth loose?"

"I-I do-don't k-know...", Yeonjun sniffled, and for once Beomgyu actually felt bad for him.

Beomgyu had dreams where all of his teeth fell out before, and words could not describe the relief coursing through his veins when he woke up and realized it was all a dream, and he still had all of his teeth attached to his gums. He could not imagine how terrifying it must be to lose a tooth out of nowhere, especially at 24 years old.

"Come on. Let me have a look.", Soobin whispered, prying Yeonjun's hand off of his face carefully. "Look at me, love."

Beomgyu anxiously waited for a reaction from the leader, reaching for Taehyun's hand while he waited and feeling Taehyun hold on tighter. Soobin suddenly smiled softly, and it was hard to tell what Soobin was thinking, and for the first time in their friendship, Beomgyu could not determine if the smile was fake or not.

"How is it, hyung?", Hueningkai asked, and Soobin shook his head slowly.

"It's not that bad-"

"-What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!", Yeonjun snapped at him but Soobin remained unaffected.

"It could have been a lot worse, Jjun. At least it's not one of your center upper teeth. The dentist will fix this in no time, I have no doubt."

Moments like this really highlighted why Soobin was the leader of their group, because if Beomgyu was the leader in this situation, there was no way he would be able to act calm and collected.

"It's pretty cute, not gonna lie."

"Soobin!"

Despite being constantly yelled at, Soobin kept a soft smile on his lips as he once again cupped Yeonjun's face, this time with both of his hands.

"Let's wipe those tears.", the leader whispered, bringing Yeonjun's head down for a forehead kiss and then wiping the remaining tears that had fallen from Yeonjun's eyes. The action itself only made Yeonjun cry even harder, but rather than freaking out about it, Soobin cooed. "What am I gonna do with you, my little crybaby?"

"Yeonjun-ah!", Jisoo called out when he entered the room, not even bothering coming up to them and instead waving his hand for the oldest member to come to the door, Soobin right at his heel.

They had all wanted to come with, but Jisoo denied it. Originally, he was going to bring Yeonjun to the dentist all by himself but Soobin managed to yap his way into coming with them, telling Taehyun he was in charge until Soobin was back, and like that, they were left as a trio in the practice room.

What worried Beomgyu the most was how only Soobin returned to the dorm that evening, the leader stating that Yeonjun had been taken back to his parents' house because of some complications at the dentist's office. The complication in question was unclear, as Soobin had to stay in the waiting room, but he claimed Jisoo looked seven stages of distressed when he came out with an arm over Yeonjun's shoulders and forcing him forward so they could leave. Even when Soobin asked once they had dropped Yeonjun off, Jisoo had refused to include him in whatever happened in the dentist's office, letting the leader know that as soon as management had a clearer picture, all of the members would be updated.

Nevertheless, the incident made Beomgyu consider texting the managers and letting them know what he thought had happened. He figured that either the tooth fell out because Yeonjun had vomited so much lately, or maybe the older knocked into it whenever he stuck his fingers into his throat. There was no doubt in Beomgyu's mind that it was an effect of Yeonjun's habits.

His plan had been to go to sleep immediately after their practice ended, planning on only taking a shower and then throwing himself into bed, but he had spent almost an hour of twisting and turning under the duvet without progress. He got up and decided to make something to eat. When he was a child, his mother would always give him something to snack on whenever he had sleeping difficulties and usually it helped him for whatever reason. Besides, he realized he had skipped dinner in all the chaos of the day.

"What are you making?"

Beomgyu had only just brought out the pot for ramyeon when Soobin joined him in the kitchen.

"Just some ramyeon. Don't feel like asking Taehyun for help to cook, or ordering something."

"Mind making that a double?"

Beomgyu shook his head and got enough water into the pot, turning on the heat. He turned around and leaned back against the counter next to the stove, facing Soobin right on from the older's spot on one of the chairs around their table.

"No update about hyung's return?"

Soobin shook his head.

"Nope. I heard you were planning on bringing Taehyun out for a date tomorrow?"

Beomgyu shrugged, checking the water again but it had yet to start boiling.

"I thought so but I think we might cancel."

He expected to be met with understanding, especially after the incidents of the day, but Soobin had the audacity to frown as if he did not understand where Beomgyu was coming from.

"Why?"

"What if something happens with hyung? I don't think I want to be out of reach in case something happens..."

Soobin rolled his eyes at him. Beomgyu thought his concern was valid, worrying about the people you love was always valid.

