21

Nick Fury was having a relatively decent day. Keyword being was. That ended when he got called by his best archer assassin saying that they had captured Hydra agents in the Avengers tower of all places. That itself wasn't too bad. Nor was the fact he'd have to go there to supervise their arrest. The problem...was teenagers.

First of all, it was a teenager who caught the Hydra agents breaking in before and chose to befriend them rather than report them.
It was then that same teenager who invited them back, and, when they did return, it was him and another teenager who invited them to join in a ridiculous video game contest.

Nick Fury may have been able to just about tolerate that. Just about.

However what he could not tolerate was everything that occurred when he, along with other members of SHIELD (a completely Hydra-free SHIELD) were unable to do their job due to, you guessed it, teenagers.

It just so happened that the (teenage) princess of Wakanda had been watching the showdown after hacking the tower's security footage and decided she too liked these Hydra agents.

And, as these Hydra agents were at risk of being brought to justice, she just called up another damn teenager! Sort of. Really depends if you count a rough translation of species' ages/lifespans to compare them to humans...

Now, normally there would be just enough of a delay when contacting Asgard for them to take some Hydra agents into custody with no interference from the God of Mischief. Unfortunately for Fury, somebody decided to recruit the mutant teenage twins.

It's hard to say exactly who hired the Maximoffs for this immensely irritating interference, but, if he had to take a guess, Fury would have to consider the suspicious behaviour of his usually very professional red-headed Russian assassin.

If only he could prove it, he would consider making her pay, for there is no humiliation quite like having hallucinations planted in your mind and somebody zooming around you, poking your shoulder or tying your shoelaces together.

That had him fed up enough. However, the icing on the cake had to be stupid, smug Loki somehow teleporting in then out and away with Fury's goddamn prisoners.

All in all, not a good day.
And now Goose was ignoring him.
A truly terrible day indeed.

Mr Stark
Right then, you vial little frogspawns

Spidey
I beg your pardon‽

Harley
The hell did you just call us?!

Mr Stark
Accept it and move on.
Your little friends have escaped, you'll be pleased to know

Spidey
┌(★ｏ☆)┘

Harley
ƪ(‾.‾")┐

Mr Stark
Yes, I'm sure it's great for you but the pirate seemed very close to going on a killing spree.
Since I'm sure you've both had an exhausting day, you are both to go straight to bed.

Spidey
What no way!

Harley
No fair!
Sleep is boring and I'm wide awake!
Not to mention, sleep is for the weak.

The Boss
You'll go to bed right after you've had something to eat and brushed your teeth.

Harley
AH PEPPER!!!
I mean...yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am. Thank you ma'am.

Spidey
Alright, we will, and we're very sorry for what we did.

Mr Stark
Why don't you kids treat me with such respect?

Harley
Have you ever met you?

Mr Stark
Wow.
You know, I could always fire you or kick you out so you'd have to go back to Tennessee...

The Boss
That's enough.
Both of you, apologize.

Harley
Sorry.

Mr Stark
Sorry.

Spidey
It's bad to lie.
You two should try hugging it out

Harley
Peter...

Spidey
Yep?

Harley
Shut up.

Spidey
Shutting up.

The Boss
I suppose that's the best I'm going to get from you children...

Mr Stark
Yes, sadly that's all they're capable of.

The Boss
Tony, you were included when I said children.

Spidey
Lmwo

Harley
Haha take that old man!

The Boss
Didn't I tell you two boys to get to bed?

Harley
Getting to bed faster than Pietro!
Night crazy scary awesome boss lady!

Spidey
Uh oh
Goodnight Miss Pepper Mom Ma'am
:)

2am

Don't be ridiculous. Of course Harley and Peter aren't going to stay asleep. Honestly if you thought that would happen then you have failed to realise that this is most certainly not a fanfic where logical decisions are made.

Anyway...

"Hey, Harley..." Peter whispered from the bunk bed where he was lying awake. Harley only groaned in reply.
Still, Peter persisted, "Are you awake?"

"No..." Harley replied.
"Oh ok, sorry," Peter apologized.

Five minutes later

"HANG ON!" Peter yelled, jumping out of his bunk to crawl over to see the definitely not awake Harley.

"Ok, ya got me. What is it?" yawned Harley, "why are you interrupting my beauty sleep?"

"You know how I was bitten by that spider..."
"Yup."
"And it changed my DNA..."
"Obviously."
"Well if my DNA is now partially a spider's as well as my parent's..."

"DOES THE SPIDER DESERVE CUSTODY?!" they finished in unison.

(To make things easier, for the next bit, anything written in bold is them saying it together)

"I don't know! That's why I asked you! Why would I know?! You said you know everything! Well I only act like I do! Fine. Liar. Says you! Whatever. Why don't we get a second opinion? Who? Who's smartest? Natasha Romanoff. Wait she's not here, she said she had to get some mail and hasn't been seen since... Weird. If she's not here then why did you suggest her?! Why did you?! Who else could we ask? Tony Stark! We should probably wait until morning though... Yeah like that's gonna happen! FRIDAY where is the High Tech Trash Can?!"

You could almost hear the exasperation in the AI's Irish voice as she answered, "He is currently sleeping in his room."

"He sleeps?" Peter marvelled at the thought.
"Nevermind that, he has a room?" Harley said, equally baffled.

"FRIDAY are you sure you're right?" Petey asked as politely as his shock would let him.
Before she could confirm it, Harley interjected, "And is he really in his own bedroom or is it just his lab?"

