Chapter 24

Veer walked into Advay's room. Advay entered slowly after him. Everyone was down having dinner but Veer thought it was better if Advay didn't face anyone at this moment. He helped him get into bed and then sat beside him.

Veer touched Advay's forehead, he still had a bit of temperature but medicine was starting to work.

Veer,'' Advay''

Advay opened his eyes and looked at him.

Veer,''Try not to overthink things, everything will solve itself out in time. Just remember, both of you are blameless, she is your wife. You are not blood related to her. It's not wrong. Just be gentle with her, it is as shocking for her as it is for you. I have a friend, he is a psychiatrist, he is trustworthy, and if you think everything got too much, we can go to him. I am here for you always. Don't think you are alone''

Advay nodded and closed his eyes, tears leaked from his eyes.

Veer sighed and gave him a sleeping pill. Then, he sat there until Advay went to sleep.
...

Chandhini sat down on bed staring at a sleeping Advay. It was 5 past 11 but he was still asleep. Finally, he stirred. He rolled down on bed and then opened his eyes and stared at her blinking for a moment.

Advay said in a sleepy voice,''tiny why you are staring down at me like this?''

Chandhini,'' You were asleep for so long, I got worried. How is your temperature?'' she moved her hand to touch his forehead to see if he had cooled down.

Advay looked puzzled for a second and then he froze, his eyes suddenly saddened and then he lowered his eyelashes hiding his feelings. He gently removed her hand and got up,'' I am alright.'' he mumbled.

He got a fresh towel and clothes and then went to washroom.

Chandhini sat there worriedly waiting for him to come out, 'that was awkward, she said to herself''.

He came out dressed in black shirt and dark grey jeans. He went to dresser and picked up his hair brush and quickly pushed it through his hairs. He avoided looking at her while she tried to catch his eye several times.

Then he asked quietly,'' Are you fine?''

Chandhini looked at him in confusion, 'Nothing wrong with me, why?''

Advay put the brush down and looked at the floor,'' did I hurt you?''

Chandhini felt her cheeks heat slightly,'' not really.''

Advay,'' I have never behaved like that in my life. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was bhang...'' he trailed off, remembering something. His face was suddenly even paler. He opened a drawer and got the first aid box out. Getting the antiseptic cream out, he came toward Chandhini.

He sat down beside on her bed and said,'' may I?''

Chandhini understood and nodded. She pushed the hair covering her neck away and slightly lowered the shirt collar where he had bitten her. He applied the cream,'' did I hurt you anywhere else?''

Chandhini,'' No.'' She had marks on her upper arms and waist when he had held her too tightly but seeing his guilty face she did not want to say it. She had delicate skin and she bruised easily.

After finishing, he went and washed his hands. When he came back out, she asked the question which was on her mind,'' Are you still going to divorce me?''

Advay sat down on bed again and said, 'I will do whatever you say. If you want to divorce I will do it and if you want to stay married to me then we will stay married.''

She should have been really happy hearing it but he sounded so sad. It stopped her from enjoying her empty victory. She hugged him.

Chandhini,'' Please don't be like this. Please.''

Advay,'' I am sorry. I don't know what happened.''

Chandhini hugged him more tightly,'' It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing for which you should apologise.''

They sat there quietly hugging each other, both filled with guilt for what had happened but for different reasons.

...

''Guilt'' a simple word, but describes an emotion which is unlike happiness or sadness. It's a feeling which never goes away but stays and becomes heavier and heavier until it blot out all the good things... that was what happened with Chandhini in coming days.

Advay did not become better but instead grew quieter as the days passed, his smiles looked fake, he lost weight and became lankier and his eyes had permanent dark shadows beneath them. It was an ordeal to make him eat, he took small bites and was never hungry.

Arnav called the doctor home and got him checked up in front of his eyes but the doctor verdict was same as all before him, Advay was perfectly fine. He suggested that Advay was under stress but Advay would say there was nothing wrong.

To change his mood, she took him out to watch a movie in cinema. It was one of his favourite series. He did seem a bit more relaxed. She deliberately stole his pop corns but he said nothing. So, she got some more for him. After that she challenged him to car racing and both of them took their cars to a remote area and raced to their heart. He won.