"What could possibly happen?"

"The fuck do I know, maybe he goes completely toothless."

"And what would you do in that situation?"

It was Beomgyu's turn to frown this time around, Soobin sliding down from his chair to stand up and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Say all of hyung's teeth will fall out tomorrow. What will you do?"

"What do you mean by 'what will you do'? Get him to the dentist?"

"With which license?"

"What's with those questions?!"

Soobin raised his hands in defense as Beomgyu raised his voice.

"My point it, no matter what happens, there's nothing you can do anyway, so why would you stop yourself from enjoying yourself and actually taking Taehyun on a date for the first time in what, half a year? It is possibly our last weekend containing any free time until next year, don't waste it by painting up fake scenarios."

"B-but..."

"Yeonjun-hyung wouldn't want you to do it either. Besides, he got his tooth fixed already."

"Yeah, but-", Beomgyu cut himself off as he processed Soobin's words. "Wait, the same tooth? They didn't give him a dental implant or something?"

"Not needed. Since hyung caught the tooth and Jisoo-sshi read up on what to do, the dentist managed to reinsert it somehow. I'm not sure what the process was, something with some paste. Hyung will go back in like a week or something to get it re-checked and if it doesn't look good, I think they will go for the implant. They wanted to avoid it if they could."

"Crazy.", Beomgyu muttered. How could the tooth not be more damaged if it fell out as a result of his...habit? It had to be because Yeonjun knocked into it too much then.

"Yeah. Bottom line - he's fine. There's no reason for you to stick around when you can't change anything about it. I don't think he's coming back until Monday, the dentist told him to limit physical activity."

That was an issue. Their comeback was in a little more than a week, and postponing now would be a hassle. But if Soobin was not worried, then neither would Beomgyu be. There had not been a single instance when he had to question Soobin's decisions, especially not when it came to the group. He would never tell Soobin that though, no need to inflate his ego unnecessarily.

And sure enough, Yeonjun showed up on the Monday, ready to practice as if nothing had happened.

"If it isn't the damsel in distress.", Beomgyu said when he and Taehyun entered the room, thankful to see three members present instead of the two he expected. Now they were all five.

"My damsel in distress with a dashing smile!", Soobin said gleefully, reaching out to grab Yeonjun's jaw and shaking the older man's head back and forth. It never failed to amaze Beomgyu just how big Soobin's hands were, seeing as they could cover the entire lower half of Yeonjun's face without stretching.

The way Yeonjun flinched back when Soobin tried to kiss him made alarm bells ring in Beomgyu's head. Already? He entered the practice room two minutes prior after a weekend off and he was already worrying again.

"The dentist said no kissing.", Yeonjun scolded the leader who pouted and leaned in again, this time aiming for the oldest member's cheek. Beomgyu could breathe again.

"I know."

"How did the repair go?", Taehyun asked, and got a shrug out of Yeonjun.

"Fine. Because of Jisoo-sshi's googling skills, I even got to keep it."

"It wasn't damaged?", Taehyun asked surprised. Beomgyu was as surprised when Soobin told him about it in the kitchen the week before, and even if Taehyun did not know half of what Beomgyu did, it was nice someone else was skeptic about it. "I mean, since it fell out."

"Apparently not.", Yeonjun shook his head. "Healthy enough to put back in."

"Did the dentist say what caused it to fall out?", Hueningkai asked, and Yeonjun looked at the maknae for a second before shaking his head at the ground.

"Nope. Said it might be stress, so you better not get stressed now!"

And like that, the subject got changed again, going back to their comeback preparations. Beomgyu made the mistake of looking at Soobin, seeing his best friend in turn looking at Yeonjun wish such adoration that Beomgyu was sure Yeonjun would melt any second. He recognized that look so well, it was exactly the way Beomgyu looked at Taehyun. He did not want to keep Yeonjun's habit from Soobin anymore. Soobin deserved to know what was going on, no matter how angry it made Yeonjun. But at the same time, Beomgyu wondered if the tooth-incident could possibly be a wake-up call, something that could remind Yeonjun of what his vile pastime hobby could cause.

One more time, Beomgyu decided. One more vomit fest from Yeonjun, and Beomgyu would run straight to Soobin without consulting Yeonjun about it. He was on thin ice now.

5.

More than half a month passed before he heard of Yeonjun throwing up again. Beomgyu figured losing a tooth really triggered the reality of the situation for Yeonjun after all.

