A little humor in the time of coronavirus...
This is what I do IRL:

Use a heavier yarn, an all cotton or poly-blend (easy care, no shrinkage). I recommend an H-K hook.

Chain the desired width of your roll, plus 1.

SC in the second ch and across. Ch 3, turn.

DC in the next st and every st. across. Ch 3, turn.

Repeat the last row until you run out of yarn or achieve desired length of roll. Make sure it will fit on the roller and in your washing machine. Since you can't tear off the used portion he way you do with normal TP, spread a garbage bag or swath of plastic SOMETHING on the bathroom floor (Because... hygiene! Pee-pee and poo? EW! You're not a barbarian, after all).

Depending on individual and household needs, as well as tenacity and type of fecal material, feel free to experiment with a variety of textured stitches of your choice.

Wash your hands.
Practice the vampire sneeze.
Don't eat poo.
Don't panic.
We'll get through this!