There was no denying that FRIDAY sighed this time, "Yes, Sir is currently sleeping in his bedroom, with Miss Potts."

"Thanks, FRI!" Spidey smiled.
Alas, not everyone can be as good as Peter, and Harley felt the need to ask, "Woah before we go there, FRIDAY, when you said he is sleeping with Pepper, did you mean that they're both asleep next to eachother in the same bed or did you mean-"

Thankfully, the idiot was cut off, "I do not need to give an answer to that question under the Unholy Teenagers protocol."

"You have got to be kidding me." Harley said whilst Peter laughed, "anyway, come on Petey Pie!"

Tony was enjoying a peaceful sleep. If only he could've continued to...

He rolled over and was suddenly face to face with someone, who was crouching beside his bed watching him.

Without thinking, he grabbed the nearest thing he could, and sprayed it in their face. Now that person was screaming too. Oh yeah, apparently Tony was screaming first.

"WHAT THE HELL, DAD!" the intruder yelled.
Oh, it's just Peter, whoops... Tony mentally noted.
"Kid, what are you doing?!"
"Forget about that, WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST SPRAY ME WITH?!?!?!"

Tony glanced down at the can in his hand and gave it to Peter to read himself, since all Tony's energy was going into not cracking a rib from laughing.

Peter read the label and slowly looked back up at Tony Stark with disbelief and betrayal in his eyes, "You tried to kill me."
"What no!" Stark the traitor gasped between laughs.
"YOU USED BUG SPRAY ON ME!"
"Well not intentionally..."
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW RUDE THAT IS?! THAT IS A HATE CRIME, ANTHONY!"

"Sure, sorry," Tony said, rolling his eyes, "anyway, why did you have to wake me up like that at 2 in the freaking morning?"

"Hey, how was I to know you'd wake up? You never have before when I've watched you sleep." Peter deadpanned.
"You did what now?!"
"Just kidding. But yeah, we were wondering-"
"Who the hell is we?!"

This time, it wasn't Peter who answered...
"So yeah, we were wondering and-"

Tony rolled back over to see Harley lying next to him. "Steven Christ there's two of them..." Tony muttered.

"Hi," Harley waved, "anyway! Yeah, so, that spider that nibbled on poor ickle Peteykins... Since it's influenced his DNA, does it deserve custody of Peter?"

At that, Tony sat bolt upright and ran a hand through his hair as he whispered, "I don't know... What if it goes to court? I can't lose the kid to a spider! Would it even let me visit?"

Peter and Harley exchanged panicked glances whilst Tony, the mature, responsible, level-headed adult spiralled out of control.

Without warning, there was a sigh from the opposite end of the bed, "Didn't that spider die after it bit Peter?"

"Oh yeah!" Peter chirped, "Thanks mom! Harley, let's go back to bed now."

"WAIT!" Harley yelled then continued speaking in a much more hushed tone, "what about the spider's family?"

"They haven't reached out to contact us so I think it's fine for now," Pepper said.

"But what if they've been trying to contact me and I just haven't noticed?!" Peter countered.

"You can ask Scott how he communicates with his ants and if he could give you some help with talking to spiders." Tony suggested.

"That's a great idea! I'll go ask him now!"
"NO!" yelped Tony and Pepper.

In a calm voice, laced with threat, Pepper said, "You can ask him in the morning. And I mean 7am onwards. If you do manage to develop some weird spider communication device, maybe you can invite them to next year's Thanksgiving."

"That would be so cool! I can't wait to tell Мама about this! Actually, do either of you know when she's coming back? She said she was going to get the mail a few days ago..." Peter said, going from excited to slightly worried.

"It's probably fine, Peter. Speaking from experience, it's not like she said she was going to get a scratch card so she'll be back." Harley chimed in, causing Tony to facepalm with all the force someone woken at 2am because of mutant spider custody battle fears deserves to.

"Shut up, Harley. Kid, I'm sure she's fine and will be back very soon. Maybe even tomorrow, wait no it's today now... It's hard to know with Nat but she isn't going to just leave and she knows how to fight. Maybe she just had to get mail from one of her old safe houses that's in another country? Just try to trust her and that she knows what she's doing and remember she'd never do anything to hurt you...too severely..." Tony said, clearly trying his best.

"I suppose..." Peter mumbled.

"She'll be back before you know it, Peter, and maybe she'll even have a cool story to tell you," Pepper said reassuringly, "but right now you should go back to bed - you too, Harley - because Natasha wouldn't want to find out you haven't been getting enough sleep, would she? No. Now please, goodnight boys."

"G'night."
"Night"
"Nighty-night, kiddies!" Tony concluded with a grin and a wave.

The next morning

Despite being awake so late, Peter still managed to get up early in the morning. Harley, however, was still fast asleep, so Peter decided to see if anyone else was up in the common area.

When Peter walked into the room, he noticed someone was lying on the couch. This was not someone he recognised, definitely couldn't be, but he noted that their (looks like a her but Peter would need to ask to check) hair was blonde and they were wearing a white battle suit, which seemed to be dirtied and oh of course bloodied.

Peter had no idea who this person was, how they got there, if they were awake or not, or even if they were a threat. His Peter tingle was just as confused. So, naturally he did what anyone in such circumstances would do: freeze on the spot until his Мама could tell him what was happening.

Thankfully, she soon walked in...