Ominously Anonymous Prompt 6: The Power of Music

Artist: Nothing More

Song: Fadein/Fadeout

#audibleinspiration 

They say the silence is what bothers you, but I found it was just the opposite. I could hear everything from where I sat and I could never turn it off. The beeping and hum of the machines. The footsteps constantly walking the corridors. It all served to torment me as I was forced into inactivity. I had given up reading my novel hours ago and simply stared at the wall.

It was with a sense of apathy that I heard the door open. It was probably just another nurse. When a long minute passed and a bustling figure didn't come up to fuss over the blankets and machines, I glanced over. It was him. He came. I knew my surprise had flickered over my features when he looked down at his shoes.

"Hey." It came out as more of a croak than a word. He bit his lip and looked back up at me.

"Hey." He replied hesitantly. His voice sounded warm and comfortable to my ears, even though I had not heard it in years.

"You came." I stated. His head nodded but his feet did not move him further into the room. I gestured to a chair, it was one of those ugly ones that you couldn't sit in for more than an hour without your butt hurting, but it was the best one in the room.

"Mom called me." He said as he slowly made his way to the chair. I nodded this time and tried to clear my throat. It didn't work. I coughed a little and grabbed the cup of water by the bed. It took me a minute to drink through the cheap straw and put it back. By the time I was done he was sitting awkwardly in the seat.

"I asked her to." I admitted. I looked him over. He was a handsome kid. I was a little jealous how thick his brown hair sat on his head and how clear his blue eyes looked as he watched me. Just like my brother and I when we were his age. God, when did I get so old?

The silence dragged on between us. I could hear the machines, but they seemed to fade into the background as we looked at each other. I could feel his impatience like a tangible thing. I wanted to chuckle at it, but my chest wouldn't take that sort of thing.

"What do you want, Dad?" He finally ground out. I sighed.

"How have you been?" I finally replied. He let out a startled laugh.

"How have I been? That's it? I have been great. Thank you for asking. After seven fucking years, thank you for giving a damn." He bit out in a tired voice. I flinched a bit, but I couldn't back down now.

"You look good. I am glad you look good." I mumbled, turning my head away from his frustrated face. I could feel all of it building up inside me. All the regrets, all the things left unspoken, how they hovered between us now.

"You are unbelievable." He groused as he stood up with a flourish. I knew he was going to storm out if I didn't say it. He was too much like me not to.

"Don't go. Please, son... I am sorry." The words nearly stuck in my throat but I pushed them through before it closed for another coughing fit. The water was pressed into my hands as I leaned forward helplessly hacking out a lung.

"Jesus, Dad. No need to be so melodramatic. Isn't that Mom's job?" He quipped with an uncertain look on his face. I barked a laugh that almost became another fit, but managed to breathe again.

"Right you are. She wasn't here to do it for me though." I closed my eyes and took deep breaths as my chest ached and my body relaxed again. He put the cup back on the table and I could feel his eyes on me.

"So is this the part where I am supposed to forgive you?" His face was sad, even though his words were sharp. I looked at him sternly.

"No. This is the part where I have to let go." I said to him. His eyes became angry and I grabbed a hold of his arm.

"Are you fucking serious? I don't have time for this shit." He hissed as he tried to pull away. The old dog still had a bit of strength in these old hands though.

"Oh stop it." I grumbled.

"What? You want to disown me? Go ahead." He huffed and crossed his arms when I let go. His gaze challenged mine. I shook my head.

"Dumbass. That isn't what I meant. That's not what I mean. I mean I... I need to let go of all this stupid meaningless shit between us." I tried to speak but his face twisted. "No, don't you start. You know I am terrible with words. Let me say my piece."

"What? You didn't say your piece when you kicked me out?" He groused. I sighed again, even though it hurt my chest.

"Look, I said I was sorry. I was wrong and I'll admit it. I just... I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to see you settle down with a family. Have kids. I didn't mean for this...." I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I wiped them with a frustrated hand. Shit.

"I tried to tell you, Dad. It wasn't that I didn't want that, I just didn't want it like you had it." He ran a hand through his tumbled hair in frustration. I nodded helplessly.

"I know that now. I just didn't think it would lead to anything good. I'm an old fashioned old coot, son. It just took me awhile to see it, but I do see it now. I can let it go." I was tired, so bone deep tired I wanted to sleep. He looked tired too. He sat back down heavily and stared through the bed in front of him.

Neither of us spoke. All the words were gone. I stared at him again, taking in all the details I missed the first time around. His neat, clean clothes. His phone clipped to his waist. His un-scuffed shoes. The way he sat up straight in his chair even though he was deep in thought. He really was great, not just good.

I wished that I had seen that earlier. I really did. This man was my son. He had always been hardworking and honest. I wished that it had been enough for me sooner. Maybe if I hadn't been so much like my own father I might have seen it. But I was. And I didn't. So now we were here and I was hoping it was enough.

"I'm getting married." He said the words hesitantly. I gulped.

"I'm glad." I said clearly. I meant it. I really meant it. He looked down at the floor.

"I wasn't going to tell you." He admitted with a small voice. It reminded me of when he was a boy and thought he was going to get into trouble for something.

"I don't blame you for that. I didn't give you any reason to tell me." I consoled him. He looked at me in surprise and I smiled at him. It was pained and understanding. I knew I didn't deserve his kindness now.

"I... We were thinking of adopting in a year or two." He gulped and scratched his neck. I could see the blush working its way up his neck.

"I think you will make a good father." I allowed. "Better than your old man anyways." I added wryly. He huffed an awkward laugh. I saw him roll his eyes, definitely a trait he picked up from his mother. That made me grin.

"Do you think... If you are out of here... Would you come?" He looked up at me with such hopeful eyes and I didn't have the heart to say what was on my mind. Instead I told him what he needed to hear.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it." I don't think I'll make it. I reached out a slightly shaky hand to my son and felt reassured when he grasped it. I should know better than to get myself all sentimental like this. I felt a fit coming on and turned my head away so I didn't cough at him. I felt my whole body shaking with the spasms that rocked me.

It felt like my chest was tearing open with each hacking rattle. I felt my face flush and willed the fit to stop. This one left me a little breathless. I took draws in from the tubes in my nose, feeling my body relax again as it got the badly needed oxygen. My chest really hurt from that one. I rubbed it absently with one hand.

He stood over me now with a rather panicked look on his face and I saw him reaching for the call button. I grasped his hand and shook my head. He passed me my water and I took a sip of the cold liquid in relief. I just wanted to be with him. Just like this, well maybe out of this stupid room, but just the two of us without fighting.

"Should I get Mom?" He asked me quietly. I shook my head to the sides.

"I love you son. I am so proud of you. I need you to know that." I said. My voice sounded a little hoarse from the fit. My throat was sore.

"What are you saying? You gone delirious old man?" He joked half-heartedly. I could see the tears in his eyes though. I couldn't tell if the pain in my chest was from suppressed tears of my own. I wanted to look at him though, so I held them back.

"No. I woke up. You really are my joy." I gripped his hand tightly and he shook his head.

"Stop it. You are going to be fine." He argued. I smiled up at him. I should have been saying those words to him instead.

"Follow your heart, son." The words came out rather thin, but I meant them. I was feeling light headed so I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on each breath I was taking. I was so tired. Maybe I will just take a little nap. Just for a minute.