The only problem was how it caused Yeonjun to stop eating solid foods overall. In his defense, the dentist had said to only eat non-hot, non-cold liquids for the days following his work on Yeonjun's tooth, and advised to stick to the same diet when Yeonjun returned a week later for the check-up and to have a root canal, but according to the manager, Yeonjun could eat normally again after just an hour. Despite that, Yeonjun stuck to soups and yogurt, even refusing the food packages his parents sent now that Yeonjun was back in the dorm. Yeonjun would open the packages, read the notes from his mother and then throw them away angrily, refusing to let the others know what the woman had said. If Beomgyu had a say in it, he guessed she was wishing for him not to continue being an idol, at least that was something that would cause a big reaction from Yeonjun.

Hueningkai turned out to be the saving grace, somehow managing to get Yeonjun to slowly start eating again, but only after the maknae tried to do the food airplane a few times and appearing sad when Yeonjun turned it down. Eventually Yeonjun could not take the beaten down look in Hueningkai's eyes anymore, and he slowly began to turn away from the soups. Along with that, his energy levels also boosted significantly which they definitely needed right now, even if they were only about a week into promotions. They could not have anyone slacking from lack of nutrition now.

They reached the end of promotions, getting into the practice for the award season instead, when it happened again.

For once, he came home to see some of the food in the containers Yeonjun's mother sent already eaten, leaving enough left for the rest of the group, but still, eaten. That almost never happened. Even more surprising was seeing a pink note still attached to the top of the container, and Beomgyu reached out to read it.

'Something easy for your stomach so you do not feel the need to throw up afterwards. Come home soon again, Healingie, we love you so, so much'

There was nothing big about the note, but it still tore at Beomgyu's heartstrings. Obviously, his parents had somehow found out about what was going on with Yeonjun, Beomgyu guessed the dentist must have exposed it, but Beomgyu never once stopped and thought of what Yeonjun's parents would feel when finding out about it all. Taehyun told him about how after he and Yeonjun went to Suchwita, Yeonjun got almost black-out drunk from all the alcohol and required not only Taehyun but a manager to get him out of the car and into the dorm. He had thrown up all over the hallway floor, which Hueningkai cleaned up, and as the two maknaes had dragged their oldest to the bathroom to clean him up the best they could, Yeonjun had apparently been a sobbing mess, rambling on and on about what a terrible son he was, over how his parents who had tried so hard for a child were unlucky to end up with him of all people, as if he was not the apple of their eyes already. Apparently it had taken Hueningkai almost half an hour to calm Yeonjun down and convince him his parents did in fact not hate him and get him into bed to sleep.

Judging by the hangover Yeonjun woke up with, that Beomgyu had the delight to see himself, it was no wonder their mathyung had no recollection of the night prior. All Beomgyu could say was that Hueningkai definitely softened up even more towards Yeonjun after that.

He walked over to the older's room, knocking on his door.

"Hyung, can I come in?"

He asked mostly out of courtesy. it had been a while since he showed any respect for Yeonjun's private life, but if there was one thing he did not want to see, it was his two best friends going at it. It had happened too many times, and he had only just now managed to burn the picture of the last time out of his brain. He was not looking for a replacement.

"No. Come back later."

He could not hear any trace of Soobin from inside, and shortly after there was a keyboard smash from down the hall. Alright, Soobin was not in there. The coast was clear.

"Come on. Open up."

"Please leave..."

No. No, no, no. He had heard that before, and he was having none of it.

Giving no fucks about the lack of approval from Yeonjun, Beomgyu twisted the door knob and stepped inside, greeted by the way too familiar smell of stomach acid. He closed the door quickly and turned to see Yeonjun on the floor next the his bed with a trash can between his legs.

Beomgyu sighed angrily when he walked up and snatched the trash can away, doing all in his might not to accidentally look into it, and instead placed it as far away as possible. He remained standing, looking down at Yeonjun with his hands on his hips and a foot tapping the floor, unable to prevent the angry snarl on his lips. How was this almost more disappointing than the birthday incident?

"What do you have to say this time?"

He was ready to be shouted at. He was ready to have Yeonjun kick at his legs even, anything to get Beomgyu to leave, but there was nothing. There was a soft gasp before a small; "I can't do this anymore..." was mumbled into the room.

Out of all excuses Beomgyu expected to have thrown at him, this was the last one. This was not something he expected to hear, and even more worrisome was the way the older man burst into tears, painful sobs ripping themselves from his lips and rattling his entire frame. Beomgyu immediately sat down next to him and pulled him into a hug.

