hhhnnggghhh how is this already 10 chapters long,,,,,

because this is getting so lengthy i'm considering making a separate book to transfer all the previous chapters into and then publish everything there from now on, which would probably help this stupid ass story reach people who actually want to read it. but on the other hand people would actually read this if i did that so idk,,,,,

ANYWAYS this chapter is fucking horrible and i hate it, you've been warned,,,, but i promise this will start getting interesting soon though :,)

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word count: 1633
warnings: swearing
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Part Ten: Mind Your Business

it wasn't often that the drab clouds that hung over Gotham decided to separate from each other to allow the sun to shine down onto the city, but today was one of those days. Arthur awoke in Monika's armchair around sunrise, wondering where he was for just a moment before memories of the previous night came flooding back to him. he sat up straight, a dull soreness in his neck from sleeping all curled up in a ball, shifting his gaze towards the soft rays of sunshine spilling into the apartment through the sheer curtains hanging over Monika's window.

speaking of Monika, she still lied on the couch, wearing the same black dress she wore the night before, her hair tousled and messy, as if she had been tossing and turning in her sleep a great deal. she shifted a bit, and Arthur stared at her, wondering if she would wake up.

"Monika?" he asked softly, his voice barely a whisper. "are you awake?" she didn't reply. moving as quietly as possible, Arthur stood up from his spot in the chair, unsure if he should wake her or not. she always seemed rather worn out, so he elected to let her rest for a while longer. it would probably be best if he headed home soon, anyways.

but he didn't want to leave without an explanation. what if Monika thought he hated her? or worse, what if she hated him for leaving without explaining why? he didn't want to risk it.

Arthur creeped into the kitchen in search of a notepad, or anything he could write on, really. Monika's kitchen felt a bit cluttered, but it was much cleaner than his own. though her counters were crowded, everything had its place, and Arthur didn't want to risk messing up the seemingly careful placement of her flowerpots and coffee mugs. a warm, cheerful pop song crackled out of the radio perched on the countertop by her sink, and he couldn't help but imagine Monika humming along to the radio while she cooked.

it was then that Arthur came to the realization that he hardly knew Monika at all. she knew all about him, given she was his doctor, but she always shared very little about herself with him. in fact, it had almost shocked him when she opened up about her dead sister the night before. he knew she put up walls, anyone could figure out that much just by talking to her, and he knew there were probably people she trusted more than him, but just the thought that she might trust him just a little bit was good enough for him.

he spent another moment in the kitchen, but didn't find anything he could use to leave a note. he did find an old shopping list, which he stuffed in his pocket on impulse. he adored Monika's curly handwriting, and figured she wouldn't notice a half-finished shopping list. after glancing over at the sofa once more to make sure she was still sleeping, Arthur continued his search for a piece of paper and headed down the hallway.

there were four doors in the hallway, two on one side, one on the other, and one at the end. two of the doors were closed, and through the open door on one end of the hall, Arthur could see into a bathroom. he didn't bother going in there, figuring that was the last place he would find what he needed.

he faced the two closed doors, unsure if he should even open either of them. Monika probably wouldn't be happy if she knew he had snooped around her house. though he hadn't felt it was wrong to look through the kitchen, he figured these doors were closed for a reason.

quietly, he opened the door closest to his left. it was just a closet, stuffed with towels, sheets, and blankets. a few cardboard boxes were stacked up on the top and bottom shelves, but Arthur didn't bother giving them a second glance. he shut the closet door and moved on.

he opened the second door just a crack, and saw what appeared to be a spare room. he took a step inside, suddenly feeling like he was being incredibly intrusive. part of him told him to just close the door and move along, but his curiosity got the better of him. after all, he had wanted to know more about Monika, hadn't he?

there was a leather loveseat on the far side of the room, a quilt draped over the side of it. there were more bookshelves, too, packed full with more books than Arthur could count. the room smelled distinctly of vanilla mixed with the lingering scent of freshly cut roses. the roll-top desk nestled in the corner beside a plethora of houseplants signaled to him that Monika must have used that room as an office of some sort.

