sunday
21st june 2020
5:17 am

i know, I KNOW i'm supposed to be sleeping (thankYOU insomnia :D) but right now, all i can think about is the void in my heart when it's slowly dawning on me that i'm wasting my life away.

i mean sure, i help my mom around the house, use my time be productive, read books, do the chores, all sorts of mundane activities... yet i feel devoid of emotion? i feel empty? i feel like i've died already, even though i have yet to live my life?

there is still so much i've yet to do; so many dreams i have kept hidden in my heart, that only seep out in my prayers. yet i'm tired of this life already? i don't have what it takes to get up in the morning, to motivate myself to go about my day with a smile?

and then, sometimes in the middle of these thoughts, it just hits me how distant i've been from Allah. i may appear to be this super-pious person (believe me, i've had SO many people say that to me, i've lost count), who is extremely soft spoken, well mannered, is the epitome of maturity and... other things i don't like to hear. i don't want people to praise me, all it does is made me feel guilty for all the flaws and errs Allah has so gracefully hidden from them.

even though i pray my prayers, it's almost robotic. like i know that this is what i'm supposed to do, so it's just a task i will get over with as soon as possible, with as little effort as possible. my prayers have been lousy and incomplete, and i don't feel the sense of satisfaction and belonging i once felt after a completed prayer. on the contrary, i'm even more hollow. i hate myself every time i can't force myself to sit there on the prayer mat and read some more Tasbeeh. i'm hasty with it, and i feel so, so horrible about it because i know i'm not supposed to be.

my heart cries out to me, begs me to take it to its Creator, which is the only place where it will finally be healed. i have so much weighing me down, so much that i've had to keep in my heart, that it has become impossible for me to move about unless i put it all down somewhere. i'm lost, i'm homeless. i don't know where i belong. i keep pushing the feeling away, but i know that the more i press it down, the harder it will spring back up.

maybe that's the problem. maybe me ignoring my feelings, pushing them to the side and trying to find comfort elsewhere is the problem. maybe i should start to trust the process, that although i won't find a quick solution to my worries, i will know that He has heard me, and will work things out in such a way that will leave me astonished. maybe i should stay put those few extra minutes after prayer, and in the company of my Rabb, beg Him to heal my heart.

but think about it.

you will keep going away from Him, but sometime in the night when you're all alone, cuddled in your blanket, you will think about it. you will think about what you've done, how much you've pushed the Creator of yourself away, how much you've neglected Him. yet He continues to give you a second chance, He continues to return you soul to your body every morning, continues to give you day after day to change yourself. He will wait for you to turn to Him, and all you will do is push Him away. but He will persist. because He loves you, and you're dear to Him, and He will continue to do so for as long as He wants. for as long as you keep coming back to Him, no matter how far you stray.

and if that isn't enough to being tears to your eyes, then i don't have the faintest idea what is.

this is messy and jagged. i'm sorry if you can't make sense of this. i've been wanting to get this out for too long now.