"Hey. I'm here."

"I don't wanna do this anymore."

"Then don't, stupid. No one's forcing you."

Beomgyu might not know what to say in a scenario like this, but he was definitely wrong judging by the worsening state of Yeonjun in his arms. Instead of trying with some damage control, he kept stroking the older's back. At the back of his head, he wondered if the others could not hear the sounds from inside the room, but on the other hand, they had a tendency to leave each other alone, as most of the time, if someone was upset and wanted comfort, they would actually walk to each other instead of locking themselves away.

"I want to fucking die..."

Not only did his arm stop running up and down Yeonjun's arm, but his heart felt like it stopped beating as well. Beomgyu had let this go on for way too long.

"Jjunie-hyung. This is coming from a place of care and nothing else, alright?", he started but did not wait for an answer. "But you need help. I've tried for such a long time now and there's no change. When not even your teeth falling out stops you from doing this, it's clear as fuck you cannot do this on your own or with my help. Please. I'll get you an appointment with Doctor Hwang, but just...Please...You need help. You can't continue like this. Will you let me make the appointment?"

When he felt a weak nod against his shoulder, his chest became lighter. Finally, they were putting an end to this nightmare. Beomgyu scheduled a meeting for Yeonjun with the psychiatrist Beomgyu had seen when he got diagnosed with depression and that night he could sleep with a glimmer of hope growing inside of him.

Yeonjun canceled the appointment the morning after.

This time around, Beomgyu was so disappointed, so angry, he could not even look Yeonjun's way, afraid he might actually get physical if he looks at Yeonjun.

+1

Practicing for an award season had never been as draining as this one. It was to be expected, considering they came from a year containing nothing but tours and promotions all year around with no break, but as they were finally in November and less than two months from having a break, it seemed as if time slowed down to make it all even worse.

Soobin had approached him after one particularly rough practice round, asking if he needed to talk, because there was clear tension between him and Yeonjun, but when Beomgyu asked why he was not talking to his boyfriend instead, Soobin had sighed in annoyance, stating everyone kept everything from him at all times. Sure enough, Beomgyu and Yeonjun's fight became a problem for the entire group, similarly to how it was back in 2021 when Yeonjun and Soobin broke up and refused to be in the same room unless there was a camera filming for their fans. Only problem here was that they could not stick to the same solution as they had for the couple. Beomgyu and Yeonjun hooking up was the last thing that would solve any issues, it would do nothing but create more. In all honesty, for some time he doubted that their relationship would ever be fixed. It felt as if it was beyond repair at this point.

But apparently, things have a way of sorting themselves out sometimes if you give it time.

The first award show of the season, MAMA, was only ten days away, and they were getting stressed over how things were still not working out perfectly. It was frustrating. At this point, the only thing working out was the feature stage Taehyun and Hueningkai had with some fellow idols of other groups, but their own group stage was a disaster. They were literally performing two songs, Sugar Rush Ride and Chasing That Feeling, two songs they had worked on the entire year already, and sure, they stuck. But in Chasing That Feeling, they had decided to have a dance break to spice things up. There would be a lot of dancers around them, and the plan was obviously to be in sync, yet the five group members could not line up perfectly. They had not even brought in the dancers yet, and they were will failing. There was not a smile in the practice room, had not been for the last few days either.

"Do we need to take a break?"

Beomgyu found himself frowning over the choreographer's question. They had only danced for an hour, and if they needed a break, it was usually around the two hour mark at least, especially since they had taken a break from the dance break and focused on the regular choreography for the songs they were performing. They had not even gone all in either, saving as much energy as possible for when the choreographer would request trying the dance break again.

One look in the mirror, taking one good look at each member, made him realize what had the choreographer asking to begin with. In the middle of the room stood their oldest member, shaky fingers rubbing his eyes and swaying back and forth.

"Hyung?", Soobin called out with no answer, and the moment Beomgyu saw a falter in Yeonjun's steps, he flew forward just in time to wind his arm around the older's waist before his legs gave in. Beomgyu felt his own legs bend from the sudden dead weight in his arms and before he knew it, his knees hit the floor hard. It would definitely bruise, but at least no one was lying on the floor with a cracked open head.

"Are you okay?", the choreographer was behind him in an instant, hand on Beomgyu's shoulder and looking over at the passed out man in Beomgyu's arms.

