^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Reader: oh look, someone's feeling uncreative today haha.  "Jane"?
Me: That's DIScreative, idiot
Reader: ummm...
Me: If you don't have a white vanilla iced mocha, LEAVE
Reader: *backs away slowly and runs as soon as possible*
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hey guys, Linz here. *waves* 
[btw magis that was NOT okay with the feels.  NOT OKAY]

So I know my last 'entries' have been kinda downers, but no worries there will be 'happier' posts soon :D 
[my friend always says her dad thinks if you say no worries then you sound like an Australian.  Now it's a joke between us and it always comes up in our texting/email conversations :)  italics are interesting]

Reader [thinking]: there goes Linz, distracted again.
Me: I can read minds
But you have a point there.

So.  "Jane".  Where to start.
[🎶start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start...🎶]

I have a friend called "Jane".  She was the first one I told about my feelings of depression and my self harm and my anxiety, so on.  Jane and I have known each other since sixth grade, and we always get along.  I would count her as one of my closest friends.  When I told her about my recent depression and all that jazz, she kinda went overboard a little.  She was like 'no, no, you can't be depressed, too!'
(Lemme get this staight.  Our mutual friend 'Anna' had recently been going through some stuff, idk what it is but I can tell when people are struggling.  I asked Jane if Anna was depressed or self harming and she said yes, both were true, but I couldn't tell anyone.)
So I knew Jane had been dealing with this, and I concluded that she wouldn't freak out as much if I told her.  Also, so she wouldn't feel trapped, I said she could tell her other friend, basically her sister they're so close.

This is what happened this past week, and the last email, she sent today when I was at church without my IPad.
(On the topic of my parents seeing my arm with scratches on it, they were almost gone but still.  Then she said, now you can get help.  I tried to explain how I felt...)

Warning: Rant Ahead!  Proceed with Caution!

Three

Two

One

vvvvvvvvvvvvvRANT
I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY DEEPEST SECRET THE MOST BROKEN PART OF MY HEART.  IT TOOK MONTHS BEFORE I COULD MUSTER THE COURAGE TO ACTUALLY TELL SOMEONE, AND I PICKED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGH YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.  MY WHOLE PROBLEM IS WORRYING ABOUT MESSING UP.  IF YOU EVEN FELT HALF THE STRESS I FEEL ON A DAILY BASIS YOU WOULD EXPLODE.  I DIDN'T EXPLODE, I IMPLODED, AND IT DEVELOPED BECAUSE I COULDN'T ADMIT I WASN'T PERFECT. 
I
AM
NOT
PERFECT.
I need you to respect MY feelings, no matter how unreasonable.  Depression is a MENTAL HEALTH issue.  You can't just choose to be happy.

DON'T YOU GET IT!?  I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR FEELING TERRIBLE LIKE THIS.
I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH WORSE PROBLEMS.
I KNOW THERE'S RAPE, I KNOW THERE'S ABUSE, I KNOW THERE'S DIVORCE AND BROKENNESS AND PEOPLE WHO CAN'T HELP THEIR SITUATION.
BUT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DIE AND I CAN'T HELP IT. 

then you say people have it harder thAn me.  'You don't understand how I feel bad'.  My life is great!  But instead of encouraging me, you tore down every wall I had to protect my heart again.  Now the guilt can rip me apart and make everything 10x worse.  And it starts all over again.

You can't see what you did with those words, and you never will.  You'll never see the cuts that I'll put somewhere else on my body, where no one will notice.  You'll never see me crying in the bathroom, to overwhelmed to handle life.  You'll never see the way I need someone to be there for me but can't say a word, how trust will be a thousand times harder to accomplish, especially with you.  I picked you, and I picked miserably wrong.

Jane, jane, jane.  You say you don't understand, and finally you got it right.

You just don't understand.

^^^^^^^^^^end of rant

sorry that got intense.  toodles.