※ Death is a cold, blind-folded kiss. It is the finger pressed upon our lips. It puts an unwanted emphasis on how we should have lived. ※

Dear Troye,

I've probably written this a thousand times by now. I've been trying to find the perfect way to word things, you know, like if I can use the right sentences and punctuation and vocabulary it will somehow make it all better.

(If you see things scribbled out, it's because I've run out of paper to keep restarting every time I make a mistake. And, as we both know, I tend to make a lot of those.)

It won't. I realize that now.

I don't really know what to say. I don't know what you want me to say. Maybe you don't want me to say anything. Maybe you'll throw this out the second you see who its from and not even read it. That would suck because I've spent nearly two weeks on this single fucking letter, but it's your choice and I'll completely understand no matter what you do. You can feed this to Jagga if you want, I promise I won't even be a little hurt. (At least, I won't let it show that I am. Wouldn't that be ironic?)

There are so many things I feel like I should tell you, so many places I know I should start. I'm probably going to forget things here and there, so sorry if there's something missing that you really wanted to hear. (This wouldn't have been an issue if you'd just picked up your phone and had this conversation a month ago, but I digress.)

I think the most important thing I could say here is I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Troye. I never wanted it to end up like this and if there was any point in our lives that I could go back and change to avoid this, I would do it in a heart beat. I wish you would have let me tell you that much in person, at least, but I know why you didn't. I get it. I'm not holding it against you. I don't really have the right to hold anything against you.

The second most important thing is probably not something you really want to hear. I love you. I'm sorry about that, too.

I guess I'm sorry for a lot of things, so I might as well just start listing them all.

I'm sorry I dumped coffee on you the day we first met (not really, but I'm going to say I am anyway because I know you're still upset that I ruined your favourite sweater). I'm sorry I talked myself out of asking you to be my boyfriend, way back when, because I know it set us back a couple months and it hurt so much to see you cry when we finally both broke down and admitted everything we'd been feeling. I'm sorry I didn't defend you when Kian said that shit about you the first time I introduced you to him, I was a coward and I didn't realize how hurtful it actually was until it was too late.

I'm sorry I didn't introduce you to my family sooner, even when you introduced me to yours. I'm sorry I let you think it was because I wasn't serious about you.

I'm sorry I said I had to think about it when you asked me to move in with you. I didn't have to think about it, I just didn't want you to know how far gone I was for you, even though it was so painfully obvious that you'd been falling just as hard.

I'm sorry I didn't ask you to marry me sooner. I should have, I wanted to, I knew you'd say yes. I let my uncle get to me and I'm so, so sorry I ended up asking you for a break instead. I'm sorry I didn't call you for a month or answer your texts or open the door and I'm sorry I avoided all the places I knew you frequented. I wanted to be with you every moment that I wasn't, I hope you know that, I've just always been so stupidly easy to influence and when my uncle said he didn't understand why we were together, I took it too much to heart.

I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry, Troye.

I'm sorry my mom kind of took over our wedding there, too. That wasn't cool. It was still awesome, though. It would have been awesome no matter who planned it, as long as you were the one standing across from me at the altar. (I'm sorry I messed up my vows, too, but you just looked so beautiful that I couldn't put it into words.)

I'm sorry that I've always put you on this pedestal and assumed you could do no wrong, that you weren't human and just as prone to mistakes as everybody else. I'm kind of doing it now, aren't I?

I'm sorry-

I'm sorry about-

I'm sorry I've always had such difficulty showing my emotions. I know how hard it was for you to always be doubting my words because half the time they didn't reflect how I really felt. I'm sorry it took a screaming match and a bunch of broken dishes for me to even realize it was an issue.

I'm sorry he-

I'm sorry I suggested we name our son Chuck Norris. Actually, no. That would have been awesome and I regret nothing. You can't tell me you didn't laugh at least once.

I'm so sorry, Troye. I'm so, so sorry and this is so hard for me to write about because nothing I write is ever going to feel like enough but I'm just sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Troye. I should have been watching him. I should-

I don't have any excuses for this one. I don't know what else to say.

I should have been watching him and I wasn't and it was all my fault and I know you hate me, you should hate me, I hate me. He probably hates me, too. Our beautiful baby boy, our son, our pride and joy and the one thing I thought I'd never be able to mess up. I was wrong, I can mess anything up, and I can't say sorry enough for all of this.

You'll probably never read this, Troye, and it's okay if you don't because at least I said it, at least it's there if you ever want to hear it.

You deserve so much more than you got, you wonderful, wonderful man. You deserve so much more than this, than me. You deserve the whole world and a man who loves you like that's exactly what you are and someone who doesn't fuck up everything they touch. You deserve a husband who knows what the hell he's doing with his life and a beautiful, beautiful family like you were so close to having before I did what I always do and ruined it. You deserve so much better than me and I'm sorry I'm what you ended up with.

I'm sending this to your parents' house back in Australia. I don't know if that's where you are, but it's the only place I could think to try.

And if your parents read this or throw this out without ever even giving it to you, I'll understand that, too.

There's no perfect way to word any of this. No grammar or punctuation or stupid choice of vocabulary could ever make any of this better and I'm sorry for that, too.

I'm sorry for everything.

I love you.

Yours, though I know you wish I wasn't.

※

Connor,

You don't mess everything up. There's a reason I fell in love with you in the first place, you stupid, stupid man.

It was both our faults. I should have been there, too. Stop punishing yourself, it won't do anyone any good no matter what you think, okay? I don't need you to be sorry and neither does he. I just need you to take care of yourself and find a way to be okay again, like I'm trying to. I don't know why things turned out the way they did and I don't think I ever will, but I know you're not entirely to blame.

For what it's worth, I have a lot to be sorry for, too.

Please don't contact me again. It's time to move on, Connor. You're just making this harder on the both of us.

Troye.

※ Life is a gorgeous, broken gift. Six billion pieces waiting to be fixed, love letters that were never signed, sent to where we live. The sweetest thing I've ever heard is that I don't have to have the answers, just a little light to call my own. ※