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Chapter 55

Dave (the cool ice cream employee) never gets out of prison if you don't drink water, eat food, and get 5+ hours of sleep today.

(I would like you to know that everytime I have a spot where Y/n could 'die' I think about just ending the story there, and then just disappearing wouldn't that be fun! 😁)


I honestly don't know which is a better idea, teleporting away and dying later, or staying here and possibly dying now.

But seeing how Feitan, the man who is feared by murderers even with a no fighting rule, told me not to, I'll assume that's the best idea. Plus he's kinda hot, just remove 'kinda'.

Maybe going on a date with banana wasn't a good idea, but it did make people annoyed, which was kind of the goal. Again, why do I do this to myself?

I wonder if Gon's okay though. Probably not, but oh well.

My future murderers showed up not much later, meaning that they were in a hurry, so I was definitely going to die.

First my parents betray me, leaving me to be killed, then my best friend helps the murderers? Everyone I love has betrayed me, this is the end- I'll stop being over dramatic now.

"You've stayed here~ good~" Hisoka said. That may have decreased my chance of dying by 1%. Yay.

"Would you like to explain why you went on a date with someone else." Illumi asked, though it wasn't really a question.

"Not really, thanks for asking." I replied. Gotta get the chance of dying back up to 100% y'know, 99% just isn't enough.

"Don't do again." Feitan commanded. Haha, he's terrifying. Please don't kill my family- wait that's M/n, actually please kill my family.

"I allowed Illumi and Feitan~ if you start going on dates with random people however~ we'll have a problem~" Hisoka stated. Is it to late to just teleport out if here?

"Yes" Jinx, my lord and savior, has spoken, even if I don't like the response. Oof.

"Understand?~"

Everyone was clearly waiting for a response, let's see if I can respond without increasing my chance of dying!

"Why though."

Mission failed.

"You like to make things difficult." Illumi sighed, stepping closer to me.

"Don't date other men. They'll all die. Understand?" Illumi said, now right in front of me. Okay but what about women?

Feitan mumbled something, though I couldn't actually hear what he said. I wasn't given to much time to think about it before Illumi brought my attention back to him.

"Respond." He ordered. Oh, would you look at that! 101% chance of dying!

"..."

102%

"..."

103%

"..."

104%

"..."

105%

"..."

God I hate myself.

It's kinda go big or go home now... Every time I say that I end up regretting it. Oh well. What's the worst that can happen?

Ah shit, I just jinxed it. Wait- I'm sorry my lord, I should not use your name in vain.

While I was busy being distracted by random thoughts. (Author relates. Author has ADHD -self diagnosed)

Illumi, my love, whom introduced me to Jinx, my lord and savior, kissed me.

What?

He completely breaks when I kiss him, but can kiss me without problem?

Hisoka the clown, but also kinda hot, grabbed me from Illumi, also kissing me. Oh, someone's jealous.

Feitan, the extremely hot torturer, was next.

After that it was a war of who got to kiss me. What do you expect from murderers? They tend to get what they want, sharing is not in their vocabulary.

Have I mentioned that I have a very small vocabulary? The author actually can not word, which is weird because they can book.

Good thing I don't need air to survive, because I did not get any.

They finally allowed me to breath, which only happened when they decided to start an fight about who gets me.

Feitan, apparently being the smartest of the three, silently exited the argument. Deciding that heading towards me was more effective, Hisoka and Illumi still not noticing his disappearance.

"Mine." He grumbled, hugging me. Please marry me. Please. You are perfect.

Hisoka and Illumi were still going at it, completely unaware that Feitan had technically won.

I expected to die today, and I must say, this is way better. A. Made out with hot men, B is unnecessary because nothing beats making out with hot men.

"You're officially my favorite human. The amount of chaos you have caused in the last 24 hours is impressive. " Jinx, the god of chaos, praised. God of Chaos. Do you know how much of a compliment that is!?

Hisoka was the first to notice Feitans disappearance, Illumi noticing not long after. Both of them shot glares at Feitan, whom only hugged me tighter as a response.

Harem fights. I love them. I love them more than life itself. I love them more than I love myself. I don't love myself all that much though... Oh well, at least it rhymes.

That started a team up between Hisoka and Illumi, which led to another argument, which ended up in a physical fight.

"You have surpassed me in causing chaos. If I die you shall take my title." Jinx stated.