"I-I'm fine.", Beomgyu mumbled. "Not sure about hyung though."

"Yeonjun-ah. Hey, Yeonjun-ah.", the choreographer called out, hand lightly smacking against the black-haired man's cheeks to no avail. "Okay. Lay him down on the floor please."

Doing as he was told, Beomgyu watched the choreographer take over and desperately tried to wake Yeonjun up, the stress on the man's face when he felt nothing under his fingers on Yeonjun's neck making Beomgyu's own heart rate triple. No. This could not be happening. Behind him, he heard a loud sob, followed by shushing and footsteps leading away from the scene and out the door.

The frantic hands of the choreographer felt around all of Yeonjun's upper body, going from wrists, to elbows to neck to check and repeating it over and over while one hand scrambled to find his phone. Beomgyu reached forward to do the same, letting two of his fingers rest under Yeonjun's jawline, pressing down and closing his eyes to try to focus. There was a pulse.

"Hyung-nim.", he called, catching the choreographer's attention. "I feel it here."

The choreographer placed the phone on his ear, talking rapidly to the person on the other side while feeling right where Beomgyu had felt.

"It's not just me, right?", he asked the older man who sighed in relief.

"It's not just you. Well done.", the choreographer pushed himself back and reached to grab at Yeonjun's knees and force them up, updating the person on the phone about the situation. Beomgyu's best guess was that it was 112 he was talking to. "Soobin. Will you please keep his legs at this angle? I'm going to get some sugary drinks for when he wakes up."

For a few minutes, Beomgyu and Soobin were left in the room, the two maknaes having been the footsteps that left the room earlier. His eyes drifted from Yeonjun's face to where the leader was sitting by his legs, Soobin's arms hooked under Yeonjun's legs and keeping them up at a 90 degree angle while his forehead rested on the raised knees.

"Hyung.", he called out, hearing a shaky hum. "He's gonna be okay."

Beomgyu had no way of actually knowing that, but he based his assumption on how the choreographer reacted. By the choreographer's reaction and relief when updating the presumed dispatcher on the phone, Beomgyu guessed it would be okay. The choreographer sounded hopeful Yeonjun would wake up after all.

"Y-you don't k-k-know that...", Soobin sobbed quietly, his arms hugging the legs tighter.

"Hyung. Soobin-hyung, it's okay. Don't hug his legs too hard, okay? It will cut the circulation."

Soobin's arms loosened and he nodded shakily. Watching your significant other pass out in the middle of the floor while two people struggled to find his pulse had to be terrifying after all. For a minute or two, Beomgyu was afraid Yeonjun had actually died, but they had found not only a heartbeat but a steady flow of breathing too. The color in Yeonjun's face was also returning, the sickly pale being replaced with more and more of his natural skin tone along with some blushing in his cheeks.

The door to the room opened and following the choreographer was their manager Jisoo.

"Have something to drink, the two of you.", the choreographer said, sitting back down beside Yeonjun's frame and handing them the two of the drinks he got. "We've called health professionals and they advised us to wait a few minutes and see if he wakes up since he's breathing and we can feel a pulse."

Jisoo joined them on the floor, leaning down to unzip Yeonjun's zip-up hoodie and taking off his own jacket to place it under Yeonjun's head.

"Where's Tyun and Hyuka?", Beomgyu asked him.

"With Seongseok-sshi. It got a bit too much for Huening right now, so we brought him to one of the resting rooms. Taehyun is staying with him to keep him calm."

That was good. In all honesty, Beomgyu did not want their two youngest members to witness the potential death of their friend, just in case.

"Well, hello there."

Hearing the choreographer's greeting made Beomgyu look down instantly, seeing groggy eyes blink open.

"Hyung?", Soobin called out, once again squeezing Yeonjun's legs in his arms.

" 'at 'appene'?", Yeonjun slurred, Jisoo placing one hand on the younger's chest to keep him down and prevent him from sitting up. His free hand was texting someone.

"You passed out on us.", the choreographer said. "Drink this."

Rather than taking a sip as told, Yeonjun's shaky hands turned the bottle around, and when Beomgyu figured out what he was looking for, he snatched the bottle out of Yeonjun's hands, meeting Yeonjun's glassy but shocked eyes.

"Nu-uh. That's not important right now. Just drink it."

Beomgyu unscrewed the cap himself and guided the bottle towards the older's lips, glaring at him when Yeonjun tried to grab it. His glare was enough for Yeonjun's hands to fall back down as he allowed Beomgyu to pour some of the liquid into his mouth, going slow to prevent choking.