But when they came back home his mood soured again. He became quiet. At night as usual, he hugged her closer knowing she liked to sleep that way and in morning when she woke up, he was gone but he left pillows in his place so that she won't wake up.

This tenderness from him added to her guilt.

...

Advay went through the motions of signing the files and gave them to Suresh. After Suresh was gone he leaned back on chair and closed his eyes. The shame just won't go away and it was not just about that night. It was a fact that his perception of Chandhini had changed. He could no longer touch her innocently the way he used to do it. His body's reaction to her closeness made him feel wrong. It was a constant battle between mind and body. He needed help. He texted Veer to send him the number of psychiatrist.

...

Chandhini opened her diary and wrote her feelings in words. Advay and her relationship was same as it was before holi but still something felt different. What she could not put her finger on it but it was increasing the distance between them. She could feel that even though he laid beside her at night, he never slept, he would just keep staring at walls and she was afraid to ask him the reason because she had an idea what bothered him. It hurt her.

Eventually it got to the point that she knew she had to do something. She loved Ayi, she loved baba and she loved herself but she found out that she loved him more than anyone else in world. He was not ready to forgive himself for what happened and she could not watch him punish himself any longer.

So, she decided to confess. She chickened out twice and changed the topic but today she decided she had to tell him because he was going back to delhi soon. So, she asked Advay to go to ice cream parlour with her, she wanted him away from family when he heard the truth. She hoped he wouldn't be too much angry and forgive her. She just wanted him to stop hating himself.

They sat together in a booth eating ice cream, well Chandhini ate hers while Advay twirled his spoon in his cup. She felt the familiar pang in her heart, she wanted her old Advay back, who teased her, was always fun to be with.

Her hands shook a bit, so she put the spoon in cup and folded them tightly in her lap,''Advay''she said tentatively to get his attention.

Advay murmured, ''Huh?''

Chandhini,''I have to tell you something.''

Advay looked at her, 'what?.''

Chandhini gulped,''Advay you know at holi. I knew you were drunk.''

Advay stopped twirling the spoon but did not say anything. Chandhini took courage from that and said,'' It's not your fault, I knew what I was getting into, you did not take advantage of me. Please, stop hating yourself for it.''

Asvay just stared at her and said,'' You were drunk too. How can you know what you...''

He stopped and took a deep breath, 'let's not talk about this anymore, it happened.'' He looked down at ice cream like it was most interesting thing in world.

He looked so tormented, Chandhini put her hand on his and confessed the real truth, 'I knew you were going to be drunk, I decided it when I was not drunk.''

Advay slowly looked up at her, a frown marring his forehead,'' what?'' he asked in confusion.

It was Chandhini's turn to stare down at her ice cream which all melted now. She did not say anything.

Minutes passed, he just sat there staring at her like he was seeing her for first time and chandhini could not bear to look up at him.

Then, he said, ''How did you know I was going to be drunk?''

Chandhini closed her eyes briefly and then opened them, ''I asked the alcohol to be served along with bhang''. There was a shattering noise, Chandhini looked up shocked to see his ice cream cup lying on floor and then Advay was getting up and leaving.

He did not look back, he did not say anything to anyone, and he was simply gone. Chandhini sat there shocked and then apologized to the waiter who had come to pick the broken glass up. She opened her wallet and took out couple of notes, and put them on table and left.

Outside, Advay's car was nowhere to be seen, Chandhini stopped a taxi and got inside, only when she was sitting inside it that she realized that she was shaking badly.
...

Chandhini sat in Advay's room going through her old books and college bag. Except for one which she might need for references she threw rest of the books on the ''to be thrown away pile'', then she picked up her bag. She emptied all the pockets, her mind still on Advay, everything will be fine, and she told herself again.

She went through the different notebooks and tossed them in throw away pile too. She went to pick up all the medicines she had in her bag to see which were expired but her hand froze on hearing the room door open, it was Advay. Chandhini stared at him. He stared back. He closed the door behind him without breaking the stare.

Chandhini gulped and looked at her hand frozen over medicine, she forgot what she was doing. She looked at the pile of books, grabbed one and opened it pretending to read, her heart was beating very fast.