sunday
21st may 2023
2:11 am

sometime in 2018, i started wearing the hijab full time.

i had always admired it, always looked up to those who adorned it. they moved with such comfort and grace, such dignity and poise that it was one random evening when i simply slipped a black georgette over my head and from then on, i knew. i would not be taking it off.

it had become a part of me, a part of my personality. i looked to my hijab when i felt the lowest because it reminded me of my place, of who i am, and where i belonged. there were definitely times when it became too troublesome to continue wearing it, and one of those times were weddings.

and truth be told, it still is. i have had to have hour long monologues with myself over what harm could it possibly do to take it off, for a couple of hours, to dress up in makeup and jewellery, to take pictures that look good and have a great time. weddings don't come around every day, do they?

and while i ended up not taking it off completely, i did beautify it, which was just as bad as removing it altogether. i still wore the sparkly, fancy dresses that someone who didn't practice the hijab would wear, i still wore the same amount of makeup and the same jewellery that ended up hurting my ears. the only difference between them and me was that i covered my hair.

and for what?

with all the adornment, all the glam, what difference did it make if i had the hijab on? i still was dressed the same as every other non-hijabi. i still felt out in the open, uncomfortable, still capturing the attention of people in the wedding, defeating the entire purpose of the hijab.

i was beautifying something that was supposed to deter attention away from me, protect me and shield me. i was telling myself it was okay, that at least i had my hair covered, but what was the point of that if someone was going to look at me anyway because of my adornment?

i only pray Allah forgives me for this. for twisting His commandment until it suited me, for not educating myself about what a hijab truly is, how it should be worn, and what it represents.

and what about all the money that was spent on beauty-parlour level makeup, the heavy jewellery, the sparkly clothes? how would i account for fulfilling my desires just to please those around me, forgetting one day i would be held accountable for each penny spent?

how much do i chase the glitz and glamour of the dunya, forgetting that one day it will all be dust, and so will i?