"You need something sugary.", the choreographer explained. "Are you having difficulties breathing?"

Beomgyu had not even noticed the staggering of Yeonjun's chest until now. That had not been there before he woke up.

"A little. It'll be better in a while."

"I believe so. We're taking you to the hospital."

In an instant, Yeonjun bolted up into a sitting position, scaring the life out of Jisoo who had not been prepared for the sudden movement. The manager's quick hands took a hold of him instantly, before Yeonjun could fall right back and slam his head against the floor when he once again almost passed out.

"I'm not going to a hospital. We have a performance soon-"

"-I thought you died."

The room fell silent when their maknae's voice came from the door, Beomgyu looking over to see Hueningkai and Taehyun coming over. It was clear the maknae had cried excessively over the situation (Beomgyu was not far from doing so himself) as seen on the maknae's red and splotchy face. Seongseok shut the door behind the trio and joined them all as well.

"What?", Yeonjun whispered.

"You collapsed and didn't respond for quite some time, hyung.", Beomgyu filled him in. "Woohyun-sshi didn't find your pulse either, s-so we thought you died."

"Therefore we need to get you checked out before you can do anything else.", Jisoo said, only to be met with more complaints.

"I'll be fine, just give me a minute."

"What if you had been alone?", the choreographer said. "You would've hit your head if Beomgyu hadn't caught you before you fell. If you were alone, you would've hit your head and who knows how long you'd end up being unconscious for?"

Yeonjun's mouth opened again, only for Soobin to interrupt him.

"Yeonjun.", the lack of a honorific term attached to the end of Yeonjun's name as the leader addressed him was enough to send shivers down Beomgyu's spine. Even when Beomgyu was not on the receiving end of Soobin's 'leader voice', it awoke a sense of fight or flight in him, considering Soobin had rarely ever used it in their almost 5 years as a group. "You're going to the hospital and that's final."

"You're all so dramatic! It was one time, it happens to everyone!"

Beomgyu had enough. He was tired. He was so done with having to constantly worry about Yeonjun's condition.

"Know why it hasn't happened to us even if we also work like crazy?", Beomgyu said, receiving a glare from his hyung, as if daring Beomgyu to continue. Any other day, it may have made Beomgyu reconsider his actions, but right now he was too angry to consider it threatening. "Because we eat."

A beat of silence.

"What do you mean?", the choreographer asked, eyes going between the two members.

"No different than me.", Yeonjun argued.

To that, all Beomgyu could do was chuckle with no delight in his voice. Yeonjun wanted to play a game of being literal? Two could play that game.

"Let me rephrase then. We", Beomgyu said, waving his hand around the room to show he included everyone except Yeonjun in his statement. "eat and keep the food down."

It was clear from the way every muscle in Yeonjun's body tensed up that he never expected Beomgyu to say it. Beomgyu never thought he would either, but as Hueningkai so kindly reminded him, they thought they were about to lose one of their closest friends right in front of their eyes. After careful consideration, Beomgyu concluded that Yeonjun's health was more important than keeping Yeonjun's trust. As bad as he felt about exposing Yeonjun's dirty laundry, Beomgyu had to prioritize, and he should have done that a long time ago.

"Y-Yeonjun-hyung.", Hueningkai whispered. "Say Beomgyu-hyung didn't just imply...?"

Another chuckle left Beomgyu's lips.

"I'm serious. Tell them, hyung."

"You're lying.", their oldest member got through his clenched jaw and teeth, but the tears in his eyes over the accusation did nothing to prove his 'innocence'.

"Am I?"

"You're going to the hospital.", Jisoo said finally, leaving no room for arguments as he slowly began to pull Yeonjun up into a sitting position. "Let's get you out to the car."

Beomgyu remained on the floor as the choreographer and Soobin got to their feet as soon as Jisoo had Yeonjun upright, joining the two as they walked towards the door. Surprisingly, Beomgyu heard no more complaints from their oldest member, and Yeonjun did not cast him another glance either. A second later, the door to the practice room slammed shut, leaving Beomgyu alone with the two maknaes and Seongseok, his reveal having stunned them all to silence. Actually, stunning all but one person.

"Seongseok-sshi?"

"Yes, Beomgyu-yah?"

"How come you and Jisoo-sshi weren't surprised over what I said?"

The look he received from the manager made his blood boil.

The managers had known all along.