a/n: this fic has 7 chapters currently posted on my ao3 (sssrha) and ffn (SSSRHA) accounts so if you want more, feel free to go check those out lol. this chapter was originally posted to ao3 on jan 21, 2023. the author's notes at the end are the original ones this chapter was posted with. hope you enjoy!

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IT STARTS WITH three people waiting outside an interview room at the Hog's Head. Aberforth, bless him, takes one look at them all, shakes his head, and slides Albus some brandy. Even after all these years of animosity, he still has the capability to pity his older brother.

Albus waves for the first person to enter. Severus Snape steps in. Before he can even open his mouth, Albus says, "No."

"But I—"

"No."

"You haven't even—"

"Get out."

Severus deflates. "Every year, it's the same thing. Why won't you give me a chance?"

"Because if I give it to you, you'll either be dead or halfway to Azkaban by the time the year is over and, as surprising as this might be, I genuinely like you, Severus." The young man is also one of two people who keep Hogwarts running when Albus is called away to deal with The Ministry's Shit. The other is, of course, Minerva, who is the light of Albus's life and the main reason for Albus's continued sanity.

"You don't know that," Severus protests weakly. It's more a token protest than anything.

"Just send the next applicant in."

Severus sulks all the way out.

The next person to walk through the door is famed celebrity Gilderoy Lockhart. He is also a recent applicant for the position, showing up last year as well. The man flashes a smile and says, "It's wonderful to see you again, Albus!"

Albus wants to bash his head against a wall. Five minutes later, he finally manages to convince the man to leave ("Yes, yes, of course, Gilderoy. We'll be in touch! Watch your head on the way out!") and takes a drink directly from the bottle. Merlin, he just wants to sleep. He's too old for this.

The final person to walk into the room is Quirinus Quirrell, the previous Muggle Studies teacher, who has recently returned from a trip to Albania. He's twitching and stuttering so severely that Albus can barely make out what he's saying. At random moments, his sentences break off and he stares into the distance. Sometimes, he mutters to himself, or to someone else who is not there.

Albus considers him critically. "Well," he says slowly, "your NEWT scores speak for themselves and your recommendations are impeccable, not to mention your new experience in the field." Quirinus nods to himself, fingers twitching violently.

Albus thinks, Well, if he can write legibly then it doesn't matter.

Quirinus can, in fact, write legibly. Success. "You've got the job."

Quirinus smiles an ugly smile. Albus just takes another gulp of brandy.

"WHY?" ALBUS DEMANDS, incredulous.

Nicolas rolls his eyes. "There is nowhere safer than Hogwarts, Albus, and you know it."

"Why does the stone need to be safe? Surely a high security vault in Gringotts is enough..."

"Someone's been trying to steal it," Nicolas says with a sigh. He takes a deep draw from his cigar, letting the smoke out gently. "Someone powerful. I can't keep it with myself, Albus, not anymore." Then, quieter, "I'm thinking of destroying it, you know? Finally getting it over with. Journeying to the Great Beyond and whatnot...the next great adventure."

"Dying," Albus says flatly. "You're planning on dying." Is this considered suicidal ideation? Is this concern worthy? Albus doesn't even know—you never can tell with immortals.

"It's different when you're my age, Albus. I'm over six hundred years old. Death is an acquaintance that has been waiting to greet me for a very long time. I fear my time may have come...perhaps not just yet. Just a little longer, until everything has settled." He leans forward, blowing smoke into Albus's face. "You understand, don't you, Albus? What do you think?"

I think, thinks Albus, who is very glad that his beard covers his cheeks, that I am way too gay for this.

"Fine," he relents, because he never could say no to Nicolas, "I'll hide the damn stone in the castle full of teenagers."

"Marvelous!"

Albus scowls at him. Then asks, "Do you have anything stronger than a cigar?"

"Oh, Albus, you always were a little rascal!"

He is well and truly high by the time he stumbles back to Hogwarts. Minerva is waiting in his office, radiating disapproval. "And where have you been, Albus?"