"Thank you, my lord" I replied.

Ah yes, we love being overdramatic in this household. Though we all know Jinx won't ever die.

Hisoka had won the fight, apparently using his Nen ability to immobilize them. Wonder how long they can be trapped like that..

Hisoka, most likely because he's a jealous bitch, started making out with me. No complaints though... (Non Hisoka simps right now:😰😬😭)

After that, he (still refusing to free Illumi and Feitan) forced me into playing cards with him.

I have surprisingly surpassed him at cheating in card games. Though when you literally have every power to ever exist it makes it easier.

"Impressive~" Hisoka praised.

"Thanks." I replied, ignoring the muffled screaming in the background.

"How about we both stop cheating?~ It would be more fun~" Hisoka suggested. Of course 'more fun', not only because you're losing now.

"Sure." I agreed.

Then we both stopped cheating, and had a fair card game instead.

Yeah, no. Absolutely not.

We both continued to cheat, just made it less obvious.

"Great job darling~" Hisoka complimented after I won a game. obviously knowing that I was still cheating.

"MHMM MHHM MHMH"

"Thanks." I hummed, starting another game.

"MHMMH MFHHHM MFFFMH"

We both continued to play cards, letting the other win every now and again.

It was very peaceful, and actually kind of calming, the background noise was amazing.

"MFM MHHFH MMHM"

Ah, I love that sound. They probably would've stopped struggling awhile ago, but every time they did stop Hisoka kissed me, causing them to struggle again.

(Non Hisoka simps, [also read as: Normal people] right now- 🤮🤮🫡😭😭🤬🤬😰😰😭🤨🤨☠️💀🫥😭🤬)

And that continued for two hours.

Apparently Hisoka's ability had a time limit, so they were freed after awhile. But it was hilarious watching Hisoka die after Illumi and Feitan teamed up.

Hisoka didn't actually die. Non-Hisoka simps will probably cry after hearing this information.

They did however successfully knock him out. We'll never know how they managed that...

Anyways Illumi and Feitan, surprisingly, decided to share me, for now at least.

After Hisoka woke up, I (Finally) decided to do the smart thing, and teleport away.

Time to see how dead the children are.

...

Surprisingly not at all!

Illumi and Hisoka had barely hurt them. I could definitely do better.

Killua and Gon were training that thing where you have a small amount of aura around you. I definitely didn't the name of it, haha.. haha.. ha..

I assume they checked in for a fight, so I'll ask when they're fighting later.

Time to check up on my favorite child!

I mean- time to check up on my illegally adopted child! Whom I love just as much as my other illegally adopted children.

Kalluto was actually doing fine, besides the fact that he's hanging on the ceiling.

"...Is there a reason for doing that?" I asked, Kalluto pointed at the corner of the room in return.

Spider.

There was a spider. An eight legged monster. Not a Phantom troupe member.

I used my god powers to teleport it away.. far far away.

Meanwhile, with the spider:

'How the fuck did I get to the North Pole!??!?'

Back to Y/n and Kalluto:

"Is it gone?" Kalluto asked, still hanging from the ceiling.

"It's gone for good." I replied, nodding my head.

Meanwhile with the spider:

*Dying of hypothermia*

Back to Y/n and Kalluto:

*Cuddling and watching murder documentaries due to that traumatic experience*

Meanwhile with the three simps:

The wild Illumi uses: Yeet!

It's very effective!

The wild Hisoka, whom has rabies, is now falling off the building!

The wild Feitan uses: Betrayal!

It's very effective!

The wild Illumi is now falling off the building!

The wild Feitan has won!


Word count: 1672

That was a lot- y'all better be happy, simps got to kiss hot men- wait you're Wattpad readers- you'll take anything

Illumi isn't used to people showing him love and/or affection, but seeing how he is an assassin, he probably has had a shit load of missions where he has to do shit like that-

I asked for date ideas recently- but i have a bigger problem now- Hanging out with out parents, what do we do then?

Do we go on missions? Do we kill people? Is it completely normal family bonding time? Do we play monopoly and break the whole family dynamic apart in the game of betrayal? Does someone legally adopt us?

H e l p- I need ideas p l e a s e I'm desperate

also I feel like each parent should have different parenting techniques

Important

I'll be slowing down my upload schedule from now on. I will still be posting regularly(Most likely 2-3 times a week), but I think it will allow me to post better content :>

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