he approached the desk, which was covered in loose papers, notebooks, and piles of books. a number of pens, most of them blue or red, were scattered about the barely visible wooden surface. a dusty psychology textbook caught Arthur's eye, but it was buried beneath a few papers and a tattered spiral notebook, and he wondered if it would be wrong of him to move Monika's things around just to take a glance at one book. the papers on top didn't appear to be of much importance, and Arthur didn't bother looking very closely at them, and the notebook didn't appear to contain anything he would have any interest in seeing, anyways.

the book was indeed a textbook, just as Arthur had suspected. there were several loose papers and sticky notes peeking out between the pages. the book wasn't closed fully, as there was a pen nestled between two pages somewhere near the back, and Arthur flipped open the book to see what Monika had been reading about.

the pages were dense with text, though Monika had scribbled a few notes in the margins, and underlined a whole paragraph or so in deep blue ink. to his surprise, right beside the underline passage, she had written 'Arthur Fleck.'

'pseudobulbar affect (PBA), or emotional incontinence, is a type of emotional disturbance characterized by uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to a neurological disorder or brain injury. patients may find themselves crying uncontrollably at something that is only moderately sad, being unable to stop themselves for several minutes. episodes may also be mood-incongruent: a patient may laugh uncontrollably when angry or frustrated, for example. sometimes, the episodes may switch between emotional states, resulting in the patient crying uncontrollably before dissolving into fits of laughter.'

Arthur instantly recognized the symptoms of his own condition laid out before him in the textbook, and almost felt sick to his stomach at the knowledge that Monika knew every shameful detail about it. she probably thought he was deranged; probably laughed at him when he wasn't looking. she probably only gave him the time of day because she pitied him.

Arthur laughed, clenching his fists. he laughed at himself for thinking that someone like Monika would ever genuinely care about him, that someone like Monika would ever love him. god, he really couldn't get any more fucking pathetic, could he? he was just a complete and utter fool, wasn't he?

he didn't want to be in Monika's apartment anymore. what had once seemed warm and cozy now felt suffocating. but it was his own fault he made himself feel this way — that's what you get when you snoop around, isn't it?

with shaky hands, Arthur closed the textbook and tried to place the various papers that were atop of it back on the same way they had been stacked up before. he tore a piece of paper off of a yellow notepad, quickly scribbling out a note so Monika wouldn't wonder why he was gone when she woke up, though he contemplated whether she'd care at all.

he shut the door quietly and trudged back towards the living room. sure enough, Monika was still passed out on the couch. for just a second, Arthur forgot all his worries, so incredibly enamored by the way her hair fell across her face. but as soon as remembered the note he held in his right hand, all his anxieties flooded back to him.

he placed the piece of paper onto the coffee table and hurried out the door, grabbing the coat he had let Monika borrow the night before off her coat rack as he left.

Arthur walked swiftly down the hallway, staring at his worn out shoes, the sound they made every time he took a step echoing through the empty hallway. he rounded the corner, electing to take the stairs, not wanting to risk getting stuck with someone else in the elevator.

unfortunately, in his rush to get out of there, he ran straight into a man coming up the stairs.

"oh shit! i'm so sorry!" the stranger said, wide eyed, clearly thinking he had been the one to ram into him. he held a heavy looking box in his arms, and Arthur wondered why in the world he had decided to carry it up eight flights of stairs. "are you alright?"

Arthur swallowed a laugh. the man was handsome, so handsome he almost wanted to spit in his face. the golden lights in the stairwell seemed to make his tan skin glow, and he could tell he was the type of guy any girl would fall head over heels for.

"i don't live here." Arthur mumbled, swallowing the painful laugh building up in his throat. he shoved past the handsome stranger and hurried down the stairs without a second glance.