Prompt 2: rewrite a fairytale, modern, mash up or whatever...
A/N Mash up- "Foolish Jack" X "The Ugly Duckling"  from A Treasury of Fairy Tales (Brimax Books) as told by Lucy Kinkaid....

"Jack! What the hell is the matter with you? Where is my money?" His mother screeched at him. Jack hung his head and shrugged. He checked his pockets one more time and came up empty.

"I had it mum, I swear..." he murmured fretfully. She smacked him across the face and a tear squeezed out of one eye.

"What did I tell you? Have them e-transfer the funds directly into my account! Why do I even bother with you? You are stupid and ugly, not a single redeeming quality for a son and I should just throw you out. You are lucky I don't do so now. To bed without supper!" she yelled at him. He nodded sadly and climbed up into the attic to sleep while his stomach grumbled in protest.

*

"Get up, you lazy piece of crap. Get to work and make me some money. If you can't be attractive or smart then you had better use those muscles, boy." His mother kicked the side of his cot and he tumbled to the floor. He crawled down the ladder, passed his beautiful sisters all eating their breakfast and slunk out the door with only a stale crust of bread passed by his mother.

He worked hard all day at the dairy farm and when he was done the farmer offered him milk to take home instead. He loved milk, so he strapped it to his back and headed home. He thought his mother would be happy, but he was mistaken. She hissed and spit in fury at the payment of milk. Instead of taking it gratefully, she threw it to the floor in a huff.

"Stupid ugly boy! This won't pay for clothes, internet or make-up! What good are you if you don't at least bring me something delicious or expensive? Take this garbage and get out of my sight!" she shoved him to the floor and kicked him in spite. He gathered the jugs carefully, put some away in the cellar where she wouldn't look and drank one for dinner before hiding back in his attic.

*

"Wake up, wake up, you hideous boy. Go to work and try not to screw up again. Forget breakfast, for you don't deserve it, and I swear if you don't bring me something good then you had best not come home at all. Go on dumbass." She pushed him out the door while his sisters snickered and pointed. He sighed and went to the farm down the street.

All day he worked and at the end of it the farmer offered him a great big pig. He thought to himself, my mother and sisters love to eat meat! They would surely be happy with this much, right? So he took the pig home on a leash with a big smile, sure that he had finally done something right. Imagine how his face fell when his mother glared from the door.

"You dreadful child! What am I supposed to do with this? We are not farmers, we are ladies, and it is not fit for us to take on such animals. Go and kill it out back or there will be no supper for you tonight." She turned with a sniff. Jack looked at her in horror and down at the poor, innocent pig as it snuffled in the grass. He couldn't do it.

He took the pig around back and put it in the barn with a sigh. Then he went down to the cellar and had a bit of milk before taking himself to bed, yet again without a proper supper.

*

"Wake up, you horrid excuse for a boy. Get to work. You should know this by now. A stupid thing like you has no reason to lay about. Put that ugly body to some use and bring me some money. If you can't, then go die at the side of the road." His mother hissed at him as she pushed him out of bed. He yawned and looked out the window at the sun barely coming up over the hedge.

When he came downstairs, his mother barred him from the breakfast room and he sighed unhappily as he left with no breakfast yet again. Down the road he meandered until he reached another farm in the neighbourhood with a sign out front. He worked hard all day, with no complaints, and at the end of the day the farmer's wife gave him the cutest baby goat!

At first he headed home with a great big smile, but half way there he stopped. He looked down at the cutest goat he had ever seen and realised that there was no way his mother wanted it. It was not money. It was not delicious or expensive. It was not make-up or pretty clothes.

He recalled his mother's words that morning and a tear fell from his eyes. He looked around and saw a well dressed man sitting on the porch of his fancy house. He passed the giant gate, wandered up the cobbled drive and knelt before the man.

"Please sir, will you have this fine goat? Take it as payment for the mess and kill me where I stand." He hung his head.

"What? Why would you want to die?" The man asked in his rich, deep voice. His head cocked to the side as he regarded the sad, earnest young man.

"I am useless, stupid and ugly. My mother told me not to return if I could not bring her money and I have failed to yet again." The boy explained. A silence stretched between them and the boy looked up in confusion. The man looked confused and angry. He bent down in front of the boy and tucked a strand of his dirty hair behind his ear.

"Come inside. I will take the goat, but I cannot kill you. Let me show you why...." He led the boy into his home and passed the adorable goat to a servant. Upstairs he was led, to a bathing room with fine soaps and brushes. The servants scrubbed his dirty face, threw out his filthy clothes, and wrapped him in fine cotton robes.

"Oh please sir. What is the use of all this? I am too horrid a creature to suffer to live. Please won't you kill me? Put me out of my misery?" He begged as he stood before the man again. The man sucked in a breath and shook his head.

"When was the last time you saw your reflection? The last time you truly gazed upon your own face?" The man asked. The boy thought about it and could not come up with an answer. He shrugged helplessly.

"It has been a few years if I think about it." He admitted. The man pulled him forward to stand in front of a mirror.

"Then see for yourself. You are not ugly at all." He declared as the boy stared into his own reflection. At first he could not believe it was him! A tall, slim young man stared back at him. His hair was golden and fluffy, his eyes a bright blue and shone. His body was muscular and dainty, his skin a wonderful tan! He looked nothing like he had supposed.

"Oh! Oh dear. You are right, my lord! I am not so bad as my mother has said." He looked with joyful eyes at the man and clasped his hands. The man smiled and walked forward, right up to the younger man.

"No, not so bad at all. I have seen you passing by my house, back and forth every day. You are handsome, hardworking and kinder than any I have known. No one deserves to live more than you." He declared. The boy blushed at the intense look the lord was giving him just then.

"Thank you my lord. Truly you have given me the greatest of gifts." He bowed his head in gratitude. The lord lifted his chin and placed a kiss upon his plump lips.

"No indeed, it is you who have given me a gift. I have searched high and low for a companion of my life. All I have found are vain, shallow women and men who want to bleed me of my money. I swore that if ever I found someone who was truly humble, helpful, and good that I would marry them." The lord told the boy. He dropped to one knee, and the boy looked on in awe.

"What are you doing, my lord?" He gasped.

"I do not know your name, and I do not know what family you are from, but I know you are all these things. I have watched you from afar long enough to know that you are the perfect match for me. Will you do me the honour of becoming mine?" The lord licked his lips and waited with bated breath, hopeful of the young man's answer.

"Oh. Oh dear. You are so handsome and rich... I cannot think that I deserve you. If you want me though, who am I to say no? I will marry you sir, if that is your desire." He blinked back tears of joy at the thought of a new life away from his mother and sisters.

"It is." The lord declared, rising and claiming the boy's lips once again. He carded his hair, held him close, and cherished him for all of his days.