"Meeting a friend."

"A friend?"

"A very pretty friend," Albus says dreamily. Then, he shakes his head. "I'm guarding something important in this castle! It needs to be kept safe—no lethal methods, though...don't want any children getting hurt..."

"If it's that important then it probably shouldn't be here in the first place."

"Believe me, I agree, but I can't do much about it." He stares at the ceiling as it dances above him. "Just...make sure it's safe. Once I place it in its container, I'll let you know." He leans closer. "But Minnie, listen to me very carefully—it needs to be guarded against students! With like...a really hard chess game, perhaps. Something a random child won't be able to get through. A bunch of games they'll never be able to win, or something. Get some other professors to help if you need to."

"Games," says Minerva uncertainly.

"You heard me," says Albus.

Minerva nods. "...Right. Games. Got it."

The next morning, Albus does not remember the conversation at all. Instead, he says to Minverva, "We discussed protections for the Philosopher's Stone, correct?"

Minerva mouths Philosopher's Stone to herself incredulously before taking a deep breath. "Yes, Albus. I heard you loud and clear."

"Good," says Albus decisively. That's one thing out of the way, at least.

THERE IS A troll on a rampage in the school and Severus has run off to do Merlin-knows-what and Albus just really, really wants a drink.

ALBUS DEBATES WHETHER or not to give Harry Potter the invisibility cloak. On the one hand, it is technically his, since it was his father who had owned it before his death, but on the other hand, giving a child the ability to walk around the castle completely undetected is not a very appealing prospect.

He ends up thinking about it over a bottle of brandy. He eventually decides to send the cloak to the boy as a Christmas present—and an unsigned letter because, you know, plausible deniability and all that.

He regrets his decision almost immediately when the boy stumbles into a corner of the castle that Albus had forgotten existed. Harry is standing in front of the fucking Mirror of Erised and gazing into its depths, which almost gives Albus a heart attack because the last time a student had done something similar, Albus had only found out while collecting the poor boy's decomposing body.

He approaches the situation with as much tact as he can manage. Harry says that he sees his parents in the mirror, which is tragic but predictable. And then the boy asks Albus what he sees, and Albus lies because he doesn't know how to explain to the boy that he sees himself with his childhood lover who also happened to be a genocidal Dark Lord.

The mirror, though...it gives him an idea...

"YOU WANT ME to charm it to only reveal the stone to someone who doesn't want it?" Filius asks skeptically.

"Exactly," beams Albus.

"You do realize that most everyone who walks across this mirror will end up with the stone in their pockets, then, right?"

"Don't worry, I'll be locking it away—"

"In the room on the third floor?" asks Filius.

Albus vaguely remembers that room—that's the one Minerva had put the protections in, right? She and Filch had been very adamant that he warn students not to enter. Fair enough. He nods to Filius, who simply sighs and raises his wand.

What a good lad.

"VOLDEMORT," ALBUS SAYS flatly. "Harry Potter confronted Voldemort."

"Yes," says Severus, teeth grit. "The Granger girl was a blubbering mess when I found her coming out of the room. Explained it all to me. I found him unconscious in a room with the Mirror of Erised." He leans closer. "I understand that you like to play your little games but if you knew that Quirrell was being possessed, why on earth would you go and guard the Philosopher's Stone with a bunch of children's games?"

There is so much to unpack in the sentence and Albus is tempted to just throw out the entire suitcase.

Much later, after several discussions with Minerva, Albus finds out that the Philosopher's Stone was being guarded by literal children's games because Minerva had no idea that Albus had made that particular recommendation while being stoned out of his mind.

"The cerberus I can get," says Albus, "because they're intimidating enough creatures. But a chess game?"

"You're the one who recommended it!"

"I was too high to function!"

Perhaps Albus needs to start paying more attention to these things instead of trusting his staff to take care of it themselves.

Also, he needs to screen professors better.

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a/n: this is complete and utter crack, don't expect much