Looking forward to meeting you, Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome <3!

XOXOX

Severus crushed the sickeningly pink paper in his fist. If only it had been Dumbledore's neck instead. What had that crackpot old fool been thinking? "I know just the right lady for you, Severus," the old man had said. "No one should be alone on Valentine's Day. Trust me, you'll enjoy this." And the geezer had had the audacity to wink. No one else dared wink at Severus if they'd wanted to avoid a life full of attempted poisonings. And what a short life that would be.

Of course, Severus hadn't agreed. Then Dumbledore had begged and begged and begged. Troubled him at random times during the night to tell him about the "poor disappointed young lady!" He'd shut the door on the old fool's face each time, obviously.

But after several sleepless days he'd said yes, if only to finally get a moment's peace. Then come Valentine's Day he'd locked himself up in his office. It was supposed to be secure, he'd warded it himself. He should've known nothing could stop Dumbledore. The Headmaster had barged right in, given him this...this ludicrous letter and apparated him right into Madam Puddifoot's for his...date.

Hot pink confetti broke Severus' trance, bringing his attention back to the agonisingly cramped, lurid-pink frilled tea shop. With a growl, Severus flicked his wand, casting a muffliato and a shield around him and his...date. Several students averted their gaze as they awkwardly attempted snogging each other, trying to pretend he didn't exist. He snarled. If they knew what was good for them, they'd keep this to themselves. As for Severus himself, well, he was trying to avoid looking at the "special lady" in front of him. But they'd already been sitting in an awkward silence for far too long. It was time to address the Erumpent in Madam Puddifoot's.

Minerva McGonagall.

Her cheeks were red like a Weasley's when he looked up. "Well..." She cleared her throat. "Are...are you sure you're supposed to be here, Severus?" Her ears turned red to match her cheeks. Was she related to the Weasleys? "There wasn't anyone else? Dumbledore said a nice young man would be waiting for me at this table."

Severus smoothed out the note and passed it to her. Minerva didn't reach for it, instead crumpling her hat with both hands at the sight of it. "Mr tall, dark and handsome?" he snarled.

"Ahem, well...I..." She averted her eyes. "I suppose it's you then."

Something about the way she said it, all disappointed like, made this...this unpleasant feeling stir within Severus. What it was, he didn't know. So Severus did what Severus did best when he couldn't make sense of his own emotions—focus on the students. He temporarily dispelled the muffliato.

"You there!" He pointed at a boy who seemed to look his way a millisecond longer than he should've. "Five feet on the uses of the Eye of Newt in potions due by Friday!"

The boy started and sputtered, letting go of his girlfriend's hand like he'd been shocked "But—but I—"

"Make that due tomorrow" Severus hissed and the boy stopped complaining. Those puppy dog eyes never worked on him.

"Severus Snape, what do you think you're doing?" Minerva glared at him, her blush gone and her lips thin with her custom severity.

He waved his hand dismissively. "O'Blighty isn't a Gryffindor, you don't need to worry about him."

Her eyes flashed something fierce. "I'll have you know that I care about students in all houses."

"Oh really?" Severus drawled. "Pray tell, did you protest much that year Dumbledore gave Gryffindor 170 undeserved house points?"

"Well, I..." Minerva stuttered. "The students certainly deserved a lot of points for such a brave act."

"For almost giving the Dark Lord free access to a stone that was well protected by the mirror?" He smirked as the woman fidgeted at his words.

"Well, that was certainly...the children meant well at least..." Bah, excuses excuses! She knew it was unfair. He could see it from the way she struggled to meet his gaze. Then she glared at him with sudden confidence. "You're one to talk! At least I don't take points or assign homework for the crime of being in a house I happened to dislike."

"Ahh, then it was a revenge of sorts for what I do in my classrooms, was it Minerva?" Severus leaned back in his chair. "Gryffindors aren't so noble after all, are they?"

She put on her "teacher" face, all thin lips and narrowed eyes. It used to terrify him back when he attended Hogwarts but now he knew better. Minerva was a softie inside. "Gryffindor? It wasn't Gryffindor, it was Dumbledore who gave those points! The same man who thought it would be a marvellous idea to set me up with you!"

That unpleasant feeling from before surged within Severus. "Disappointed, are you?" he burst out before he could stop himself. "I'll have you know I've gotten many Valentine's cards from several women just this year. There's a veritable queue waiting to go on a date with me, so you should be so honoured."

Minerva's expression softened. "Oh, Severus, I didn't mean it that way." She reached out for his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. He wanted to pull away and sectumsempra her—it was the principle of the thing— but for some reason, he didn't move. Hurt. That was what he'd felt. Like a snivelling teenager, he'd been hurt that Minerva had outright rejected him when he full well knew he had rejected her too.

Severus growled, pushing the shameful emotion away behind his occlumency barriers. This whole humiliating experience was the fault of one man anyway. "Dumbledore will pay."

Minerva's eyes sparkled with mischief like a Weasley twin's. One of these days, he's got to look up her lineage. "Oh, yes, he has something coming for him. Have you anything in mind?"

Severus tapped his chin in thought. "Remove his beard and make him bald for a week with a strong Hair Loss potion?"

With a wave of her hand, Minerva shook her head. "As much as he likes his wise old wizard get-up, he'd think that would be a fine opportunity to try on his many...outrageous wigs."

"What about dropping a whole bottle of Always Grey in his laundry? Ought to make his robes drab like those of an old wizard in a famous muggle story I'd read when I was a child." Dumbledore the Grey. Severus smirked. And he wasn't going to admit that he still had all three books, every side story he could get his hands on and even some action figures. Ok, maybe more than a hundred action figures and paraphernalia, but it was a perfectly respectable hobby to have!

"Hmm, you mean those...God of the Rings books?" He bit his tongue before he corrected Minerva's unacceptable error. "Knowing Dumbledore, he'll probably call it cosplay time and encourage the students to wear costumes!" She narrowed her eyes. "I can transfigure all his sweets and make them taste so hot he'll have flames coming out of his nose!"

"Want to bet he'll make that into a party trick?" Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Drat that man! We should set the twins on him!"

"I like the way you think." He smiled.

"Shall we discuss this more in The Three Broomsticks?" Minerva looked around the tea shop in distaste. "This whole place makes my skin crawl."

"You're not the only one." Severus smirked. "And Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome would love to accompany you to the pub."

"Oh stop it, you!" She swatted his arm, then nodded at the students. "But there's something we have to take care of before we leave." Minerva canceled the muffliato. "Our inspection appears satisfactory, Professor Snape," she said in a loud voice. "The students don't seem to be doing anything too inappropriate."

"Certainly." He played along. "Though if I hear any rumours of misconduct...well, let's just say I have several buckets of toads in need of brain extraction by ungloved hands."

The two stood up and left as dignifiedly as they could, pink confetti falling off from their shoulders and all. The students continued to look away as Severus swept by all bat-like, his black robes billowing out behind him. Sometimes he loved being terrifying. Ok, all the time. That's how he knew whatever happened in Madam Puddifoot's today would stay in Madam Puddifoot's.

Severus' peace lasted until the next day, when a Daily Prophet article with their entire conversation, embellished with more than a few...romantic gestures of course, was written under the title The True Lovebirds of Hogwarts!